If you found out after many years of marriage that your dh had in the past sexually assaulted another woman...

[mosp]

...what would you do? Would you refuse to believe it? What if you found that on balance it was likely to be true, what would you do? If you had 3 children and you really thought your life was normal.

[Message from MNHQ. The OP has asked us to make posters aware that she is onomatophobic about a certain word, and unable to deal with seeing it written down. Please read the full thread before responding.]

I made an app with GP for wed am. Going to get AD's again.

Mospy I'm so pleased you've got a GPs appointment, well done.

Now I'm going to be blunt but I am saying this with love. You need to block this man and his friend immediately. He will never apologise because he's determined to maintain that you both 'made a mistake' rather than that he forced himself on you. Therefore you will not 'miss your chance' by blocking him.

You have no responsibility towards his wife. She is an adult and if he is abusive towards her as some posters suggest that is up to her to deal with.

Your only responsibility is towards yourself and your lovely DDs.

Please please block them both and let me know when you've done it

I completely understand the confusing mixed feelings of love and hate you have when someone you love does something terrible to you and I know those feelings have just been dredged up again. Part of you feels like if they loved you and everything was ok, it will make what happened better.

The thing is, you can't make what happened unhappen, and the only person who can make you better is you with help from other people. He can't and he probably wouldn't if he could. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I can't think of a nicer way to put it. An apology from him isn't going to help you. There are plenty of people to help you make things better and support you, people here, friends and family IRL, professionals...

Try not to think about him, think about yourself.

I think you said it's been 18 years since this man wrecked your life. You can get through this. Don't let him wreck the next 18 years too. Please ask your GP or @@@@crisis to help you get the support you need. ADs will make you feel better but they won't deal with the root cause.

Great post Flicka

This is the stupid thing: I was never his girlfriend. I thought nothing of him. I only knew his name as one of a group before he forced me.
The 'love' came because of what he did. Not in spite of it.
He went round telling everyone I was his girlfriend but I never was. I was just obsessed with him because I couldn't bear the thought of him casting me by the wayside after he took my virginity.
And now, all I can think is that I should never have run away. As it turned out I jumped from the frying pan straight into the fire. My ex h (who swooped down on me like a vulture when I returned from Portugal in pieces) was even worse and more abusive by far! Thankfully, he was emotionally easy to leave because I never loved him. No one can replace the first one.

I understand why you so badly want an apology and an explanation from this man. But please don't let him torment you any further. The fact that he is 'liking' pictures of your daughters on FB beggars belief. Please tell everything to the GP who will be able to refer you for appropriate counselling. And block him on any social media so that he can no longer feel any control over you or your life.

mosp, why the emphasis on your virginity, that he should not "discard" you after assaulting you? did you come from a religious family or similar?

do you see a difference between being assaulted, and losing your virginity? because they are two quite different things.

a virgin whose brother assaults her is still a virgin. she has been assaulted, sure, but to say that her virginity has been "lost" in that case would be quite medieval and strange.

the same girl whose brother assaulted her, who goes on to marry and sleep with her husband on the night of her wedding, is still going to the marriage-bed a virgin (for example).

compare the experience of Elizabeth Smart.

Thestamp. I can't account for why. It mattered (and matters) so much to me. It just does.
In my book, as soon as a girl has sex, she can't get it back. That applies however unfortunate the circs.

I see. What is so important about virginity, if you don't mind me asking? is there something in it that is very important? could you explain, maybe?

I can't explain. Sorry. Must be linked to my upbringing I suppose. As is everything. This is all making me cry. :(

I hope that you can find a good, experienced psychologist to talk you through all this. Your beliefs about what virginity is, what it means, and what assault is, and what it means, are extremely damaged and I can't imagine how much that is hurting you.

I think you might benefit from psychotherapy (to explore the past) but ALSO cbt, to address your incorrect beliefs and start replacing them with the truth. have you had any cbt?

hanging on to the idea that an apology from this criminal is going to undo the assault and its effect on you, is nothing but a fantasy. what needs to change is your beliefs.
about yourself
about your assault
about your identity and what makes you a valuable, precious human being whose bodily and psychological integrity should be respected.

cbt can help you change those things, if you are willing to let go and accept that your current beliefs are not factual.

your onomatophobia is holding you back. i think you would prefer that this crime were your deflowering. probably it is far too painful to accept that instead it was a violent crime, of which you were a victim.

your becoming obsessed with him and then fleeing was you trying to protect yourself from the truth. you wanted to think of this as a love affair, but it wasn't. this man was not your deflowerer, he was a criminal thug.

that he is messaging you on fb and "liking" DD's photos is absolutely monstrous. truly, he sounds sick and deranged.

i'm sorry this hurts so much. i wish it were possible for all of us here to take your pain away and replace it with calm and peace.

My love.

You are in control of your life now. You.

First things first? Defriend this man and block him.

Understand that he'll never be the human being you hoped he would be, and never was.

He holds no power over you, despite what you are telling yourself.

That is your young self's fear talking.

That's not you anymore.

Time to look at what you believed, understand that these 'facts' don't serve you well/at all, and look for those real facts that do.

You need to block HIM from your life. He has no place in it. Doesn't deserve any of your time or consideration.

You need to allow yourself the kindness of understanding and accepting what was done to you. You need to work towards allowing yourself to read, say and understand that word.

Until you do, you won't ever be able to love yourself sufficiently to heal. You'll be stuck in limbo.

The first one wasn't him. It can't be if he stole it. You didn't give it freely. It doesn't count.

Have you done the freedom programme? Have you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft?

If you want something to send to that man:

Não me contate mais. Não quero saber mais nada de ti. Se não me deixar em paz, podes ter certeza absoluta que vou escrever tudo que você fez por mim na página da tua mulher. Tradizido em pleno e claro português.

Take back control, you will grow from this.

But really, just block the creep. You owe him nothing. Nothing at all.

What you want from him, you'll never get, as he has no morals nor manners.

This has gone on so long. It is so ingrained. Where do I actually GO to get this elusive help? I tried therapist after therapist before. I couldn't even get to the point of telling them what happened. Eventually I found a counsellor I could speak to. I must be a lost cause.

And if he was not the first one, does that mean I have to accept it was instead my ex h (who I have never loved and means nothing to me)? After all, I 'let' him.

Or am I still a virgin with two children?

That was to thestamp. Just reading your message now, Hissy.

I so agree with Hissy that you must block this man.

Even if he apologised to you (which he is not going to), it would not "fix" anything.

The answer to all this is within you. He has nothing to offer you that will help.

The longer you entertain contact with him, the more you are hurting yourself, over and over again. Don't give him that power over you.

Block him, ASAP.

The answer to all this pain my dear mosp is TRUTH.

The truth will set you free.

Until you can accept the truth of what has happened TO you, at his hands, and the abusive ex you simply won't be able to heal.

For this reason the therapy has stalled, because you are not being truthful and kind to yourself.

Have you read that book? I think it would be a good place to start.

Hissy, the thing is that now that he knows that I've said all I am going to say about the child, he is not even trying to contact me.
Either he is angry because he thinks I lied about the child and therefore he won't tell me he is sorry or let me know he gives a damn. Or, he does believe me and he has what he wants from me so no need to write any more.
His friend insists that he does care about me really, but this situation has caused a collision of two worlds: past and present.
When I was in Coimbra, it did seem to be that he was devoted to me. It was so messed up.

He made me feel SO furious when he started telling me to move on and live for the present, blah blah. So easy for him.

i am so sorry (i'm replying to you 22:25:04). this must be so hard.

yes, you are right, it is ingrained. but it can be changed. it takes a lot of very hard work though, along with some luck (in the form of finding that elusive therapist).

do you have the money or resources for private therapy?
if so, i would be glad to help you look for someone in your area who might be qualified to help. by all means send me a message with your general area and i will send you a list of people who might be suitable.

i think you need someone with a LOT of experience in the area of trauma counselling, CBT, and narrative therapy. that is my immediate instinct.

i would say that it would be a very, very good idea to write the therapist a letter giving a summary of what this man did and what happened in the aftermath, or show them this thread, before you go in to talk to them. context needs to be set.

you cannot access help without speaking the truth to the person who is trying to help you.

about the virgin-with-two-children thing. i would say that until you have consensual sex, you are a virgin. being the victim of a crime is not the same thing as consenting to a sexual act.

this man perpetrated a crime against you and you responded by trying to write a history for yourself - some kind of fated love affair gone wrong - that made the truth easier to bear.
it is no wonder that you have the phobia: after all, when the word is introduced, it threatens the false history that you created.

but that is good. the phobia is a signpost for you. it's showing you the way out. if you can start to face the phobia, you can start to approach the truth and rewrite your story. it will be painful, but you can do it, if you access help and tell the therapist the truth.

I have read the Lundy Bancroft book. I read it when I escaped from ex h. It fitted perfectly, as though it had been written with him personally in mind! But I never think of the cv man as abusive. He was not as bad as the ex h. With him, I never feared for my life at least.

please cease contact with his friend.

these people are rotten human beings who have no place in your life.

I think I do know the truth of what he did to me. Well, I mean I do define it as what it was (albeit I can't face the word). Of course there is the added difficulty of the traumatic amnesia that I had during the incident, which cuts out of my memory a significant portion (i.e. I don't remember the act itself, only the bit before and the bit after). Everything is against me. How can anyone get over this?

don't write your recovery off before you disclose your memories to a therapist.

amnesia, obsessive thoughts, you name it, a trauma counsellor has seen it all. honestly.

i had something quite similar to your experience happen to me, btw. and i found good help, and while i go through periods where i am sad about it, it doesn't define my life at all. it can be done. you do have to start with disclosure though -- it has to happen eventually.

thestamp. You are probably right. However, I can't afford it. I have to work during the school day. I spent loads on the other counselling, but it was not sustainable. It is not only the money but the time. When I am in therapy I am not working, and being self-employed that is quite a lot to lose.

This is going to kill me one of these days. It is only my girls' need of me that forces me to stick around.