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Original poster

I just don't want sex ...

46 replies

tessie31082 · 16/08/2014 22:49

Ever again. Simple. I have a 17 month DS who sleeps well ATM! I get a relatively decent nights sleep. I only work p/t. I don't know what's wrong with me but my DP is getting angry/upset as 'I never let him touch me anymore'! I have tried telling him I don't feel like it anymore but he still tries a couple of times a week which gets me annoyed and a bit resentful. Anyone else gone/going through the same thing?
Tessie

OP posts:
Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 16/08/2014 22:52

tessie yes me. But I realised me not wanting to have sex was a symptom of something/s in our relationship wasn't right.

How is the rest of your relationship ?

MajesticWhine · 16/08/2014 23:01

Are you hoping he will stop trying? What then? It's not a workable situation going forward. Does he not pull his weight or not treat you well, which makes you not feel like getting intimate? Or perhaps you feel differently about your body after having a child, could it be something like that?

NormHonal · 16/08/2014 23:04

I do feel like this, but it's because I am petrified of conceiving another child (oh, the irony, after years of ttc!). DH doesn't get how I feel, but pregnancy wrecked me and I just can't go through that again. Is this the case for you?

kaykayblue · 16/08/2014 23:04

You are - in no circumstances - obliged to have sex when you don't want to.

At the same time, your husband is not obliged to stay in a sexless marriage for the rest of his life.

Why is sex something that doesn't interest you any more?

Frankly just swatting him away and getting pissy about it is not a long term solution. Every person in the world has the right to want to feel loved and desired by their partner.

BolshierAyraStark · 16/08/2014 23:18

Why don't you want sex?

Is it you don't want sex or don't want sex with your partner as these are obviously 2 different things & you need to know which it is in order to address it?

If its the 1st then 17 months after a birth isn't really that long but you do need to be attempting to do something as it's not a good situation for your partner or you-it's one of those things that the longer you leave the harder it is to deal with unfortunately .

If its the 2nd, then there is only one answer...

Floop · 16/08/2014 23:30

Its not wrong to never want sex, but it would be wrong to assume DH should have his sex life ended permanently. Be prepared to lose your relationship so that DH can have his obvious needs fulfilled.

SevenZarkSeven · 16/08/2014 23:34

My sex drive took longer to come back properly than 17 months. Really only got it back properly in the last year or so, the little one is 4. So it does take time, for some women anyway.

I never said never again though - I hoped it would come back. Don't you want it to come back?

It also sounds like your partner isn't being very understanding. Have you talked to him about it? Outside of the him trying / you saying no / him getting pissed off routine?

HappyGirlNow · 16/08/2014 23:35

YOU'RE resentful? Imagine how you're partner feels..... I understand you are tired but seriously.. You can't expect any man to be happy with this..... Can you.....?

Floop · 16/08/2014 23:42

You can't expect any man to be happy with this.....

This isn't even a 'man' issue. It's a people issue. I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who'd never have sex with me ever again.

Talk about feeling unwanted.

ClayGhost · 16/08/2014 23:43

My DH doesn't want sex - with anyone. It's made me look into a lot of options. Essentially, if you never feel desire, never find something stimulating then you should go to the dr because there could be an underlying hormonal problem. Even if there is, it gets fixed and you still don't want to have sex, that's fine (for you), but it's worth seeing the dr.

As for your husband, I feel for him, although hassling you isn't going to help in any way!

SevenZarkSeven · 16/08/2014 23:46

So they need to talk about it.
Not the OP force herself to have sex with someone when she doesn't want to.

YoureInMySystemBaby · 16/08/2014 23:48

I felt like this with my ex husband - one of a few reasons we split, but not the main. I can't explain why, I have always (and still do) loved sex - I will say, affection toward him was never diminished though - I still loved hugging, hand holding, kissing etc...

I have a new partner of 3 years and I go through what we call my 'frigid' phases where we go for up to 8 weeks with no sex - I cannot explain it as I am so in love with him and very sexually attracted to him - I find the problem is gets a bit worse when I've realised it's been X amount of time since we last did it and it all becomes a bigger thing in my mind than it should...

Thankfully, my current relationship is a lot more healthy than my last and communication is free - rather than him continually trying it on, he just gives me a gentle verbal reminder (which is what I suggested, but normally I know how long it's been)..

I get frustrated with myself a lot too, because once I get going, I think 'Why have I withheld for so long, this is great!' - still doesn't stop me doing it in future, sadly.

There are lots of other things I do for him if I don't feel like actual sex - we really try to keep the intimacy going throughout a 'sexual drought' - so whilst he might go an extended period without me throwing him a bone, he knows I'm still interested in him in that way.

I think my ex-husband's a mistake was constantly going straight for the prize so to speak - nothing made me freeze up in utter dread quicker... If i even have him a hug or kids before going to sleep, he'd try it on...

Definitely have to discover what your issue is though - discussion and communication are paramount...

ClayGhost · 17/08/2014 00:00

Just to be clear - I don't think OP should have sex if she doesn't want to. Just offering one avenue to look into WHY.

RubyGoat · 17/08/2014 00:02

I have this. I had a horrible pregnancy and labour, I have body image issues, I'm terrified of getting pregnant again as we just can't afford another baby yet, and I'm permanently exhausted. I work, DH is a full time student. However, the big difference is, DH says he would rather wait until I'm ready. He tells me every day he loves & fancies me, but there's no pressure. I am starting to feel more normal but it's taking longer than I would ever have thought possible.

You sound really unhappy. There's a big difference between saying you don't want sex ever again, & saying you can't imagine wanting it because you don't want it right now. You both need to be happy if you are to stay together - if he was happy to be celibate in the short term, or permanently, that would be ok. However he isn't (although I'm not saying he's going about things the right way) but there are two of you in this relationship. If you genuinely think you never want sex again, does he know that, have you told him so he can make an informed choice? As it sounds like he is (very clumsily and selfishly) trying to push the issue as he doesn't know how you really feel.

McFox · 17/08/2014 00:09

17 months seems like a very long time to me. Is everything ok in your relationship?

I understand why he keeps trying and I'm sure that by now he's probably feeling horribly rejected. You don't owe him sex, but you do owe him a truthful conversation and to try to understand why you feel this way.

StillFrigginRexManningDay · 17/08/2014 09:30

Aw poor man and his needs Hmm . His balls won't explode don't worry.

OP not wanting to have sex is not strange or weird but having no desires at all is usually a symptom of something else. How do you feel generally on a day to day basis? How is your diet? Do you wake up feeling refreshed or still tired?

fleetfoot · 17/08/2014 09:43

That's tricky for all concerned. Are you breastfeeding? EBF can suppress desire I think. Did you ever feel like this pre-baby? i.e. Relate do couples sex counselling, if you need to work it through with help.

Original poster
tessie31082 · 17/08/2014 11:45

Hi all, what a response. I'm glad I'm not the only one! I know I can't expect him to stay in a sexless relationship if he doesn't want to. By the way, we have had sex a couple of times since DS was born but I didn't feel like it - I did it for my OH! Not all is hunky dory, I don't feel the same since our DS was born, I don't feel like it's a body image thing as I'm happy being a size 14 (was a size 12 before pregnancy). My pregnancy was fine except from the discomfort a huge fibroid gave me! I had surgery to remove this and have had blood tests and a scan - all is ok. I'm not interested in sex generally, I don't think it's just my OH, I think I'd feel like this in any relationship! I also have a fear of getting pregnant again too! For one we couldn't afford it and two because being a mum to my wonderful, beautiful clever boy has left me reeling, I have struggled with PND a bit and still do sometimes. I sometimes wish my OH would leave though - I'm not sure I'd miss him TBH! He does help around the house - on occasions and he will put DS to bed a couple of times a week! He does however constantly start a sentence with NO when talking/telling our son something which I am increasingly getting angry about! He also has quite a short temper and our DS knows how to wind him up already! I think I would just be happy never having sex again although if your only just getting into enjoying it again after 4 years sevenzarkseven then maybe I will but now and for the foreseeable future I can't see it!

OP posts:
placidjoy123 · 17/08/2014 12:08

Stillfrigggin Aw poor man and his needs. His balls won't explode

Maybe not. But don't be surprised if his Internet browsing habits fail to meet your approval. And eventually if he starts looking elsewhere.

McFox · 17/08/2014 13:08

Well it sounds like there's a lot more going on than just a lack of desire for your DP. You might be better off putting that issue aside for the moment to consider the bigger picture - if you don't want to be with him, which is how it's coming across to be honest - then you don't need to be.

StillFrigginRexManningDay · 17/08/2014 14:07

placid seriously? If a man dosen't get sex hes going elsewhere? You have just reduced him to nothing more than a penis. Any decent man would be concerened about his partner and not want to have undesired sex. Lots of women experience a reduced sex drive and vaginal dryness during EBF and lots of those men don't go fucking around.

Pinkfrocks · 17/08/2014 14:12

placid- that is a really knobbish thing to say.

SevenZarkSeven · 17/08/2014 14:18

If you have had PND and it's not gone yet then that may well be hitting your sex drive.
Ditto if you are on any ADs some of them have a side effect of loss of sex drive.
I think you need to have a proper talk with your DH about how you can make things a bit better for you personally and for you as a family. Maybe you need to go to the doc if you have low mood. Also you are really focussing on not wanting another child so that is putting you off but contraception is fairly effective so I wonder if there is a bit of anxiety there which is linked to depression as well.
I do think 17 months is not an unusual length of time to still be feeling not yourself after a baby as well. Although obviously some people don't lose it some do, there is no right or wrong here.

I think you need to talk to DH get it all out in the open and have a think about what you can all do to improve matters.

I don't think you should feel you have to have sex when you don't want to even if people on this thread are suggesting that. Having sex when you don't want to because you feel you must will only make you resent him more and be more damaging in the long run IMO.

Minus2seventy3 · 17/08/2014 14:59

I can give the other side of this - the reason I (as a man) joined MN, was to post about this subject.
My DW and I weren't intimate for a year or so after DD was born, and it barely got going again after that. DD now seven, DW and I have had sex once in the last two years.
No, I (like I would imagine most men) have no interest in having sex with someone who doesn't want it, but can you imagine going to bed each night with the person you love, knowing she won't reach over to you, or that your touch will be rejected, time and again? It hurts like you can't imagine. Rejection, resentment, self esteem non existent, arguments.
Wish I had answers.

placidjoy123 · 17/08/2014 15:43

Stillfriggin and Pinkfrocks... Seventeen months of 2-3 rejections per week are likely to have some consequences. Great if they don't and I am delighted if you know men who would be happy to put up with the situation indefinitely. But that's just my own experience and opinion. I do then get rather surprised by how often we come on here to complain that they're visiting porn sites etc.

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