I just don't want sex ...

[tessie31082]

Ever again. Simple. I have a 17 month DS who sleeps well ATM! I get a relatively decent nights sleep. I only work p/t. I don't know what's wrong with me but my DP is getting angry/upset as 'I never let him touch me anymore'! I have tried telling him I don't feel like it anymore but he still tries a couple of times a week which gets me annoyed and a bit resentful. Anyone else gone/going through the same thing?
Tessie

[whatsthatcomingoverthehill]

Whilst it wouldn't be right for OP's partner to cheat, it wouldn't exactly be surprising. What do people always say on here, that men only tend to jump when they've got something to go to? You'd hope that he would be the better person and end it first. Either way, he has every right not to put up with being in a sexless marriage.

OP, if you want it to work then you need to be honest with him. If you're not bothered about making it work then you need to end it. It's not fair otherwise.

[Needsomeperspective2]

I've felt exactly as you have. My DD is nearly 7 and since she was born I've never really felt like sex. There is usually a gap of around 4/5 months between times. I do it then because I tell myself, if I do it once, I'll realise I like it and want to do it more. Or I just get really drunk. I do find I enjoy it once I am in the zone, but it will be another few months before it happens again.

What I have come to realise is that there is an underlying problem in my marriage. I don't respect my DH particularly, although he is a decent person and a good father. He spoils me on special occasions and is in no way violent or abusive. But he takes me for granted a lot, is not able to support me emotionally (ever) and is something of a doormat. Ultimately we need to work on our relationship and we've started that now.

What did I do to get my mojo back? I had an emotional affair. I'm not recommending this as an option, just telling you what worked for me. I met someone who was all the things I would look for in a man if I were in the position of looking again - confident, smart, witty, funny, doesn't take any crap. Every time we had a 'sexting' evening my DH got lucky - there was no other outlet for my sexual energy. The affair lasted about 4 weeks and in that time me and DH had more sex than we'd had in the last few years. He doesn't know why things have changed, but now I'm back in the mood were keeping up the frequency. I'm hoping this will help us rebuild our relationship, although would give us 50/50 at the moment of still being together in a year.

For me, I came to realise I did have a sex drive, I just wanted it with someone else. The affair is over, I have my sex drive back, now I just need to decide if my marriage can be saved.

[Dontgotosleep]

I do have a d.p and our sex life is fantastic, but like I said and I still stand by. I would cheat again if I had to.

[Pinkfrocks]

Oooh- you sound nice,, don't.
God help the next man who gets involved with you and has an illness, or is overworked, or whatever....

8 weeks and you're onto someone else?

You clearly don't care for the men you are with and are using no sex as an excuse to sleep around.

[Dontgotosleep]

I'm not comparing my life with o.p's but two months without sex was almost like forever to me.

[McFox]

DontGo there's a hell of a difference between your pissing 2 months and the op's situation, don't try to equate the two when there are clearly issues around PND etc here as she's described. I've had colds that have lasted longer than 2 months ffs.

[Dontgotosleep]

I ended that relationship years ago. There was no way in hell I was staying with a guy who wouldn't come near me.

[Greenwayslide]

Why not just leave the relationship dont you obviously don't care all that much if you could cheat without hesitation in only 2 months.

[Dontgotosleep]

I have no regrets of guilt and if my current d.p suddenly went off sex. I'd do it again without any qualms.

[Minus2seventy3]

Dontgotosleep - please, two months? Try 18/24... I've not sought it elsewhere, and if I were to do so, it would most certainly be a conscious decision to do that - it's the worst kind of betrayal.
That said, whilst I love my wife dearly, I, and the Op's husband (and no doubt most living in a Sexless marriage) didn't stand before a priest, registrar, vicar, whatever, and go into a marriage on the basis of all sex stopping once we've propagated the species.
No one wants sex with someone who doesn't want it back. Likewise, no one goes into a marriage thinking one day one partner will just call time on intimacy.

[Dontgotosleep]

It was his fault and I'd argue with God Almighty that it was his fault.
Like I said if I got it from him. I would not have sought it elsewhere and it was the best sex I ever had!

[YoureInMySystemBaby]

Dontgotosleep - it was NOT your DPs fault you sought sex somewhere else, that was ALL your own decision.

[Dontgotosleep]

Hi Tessie. No-one in the world is obligated to have sex if they do not want it. There is no question about that!.
However I will be honest and you might not like me for it but I was in a relationship for 2 months without any sex so I went out and got it elsewhere. The way I see it is It was his fault not mine. He should have treated me properly by making me feel desired.
Just saying your D.P might not wait forever

[something2say]

I know someone who hasn't had sex for around ten years either. Not happy at all. Visible cracks. It's not for most people, a sexless life.

[Pinkfrocks]

placid the reason I posted that was not to invite sarcasm from you but to let you see that outside your own little world and experiences there are people living in all kinds of relationships. Don't condemn, assume and dismiss posters' lives simply based on what you could put up with.

[Purpleflamingos]

I didn't feel like sex for ages after giving birth twice in 22 months and both dc were planned!

We started with touches, hugs, back and shoulder massages, telling each other what we found sexy about each other and what made us feel valued as people (for me it was being brought a cup if coffee in bedone morning a week instead of being the one to get up with the dc at 5:30am).

For me, I had to explain sex was as much in my mind as it was my body. That the little touches, the winks across a room and such meant more than he knew.

[lastlostmonkey]

minus2 you have my complete sympathy, my DH hasn't been interested in a long time (years really). Now we are trying to work on it I realise the damage it's done to my confidence and my ability to believe he still loves me or is even interested. It's a deadening sort of situation.

OP my sex drive didn't come back until I stopped bfing completely. I think you need to talk to your DH about it honestly and see if there's something you can work out which will be ok for both of you until you feel happier about it.

[placidjoy123]

Well I'm sure that's wonderful Pinkfrocks and I'm delighted if they are boths happy

[McFox]

Pink I would imagine that they are in a minority - most people couldn't deal with that, I know I certainly couldn't, and it would devastate my husband if we weren't intimate for over a year.

[Pinkfrocks]

placid- I have friend where there has been no sex for over 10 years.
They are still married.

[placidjoy123]

And BTW I am not for a moment that anyone should ever have to endure sex when they don't want it.

[placidjoy123]

Stillfriggin and Pinkfrocks... Seventeen months of 2-3 rejections per week are likely to have some consequences. Great if they don't and I am delighted if you know men who would be happy to put up with the situation indefinitely. But that's just my own experience and opinion. I do then get rather surprised by how often we come on here to complain that they're visiting porn sites etc.

[Minus2seventy3]

I can give the other side of this - the reason I (as a man) joined MN, was to post about this subject.
My DW and I weren't intimate for a year or so after DD was born, and it barely got going again after that. DD now seven, DW and I have had sex once in the last two years.
No, I (like I would imagine most men) have no interest in having sex with someone who doesn't want it, but can you imagine going to bed each night with the person you love, knowing she won't reach over to you, or that your touch will be rejected, time and again? It hurts like you can't imagine. Rejection, resentment, self esteem non existent, arguments.
Wish I had answers.

[SevenZarkSeven]

If you have had PND and it's not gone yet then that may well be hitting your sex drive.
Ditto if you are on any ADs some of them have a side effect of loss of sex drive.
I think you need to have a proper talk with your DH about how you can make things a bit better for you personally and for you as a family. Maybe you need to go to the doc if you have low mood. Also you are really focussing on not wanting another child so that is putting you off but contraception is fairly effective so I wonder if there is a bit of anxiety there which is linked to depression as well.
I do think 17 months is not an unusual length of time to still be feeling not yourself after a baby as well. Although obviously some people don't lose it some do, there is no right or wrong here.

I think you need to talk to DH get it all out in the open and have a think about what you can all do to improve matters.

I don't think you should feel you have to have sex when you don't want to even if people on this thread are suggesting that. Having sex when you don't want to because you feel you must will only make you resent him more and be more damaging in the long run IMO.

[Pinkfrocks]

placid- that is a really knobbish thing to say.