Tell me if I've been an unreasonable bitch

[Singingbird]

Backstory. Been with P for 6 years, he has 2 teenage DCs from a previous relationship that live with their mother, I have 1 teenage DD from mine. Who lives with me 50% of the time. We have split a few times, on average once every couple of years in hugely dramatic ways which have involved the police due to his propensity for smashing TVs, Laptops, dishes and so on. He has also been violent towards me and I have been hospitalised on one occasion. He has a very nasty temper.

After splitting last year, we decided to try again in January. He has not worked since October last year due to illness. The illness is still a mystery to me as he comes back with a different diagnosis from each appointment. There are definitely some MH issues going on as well as physical. But he didn't seem to be able to get a doctors note, or whatever it takes to get any disability allowance/benefit.

I have been paying for everything. Mortgage in my name, it's my house. I set up a separate joint account so he could have some semblance of independence.

I found out he'd been secretly buying booze and that he'd lied to me about an appointment for what he told me was an induction course for a job. It was a meeting to start Community Service for which he has do fulfill after a drink driving conviction when we last split. I found a letter from them saying he turned up "unfit to work"... I suspect drunk.

So, I've had enough of this Cocklodger, and I've been procrastinating about chucking him out due to family commitments, but after a row the other night, I finally seized the opportunity and made him leave. He's now at his parents in another city.

So to get to the title question... I've cancelled the direct debit for his phone and cancelled the joint account. I think I've spent enough on this loser already, or have I been awful to leave him penniless, albeit with a roof over his head?

I feel so bullied and EAed by him I can't think straight. I keep thinking if the genders were reversed, Would everyone here be calling him a bastard?

I'd appreciate some opinions please.

No you aren't being unreasonable,

I think you've done the right thing, absolutely.

I'm sorry you've been through so much with him.

You are doing the right thing.

Course you're doing the right thing, you have no responsibility towards him. Well done. You might have a couple of wobbles but try and ignore them.

Onward and upward.

Well done. Have nothing more to do with him. Don't fund him. Don't have him back.

Well done for getting rid , and extra well done for cancelling his phone and joint account. He's responsible for his own phone bill.

you are doing the right thing.

he has no right to expect to be financed by you and he has no right to a period of transition.

you've kicked his sponging arse out and the bank of you is closed.

I read first paragraph, ltb

Yep you've done the right thing. Your free ride for him is well and truly over.

He hospitalised you and your wondering if it's okay to end a relationship with him

Thank you for the reassuring words. I'm so worn down by him telling me I've been so disgustingly heartless.

Christ, I used to be so feisty and independent! Need to get back to my old self now, and sharpish!

Bloody hell, well done for getting rid of him. Don't pay another penny and have no contact whatsoever, that's my advice.

Jesus wept, you're well rid of him. The bit about him hospitalising you made my blood run cold.

If nothing else your DD must be aware of all this if she lives with you 50% of the time and this is not the kind of relationship she needs to have modelled for her.

Please stick to your guns and do not get back with this abusive arsehole.

I'm so glad you left the bastard. Definitely cancel the joint account. And you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I've had a long chat with my DC, and assured her this is final. Yes, she's not stupid and has been aware of some things.

I'm more cross and disappointed with myself for not doing this sooner and making her feelings and above all, safety, my number one priority.

And I have changed the locks...

He's a prick who has had more than his fair share!

Have you called 101 to make them aware that you're splitting with a man who's previously been violent?

Twinklestein, no I've not. He's 200 miles away... Should I?

Yes

Ok, I'll get on it.

Well done for being strong!!

You have definitely done the right thing. That's the least you can do in return for him hospitalising you.

Thanks again Ladies. I've lurked for a long time here and gained the strength to do this from reading the advice given to others. Long time coming, but it's made me realise I do not have to put up with his shitty entitled behaviour.

I just wanted to be assured I wasn't being a mean person by cutting of the financial stuff.

I just feel so bad for his poor parents, they are lovely and I'm sure the last thing they wanted was their boozing/smoking middle aged son back with them.

Gosh, you've had the patience of a saint, OP. Congratulations on getting rid of him and if his parents have any sense, they'll get rid of him too. But he is certainly not your responsability

You have done the right thing.

Now you need to do the hard thing - stay away from him, keep your promised to your DD and irrespective of what bullshit/threats/crap he tries on, do NOT take him back.

I am sure they had higher hopes for him, but he's their child and they will help him as you would help your DD if it was her.

If it was me I'd talk to his parents, lay it all on the line, tell them about the community service and explain to them that if he gets in touch with you, you will be ringing the police.