Emotionally abusive bullying husband

[Sickandtired14]

Yesterday I was out all day at my mums as I'm due a baby in 4 weeks time and I was organising all my baby stuff from when dd was born 2 years ago. Basket, car seat etc. I stayed at mums til it was DD's bedtime and she fell asleep in the car and I got her out, upstairs and into bed. All sound asleep. DH was home and I had been all evening. He knew we were on our way but he decided that the exact moment I put her into her cot was the same moment he NEEDED to put a large pile of clean clothes into her room and, of course, he had to put them on top of a carrier bag. Therefore... He woke her up. Now she's seen daddy and refuses to go back to sleep. I tried to resettle, did a bit if controlled crying as were having sleep issues anyway, but ultimately after an hour she wasn't sleeping and he was getting grumpy and angry and nasty so I got her up. He then starts on me that I'm inconsistent - he's pissed off that I wouldn't let him get straight away - and he starts shouting and swearing at me in front of her when I was keeping my voice low steady and calm. She bursts into tears and he blames me.

He slept on the sofa. This morning he isn't speaking to me. Is clearly fuming. His eyes are like a thunder storm. Clenched jaw. Stomping around refusing eye contact etc.
We were supposed to start potty training today. Everything was set up as we had a plan etc.
He then randomly, without any communication gets her dresses and takes her out to Tesco. In the past when I've tried to get him to take her he always says no and has some excuse so this was done to annoy me and to scupper my potty training plans. He gets angry when I mention the PT and snaps that I can just do it after lunch.
They come back from Tesco and he puts her to nap without saying happy nap time to me. Again may seem petty but it's done to hurt me.

I then broach him about something else - he have her an orange and her top is covered in it and he never soaks them or anything. Just leaves them and it bothers me greatly cos I am the one that ends up scrubbing clothes cos he's too lately to put it on a bowl of water - and he flips out. He's screaming at me so I tell him to get out. He refuses and starts yelling and pointing about all sorts of stuff. I defend myself and feel off the happenings of the last 16 hours and ask him if he thinks that his behaviour is acceptable and why is it all my fault?? He ignores me. I ask him 3 times 'r u just going to ignore me then?' And after that I say, fine get out but stay out' and he then decides he's going to shower and take ages etc.
This is my stupid bit- I decide he's not and that if he is going to treat me so rudely and abusively then he can literally get out and I refuse to let him shower.
Were in the hallway and he is right in my face screaming and spitting and waving 2 fingers at me 'fuck you fuck you fuck you your a fucking bitch'.
He walked off to the living room and I went to the bedroom. I'm crying cos I'm angry. I'm 38 weeks pregnant.
And I sit here thinking 'I don't love him anymore'
After 20 mins he comes to apologise - sounds good but he almost never apologises. He always maintains that he is the innocent victim and I'm the one who is at wrong and I force him to do/say things so he has nothing to apologise for. I think he sees that I'm getting stronger and distant. As in the past I would have backed down instantly and just tried to get past it. But now I get angry and defensive. I won't be bullied.
I told him to go away that I had no interest in listening to him justify his behaviour. He stood there and started going 'oh right. So I'm a grown up and come to say sorry and u...' I didn't hear the rest cos I said 'real grown up screaming fuck you in your pregnant wife's face outside your sleeping daughters room....' And just repeated 'go away' til he did.

I don't even know what I'm asking. I don't like him. I don't think I love him anymore. He made my daughter cry last night cos he was so angry and aggressive and she picked up on it. He's made me cry today. He has no respect for me. He will twist it so this is all my fault. I know he will as that is just what he does.

I think I'm with him cos I'm scared of being alone with a toddler and a new born. And cos of finances. I don't know how I'll cope alone but it will still be better won't it?
I have tried so hard with him. I called the police 6 months ago as he pushed me during an argument and then broke stuff in the flat. My dd wasn't here. So this isn't the first time.
He's said awful said time in the past and is emotionally manipulative and abusive. I'm not an angel but I am not as nasty. I tend to hold my tongue from saying nasty things just to hurt but I do get sarcastic which just fuels things I know.

I just don't know how to end it. He had no where to go. He is here on visas and has no access to public funding and I feel guilty kicking him out and putting his visas at risk, not for him but for our children. If his visas are revoked then he will be sent back to his country and they won't see him. And that pisses me off cos I think that's not my responsibility.

Are you asking him to leave? If so let the authorities know. An acquaintance of mine had her abusive husband deported once they split up. Made her feel a lot safer, she is really happy now.

What happens next with regard to him leaving.. Is it all down to you?
Please, at least tell your mum everything and get her and any other family members over to help you.

You need some support x

Well done. Putting the truth out there is a huge step.

Just to pick up on something else you said, my x used to resond to any reasonable request that he behave differently with a sneer "did u read that in cosmo?"

Sickandtired have you considered a doula to support you at the birth? If you do not have a close friend or want your Mum there a doula would be a good option.

Well done for bringing it all into the open yesterday with the mw. It makes it more real in a way when you admit it to a third person, accepting it and realising it has to end is a huge step.

Can't afford a doula. Midwife was quite understanding and said that single women coming in alone isn't that uncommon so they are set up for it.

I haven't needed to call the authorities yet. He hasn't gotten violent or aggressive. He asked to sleep on the sofa until he can rent somewhere. I told him that was fine. He said he will borrow money from his friend for a deposit and I have that friends number so I said I'll give him til Friday to ask for the money before I phone his friend myself.
Haven't told my family yet but have spoken to my friend who lives in the next road basically. Our kids are same age and we talk a lot so she is aware which helps.

That's good.. Do you think it would be a good thing to tell your mum?

You are an amazing mum, Sickandtired. what you are doing is so hard but it is best for you and for your kids. No matter how he can turn on the charm sometimes, it will be far better for them to grow up in a peaceful home with you than seeing you subjected to his shitheadedness.

Be sure to stick to the deadline you guys agreed. Get him out!

Haven't read the whole thread but please please get rid. If he's like this now on visas what is he going to be like when he is legally allowed to live here?!
His housing etc is NOT your responsibility!
If by his actions you kick him out and he is homeless, he has caused that no one else.
Think of your DC before you think of him. This is not good for your DD or your next baby!

Sickandtired just checking in to see how things are tonight.

I understand the cost of a doula being too much. My ex was there for the birth but was fairly useless and spent most of it texting the other woman. The mw was amazing though.

I would let him be there if he wanted to be. He was actually really quite good at DD's birth. But he won't want to be there. He has completely shut down. He came home from work today and has acted like I don't exist but he was trying for DD's sake to be upbeat and happy with her but it's just so draining. I ended up taking her to play in her room til bedtime as he would shut down if I was in the room etc.

I'm drained. I feel numb. We spoke briefly about joint things and he is just so rude. I am seeing more and more of the red flags now. He is a huge gas lighter! Never realised before.
Our arguments used to go round and round with him telling me I had said 'x' when i hadn't, I'd said 'y' but we could never move on til I admitted id said 'x' and then once I did admit the argument was null and void anyway.

I still don't feel like I've done it. I feel that he's waiting for me to give in again. He's stonewalling and rubbishing me. I feel so worthless

Can you oust him before Friday? He does not deserve to be in your family home. Just tell him to goooooo.

My partner is killing me at the moment. I can't do anything right. For example, we're moving and he's got a wad of papers, 90% of are going in the bin. I have my phone in one hand, baby in the other, nowhere to sit to take the call so I say as I'm about to sit on the papers on the sofa "have you sorted these papers, because I'm going to sit on them" as they're lying in the only place I can sit. DH goes mad, and says it's disrespectful. I apologise, later I check he's okay and blow him a kiss. I try to explain I wasn't trying to be disrespectful, but that there was nowhere to sit and I had the baby.
This falls into a mammoth argument. He goes on to say I've gone to sit on them intentionally and that I did it to disrespect him because he hadn't sorted out his papers yet. All of which is untrue. He goes on to say that "you'll pay for this" and gives analogies of if he sat on my late fathers picture and broke it. Stupid examples that aren't even similar to the situation at hand.
The argument blows up as we're completing on a house tomorrow and I say to him "what are we even bothering for". We end up swearing at each other and I take the baby out to get away from him and subjecting her to more poor behaviour on both our parts.
This type of argument is constant. He is consistently picking me apart with nonsense like this.
We're moving tomorrow and I've spent the whole week packing, alone, with a 3 month old baby. We're in a small flat and I explain I need to put boxes in the lounge as it's the biggest room and there's no room anywhere else for them. He says I can't do that and that the tv / sound system should be the last thing to be packed even though it's the only area in the house I can put boxes. He watches tv every night.
He's taken no days off this week to help with the move nor done anything to help other than buy some boxes he taken the day off tomorrow which is our actual moving day and he's leaving work early today (4pm...) to pick up a car that's in the garage where I have to drive him and waste the precious packing time I have.
Last night when going to bed he tells me he wants me to sign a document to confirm he owns 50% of the house we're buying and which has sale clauses in if we break up. We end up in an argument because I feel it shows he's one foot out of the door and he doesn't see why I'm upset. Yet if I try to sit on some papers because there's nowhere to sit then I'm being disrespectful ?
It's like this all the time.
I could go on and on.
Do you stick this out in the hope it gets better? I don't want to let our DD down but I can't cope with this. I'm miserable.

@43percentburnt

Are you asking him to leave? If so let the authorities know. An acquaintance of mine had her abusive husband deported once they split up. Made her feel a lot safer, she is really happy now.

This would be in your best interests Op. Once he is out of your home let the relevant authorities know. I'm afraid you were targeted and used for a visa and the sooner you can accept this, although it hurts, it will give you the strength to do what is necessary to get this man out of your home and your life.

@HornbeamLane

My partner is killing me at the moment. I can't do anything right. For example, we're moving and he's got a wad of papers, 90% of are going in the bin. I have my phone in one hand, baby in the other, nowhere to sit to take the call so I say as I'm about to sit on the papers on the sofa "have you sorted these papers, because I'm going to sit on them" as they're lying in the only place I can sit. DH goes mad, and says it's disrespectful. I apologise, later I check he's okay and blow him a kiss. I try to explain I wasn't trying to be disrespectful, but that there was nowhere to sit and I had the baby. This falls into a mammoth argument. He goes on to say I've gone to sit on them intentionally and that I did it to disrespect him because he hadn't sorted out his papers yet. All of which is untrue. He goes on to say that "you'll pay for this" and gives analogies of if he sat on my late fathers picture and broke it. Stupid examples that aren't even similar to the situation at hand. The argument blows up as we're completing on a house tomorrow and I say to him "what are we even bothering for". We end up swearing at each other and I take the baby out to get away from him and subjecting her to more poor behaviour on both our parts. This type of argument is constant. He is consistently picking me apart with nonsense like this. We're moving tomorrow and I've spent the whole week packing, alone, with a 3 month old baby. We're in a small flat and I explain I need to put boxes in the lounge as it's the biggest room and there's no room anywhere else for them. He says I can't do that and that the tv / sound system should be the last thing to be packed even though it's the only area in the house I can put boxes. He watches tv every night. He's taken no days off this week to help with the move nor done anything to help other than buy some boxes he taken the day off tomorrow which is our actual moving day and he's leaving work early today (4pm...) to pick up a car that's in the garage where I have to drive him and waste the precious packing time I have. Last night when going to bed he tells me he wants me to sign a document to confirm he owns 50% of the house we're buying and which has sale clauses in if we break up. We end up in an argument because I feel it shows he's one foot out of the door and he doesn't see why I'm upset. Yet if I try to sit on some papers because there's nowhere to sit then I'm being disrespectful ? It's like this all the time. I could go on and on. Do you stick this out in the hope it gets better? I don't want to let our DD down but I can't cope with this. I'm miserable.

It will be better to repost this as your own thread in relationships. This is an old thread.

Oh FFS ZOMBIE thread.