I need to kick him out but I know he won't go

[greenroom]

Have nc for this.

We've been together 19 years, have 2 DS aged 9 and 11, not married but own a mortgaged house jointly.

He's always been an immature and selfish person. He displayed behaviour within the first couple of years which should have had me running for the hills but he apologised (cried sometimes) and so I always gave him another chance. Was a complete bastard when I was pregnant with DS1, even telling me once that he had never wanted him anyway. When I had SPD he told me not to be so melodramatic, that millions of women all over the world were pregnant and basically just get on with it. When I slept in the spare room during this time, that was wrong. Yet when I was crying with the pain while in bed with him he'd complain that I was keeping him awake.

DS1 was born 5 weeks prematurely, and I spent 2 weeks in hospital with him. Partner came to the hospital (a 30 minute journey) every evening after work, but never let me forget how knackered he was going to work every day and then coming down to the hospital every evening. When DS1 was 4 months old I resumed a social activity which provided us with an extra income each week. I lost count of the number of times he would ring me to say that DS was crying, he couldn't do anything with him, and that I should be at home with him because he needed his mother. I did actually continue this activity until DS was 15 months, but then resigned because of the pressure.

Fast forward a few years and we have DS2. When DS2 is around 3 partner starts going out more, then starts becoming secretive with his phone and suddenly becomes happier. I overhear phone conversations which, from the tone of his voice, are not with any of his male friends. He pops out more with the flimsiest excuse, comes home in the early hours (or actually normal waking hours) of sunday morning. When I did confront him, having gathered evidence from his mobile phone account, he starts crying and tells me that because of all the pressure of having to provide for his family he's started taking cocaine and that the number he's been calling (for hours at a time) and texting several times a day, is a dealer. He carried on with his behaviour though, and one night I locked him out, after warning him that I would if he wasn't home by a certain time. At the time we had an outer and inner front door, both of which locked. I heard him trying the main front door, then the back door, then he tried my mobile, then the house phone, then my mobile. Then the shouted threats started. I had 2 young children asleep in the house and he was threatening my life. I called the police. He pushed his way into the house through 2 locked doors and threatened me, told me I was being completely irrational. The police turned up, put him into their car, and came in to assure me that they would put him somewhere safe for the night.

I fucking took him back.

I started another job outside of my main job and he persuaded me to take out a car loan for an audi. We had a perfectly good car that would have lasted us a good few years, but I went along with what he wanted. It cost us £300 pounds every month which was based on perceived income from my second job, but that didn't work out and so we've ended up in financial difficulties, which 5 years later I'm still paying off.

During the time I was doing a second job, he was still seeing this other woman (he denied it but it was pretty obvious). I tried being more attentive, dressing provocatively, sending sexts etc, but I knew that it was still going on. I decided to leave. My mother was expecting me, the car was packed, the kids looking forward to staying with their grandmother for a while. He turned up early from work. Dragged the kids into the house, making the eldest cry. So I stayed. I made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with him, that it was just for the kids. A few weeks later I fell and broke my right arm really badly. I was dependent on him for a good few weeks. Things actually seemed to improve after this. He would still turn things around that I was to blame for the way he behaved, that some past perceived misdemeanour on my part was the cause of his behaviour.

If he does anything to help around the house, he has to have a pat on the back for it - I've cleared the table for you, I've filled the dishwasher for you

By the way, we're still paying for the bloody audi that he wanted, even though it was repossessed.

Over the last few years he has actually improved. I thought he was starting to grow up (he's 45). A couple of months ago he joined a gym and went with a couple of the men from work, which I don't have a problem with at all ( he needs to lose weight). Wednesday, I noticed £20 missing from my purse, when I asked him he said it was for some weight loss supplements that he bought from the boys, who had told him that they were legit. Turns out they are anabolic steroids. I went ballistic, told him what a stupid twat he was, did he realise that if he had suffered a fatal heart attack or stroke because of these that it would make his life insurance invalid, that he wasn't thinking about his children's future at all. His answer was to tell me that when I had taken voluntary redundancy a few years ago I hadn't even discussed it with him, when we'd actually talked about nothing else for a good few weeks. As it was, the voluntary redundancy provided me with a year's worth of income, which allowed me to build up the business which I have now, which provides almost double the income I was on before. Today he slammed down an empty pill bottle in front of me, but it looks like an old one. He told me he's thrown the lot away. I don't believe him.

It's always been his habit that when he does something wrong today that he will throw in something that I supposedly did years ago.

With this steroid business this week, I really really don't want to be with him anymore.

I've looked on various websites and I think I would actually be better off financially without him.

DS1 is starting comp in September. He is dyslexic, has very low self-esteem (probably from living with such a toxic father - did I say that he's grumpy most of the time and when he's not grumpy he's in a foul mood?)

I used to be an outgoing confident person, but over the last ten years I have turned into a recluse. I have no friends. I have no feeling of self worth. I look at my children and I see DS1 with educational and emotional problems, DS2 is a clone of his father, and I just want to curl up in bed and never get out again.

I'm sorry for such a long post, and I probably haven't even touched on how stupid I feel for putting up with this for so long. I know what I need to do but he makes me feel as if I'm blowing everything out of proportion.

If somebody came to me, or I read it on here, I know exactly what I would tell them. So why can't I do it? Why can't I just tell him to fuck off out of my life?

[hellsbellsmelons]

You probably feel like crying because you are telling people in RL.
It makes is real and it means you have to face up to it all.
It's a major step but a good one.
I'm sure you mum will support you through all of this.

[greenroom]

I couldn't do it. I sat at lunch and talked about anything and everything but I just couldn't tell her what was going on. Partly it was because if I started telling her in a public restaurant I would probably start crying, and partly because I don't have a concrete plan yet.

LegoCaltrops, I know exactly what you mean about her thinking you're weak. I feel as if I'm letting her down. Coming away from lunch today, I decided that I would get legal advice and phone WA before telling her anything. That way, it won't seem as if I'm rushing into things hastily and I will know exactly what I'm letting myself in for with regards to the house and finances.

He rang me at around 4pm today asking what time I was making our evening meal. The boys have karate every Thursday and I'll often give them a snack before karate, and then we all eat together afterwards. He told me he was feeling light-headed from not having eaten lunch and wouldn't mind an early tea. When I asked him why he hadn't eaten lunch he'd told me he was too busy working. Which is complete bollocks, because on a building site they all down tools at 1pm . He came home while I was cooking tea and got under my feet making tea and toast, huffing and puffing the whole time. When he'd finished his toast he sat at the table with his head in his hands, sighing dramatically. I ignored him. During our meal, one of the boys asked who was taking them to karate, so I said I was (because I work evenings during term time I don't normally get to go). He then mumbled, "that's it, push me out of something else".

I'll hopefully get a bit of time tomorrow to ring WA. I just hope I can actually say what I'm feeling about how he treats me, and not end up sounding really stupid like I'm talking about really trivial niggles.

[Adarajames]

Read over your thread here, look at your first post, they'll be used I people not knowing quite what to say, so just talk to them
Like you're on here talking to us, you'll do great. Hope you rest well tonight and all strength to you for tomorrow and the phone calls x

[AcrossthePond55]

I can't believe how far you've come in such a short time. For what it's worth I think it's a good idea to keep things to yourself until you've sought legal advice and talked to WA. Once you know what's what, then tell your mum. You'll be able to answer her 'what will you do, how will you live' questions. I only told my mum that 'things were really bad for a long time and now it was so bad that I needed to get out' without a lot of specifics as it would only have hurt her to know what I went through. She accepted it and we were able to talk more at a later date, after I had kicked the bastard out and had had some breathing space.

As far as him, I'd play it quietly there, too, until you know what's what. Ignore and don't rise to his bait. Don't make comments to his obvious ploys. Don't answer questions about the future. Get your ducks in a row and then tell him 'this is what is happening'.