Calling all couch psychologists...

[MelindaBarey]

I've been dating a guy for about three months. I really like him but I am wondering whether to cut my losses. Basically, I wonder whether he is capable of an intimate relationship...

I have a history of trying to save people and i don't want to get involved in another losing battle.

A bit of background about him...he is early 30s, his parents died when he was young. He had a very tough upbringing. He had a 10 year relationship and his ex cheated on him twice.

He is a very outgoing and happy person on the surface but admits he gets angry in work and is known for losing his temper with his staff. In his personal life, he professes to be very laid back and says he lets everything wash over him. He has spoken of times when people he has dated have actd "crazily" and he just walks away and cuts them off.

He says he wants a relationship and to settle down. The sex is very good but he doesn't cuddle. He'll hold hands when I do but he doesn't hug or initiate much physical contact. He never talks about feelings about anything.

He says he has dealt with his past by just burying it. He says he got through it thanks to his friends who are his family and he will never settle for a relationship where anybody tried to come between him and his time with his "family" in the pub.

We get on great, there is physical chemistry but I am not sure there is emotional chemistry. I am very attracted to him. But I do get the feeling the relationship is very much on his terms. I know its early days but we really only see each other when he can fit me in. Although, he is in contact all the time. Sometimes I don't know if I am being paranoid or he is blowing hot and cold.

Am I on to a dead end here?

OH c'on you first post screams this guy isnt right.

You go more than a week - nah - it should be building up to popping round for tea, sharing a walk whatever...

he doesnt have eny familt at all? why do you know, can you verify - this would ring bells for me.

I think you right to be wary. DO NOT SETTLE - you sound like you have leant a bit from before (as you say history) - stick with it OP

If you have to ask the question, am I on to a dead end here, then you probably are.

Sorry but if it was right you would even be questioning it

The thing that shines through for me is the extremely fair and even view you have of this guy. You really are giving him the benefit of the doubt, which is an admirable quality.

However, if this guy were a house, he'd be a project. A serious doer-upper. Do you want this?

Only other thing is that line about "show me your friends and I'll tell you about yourself". First impressions aren't always a good indicator, but if you don't like his friends, or even think they're nice... hmm

You are involving yourself in yet another losing battle. Why?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, pound to a penny you learnt a lot of crap from your family of origin. All that needs to be unlearnt.

I think you now need to totally re-assess what you want from a relationship and to achieve that you should consider counselling to unravel all the nonsense re relationships you have learnt to date.

I would read up on co-dependency because you do read as co-dependent (and in a relationship that state is very unhealthy). You also learnt that from somewhere (likely your family again) as well.

He has quite a number of red flags fluttering around him (calling ex's crazy for one should have you running now) and yet you persist. If he was a house you would call this a project and you are a fixer upper. But he is not a house.

Men are not projects to be worked on and somehow improved. They do not want to be improved or be the latest project.

You're still trying to rescue and or save others here from themselves. Being a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship simply does not work, that is actually relationship lesson number 1.

However, if this guy were a house, he'd be a project. A serious doer-upper. Do you want this?

this.

And you can't do someone up unless they wnt to be done. (even then it's a long hard fight).

He doesn't want to change.

Interesting. Atillia what from what I have written make you think I am co-dependant? i have just googled it and funnily enough id say four out of the six bullet points describe me to a tee, mostly the bits about being a people pleaser and not assertive with your own needs etc.

i was in a fairly toxic emotionally abusive relationship for about five years. my upbringing was pretty trouble free though and my parents are very happily married so this is a recent thing for me i think

That's why I mentioned it.

I think you're onto a loser with this bloke because you are also trying to put his needs again above yours. Do read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie.

It seemed to me in your initial post that you were simply putting his needs and wants well above yours, that together with the impression that you want to please him (the relationship is really all on his terms and he has said too that his "family" in the pub come first).

Your previous emotionally abusive relationship is something that has brought about with it its own lot of damage; damage from which you need to heal. I would argue that this relationship you're now in is actually of a very similar nature to that previous one and you have not fully recovered from the past abuse you suffered. Infact abusive men can and do take years to recover from.

Did you ever speak to Womens Aid or do their Freedom Programme after your last relationship ended?. If not I would suggest you do this now.

...says he lets everything wash over him. He has spoken of times when people he has dated have acted "crazily" and he just walks away and cuts them off.

and other points about him make me believe that he is very good actor

he learned to survive without confronting his issues, like most of us humans - we prefer an easy life

however.... he can walk out on you as well
he will be playing his cards close to his chest and exit when he made up his mind

We get on great, there is physical chemistry but I am not sure there is emotional chemistry. I am very attracted to him. But I do get the feeling the relationship is very much on his terms. I know its early days but we really only see each other when he can fit me in. Although, he is in contact all the time. Sometimes I don't know if I am being paranoid or he is blowing hot and cold.

People in a relationship that's going to last don't write things like this. Early stage or not. Why would you stay with him? You're clearly not happy with him, so leave?

I actually think he is about to make his exit now anyway.
He has been a bit quieter then usual the last few days. On Thursday, he text to say he was going out and would call when he got back in. I didn't hear from him until Friday night.
If that had been me and I had been unable to call, I would have text thurs night of fri am just to say night or say can't call after all, lets speak later.
When I did speak to him, I pointed this out. He wasn't impressed. Clearly thought I was crazy. Usually there are a few flirty texts flying round on a Saturday but not today. So I imagine I am now in the crazy ex category.

So it is a moot point. But I have learned something about myself which is good.

Strangely, now Im pretty sure he is about to dump me, I really really don't want him to. That probably says a lot about how missed up I am doesn't it

it would be good for you to understand what from your past makes really makes you want to be accepted on someone's terms not as a partner in a relationship

this guy OP sounds like many my DF dated, they were mostly of Jamaican origin (please don't tell me off for stereotyping ) but some also from small islands

Yep, I was right, all over just like that.
He's just called and said he can't be doing any dramas a month into a relationship. We actually started dating in April but anyway.

I said fair enough but it seems a shame as we have had such a nice time. Beacuase we had. Despite everything that I have written about my doubts, we've done some brilliant stuff, always had a great night. Often said how much we fancied each other, really good quite adventurous sex.

I said it was a shame that after one hiccup he didn't think all that was worth a disagreement, but if thats the way he feels, then good luck with everything.

He said it wasn't just that one disagreement, it was a general feeling he is getting about me, there are other signs of "neediness" and "immaturity". I wish I'd asked what, because I really can't think of any but I didn't want to get into it because i thought if I did it would look like I was arguing with him and trying to persuade him so I let him get off the phone.

I feel a bit shit. All for the best i suppose

I find that "neediness" and "immaturity" goes hand in hand with accusers coldness - so not al your fault

Perhaps someone else would not lasted with him being so withdrawn for nearly 100 days therefore not showing neediness and calling it a day before they were given labels!

So now you know all his "crazy" exes were normal women like you who expect cuddles, affection and so on to be part of a relationship.

Congratulate yourself on being a lovely, warm, kindhearted human being.

And chalk it up to experience because if you are unlucky enough to meet one of these headf*cks again you'll recognize the signs much earlier.

You are nice and wanted cuddles, he's cold and doesn't want anything beyond his mates and the odd shag. You are well out of there and now you can meet someone who also likes consistency, cuddles and just being in a relationship. He was true to type and he'll just carry on I guess.

I don't think you did anything too wrong though, you sometimes have to date someone to find out what they are like. It's not worth further thought, he was not a keeper.

www.nytimes.com/2014/08/17/fashion/we-were-a-party-of-two-but-never-quite-alone.html?_r=0

IMO when men say their exs are 'crazy', that should be understood as 'she wouldn't put up with me treating her like crap.'

It's not 'needy' to expect someone to do you the basic courtesy of ringing you when they said they would.

He's obviously a twat OP. You've had a lucky escape but you need to take a look at yourself and figure out why you were willing to place so much importance on what he wanted at the expense of what you wanted.

Sorry that happened, Melinda. You are much better off without him, but of course it feels horrible anyway.
Drama, neediness, meh, those are just words excuses: you sound very easygoing, too easygoing if anything.

There are much better men out there, and I hope you find one soon.

This business of being sweet and attentive when he is actually with you and then not that bothered at other times is normal for men or women who are really not emotionally connected to the person. Of course he will be nice when he is with you because you are providing him with what he needs! company! acceptance, sex etc. When you are not with him, on his terms, he is finding what he needs in other areas from other people.

I think he has deep emotional problems with attachment which is not unusual for children who lose their main care giver very young. If he hasn't developed this ability by now it's unlikely he ever will. He feels he has dealt with the problem, and he has. He has accepted life will be on his terms. Even if he dug it up and examined things it's unlikely he would develop the ability to care deeply. It often never develops.

Honestly, just walk away, you are on a hiding to nowhere

Thanks. It just feels crap. I've spoken to this guy every day since April. I know it's not a long time but you do start to care about someone and now I'm in the crazy category, to be wiped from conscious thought and eliminated without a backward glance. Stings.

I think I completely over estimated it. I mean is three
Months too soon to think it's an actual relationship. I heard him call me his girlfriend!

But I am walking away don't worry. I'm
Not about to do any begging and pleading!

I'm glad you're not begging and pleading. But please set the bar higher in future. I know it's difficult to assess someone's character from a few lines on a screen but quite honestly he sounded like a bastard. It was that bit about getting angry at people who work for him that did it for me. I used to be in retail and we had store managers like that. Strutting about in a suit, acting the Big I Am, throwing their weight around and getting a perverse pleasure out of making some poor minimum wage kid on the checkout cry. All that crap about rotten childhoods etc - as if it excuses anything. I HATE bullies with a passion.

And please don't listen to a word of criticism from his side because it'll be just more bullshit. Move on, move up, set a higher standard and leave this one back under the rock from which he crawled out of.

Wow Cog, you hit the nail on the head, that is the industry he is in.

He met a friend of mine a few weeks ago and I overheard him telling her how at work, people think he is a "twat". I remember thinking "oh stop showing off." Bells should have rang louder.

LOL! People think he's a twat... because.... he's a twat! I hate to generalise or offend anyone in the industry but retail management really did seem to attract a lot of arrogant, power-crazed oddballs in the company I worked for. (I was a buyer and it wasn't a lot better in that department... myself excepted, of course)

There's an MN truism which is 'when people tell you who they are, listen to them'. Next time someone gives you a long story about their iffy childhood and 'crazy' exes, put them in the 'no' pile.