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Original poster

Any other grown-up only children feel like they have "issues"

38 replies

BloodyUserName · 15/08/2014 19:52

I'm not sure whether I've posted this in the right place but here goes.

I'm a grown up only child who feels the constant need for approval and to be liked - I hate making mistakes or worse getting told I've done done thing wrong (eg at work). I've always been like this but as I get older (and should have the confidence to say "sod it, I'm me, deal with it" I'm getting worse, always regretful of errors of judgement (even little things from 15 years ago), scared of offending anyone or letting on to anyone they've upset me.

I read somewhere on another thread that this could possibly be a long standing only child issue. Does that sound feasible or is this just me? I really want to get past this. Can anyone guide me to a good self help book, online resources etc.

Any input would be very welcome.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/08/2014 20:10

I'm really not keen on a lot of the lazy stereotypes attributed to only children. Having said that I'd have thought, as an only child, you're statistically more likely to have experienced constant approval and affection and less likely to be insecure than someone who was trying to fight for parental attention over a bunch of siblings. Confused Did/do you have particularly demanding, unhappy or distant parents?

doziedoozie · 15/08/2014 20:13

I'm sure you're not alone, everyone wants to be liked and everyone dislikes to be told they've done something wrong (a bit humiliating imo).

Just seen this website and book - drrogercovin.blogspot.co.uk/p/need-to-be-liked.html

I've no idea if it's any good or not.

I've read dozens of self-help books. I think I started with this one www.amazon.co.uk/You-Can-Heal-Your-Life-ebook/dp/B000SEHQ96/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1408129792&sr=8-1&keywords=louise+hay

but if you buy one from Amazon they come up with lots of other suggestions, which is probably how I found the ones that I read. So you could try one which will lead to others.

I liked the Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner though it is not particularly addressing your problems.

boomoohoo · 15/08/2014 20:15

Hi op, I would also say it has little to do with being an only child, and more to do with unresolved issues from how u have experienced being parented. I have had similar issues to you linked to very low self esteem, and I have 2 siblings.

RatherBeRiding · 15/08/2014 20:26

Agree its more likely to be the result of how your parents were with you than whether you are an only child. I was like you - still am to a certain extent but maturity has brought the realisation that I don't need to seek approval. I was the only child of critical, controlling parents who didn't like me having my own opinions. It would have been the same if I'd had siblings, I'm sure.

You need to feel comfortable in your own skin, you need to give yourself approval. I now know that there are very few people in this world whose opinion of me matters very much at all, and those people are the ones close to me - who I chose to have close to me.

LuluJakey1 · 15/08/2014 20:29

I am an only child and often feel like the OP described. I can challenge myself when I do it but it is my default position when I feel vulnerable.

I once had some counselling and the counsellor said only children often never get their edges knocked off. Siblings are horrible to each other at times as they grow up and they compete, can be unkind to each other, invade each other's personal space etc. Only children never go through this so some never develop that kind of rough and tumble resilience and an ability to shrug things off. As they have their parents undivided attention they feel a need to please them. All of their companionship with peers comes from outside the family unit so there is nothing unconditional. I think it is certainly true of me.

Original poster
BloodyUserName · 15/08/2014 21:00

Thank you all for your opinions. Perhaps I was being to quick to fit my feelings into a "box". I thought my mum was demanding (but don't all kids) and yes I do feel like spending time with me wasn't a priority when I was growing up (I'm aware of how entitled that sounds). Maybe talking through all of this with someone would be a good idea. Did you feel it helped you lulu? I will certainly check out amazon for books though.

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 15/08/2014 21:51

It gave me an insight that helped me think about why I was reacting the way I was and to challenge it. TBH the things that helps me deal with anything better is exercise, occupying myself and feeling physically better.

MaxineQuordlepleen · 15/08/2014 22:14

I think a book that every woman should have access to is "A Woman in your own right" by Anne Dickson this. It's more than just assertiveness, it's wider and really thought provoking.

Twotallladies · 15/08/2014 22:37

I'm an only and I don't take criticism at all well, even if it's quite mild. I think I did get to grow up feeling like a bit of a princess.

Personality is a complex thing, though.

springchickennolonger · 15/08/2014 22:49

I'm an only and feel exactly like you. I don't know if it's just about being an only, though. The point made by a pp about on lies not having the edges knocked off is true, imo. I also think that, as the sole object of parents' attention only children may feel the burden of parental expectation more keenly, hence the need to please.

WhispersOfWickedness · 15/08/2014 22:55

I'm an only and feel exactly like you too Sad
I wouldn't have said there was anything wrong with how I was parented, they were loving and attentive, not that much money so not materially spoilt, equal amounts of attention and doing my own thing.
I do agree with the sentiment above about not having the edges knocked off, can definitely identify with that.

MillyDots · 15/08/2014 23:47

I am an only and feel just like you.

SnotandBothered · 16/08/2014 00:19

I am an only and can relate to the "no love is unconditional" thing. Apart from my DC, nobody I love is "blood" and therefore there is always a chance they will 'run'.

I never realised it till someone said it up thread. I hate confrontation too.

maggiethemagpie · 16/08/2014 00:25

therapy?

goodasitgets · 16/08/2014 00:30

I could have written your post OP

StevesBollockAnalogy · 16/08/2014 01:51

Hello OP, you could have been writing about me except I'm not an only child! I will second what PPs have said about it most likely being due to the parenting rather than birth order. I can't say whether this would be good for you or not, but I'm in a similar situation at the moment looking at my childhood from a wiser and more critical perspective and I have to admit it's been very hard and felt almost brutal at times. Having said that, I'm starting to feel better now and I think in the long run it will improve my self-image and relationships with my family. Whether or not remembering incidents will help you figure out why you feel the way you feel or not I can't tell you, and I don't know if it will help you. All I can say is that it is slowly helping me.

And if any good self help books etc. are recommended I will be stealing the ideas!

Original poster
BloodyUserName · 16/08/2014 07:56

Thank you all so much, it's actually nice to know I'm not the only grown up people pleaser. It's given me a lot to think about. I do have a good relationship with mum nowadays although spring has hit a nail with this "sole object of parents' attention only children may feel the burden of parental expectation more keenly" I recognise that I put a lot this on myself although I know my mum had big things envisioned for me and I feel I've disappointed her (I wake up at night and think about all the wrong turns I've taken and how they have affected others).

maggie therapy could be an option, how do you find a good one?

maxine I'll be sure to check out that book.

steve I think I need to do that, I don't want to spend the next 32 years regretting something I said/did at 15.

OP posts:
Original poster
BloodyUserName · 16/08/2014 07:58

See now I want to name heck everyone so I don't make anyone else feel left out.

OP posts:
merlincat · 16/08/2014 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fanjobiscuits · 16/08/2014 08:23

I have a sibling who is a perfectly nice person but would probably not notice if I dropped off the edge of the planet. So I haven't experienced unconditional love from that relationship particularly. I think it can be easy to assume people with siblings all have fantastic relationships that add something to their lives you don't have without one, but that's not always true and depends a lot on personality. Some people have awful siblings.

I do think having a sibling has diluted parental attention a bit for me which is positive and healthy for our particular family.

butterflyroom · 16/08/2014 08:33

I have similar issues. I have a close sibling.

JustALittleBitLost · 16/08/2014 08:38

I feel very similar to you, but I have a sister who I am very close to. I am an oldest child though, which I think is probably part of it.

Cabrinha · 16/08/2014 08:45

Birth order is like horoscopes - any one will fit.
My friend and I would both say we feel the same - she's younger of two, I'm middle of five.
I'd just concentrate on how to change your behaviour / feelings.

Purplehonesty · 16/08/2014 08:48

I'm an only and feel just like you too.

Sparks1007 · 16/08/2014 09:18

I'm an only and don't feel like this at all. I love to make people happy but I don't do it at my expense. I'm not sure that being an only child is less or more likely to get screwed over.

On a side note, I do dislike the labeling on MN.