Any other grown-up only children feel like they have "issues"

[BloodyUserName]

I'm not sure whether I've posted this in the right place but here goes.

I'm a grown up only child who feels the constant need for approval and to be liked - I hate making mistakes or worse getting told I've done done thing wrong (eg at work). I've always been like this but as I get older (and should have the confidence to say "sod it, I'm me, deal with it" I'm getting worse, always regretful of errors of judgement (even little things from 15 years ago), scared of offending anyone or letting on to anyone they've upset me.

I read somewhere on another thread that this could possibly be a long standing only child issue. Does that sound feasible or is this just me? I really want to get past this. Can anyone guide me to a good self help book, online resources etc.

Any input would be very welcome.

Like StevesBollock, I feel exactly like you OP except I wasn't an only child growing up (am now due to the death of my DB, but these feelings predate that). I think some people just don't take criticism well! My DH is also like this to some extent and he isn't an only either.

The bit I find hardest is there is no one else. Both of my parents are now dead and there is no one.

I am married but that is different. He is not 'blood' as someone up thread said. He could up and run- we are very happy but that isn't the point. He is not part of my whole life- we met when we were 30.

There is no one to talk to who shares my life the way my mum and dad did. I can't say 'Do you remember.' or ask any questions and I can't go any further back now, no one to discuss my grandparents with, or my parents' childhoods. It feels like my childhood does not exist now for anyone but me and that makes me feel at times like I don't matter to other people.

By the way, this is not a constant feeling, I am not unhappy and wandering around in misery but I do think about it sometimes.

As an only child I always craved a family and never felt like a child, more of a mini adult. I never knew how to behave like everyone else and felt awkward and unsure. I would be different personalities to different people just to fit in. Social awkwardness has continued although no one would ever guess as I act well. Being around others too long drains me as I enjoy my own company as that is how I grew up. My children who are now adults ate my blood relatives and we are very close. They have given me that sense of " family" that I craved all those years ago. I made my own family which was much better than the one I grew up in.

are my blood relatives...they didn't eat them haha

Thanks everyone, I'm starting to see that it is more of a relationship/personality thing than a specific only child issue. I certainly didn't want to imply that only children have the monopoly on feeling this way.

I'm very independant and have a fantastic husband with whom I can completely be myself without anxiety. I just can't be like that with others, I certainly wouldn't confide in anyone else so I only really have him to talk to. Sorry for the thinking out loud.

That's me milly - I find being sociable absolutely draining. I love my own company but feel there must be something wrong with me as "I should" have more friends/go out more. I love the idea of creating your own family.

Lulu - I find it hard being the only one to worry about my parents as they get older. My friends don't know them and I have no siblings to share any stress/worry with (in saying that I know from others that can be a problem even if you have siblings). I'm sorry you've lost your parents.

The book I mentioned above might be useful. Covers lots of things women can feel responsible for.

Have you read the 'introverts' threads on here. There have been several and might apply to you just search for it.

Being sociable might be draining because you are worrying what people think of you, that was my problem, though I hadn't worked it out. I did read lots of self help books which did help me to work out where I was going wrong.

Thanks doozie I will have a look for the thread and the book. You're exactly right about why I find being sociable tiring.

Great stuff, I feel confident I can take this forward.

I'm an only, and have had therapy in the past.

I think my 'issues' stem from the way I was parented, rather than being an only. I didn't have a lot of attention from my parents, they were distant and disinterested, mostly. I worked out from a very young age that to 'please' them I had to 'be good' (quiet, not complain, look happy when it was required, do exactly as I was told, always). My father had a horrible anger problem - lots of throwing and hitting things (not people) and slamming doors. I used to be terrified of him. My overwhelming issue is that I am not good enough - I wasn't a good enough daughter, a good enough wife (divorced now, he was EA and manipulative), a good enough parent. I am working on it, but mostly I feel like I will never be good enough for anyone, or be good enough at anything.

But I think had I had siblings, we all might have felt like that!

I'm an only and feel exactly as op describes. I always attributed it to distant parents as well as a lonely childhood.

I dread that DD will become an only.

I was like this but I'm the eldest.

Psychotherapy helped me draw a line between what I wanted, and what other people wanted me to want, and what I thought other people wanted me to want.

totally batshit. Be good, be quiet, be no trouble, never complain, look happy. I had other siblings but this was MY role. My x was EA too. Divorced him. Thank God. Post-psychotherapy I'm seeing somebody lovely. Good humoured, decent, positive, self-aware.... I wish I'd had psychotherapy years ago.

With age comes a bit more acceptance of who you are. Having done the "friends" thing for years because I felt odd and not normal for liking being on my own, I have finally got to a place where although I am friendly and can chat to anyone about anything, I don't have close friends nor need them. That is something I have learnt, that I don't need them.