Men that hit women, do they ever change?

[Noneedtoworryatall]

Can it happen?

No sorry, and if a man hits one woman, he`ll also hit the next as well.

I asked this exact question of the police officer who did some training for the charity I volunteer for. He had years and years of experience and was firmly of the opinion that they never do.

I am warily saying yes they can change. I met my DP 11 years ago. He was violent as soon as i got pregnant (planned). We split up 8 years ago and went NC.
We got back together last year and things are completely different to how they were a decade a go. We have both matured and he is much calmer and hasn't even tried to lay a finger on me.

I am under no illusions that this is the norm, i believe most men don't change and i guess i will never know if he may hit me again but so far so good.
I agree with madrigals as well, DP can be difficult at times. We have a son with ASD and it can be stressful a lot of the time and DP finds it difficult to cope. Also we don't live together at the moment as DP works at the other end of country so i have no idea how he would respond if he wasn't able to retreat back home.

Anyone can change, but only a few ever do.

First step is accepting that they choose their behaviour

Second, that they choose that behaviour because they have underlying issues - or a personality problem

Third, seek, accept and engage with professional help for the underlying issues, for as long as it takes

Fourth, choose not to repeat the behaviour.

Most abusive people don't reach the first step

Fairgame please be very careful.

One of my family got away from her abuser only to go back ten years later, after they had both grown up. It took only a few months for the violence to start again once he'd moved in and another 5 years to get away again.

These men NEVER change. They have an internal rage (usually because of their Mother) and no amount of therapy or sympathetic girlfriends is going to quell it enough, they cease violent behaviour forever. It will always be inside them.

These men are not able to love women...and that includes any daughters they may have.

With respect Fairgame, he's hardly been "tested" after a year only, and not even living with you.
Be safe x

I do genuinely know someone who changed. He was armed forces and developed PTSD and a drink problem.
He did manage to resolve these with a LOT of help, and became supportive, dry, and gentle.
Sadly the damage was done by then to his wife, who drank herself into an early grave.

No they do not change. And to get to the point of hitting, they would have been subtly wearing you down for quite a while. Snapping at you, banging things, saying how tired/ill they are to gain your sympathy, blaming you, abdicating responsibility, controlling behaviour...there are so many red flags. Please look at his other behaviours.

AdoraBell hit the nail on the head. I have only known one person to change. He spent years in therapy and stayed single during this time. I don't think it's possible to change unless you do all the things adora has said and agree, most will never get past the first step.

Never,

the first time my ex was physically violent directly to me, he went for my throat, it was when I tried to leave him, after spending 3 years enduring emotional, sexual abuse, physical intimidation, and generally violent behaviour,

I once asked his friend why no one had told me, warned me what he was really like, and he said he was sorry but they, as in his friends, had thought he had changed

So no, they cant change, they can try, they can lie to themselves and their friends, but they will never change, violence will always come to the surface,

I will cite my ex as an example. He was physically aggressive a great deal - a shove, a slap, an "accidental" trip-up...but the verbal abuse, gaslighting, denial, minimisation, blame and controlling behaviour did far more damage.

my exH broke his previous partner's nose - she started the fight and i believed him

he threw stuff at me, he shouted, he sexually assaulted me, but never 'hit' me

he also abuses his wife, she hasn't said anything to me, but her eyes tell me what's happening

this has been over a span of 30 years

No, I don't think so ( in my experience) I think that they can maybe hold in the physical stuff at times because the fear they created is sometimes enough.
When you start to relax boom a slap, a push, a beating.

If they have hurt you once never take the chance that they can do it again... next time they could kill you!

I think it is theoretically possible but in reality, unlikely. And never within an existing relationship. When that genie is out of the bottle it's only a matter of time.

Not in my experience, both in my professional capacity and in my personal experience.

If you are currently in an abusive relationship PLEASE seek help, both medically for your injuries and from the police.

Think about it in terms of the AA. Theoretically, if they took steps listed above and did a huge amount of work o their own then they possibly wouldn't be abusive with someone new but it's like alcoholism - even if you haven't drunk a drop in decades you are still alcoholic and you have an immense amount of ongoing support if needed. Abusers don't and the strains of a relationship are far greater than avoiding the pub or a glass.

If you are with someone who has hit you or been abusive then it's become part of a pattern in your relationship and will happen again and worse. If someone has told you they have been abusive to a previous partner then your relationship is already distorted, you are being put on the pedestal of the person who won't "cause" them to be abusive again. And you will annoy them at some time, be less than their fantasy of perfect - because that's life and no one is perfect - and then you will become the "cause" of their abuse as they will put it.
Ask the previous partners. The ones who got away will tell you the truth

During Home Start training we had a session on domestic violence and the Freedom programme. Apparently it was originally designed for offenders in an attempt to rehabilitate them, the version for survivors came later.
We were told that it was possible for 60% to change but there was no suggestion that this could occur within a relationship.

I do believe people can change if they want to, but personally I wouldn't be sticking around to find out.......once is one time too many for me.

The thing is that they don't want to change. The abusive behaviour works for them. OP has anyone mentioned the Lundy Bancroft book, 'Why does He do that' ? It really cleared up a lot of misconceptions for me.

no they are cunts.

My H hit me, then stood there crying saying 'what have I done to my baby?'. Three months later he got sick and died and I couldn't have cared less after the years and years of emotional and financial abuse. Saved me having to leave him.

This was nearly five years ago and today for some reason I'm remembering what it was like to live with him; pure hell. most days I don't think about it. Today I'm so so glad he is gone.

apologies for hijack a bit fragile today- this is a legacy of abuse. Get out.

No, they don't.

I would never even consider dating a man who had hit a woman in the past. If a man ever hit me I would seriously consider putting a mild poison in his food and then making his life hell until he recovered.

But maybe I'm just vindictive that way.

I'm going to differ and say that yes, it's possible that the behaviour changes. It's not likely though. And it's not a good bet.

I have seen it, but I have seen far more where it doesn't work out. Nonetheless, I do have a couple of examples where it did work out:

• A man who was violent in one relationship and it was known, but no others. Of course you're not there etc. but in this case both parties in the violent relationship were violent. That doesn't make it right, because the woman came off worse, but it was I guess a mutually destructive relationship.

• A family member. I know to the best level of knowledge I can that there is no violence now. There was none in the early days, but the H had alcohol and anxiety problems which manifested in violence in early middle age. There were major stressors on the relationship financially and interfering family members. There was also family illness. Generally it was a pressure cooker. Still, lots of people cope with this without drink and violence.

I think a violent person has the capacity to be so in any relationship, but that without a doubt, there are some relationships that are more combustible than others. For that reason, I would suspect there is more likelihood of a violent person having a subsequent 'normal' relationship, than of them suddenly acting in an acceptable way within their current relationship.

I have a problematic relationship with this though as my very close family member went through this and they are now and have been the most devoted couple for 20 years. Having said that, I still would have advised anyone who went through what they went through 25 years ago to leave...

I think physical abuse is a symptom of a hatred for or at least lack of respect of women in general. Even if the violence stops that negative view of women will manifest itself in other ways with either emotional or financial abuse.

My head is all over the place.

They always change the goal posts don't they. Nothing is ever good enough.

I need to think but I just keep having the same conversation with myself and getting nowhere re making a decision!