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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like I'm in a nightmare- PLEASE help, feeling desperate and vulnerable

32 replies

AC786 · 15/08/2014 17:04

I have had a crappy marriage. I got married and moved in with MIL and she was awful to me. I felt rather persecuted by her. I could not do anything right. She is dishonest and lies. Things would happen and she said that they never did or she never said what she did! She would lie to my husband about me. Husband and me would hang up on me and I felt very isolated. In this short time, husband lost his job and we had a baby. Husband, despite being in a good job, told me he had no money. He never told me his salary. As the situation was bad, he said we would move out but he would have to borrow money. He then suggested I stay with my parents. After a bit, he said that we would live together once he gets a job.

He now has a job. He says he does not want to live together. He wants to time alone with DC then he will decide if he will live together. She is just a baby. I have been living away for months and he has been seeing DC at weekends with me. Otherwise, he doesn't call/text to ask after DC etc. now he just wants to see her alone and he said that if I don't do this, he will involve the law.

I feel that he is trying to end things with me. Even though he has not been great with me, we have not lived as a family unit as MIL has always been about. I feel that we need to try for the sake of DC. He says that if we were to, he has suggested where he wants to live and that is not where I want to be as DC is set in a routine/ nursery etc and I would have to remove her from that. Plus I have help with childcare which I would lose. When I put this to him, he said I had to make a choice.

I also feel that him having time alone with DC is not promoting the correct message to DC. Regardless, I have offered him time and have not heard back. I think that this may be because I said that he could have her for an hour and I would be off somewhere but available. This is because she is a baby and always looks for me. I also asked him for her passport as he has it and would not give it to me.

I don't know what to do. It's impossible to talk to him as on the phone, he hangs up and will not take my call and in person, he runs away. I feel as though that he may go to courts/ file for divorce. He has a huge family and they have heard his side of the story and I'm sure encouraging him to leave me. I just dont think that's fair on my daughter. Do I give in to him? Live where he wants? Let him have all the time with DC? Just to appease? For my DC. PLEASE HELP! I'm desperate

OP posts:
CommonBurdock · 15/08/2014 18:47

OP, why haven't you taken legal advice yet?

veronicasawyerheartsjd · 15/08/2014 18:52

I didn't want your post to go unanswered, although I am not the best advice giver in the world.

It sounds like he bailed out of this relationship a long time ago, what do you get from him, putting aside your baby's relationship with him? You (and your child) deserve someone who would bend over backwards to be where you are, put your needs above his wants, not hide family finances from you and not put his mother first.

You sound very scared he is going to separate with you officially. Can being a lone parent and being free of him really be worse than being stuck in this limbo?

butterflybuttons · 15/08/2014 19:18

You posted about this the other day?

Original poster
AC786 · 15/08/2014 19:47

I did post the other day- I guess I feel more and more scared that I'm going to have to share my DC

OP posts:
Horsemad · 15/08/2014 20:01

Do NOT let him have DC until you have her passport! Get some legal advice ASAP.

SassyPasty · 15/08/2014 20:03

I'm sorry to say that it sounds like the relationship is over - the only indication he has given that you should live together as a family has been somewhere he knows you don't want to be.

I think you need to come to terms with this and get things sorted out both financially and with regards to his contact with the child. I must take issue with your statement about being scared you'll have to 'share' your DC - she is as much his as yours you know and is entitled to see her daddy.

Original poster
AC786 · 15/08/2014 20:19

Yes I know that you are right. I did not mean 'share' as it sounds. What I mean is that I'm not sure that her going from household to household is right for her. Isn't that unsettling? Plus he lives with his mother and she has been dishonest so I will not know what is going on with her there.

OP posts:
butterflybuttons · 15/08/2014 20:23

Have you reported the passport as stolen yet? If not you need to do that now. And then solicitor - you really don't have any other option.

This man is not on your side - you really need to consider him as the enemy now - sorry.

Your daughter going from household to household is the last of your worries!

SassyPasty · 15/08/2014 20:34

Oh sweet, it's not easy. I don't know how old your little one is but my youngest was 22 months when I split from his daddy and I was the unsettled one, not him Smile If you can settle things amicably it is far, far better than ending up in a court room. Suggest what you will be comfortable with first, perhaps a weekend afternoon or just a tea time visit and build from there.

As far as the passport goes, tell him this is a reason why you are anxious about contact and suggest it is held by a trusted third party or a solicitor.

Original poster
AC786 · 16/08/2014 09:00

Thank you all... Feels like a nightmare

OP posts:
butterflybuttons · 16/08/2014 10:55

So - what are you going to do. Will you see a solicitor and report the passport as stolen?

Quitelikely · 16/08/2014 11:16

I think he has left you but not told you and the reason for that is he thinks he won't get to see his children so he's just keeping up the act.

You deserve better

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2014 11:33

Your DD has a passport.

Is your husband from another country or did you have it for a holiday?

Original poster
AC786 · 16/08/2014 17:18

So went to meet DH so he could spend time with DC. He handed me passport then left. Did not say anything or spevd time with DC. I was shocked. Called. No response. Now what?!?

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 16/08/2014 17:31

Get yourself out of this marriage. Are you coping financially?

Vivacia · 16/08/2014 17:33

Get. Legal. Advice.

veronicasawyerheartsjd · 16/08/2014 18:20

His actions speak louder than any words, I think he has already left your relationship, I am sorry. I think you need to start gaining some control in this relationship. Leave him a message saying you want a frank and open face to face discussion with him or you are filing for divorce. Get yourself a free half hour with a family law solicitor this Monday. Whether you are working or not call tax credits too and enquire about tax credits as a single person so you are okay financially.

Original poster
AC786 · 17/08/2014 07:56

We were thinking of living together a few months ago.... Thinking that things would have been different if we did. I lt wouldn't change some if DH character but may have avoided this situation today

OP posts:
LiberalLibertines · 17/08/2014 08:03

He's not suddenly going to change into the husband you want him to be.

He's shown himself and his true feelings, believe it.

Now get practical, for the sake of your child, get tough.

FunkyBoldRibena · 17/08/2014 08:06

You may have been love, but I don't expect he was.

butterflybuttons · 17/08/2014 08:08

He checked out of this relationship long ago - you need to take decisive action and move on with your life.

MissMarplesBloomers · 17/08/2014 08:18

Please get legal advice, send him one last email stating he is welcome to have access to his daughter under mutually agreed terms through your solicitor, then stop contacting him.

Keep any contact to a minimum,& always about practicalities.

He doesn't want a relationship, and sounds like Motber is pulling his strings, so you are best off out of it.

How old is your DD?

monsterowl · 17/08/2014 08:31

So sorry to hear about this. Sounds like you are not getting anything at all from the relationship, so please don't bend to your husband's rules! Please don't let him have DC on his own. That could set a precedent and give him more power if you have to go to court to set access rights. But I second what others have said here about the importance of getting legal advice. It sounds like you and DC are better off away from him and his bullying family.

tipsytrifle · 17/08/2014 08:38

I'm sure you know that this marriage - such as it was - is over. I'm sure you know that you need to get active rather than remain passive. I believe on your other thread we all felt there was some large danger of him abducting your child. You need to seek legal advice to prevent this. You also need to cancel that passport!

Reality is staring at you, waiting for someone to make a move.
Let it be you rather than him, please.

Original poster
AC786 · 17/08/2014 12:51

Thank you SO much.

I hear you all. How do I 'get tough'? It's a genuine question- I have not stood up to his aggression. Every time I have tried, he goes into the victim mode.

Right now, I seem to be looking back contemplating whether I should have done anything differently. For example, a few months ago, we were looking for a place to rent together. That just fizzled out. Would that mean that he would have picked at less as away from MIL? I don't know. Would he be more open and honest? I just don't know? Is he just the way he is? Would he be different away from the influence of family?

DC is not even 2. I'm scared that DC will be away from me, in am environment that is not as attentive. How disruptive is going from household to household esp in her school years? Plus I won't know what is happening. He is not talking to me so how so we discuss things around her?!?!

OP posts:
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