I feel like I'm in a nightmare- PLEASE help, feeling desperate and vulnerable

[AC786]

I have had a crappy marriage. I got married and moved in with MIL and she was awful to me. I felt rather persecuted by her. I could not do anything right. She is dishonest and lies. Things would happen and she said that they never did or she never said what she did! She would lie to my husband about me. Husband and me would hang up on me and I felt very isolated. In this short time, husband lost his job and we had a baby. Husband, despite being in a good job, told me he had no money. He never told me his salary. As the situation was bad, he said we would move out but he would have to borrow money. He then suggested I stay with my parents. After a bit, he said that we would live together once he gets a job.

He now has a job. He says he does not want to live together. He wants to time alone with DC then he will decide if he will live together. She is just a baby. I have been living away for months and he has been seeing DC at weekends with me. Otherwise, he doesn't call/text to ask after DC etc. now he just wants to see her alone and he said that if I don't do this, he will involve the law.

I feel that he is trying to end things with me. Even though he has not been great with me, we have not lived as a family unit as MIL has always been about. I feel that we need to try for the sake of DC. He says that if we were to, he has suggested where he wants to live and that is not where I want to be as DC is set in a routine/ nursery etc and I would have to remove her from that. Plus I have help with childcare which I would lose. When I put this to him, he said I had to make a choice.

I also feel that him having time alone with DC is not promoting the correct message to DC. Regardless, I have offered him time and have not heard back. I think that this may be because I said that he could have her for an hour and I would be off somewhere but available. This is because she is a baby and always looks for me. I also asked him for her passport as he has it and would not give it to me.

I don't know what to do. It's impossible to talk to him as on the phone, he hangs up and will not take my call and in person, he runs away. I feel as though that he may go to courts/ file for divorce. He has a huge family and they have heard his side of the story and I'm sure encouraging him to leave me. I just dont think that's fair on my daughter. Do I give in to him? Live where he wants? Let him have all the time with DC? Just to appease? For my DC. PLEASE HELP! I'm desperate

I would have thought 'get tough' should involve communicating via a solicitor. Let him think he's the victim if he wants. What's important is not winning some petty argument about who's right, but getting your life back and setting firm boundaries. And remember, he can only manipulate you with 'playing the victim'etc if you let him. Just don't engage with him on that level. And so glad to see from your last post that you sound ready and able to stand up for yourself, well done!

Get tough means, get what you're entitled to benefit wise.

Tell your not so D H that you will let him know what contact arrangements are when you've seen a solicitor.

See a solicitor!

Don't fall for any 'victim' speeches he may pull, he's shown his true colours.

Yes, your dd needs contact with her dad, but build it up so you, and her are comfortable, not just going straight into over nighters, or weekends.

And also stop waiting around for him to be in your relationship - he has already left you. There is nothing you can do to change that. But you need to protect yourself and your child emotionally and financially.

Any recommendations on who to speak with?

Someone may have more specific suggestions, but I'd make Citizen's Advice a first stop - they may know of ways to get affordable or free legal advice, or will be able to point you in the direction of the right people to help.

You could try mediation: www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/ Would involve a solicitor speaking to your husband (or his representative) on your behalf, and the idea is to try to avoid going to court, which can be expensive (although you might be entitled to legal aid).

I am not remotely an expert though - someone else might be along with more knowledge!

My apologies, I missed the post where you say the passport has been returned. That's a relief but must admit I'm surprised.

Please try not to review and analyse this unpleasant sounding man until you have more freedom from him under your belt.

You still need legal advice regarding contact ... have you explored that yet?

I also think you would benefit from contacting Womens Aid.
He and his mother have been abusing you and I think you need to talk to the experts to understand and come to terms with this.

Are you in the UK?
Where are you originally from?
Where are your family or friends when all this is going on?

From what you have written, he's left now. You have her passport and you are free to do what you want.