Numb and don't know what to do

[Shock3d]

Not really sure why I'm posting to be honest, I just feel very alone now and hope that maybe writing everything down may help somehow. I've nc'd as my dh knows my usual posting name.

I've found out dh is having an affair with someone at work, it's been going on a few months from what I can tell. I had a few warning signs (always late in from work, secretive with his phone etc) but didn't get my proof until yesterday.

I feel completely numb, I don't know what to do. It's like I've shut down. I haven't slept last night, everything is just spinning in my head.

We have a 2yo DS and have recently completed the purchase of our 'forever home'. In a way I'm probably to blame, I have a history of mental illness due to sexual abuse and I struggle with the intimacy side of a relationship, sometimes it's like I end up reliving the abuse so I withdraw from the situation. Not helpful I know. I have tried to sort it, I was on medication for years, have tried every therapy going but still every so often I struggle. Dh doesn't like or understand why I'm like this and is very reluctant to ever talk about it.

This ow has been staying in our house (in a work capacity). She has befriended me and my ds. It's all just been a front.

I just don't know what do do now. No-one knows I know, I'm scared of the next step. How will I manage with a young dc? Where will we live? Can I afford everything? Why did he do it? Why not just tell me he was unhappy and wanted to leave?

I'm sorry I'm rambling. It's just my head is a mess. :(

The main thing to know is that you can do it, others have before you, in equally awful circumstances. YOU CAN DO THIS.

However, it would be much better for you if you could tell someone - a relative, a close friend.

Meanwhile, get a 30 min free appointment with a solicitor set up and find out where you stand.

This is not your fault, particularly with the problems you have had in the past and his lack of empathy about that or indeed acknowledgement of it.

Short term: get a cup of tea - have you managed to eat anything today, if not, try to eat a bit.

Oh op what a shock do you have a relative or friend who can come over?

No, no, no, you are never to blame for this kind of behaviour, if he wasn't happy he should have voiced that and done the decent thing, moved out and then started up his relationship with the OW, no matter what you have said and done, you do not ever deserve this kind of treatment, ever.

I can't imagine this being any worse, in your home, in front of you, my god, the actual never of the two of them.

What you do now is make plans to either move out or get the locks changed and do not let him back in, you need time on your own to process what has gone on and what you want to do about it, without intervention from him.

I don't see how you come back from this tbh, and having one child is no biggie, at least half of families are now brought up by one parent, it's really not that difficult. You need to get knowledgeable about what you will be entitled to, make an appointment at CAB and take it from there and make sure you have support and someone to talk to in RL.

You will be surprised at how much help there is for single parents.

I don't really have anyone, my parents are away at the moment. I have 2 friends and one of them is away. The other one is crazily busy right now. I don't really let people close to me, I have huge trust issues, with good reason it would seem.

I want to runaway, just to have a few days head space on my own and figure things out. That isn't possible though because of work and ds.

I don't feel like eating, drinking or anything really. I have had a cup of tea today and a slice of toast. I feel physically sick.

I can't cry, I don't feel angry, I don't really feel anything? Is that normal?

I know people have been through this thousands of times, it just all seems very daunting at the moment.

I've been working nights recently to try and make our standard of living better, I feel sick at thinking what they've been up to in my house, with my son here, whilst I've been out.

Awful, poor you, you are in shock.

Is there no way you can go and stay with family or friends, take your dc with you.

In a way I'm probably to blame, I have a history of mental illness due to sexual abuse and I struggle with the intimacy side of a relationship, sometimes it's like I end up reliving the abuse so I withdraw from the situation

You can no more say you are to blame for this than a cancer sufferer is to blame for getting cancer.

You need space, ask him to leave for a few days.

Where is the other woman now? is she still staying with you? If so, I would not confront her or DH. I would be inclined to ring their manager and forewarn him/her that you will be dropping off this woman's belongings because she is no longer welcome in your home and tell them the reason why.

You are in shock and you are numb.
That is totally normal.
Other emotions will soon follow so don't wish for them too soon.

Do you have absolute proof that you can show him?
If so then I would confront him and get him to move out of the house.
You need some head space right now and him out of your line of sight.

Or simply pack up all his stuff and lock the doors and keep him out.
Not sure how practical this is.

I don't think there's any coming back from this.
He's being a total cunt (and I don't use that word often at all)

Nothing YOU have done is the 'reason' here.
Is a weak, pathetic human being and that's all you really to know right now.

I really do feel for you. Soooo many of us have been there.
All we can say is it will get better.
Not anytime soon, but eventually.

You need to look after yourself as much as possible.
Keep your sugar levels up.
Sugary tea, soups and ice lollies will be your friends for a while.
And toast if you can keep it down (I couldn't)

Then once he's out of the house you can get practical.
Solicitor, CAB, CSA etc....

for you!

HE IS!!

I don't have anyone I can go to until my parents get back next week, I think I may need to keep a lid on everything until then.

I can't phone and ring the manager, he is the manager. I could contact head office I guess but at the moment I don't want to cause him trouble, I don't have the energy for a fight.

My ds idolises dh, he's a real Daddy's boy. I keep thinking I've ruined his life. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. If I take him away with me he'll cry and want his Dad. :(

She isn't staying here now but will be back next week. I'm tempted to wait until they are together and then pull them, just to watch them both squirm.

I have definite proof. I found a way to remotely hack his phone and retrieve all his messages including deleted ones. They were sat in my front room texting each other with what they'd like to do once I left for work. :(

Are you able to take copies of the messages? Sorry I'm not very technical so not sure if this is doable or not.

This was absolutely NOT your fault, your husband is a complete and utter Twat. Why does the OW have to live in your home?

OMG, your ds can still idolise his dad, without you having to suffer any more abuse from him, enough is enough, there's no coming back from this, not unless you want to pretend all is OK whilst those two are getting on right under your roof, seriously OP, get rid.

I have copied the messages and printed them. The ow staying as a temporary thing whilst training to save on hotel bills.

I know there is no coming back from this, I could never trust him again. I'm not sure I will ever trust anyone again.

What a pair of cretins.

I'm sorry.

Don't waste your time with revenge fantasies- gratifying though they might be in theory. Tell him you know and ask home to leave.

I dont want revenge, it's not in my nature. I do however have some questions I'd like them both to answer. I don't get angry, I don't shout so it wouldn't turn into a screaming match.

Still feel so numb. Have taken ds out for a run around, going to bath him and put him to bed now. Dh is 'working late' again as he's just so busy.

Can you hold it together and plan your next moves with cold, calculated determination or do you feel as though you're going mad and need to get away from him?

If you remote hacked his phone, I'd take legal advice on whether the messages can be used as evidence. You may need to get legit copies.

I know you don't want to think about that right now, but you need to know before you tell him, so he doesn't wipe everything.

Evidence for what Absolutely??

He can't wipe them, when you delete messages they don't really go.

I don't feel like I'm going mad, I just feel shutdown from everything. I can remain controlled, thats obe thing I can do very well.

In that case I would get your house in order. Get to a solicitors and plan exactly what you want to happen so that you can present a fait accompli.

You are a stronger woman than me op. I would be practically homicidal. Disgusting cunts the pair of them. Tell head office. Tell everyone. They need to know what duplicitous amoral bastards they have working for them. Totally untrustworthy the pair of them need sacking. I actually can't decide who is the most disgusting. Him or her. Cunts.

Get it all planned out, down to drafting the email you'll send his head office explaining why unfortunately colleague's going to need some accommodation booking.

I don't feel strong. I'm just naturally an extremely calm person. In the long run getting him sacked wouldn't help me. I don't even know if his company have a policy about relationships in the workplace.

What is a fait accompli? Sorry if that's a stupid question.