Numb and don't know what to do

[Shock3d]

Not really sure why I'm posting to be honest, I just feel very alone now and hope that maybe writing everything down may help somehow. I've nc'd as my dh knows my usual posting name.

I've found out dh is having an affair with someone at work, it's been going on a few months from what I can tell. I had a few warning signs (always late in from work, secretive with his phone etc) but didn't get my proof until yesterday.

I feel completely numb, I don't know what to do. It's like I've shut down. I haven't slept last night, everything is just spinning in my head.

We have a 2yo DS and have recently completed the purchase of our 'forever home'. In a way I'm probably to blame, I have a history of mental illness due to sexual abuse and I struggle with the intimacy side of a relationship, sometimes it's like I end up reliving the abuse so I withdraw from the situation. Not helpful I know. I have tried to sort it, I was on medication for years, have tried every therapy going but still every so often I struggle. Dh doesn't like or understand why I'm like this and is very reluctant to ever talk about it.

This ow has been staying in our house (in a work capacity). She has befriended me and my ds. It's all just been a front.

I just don't know what do do now. No-one knows I know, I'm scared of the next step. How will I manage with a young dc? Where will we live? Can I afford everything? Why did he do it? Why not just tell me he was unhappy and wanted to leave?

I'm sorry I'm rambling. It's just my head is a mess. :(

"Done deal".

Fair accompli means presenting them with the way its going to be. No options. Its like this. Suck it up.

If that makes sense.

You are probably right. Him losing his job wont help you. Does he have life insurance?

:) That made me smile LEM, first time today so thank you. Yes he has life insurance, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't payout if I finished him off though.

I'm sorry but my brain is not functioning quite right today. Who do I present with the way it's going to be? What do I want to be asking for? I honestly am completely clueless, sorry.

Sorry OP I'm rushing ahead and getting carried away. Just take things at your own pace obviously.

I would set out what I wanted in terms of him leaving the house, seeing the children in the short term, short term finances etc. So he comes in from work and you say, "I know about you and her. Your bags are in the kitchen, you're to leave now. Come at 10am on Saturday to collect the children. Here are the divorce papers.".

What happens when you own a house together? We have to sell it yes? Can I kick him out? What if he refuses to leave? How much does a divorce cost?

I guess I should start getting an idea of these things. With knowledge comes power as they say.

Yes, definitely.

I wouldn't let him back in the house tonight, OP. I just couldn't do that, knowing they were sitting there texting each other like that, never mind the rest. I would pack a bag for him and tell him to get out.

As for her! I would definitely talk to their head office; you may well find that she was offered alternative accommodation but chose to stay at your house instead.

You really need to get angry and gain control of the situation now. You poor thing.

My concern would be that it's difficult to take control if you don't know the facts about things such as the house. It'd be good to know the facts, and have a plan, for things like him refusing to leave the house. For example, having his parents on the way to collect him.

Of course, I don't know if I would be capable of this until in the situation.