Family adjusting to SAHM returning to work

[Joysmum]

Being a SAHM suited me and our family. I missed out on my mum when I was growing up due to her long hours. My extended family have benefitted too as my MIL was seriously debilitated by a serious heart attack at a young age and then died 7 months later, followed by my FIL being diagnosed with dementia which ended his life 2 months ago. The trouble came some years ago when I decided I wanted a career of my own.

DH has been able to build a good career for himself because he could concentrate on doing that with no responsibilities or regular hours to keep at home. Him fulfilling his career aspirations gave good rewards.

He used to say he was doing all the long, unpredictable, unpaid hours for us...that was until last year when I asked him if he honestly believed if he didn't have us he'd be less committed to his job and work less? Mumsnet made me see the truth, before that I felt I ought to be grateful, that feeling resentful of being trapped in a life I didn't want was ungrateful. Of course then dawned on him I was right and those declarations stopped. He loves his job, it pays well, and makes him feel like he's achieved in life. He'd always said if I wanted him to change jobs he would, he knows I would never call his bluff.

Now, I want to work, I want a career of my own. I'm pushing hard and fast to accelerate the time it takes to get qualified, I'm actually working longer hours than him. Despite his assurances that he'd step up with the household responsibilities, he hasn't. It's not because of anything sinister, he just genuinely believed the amount of household responsibility he'd taken on since I started studying was actually more than half.

Things came to a head as I asked him to consider the hours he spent last week doing chores, and what hadn't been done in that time and how long those things would have taken (that's even ignoring the occasional chores like windows and cupboards) it's suddenly dawned on him that what he's been doing is not enough.

This week has been dreadful, he's been so down as his job has required long hours and he realises what a struggle it will be to continue being as committed at work as he has been and take up even just half the household responsibilities (although by rights he ought to be doing more given I'm doing more hours than him). This will also cut out any quality family time together like we were used to at weekends because that's when he'll need to do much of his share of chores.

We're now at that stage where it's got to dawn on him that he can't cope, that the only way to fit it all in is to either lose our quality family time, or for him to cut back on his unpaid additional hours. This of course means he's got to really face up to the fact that his excessive commitment to work really is for him, that we've just benefitted from what he wanted to do anyway. What affect this would cutting back have on his current job and continued career development?

I'm now wondering if the answer is for me to continue to put him first and just work part time from home when I'm qualified so I can do the majority of the chores, he remains flexible in his availability at work and we still get quality family time to play hard. A cleaner isn't an option. There's no reason financially for me to work, it's something I want to do. I never thought I'd be a SAHM, I always thought I'd have a good career.

He's really struggling emotionally this week (with the realisation of just how much his commitment to his career has impacted on my life and will continue to need) and I'm torn between feeling vindicated in my feelings (resentment, but then feeling selfish because of being judged 'lucky' by others who don't understand how much of myself I've given up, or the enrichment it's added to DH's life) and in worrying about the impact on our lives of me expecting him to take on at least half the responsibilities at home.

I'll also admit, I have a massive chip on my shoulder from social attitudes that I'm living off my husband, am not setting a good example to my DD and how 'lucky' I am being a SAHM. Ive resented it, don't feel fulfilled, feel trapped and have done for years. I'm a people pleaser though. I guess being stung by the attitudes of others and that resentment has made me want to aim for a well respected career so I can prove to myself, and others, that I'm very capable and can be a success and who has the self respect to not live off her husband! A well respected career that i enjoy and could do from home part time would fit in with my need to achieve, with his career aspirations and still allow for quality family time.

Mind you, I'll admit there's the petulant child side of me that wants him to find this hard, wants him and the world to truly appreciate how much of myself I've given up over the years, to value my input over the years. Him having to do the same now and compromise (although not give up) on his wants, will show the wider world the effects of him having to adjust and see how me compromising on my wants over the years has allowed our family to have a better quality of life.

It's just a rant really

[DocBrown]

Ok maybe cushy was not the best word. The op has done some pretty major care work for the in laws, runs the house, animals, btl properties and (I'm guessing) the majority of card for the dd. dh has gone to work, put in the man hours to progress in said job and should by now be able to relax a little and enjoy the fruits of his labour. The op has said herself her dh is the but of Facebook jokes regarding his commitment to his job.

There is more to this than meets the eye - my guess is the dh likes his life just the way it us and does not want his boat rocked.

[Joysmum]

Thanks everyone for your input.

This is the 4th day of DH's holiday and he's stepping up. I've got loads of study done. He's taken DD out for the day and he's been doing everything except the laundry and animals (which are my pleasure in life

I just have a few points:

I asked DH about the accelerated learning. I'd done it for 8 weeks to pass the first level so DH knew what was involved for me to do it for the second. I should be done by October so this is short term.

12 hours of normal chores (minus BTL's) equates to 6 hours each, or about 50mins a day, hardly excessive! I've also been doing all the chores that need doing daily and leaving DH the stuff that can be fitted in as an when he has time. If he does only 30 mins on a week day, that only leaves 3 hours over the weekend.

We can outsource the ironing and get a tumble drier which will save us 45mins each, or about 6-7 mins a day! I won't miss a chore I hate so any excuse to that is a good excuse as far as I'm concerned. Thank you to everyone who suggested it.

I am working from home and working towards a qualification to allow my to work from home so I can be flexible around DD's clubs. I'll also have no commuting time to factor in and this saves a lot of time. I'm only comparing my hours to DH's hours and asking that he do as I always have which is to complete the ratio of home chores based on hours and intensity of our work.

DD already does more than most her age and often more than DH!

DD will also not be required to give up any of her clubs so no time can be saved by expecting her to give up anything.

I will not be giving up the BTL's as they are the only things that I've been contributing towards the family finances. They are my work but not enough work for me to consider myself continuously a WAHM over the years. If I give them up, I'll only need to work another way to make up for that additional cost to make somebody else a profit. I can do it more cheaply and if I paid somebody else to manage then I'd not be saving much time any time anyway and would have to work longer hours to return a profit for somebody else.

As stated numerous times up thread, we won't be getting a cleaner. Neither of us want that. I have greater trust issues than DH (due to additional factors) but we have both been victims of the actions of people we trusted and knew personally in our home in the past. Therefore even without my extra issues, DH still doesn't want anyone else in.

As I said before, I'm pretty sure that he simply doesn't realise how much time and effort has to go into keeping things straight at home. The fact that I'm still studying like a demon whilst he has time off will give him the opportunity he needs to appreciate that for himself.

As I said in my OP, this was just a rant. I didn't expect to get helpful suggestions and I can't express how happy I am to offload the laundry, I loathe ironing

[Bustermqc]

OP you are obviously totally right tht things should
Be equal, your DH shouldn't work unpaid overtime etc. I
Don't think anyone is disputing that. But you are being a massive martyr here and also an over achiever. We're all
Guilty of it sometimes. I know I am.

I also suspect the whole cleaner thing is doesn't run any deeper than that you feel anxious about being burgled but that didn't shut people up so now you are just going with intimating that there is some other reason.

[Sparks1007]

Fluffapuss what a sexist remark. I'd much rather work than clean/do chores and I'm a woman. Some people do just like to work.

[MerryInthechelseahotel]

sparks maybe what she meant to say was "think like a selfish person"

[Joysmum]

There's nothing martyr-like about wanting a partner to commit 6 hours a week to the home [confussed]

And yes, there is more to not having a cleaner than a fear of burglary. Suffice to say it's not happening.

There's something horribly wrong with work life balance when a partner can't commit 6 hours a week to home but can be out of the house for 70 hours a week, much if which is unpaid, and way over the top of what compatible managers commit to the company. This never used to be a problem when I did everything at home because we probably still got more quality family time than most families. That was only fair, I firmly believe that domestic chores should be split on a percentage according to hours and intensity each person works.

I believe I'm being fair. We just have to ride the transition period until we've both adjusted to it. That's why I ranted, change isn't easy.

Fluffapuss I don't know about 'thinking like a male' but I can think like my DH and know that whatever else there is ultimately going on, your belief ignores the fact that those in basically good marriages that are going through tough times, actually might have men in them that want to make their wives happy, and that this is far more important than a dislike of chores. I have one of the good guys and as my rant said, I'm just waiting for things to dawn on him. He's a good bloke, I rather he had the chance for this to happen than for me to get all heavy on him. Part of his job involves assessing workload and divvying up accordingly, with him being off for 2 weeks whilst I continue to work it the perfect opportunity to find out for himself exactly what is needed. That seems to be what's happening so far. Not all men are incapable shits!