Family adjusting to SAHM returning to work

[Joysmum]

Being a SAHM suited me and our family. I missed out on my mum when I was growing up due to her long hours. My extended family have benefitted too as my MIL was seriously debilitated by a serious heart attack at a young age and then died 7 months later, followed by my FIL being diagnosed with dementia which ended his life 2 months ago. The trouble came some years ago when I decided I wanted a career of my own.

DH has been able to build a good career for himself because he could concentrate on doing that with no responsibilities or regular hours to keep at home. Him fulfilling his career aspirations gave good rewards.

He used to say he was doing all the long, unpredictable, unpaid hours for us...that was until last year when I asked him if he honestly believed if he didn't have us he'd be less committed to his job and work less? Mumsnet made me see the truth, before that I felt I ought to be grateful, that feeling resentful of being trapped in a life I didn't want was ungrateful. Of course then dawned on him I was right and those declarations stopped. He loves his job, it pays well, and makes him feel like he's achieved in life. He'd always said if I wanted him to change jobs he would, he knows I would never call his bluff.

Now, I want to work, I want a career of my own. I'm pushing hard and fast to accelerate the time it takes to get qualified, I'm actually working longer hours than him. Despite his assurances that he'd step up with the household responsibilities, he hasn't. It's not because of anything sinister, he just genuinely believed the amount of household responsibility he'd taken on since I started studying was actually more than half.

Things came to a head as I asked him to consider the hours he spent last week doing chores, and what hadn't been done in that time and how long those things would have taken (that's even ignoring the occasional chores like windows and cupboards) it's suddenly dawned on him that what he's been doing is not enough.

This week has been dreadful, he's been so down as his job has required long hours and he realises what a struggle it will be to continue being as committed at work as he has been and take up even just half the household responsibilities (although by rights he ought to be doing more given I'm doing more hours than him). This will also cut out any quality family time together like we were used to at weekends because that's when he'll need to do much of his share of chores.

We're now at that stage where it's got to dawn on him that he can't cope, that the only way to fit it all in is to either lose our quality family time, or for him to cut back on his unpaid additional hours. This of course means he's got to really face up to the fact that his excessive commitment to work really is for him, that we've just benefitted from what he wanted to do anyway. What affect this would cutting back have on his current job and continued career development?

I'm now wondering if the answer is for me to continue to put him first and just work part time from home when I'm qualified so I can do the majority of the chores, he remains flexible in his availability at work and we still get quality family time to play hard. A cleaner isn't an option. There's no reason financially for me to work, it's something I want to do. I never thought I'd be a SAHM, I always thought I'd have a good career.

He's really struggling emotionally this week (with the realisation of just how much his commitment to his career has impacted on my life and will continue to need) and I'm torn between feeling vindicated in my feelings (resentment, but then feeling selfish because of being judged 'lucky' by others who don't understand how much of myself I've given up, or the enrichment it's added to DH's life) and in worrying about the impact on our lives of me expecting him to take on at least half the responsibilities at home.

I'll also admit, I have a massive chip on my shoulder from social attitudes that I'm living off my husband, am not setting a good example to my DD and how 'lucky' I am being a SAHM. Ive resented it, don't feel fulfilled, feel trapped and have done for years. I'm a people pleaser though. I guess being stung by the attitudes of others and that resentment has made me want to aim for a well respected career so I can prove to myself, and others, that I'm very capable and can be a success and who has the self respect to not live off her husband! A well respected career that i enjoy and could do from home part time would fit in with my need to achieve, with his career aspirations and still allow for quality family time.

Mind you, I'll admit there's the petulant child side of me that wants him to find this hard, wants him and the world to truly appreciate how much of myself I've given up over the years, to value my input over the years. Him having to do the same now and compromise (although not give up) on his wants, will show the wider world the effects of him having to adjust and see how me compromising on my wants over the years has allowed our family to have a better quality of life.

It's just a rant really

[Chiana]

KayKay, I don't disagree with everything you say, but I have to say if someone told me to get rid of my animals, it would put my back up. We have 3 pampered cats, and they're part of the family. Now, I understand OP keeps chickens, which may mean there's a whole different level of emotional involvement (I don't know, I've never kept chickens), so maybe getting rid of them would be a good solution. But i'm just saying if I were the OP, I would bristle at anybody telling me to reduce my workload by getting rid of my pets.

[mamalino]

What does your DH think about getting a cleaner?

You sound a bit like a petulant child demanding "my turn!"... Like a PP said, it's as though you want to punish your DH instead of just making adjustments like the majority of working families do when circumstances change.

[notinagreatplace]

I don't think there's anything petulant about demanding "your turn" - the reason why women seem to always end up in this situations where they sacrifice their careers indefinitely is because they don't ask for what they want because somehow it gets viewed negatively.

I think you and your DH (and potentially a counsellor) need to discuss everything - your job, his job, your home and DD, your other commitments - and nothing should be off the table. It shouldn't be about what you can do to fit around his career, if necessary, he can and should look at what he can do to fit around yours.

[Joysmum]

I reckon atm, with things a little more intense, everything needed equates to probably about 16 hours.

When I'm not investing or having work done on our home, I reckon required time would be 12 hours max, so 6 hours each per week over 7 days. It's not a lot when you think of it like that.

6 hours when he only has half a morning and the rest or the day to fit it into doesn't leave a lot for his leisure time, or us getting time out as a family so unless he cuts back either I'm doing it all or we have no leisure time (as I said in my OP)

6 hours for me when I'll be saving at least that on commuting time by working from home certainly doesn't mean I'm doing too much and I'm the one who needs to trim back! I'm not the problem.

I started studying in March. We had 6 weeks out of that time where I didn't expect anything of him due to the imminent and then subsequent passing of my FIL. he's had a long time to realise what needs doing and organise himself. It's very frustrating that evaluating and allocating workload firms part of his job yet he can't do it at home! I can't disclose his job, as it's specialist. I will just say that he's a regional manager and that others in his company in comparative positions don't do anywhere close to the long hours he does. He's the butt of May a joke on Facebook for his commitment to the company. He does it because he loves it and is ambitious. We don't need the money.

I have the right to want some balance in our lives and if this is to be fair, only he can address that. I'd rather he saw it for himself. If I need to do a spreadsheet and produce a forecast then I will! I'd rather give him a bit longer for the penny to drop.

[Joysmum]

mamalino a cleaner is not an option, we both agree on that.

Besides, if you look back through the breakdown I wrote of tasks, there's very little a cleaner can save us to make the anxiety worthwhile.

[notinagreatplace]

Chunderella - there's also option 4, which is the DH making a career sacrifice and working part-time or changing careers...

I suspect that he might actually find that easier than cutting down his hours while staying in the same job - he's clearly got used to working these hours and a clean break and move to a different job or official part-time hours might be what he needs.

[TheWordFactory]

Op what would happen if your DH cut his hours? Would his job still be secure? Promotion prospects intact?

[Cakebaker35]

I think we can say the op's dh should be cutting down on hours as she's stated no one else of his position at the company does the hours and he's the butt of jokes about it. Op, unfortunately I don't think the penny will drop for him. He might love it and be ambitious, but I'm sure he loves his family too and needs to be reminded they need him too. I found myself working ridiculous hours a few years ago and it did take a word from a few close people to break the cycle and make me see I could still be good at it/ ambitious without the crazy hours that were affecting my relationships.

Only other comment is about your issues of having help in the house - I know you won't go into details on this but I'd really recommend some counselling if you're at the point where you can't have any form of help in the house due to trust issues. That's not very healthy for you or your family as there are always jobs sometimes that need some external help.

Finally, your btls / investments are in fact a job in themselves I'd say so I wouldn't describe you as a sahm, more a wahm, and you're essentially trying to add another job to the load. If you really want to then I wish you like, but think it's important to see what you are already doing as work, never mind all the house stuff.

[Pastperfect]

I'm interested in this idea that he could just cut his hours and then all would be ok.

This just isn't how the majority of senior professional roles work so if you want home to work less hours the reality is that you are asking him to make a fundamenal and drastic change to his working life.

You need to find somewhere to compromise. Together

[notinagreatplace]

Even if it were the case that it would damage the DH's career to drop some of the unpaid hours, that still shouldn't mean that the OP's career has to continue to take the hit! Why shouldn't the DH's career take a backseat for a while?

[TheBogQueen]

I'm a bit confused.

DP and I work ft. We have three children. We do not have a cleaner.

We do seem to find time for days out with the children and evening activities.

Most daily housework is just washing up, wiping surfaces in bathroom and kitchen, putting on washing/drier.

Hoovering and washing floors/gen tidying on sat morning.

That's it.

Maybe I have lower standards

[notinagreatplace]

At the moment, the reality is that the OP has done all of the compromising for many years. I don't see that there's anything wrong with her DH making fundamental and drastic changes to his working life - the OP has done so in the past and is still considering something drastically different (part-time) to what she wants to do (full-time). Of course, it should all be discussed properly between them and they should consider outsourcing where appropriate but I don't think the DH's career should be considered sacrosanct but the OP's infinitely flexible.

[TheBogQueen]

Well why not just get on with job and hang the housework?

[Joysmum]

cakebaker35 thank you for understanding. At times I've been a WAHM although most of the time the house really do tick over without issue to justify that title. It was certainly true when I renovated each if then as I did the majority of work myself.

You're right, there really is no need for a carer change for him, as I said, on Facebook he gets the piss taken out of him by compatible level colleagues for the hours he does. He is just ambitious and in a job he loves. It's his job as well as his hobby of choice!

I don't feel 6 hours spread over 7 days is a lot to ask him to devote to DD and home life.

It may be time to crank up excel and produce him a report he can see it laid out in black and white if needs be. Who's for a pivot chart

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. To those I don't agree with, your opinions are welcome but if they are based on unfounded assumptions then your advice isn't relevant. Nothing personal, it can't be because none of us know each other. Even so, I've really appreciated the posts of those who disagree based on what they've read, there's nothing like having to think through responses to justify yourself to really make you solidify your own thoughts.

Have a fab weekend all

[PisforPeter]

watching

[NormHonal]

I haven't read the thread yet, only your OP...but, wow, it resonated with me so much.

I'm going to come back and read and digest this later.

[Joysmum]

Just to add, he's the most amazing man. I love him very very much and I know he loves me just as much and it's so amazing to be that sure when many struggle. He's been so patient with me due to my previous issues which have improved over the years. That's why I've always tried to please, put him first over the years. I just need a bit of the same for me now. Anything else I earn will be a bonus but I think when you have a partner who likes to work every hour they can, you can't help feeling lazy and inferior in comparison, especially if you are being told it's all for you! I don't want to feel lazy and inferior.

I've said it before but if I'd posted about the the trials and tribulations in our marriage before, we'd each have been told to give up years ago! Truth is, life is good, aspects are poor, same as any marriage.

I've not name changed. I'm sure some bored members may have already gone digging

[DistanceCall]

Why are most people focussing once again on what more I can do rather than seeing that this is something he can solve. That's the way it's been for the past 13 years, I'm the one who has compromised on my life.

Because, honestly, he's unlikely to want to compromise on his life now. It may be unfair, but if there was no previous agreement, there really is no reason for him to change the way he does things, particularly if he enjoys it.

He's not writing here. You are.

[Joysmum]

Because, honestly, he's unlikely to want to compromise on his life now. It may be unfair, but if there was no previous agreement, there really is no reason for him to change the way he does things, particularly if he enjoys it

Of course there is. You're assuming that even if the penny doesn't drop and I produce my report very tongue in cheek he won't want to put me first. I believe he will because he loves me and I don't often ask for much.

[DistanceCall]

Good for you. Then what is your question?

[DistanceCall]

Sorry, just re-read your original post. It's just a rant.