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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can this ever get better?

70 replies

ArethaFranklinstights · 15/08/2014 09:29

Please be gentle, am feeling very raw. Sad

Been with DH for 12 years and married for 10. 3 kids under 4, I'm a SAHM. Nice lifestyle, no money worries. Absolutely crap sex life. He never (and I mean never) initiates it. For him it's a chore he'd rather not bother with. We have sex maybe 4 times a year, always when I've thrown a fit about it. We sleep separately, he smokes and snores.
I've ignored my sexuality for so long I'd started to believe it doesn't matter. But then something happened and I've realised it does.
DH says for him sex is a really emotional intimate thing whereas my approach is much more recreational. Somehow I just don't seem to do it for him and then he loses his erection and gets angry, usually at me. He thinks he knows how frustrated I am but he's no idea how much this is making me climb the walls.
I decided to do everything I could to try and make it right but he couldn't get hard. He really would rather just not bother.
He came in last night and said he'd taken a Viagra (he bought some off the internet at my insistence) and expected me to be thrilled and I pointed out that I'd rather not have sex with someone who thinks they're doing me a favour by shaggjng me.
He's been to the doc about it (after the last time I insisted) and the doc wouldn't prescribe anything as he told her that he didn't have any erection/performance issues when he was on his own.
I tearfully told him last night that I couldn't go on like this, and I didn't know how to fix it or if it could be fixed even. He tells me he loves me, we both adore the children and if we could get this sorted I think we would be fine.
This has gone on for so long, years and years even before we had the kids, so it's not that. I don't want to sound big headed but I'm in good shape and I don't think it's as simple as a straight attractiveness thing.
I really want this to work, but honestly can it?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/08/2014 16:02

splitting up the family "just for sex"
But you've listed a whole host of other things as well.
This isn't working for either of you.
You are both unhappy and miserable.
That's no way to live.

Take sex totally out of the equation.
Are you happy to live like this for the foreseeable future?
You children are young.
I left home at 26 - that's another 20+ years of this.
Are prepared for that?

Original poster
ArethaFranklinstights · 15/08/2014 16:17

No I can't go on like this. It's like a switch has been flicked.

But I really don't want us to split up and yet I don't know what I'd need him to do to keep us together.

I don't want to be a single mum. Our families are v religious, the circles we move in are very "churchy" and I'm fairly sure most of that would go.
Too good to leave, to bad to stay.

My heart is breaking.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/08/2014 16:20

The one thing he really likes to do to get going is a massive turn off for me.

I'm not going to ask what that is but the fact he knows it is not something you're up for seems to be convenient.

Original poster
ArethaFranklinstights · 15/08/2014 16:20

The elephant in the room - yes.

But what can I do??? He conveniently negates the effects of the injury because day to day I'm ok and you'd never know. He doesn't look at the degeneration that's taking place. (Spinal injury)

To an outsider it looks like he's the v successful businessman and I'm his kept wife when actually I bring in two thirds of what he does.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 15/08/2014 16:21

Maybe you both just need time apart to realise what you both want, it's hard to work things out when you are in the thick of it, putting that space between you can be very relieving and helpful.

Who cares what others think, they are not in your shoes.

I don't think anyone wants to be a single mother, I'd rather be a happy single mum than a miserable resentful married woman.

Original poster
ArethaFranklinstights · 15/08/2014 16:22

Donkeys, the thing isn't anything weird really. But that's ALL he wants. No foreplay, straight to second base. I wouldn't mind if it was as a part if a greater menu but not the only thing on offer and it gets my back up straightaway when he always starts at the same point.
Fuck I'm fed up.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArethaFranklinstights · 15/08/2014 16:23

"Maybe you both just need time apart to realise what you both want, it's hard to work things out when you are in the thick of it, putting that space between you can be very relieving and helpful."

I think so. Or even time together without the kids which we have NEVER been able to do.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 15/08/2014 16:25

No I reckon time apart from each other will help you think better, you are so angry and resentful right now I don't see how you would actually talk effectively.

You seem more determined to stay in a miserable relationship for appearances sake than to actually look at having a happier existence without him, he doesn't even sound very nice as a person.

Just think if you live apart you will get that space when he has them and you can go out and meet a like minded person that actually wants to get intimate with you and in a way that suits you, and not just his needs.

Original poster
ArethaFranklinstights · 15/08/2014 16:25

You know, I really really appreciate your listening to me about this. I've hardly talked to anyone about it, I'm busy maintaining my sickly Boden middle-England shiny Dave voter persona. Sad

OP posts:
indiaaah · 15/08/2014 16:27

Let's just say"a friend of mine" went through something similar and ended up throwing him out after finding out he was actually gay. I hope this isn't the case for you. U sound like you will be ok either outcome xxx

Jan45 · 15/08/2014 16:28

Aaaw poor you, honestly you might be able to work it out but not whilst living together, it will be brushed under the carpet like all the other times and you will be back on here next month.

Give yourselves that space, if you are meant to work it out you will.

I'd also be wondering what the heck he is doing for sexual gratification.

Original poster
ArethaFranklinstights · 15/08/2014 16:29

Jan45 he is nice. He's a nice bloke and a good father and we've run aground somewhere. We live very separately now - separate rooms, he goes to work before we all get up, comes home and puts the kids to bed and then goes out about 4 nights a week, I go out twice a week and we try and get out once a week together.
So it's very separate really. That said, there's the opportunity to live separately for a month or so coming up. We own a second house which us rented and the tenants have given notice so one of us could move back there. He'll fight like mad though and refuse, I strongly suspect.

OP posts:
freyaW2014 · 15/08/2014 16:30

I think it's ok to see sex as an emotional intimate thing and I think what he's getting at is the lack of intimacy isn't helping him get hard. Maybe he wants the relationship to be better, maybe the passion has gone.

I think that he's tried viagra he's probably trying to please you, although I understand your response I feel sorry for him a bit!

He's also been to the docs. He definitely wants the marriage to work just doesn't know how I think!

Original poster
ArethaFranklinstights · 15/08/2014 16:31

Indiahh he's not gay. Honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArethaFranklinstights · 15/08/2014 16:32

Freya there's no passion whatsoever. I just don't do it for him. Or he's so scared of failure he switches off. I feel sad for him but the years of rejection are suddenly taking their toll.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArethaFranklinstights · 15/08/2014 16:34

"out but not whilst living together, it will be brushed under the carpet like all the other times and you will be back on here next month."

I think you're right. I find it hard to stay in a mood about something and then we have to communicate about the children, who are lovely and funny, and the next thing it's like That problem has gone away again. He just tries to get me to act normal and nothing changes.

OP posts:
freyaW2014 · 15/08/2014 16:34

But does he love you? Can you not get through this? Go for counseling?

Jan45 · 15/08/2014 16:35

Why is he out 4 nights a week when he has a wife and 3 kids, if he wants it to work it would help if he stayed home and tried to sort it - you both go out once a week, that's a lot for most families, so I don't quite get how you can't get time to talk.

Maybe he doesn't realise yet how much this is affecting you mentally, you may have to really spell it out, how long before your head is turned?

If he sees sex as an emotional intimate thing, which it is, he's essentially saying he feels no emotion or desire to be intimate with you, he can't honestly think that that is A ok.

LineRunner · 15/08/2014 16:36

What is 2nd base?

Original poster
ArethaFranklinstights · 15/08/2014 16:39

"If he sees sex as an emotional intimate thing, which it is, he's essentially saying he feels no emotion or desire to be intimate with you, he can't honestly think that that is A ok."

This is what he said and I flipped my lid and said it was clear that he didn't love me, or wasn't in love with me. He said that was bollocks and he's just tired etc etc
I told him last night that I didn't think I could make this right. Ordinarily he would have called a couple of times today from work but I've heard nothing.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 15/08/2014 16:41

Maybe you two have run your course...?

Would you be together if it wasn't for the kids, be honest, there's your answer.

Original poster
ArethaFranklinstights · 15/08/2014 16:42

"Why is he out 4 nights a week when he has a wife and 3 kids, if he wants it to work it would help if he stayed home and tried to sort it - you both go out once a week, that's a lot for most families, so I don't quite get how you can't get time to talk."

He walks down to the pub for some headspace. I open a bottle of wine. We've become like magnets repelling.
We have a nice time when we go out but we never get anywhere with dealing with it, to the point that we both refer to it as The Thing!

How long till my head is turned? I'd hope never but I recognise we're both awfully vulnerable.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArethaFranklinstights · 15/08/2014 16:44

"Maybe you two have run your course...?

Would you be together if it wasn't for the kids, be honest, there's your answer."

No way. But then we wouldn't have been through the shit we have if it wasn't for the kids. (Very tough delivery, PND, one with special needs, another with a chronic illness.) We're quite battle weary.
Our friends say all the time "I don't know how you two are still together." But it's cos it's harder to leave.

OP posts:
cdwales · 15/08/2014 16:48

The Relate approach might be useful here. Try and get an appointment if you can. They would say totally ignore the sex aspect for now and let's rediscover each other and work on the relationship. It is a road to discovery and communication and really needs to be facilitated by a trained counsellor. It could, in time, transform your relationship - or enable you to decide what is best whilst remaining good friends and parents. All the very best! Smile

Jan45 · 15/08/2014 16:49

Well you are going to have to confront the elephant in the room. 4 nights a week headspace is quite a lot for a family person, you sure you know exactly where he is on these nights out?

Everyone thinks leaving is harder than what it actually is when you do it.