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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fiancé really upset me again, suddenly turning on me

103 replies

MaiThai · 15/08/2014 03:05

Yesterday we'd had a great day, we 're on hols and had been to visit an island by boat, swam in the sea, snorkelled, kayaked and finished with a lovely Indian meal last night. All day we'd been holding hands, kissing, cuddling, complimenting each other and just been very romantic with the odd insinuation that we would go back to hotel early in order to spend 'time alone'. On the way back to hotel he'd had a few drinks and started trying to force conversation on a young couple who blatantly just wanted to not talk. Asking how long they'd been here, what trips they'd done, where you from etc etc ... Funny thing about it was that he'd done the exact same thing (with the same questions!!) to the same couple the night before. The woman said quite frustrated "you saw us in the same bus yesterday". He wasn't having any of it, continued to force conversation on them so I let him get on with it whilst I sat quiet enjoying the view. This poor couple happened to be staying at same hotel so when we got out dp walked off declaring "that couple are fucking weird, they just sit there not wanting to talk!". I had a feeling they were walking right behind us so I asked him to keep it quiet until we got back to our room. Once inside I laughed along about it, said how funny it was that the woman said he'd seen them the night before and he laughed along with me. Then ... He started saying "oh well, I couldn't be like you ... " oooo I'm too clever for this conversation so I'll just sit back and judge everyone!" I was a bit bemused, still trying to keep it light hearted I asked "how is that me? I'm not like that" so he continued "ooo I couldn't possibly speak to anyone as I'm too nervous!" That one stung a bit as he knows I'm recovering from social anxiety so seeing the direction of the conversation I said "ok come on, let's not get personal. Give us a hug?" With a smile. He pulled back, said "fuck off, you've been ripping the piss out of me all night, if you want a bloke that just sits quiet and doesn't talk like you then maybe you should go and find someone else. You've ruined my night and I feel shit now because of you".

Firstly I wasn't ripping the piss and never do, id spent the night complimenting him on how handsome he looked and what a gentleman he had been on our trip. He on the other hand had taken a photo of my slightly spilt drink and sent it to mutual friends on Facebook. He often rips the piss out of me and I just take it. Yes sometimes I do it to him but only when it's a mutual Micky taking thing. Secondly he often tells me to go and "find someone else" so I'm starting to wonder if he actually wants me to and thirdly I've noticed he has a habit of deciding I've "ruined his day/night" when he decides to start.

I tried a number of times to hug him, talk to him etc but he carried on saying I was out of order and refused to hug me. In the end I went to bed. He then stood at the foot of the bed saying "do you hate me? Do you want to stab me in the head? Was that the worse meal ever? Was it a shit evening?". At one point I was almost reduced to tears thinking about the day we'd had and how it had ended. Why does he do it? He won't apologise, the whole thing will be my fault and he'll continue to "punish me" for it by stonewalling for some time. It's so draining. He doesn't care that I get upset. Nothing I do or say will make him see sense. He wasn't that drunk either, I'd say 3 pints max.

OP posts:
Nulliferous · 15/08/2014 08:36

Oh Serenity don't be so disingenuous with your 'faux pas'. He didn't use the wrong fish fork. He behaved boorishly to the other couple and like a bullying twat to the OP, who it seems has spent FAR too long caring about his (imaginary) hurt feelings and none at all caring about her own.

TheLastThneed · 15/08/2014 08:38

Cogito, I knew someone who fits your description to-the-word. Luckily he is out of our lives now. Unfortunately, he is probably making somebody else suffer.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/08/2014 08:39

The word in the thread title that should have you running for the hills OP is 'again'. You've cycled through this process before many times. You even finish by predicting how the behaviour will play out... it'll be your fault, he'll punish you by stonewalling.

When you can describe the pattern of abuse you're already being abused. Please reject this person.

Preciousbane · 15/08/2014 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ouryve · 15/08/2014 08:44

Nice bit of minimising, Serenity.

Or do you make a habit of forcing your company on other people, whether they want it or not, and then having a go at your partner for not wanting to join in, using highly emotive and manipulative language? It would only be no big deal to someone who thought that it was an acceptable way to treat people.

Ripetomato · 15/08/2014 08:46

End the relationship when you get home if you have the strength to do so. Honestly you could've have been me writing this a year or so ago, the EXACT same behaviour and even the EXACT same words. In fact it sounds like the same man!. I had 4 years of it and in the end didn't know if I was coming or going. He will have you believeing everything is your fault and they get worse and worse. Get out now because the good bits become fewer and further between and they end up treating you with utter contempt, vile people

I am so happy now I'm out of that

ThatBloodyWoman · 15/08/2014 08:51

Take the chance so many of us wish we had, op.

Some if us spent years in situations like this, getting worse and worse, losing yourself more.

Ask any if us if we didn't regret getting out right at the beginning, and you would get a resounding 'yes'.

BerylStreep · 15/08/2014 08:51

Completely emotionally abusive bully.

The whole 'go find someone else' is him saying 'this is me, you've been warned', and if you marry him, he will cast up every time that you knew what he was like before you married him.

Does he drink a lot? You say 3 pints max, but was he knocking back shorts when you weren't aware?

Out of interest, how long have you been together? Do you live together? When are you due to get married? How old are you both?

I must say, I don't really like the 'mutual mickey taking' vibe that some people have. IMO it is usually a dynamic where one person deliberately hurts the other, and then says 'I was only joking!'

I would move to another hotel for the remainder of the stay (sod the money) and dump him as soon as you are home.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/08/2014 08:52

"Nothing I do or say will make him see sense"

What do you do? What do you say? Does the punishment and stonewalling mean one of those anxious conversations where you try to reassure him of your love and affection and he rejects you? Do you find yourself modifying your behaviour in order to avoid a repeat performance? Have you spent time wondering if he is depressed, stressed, had a bad childhood or making other excuses for his behaviour?

If he gets what he wants behaving this way then it makes sense to him.

Whocansay · 15/08/2014 08:53

He made a fool of himself and tried to blame you.

You try to avoid a fight and he follows you to bed with his bile.

You say he will now stonewall you.

Why on earth would you put up with this, let alone consider marrying this boorish arse?

LividofLondon · 15/08/2014 08:55

He has issues, whatever they are, so don't marry him until they've been addressed and sorted. If he's a bully he's not fixable, but if it's low self esteem turning him into a dick because he also can't articulate his feelings then there is a chance to rectify this perhaps.

My random thoughts...
How often is he like that and is it when he's been drinking or also when he's sober? I'm wondering why he couldn't remember speaking to that couple the night before.
Have you discussed this behaviour to try and get to the bottom of it when the two of you are happy?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/08/2014 09:01

If it turns out he is an insecure, inarticulate dick.... still more reasons not to get saddled, surely?

Nulliferous · 15/08/2014 09:02

if it's low self esteem turning him into a dick because he also can't articulate his feelings then there is a chance to rectify this perhaps.

Yeah, fixable by him taking responsibility and sorting himself out with the aid of appropriate professionals. It's not the OP's job to 'fix' him.

Frankly, I'd have dumped him for his crass behaviour to the other couple. Life's too short to tiptoe round these arses, really.

kaykayblue · 15/08/2014 09:04

jesus, he sounds like a horrible piece of shit. sorry - but the hours he spends being nice does not justify the time he spends blaming you for him having a shit evening, despite the fact that it's HIM making a prat of himself.

Nor does it justify the fact that he clearly feels entitled to people's attention for no reason whatsoever - hence him trying to force conversation on the young couple all night. because in his head, it's inconceivable that someone wouldn't want to talk to him. How fucking arrogant can you get?

He feels shit because of you? why exactly? Because you dared to behave differently to him? Because he was being a total knob end and you didn't smile sweetly and laugh at how amazing he is?

No-one should be engaged to someone who stands at the end of the bed and throws out really quite aggressive questions at their partner. and certainly not someone who repeatedly says that you should "go and find someone else".

It really isn't worth marrying someone who is wonderful when they are in a good mood, and worse than that, makes you personally responsible for them being in a good mood. In fact I would go so far as to say that it's very unhealthy.

Can you postpone the wedding until you've had more time to think about this? Cite financial reasons if you like.

sebsmummy1 · 15/08/2014 09:29

I've just reread the original post and realised there was some real similarities between the dialogue of the OP's fiancée when he was standing at the foot of the bed, and an account of a rape victim that I watched two nights ago. In the program she was describing the warped conversation they were having after he had abused her and it too smacked of an inferiority complex, blaming someone else for bad behaviour, bizarre questions.

I'm not suggesting he is a rapist but I do think his dialogue and behaviour has abusive characteristics and you would be unwise to ignore. Also it's telling that you talk about your own anxiety issues. I wonder how confident you are and whether you feel that he offers you security and the thought of being out of a relationship scares you. He knows your Achilles heel and it seems that he has no problem using your insecurities against you.

People in loving relationships don't do that in my experience. They may have disagreements but they know what are the really sensitive subjects and leave them alone as they care about hurting their partner. He seems to think everything is fair game and I'm sure this will only get more painful as time goes on.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/08/2014 09:30

Sorry OP.
This must be hard to read.
But everyone is right.
This is abuse pure and simple.
Please do not marry this man.
He will continue to make your life a misery.
And life is way too short to put up with this shite!

Don't back down this time. If he stonewalls you all day, so be it.
You go off and do your own thing.
Please do not grovel to him on this occasion or any other occasion.

He has told you who he is - please listen!

I really hope you manage to get out of this awful relationship. You won't regret it for a minute.

When you get home, please sign up to do the Freedom Programme on line, or if there is a course you can attend locally then even better.

There are so many red flags in your post.
Get out and LTB ASAP.

Do you live together?
Mortgage together or rent?

Inertia · 15/08/2014 09:42

This must be hard to read Maithai but everyone is right.

This man is an abusive bully, he's done it before, the situation will never improve and has every chance of escalating into something much more damaging. Get out while you can.

MorrisZapp · 15/08/2014 09:46

Yes, you need a coping strategy right now. Looking back on my aggressively moody ex, I can see I should have smiled sweetly, said 'ok, looks like you need time on your own' and gone off and entertained myself.

I never did though. I stuck around, desperately trying to cheer him up again. Oh for a time machine.

wyrdyBird · 15/08/2014 10:23

This is likely to carry on or get worse. But I think you know that. :(

AllHailTheBigPurpleOne · 15/08/2014 10:56

Do. Not. Marry. This. Man.
He is showing you his true colours. He will blame you for everything. He will belittle you. He will chip away at every ounce of self esteem you have.

He will use you as his emotional punchbag.

I'm sure he can be lovely, because being nice to you justifies in his mind being nasty.
Do not spend the next 50 years tip toeing around him never knowing what will set him off that you will bear the brunt of.

It's not you its him.

He won't change.

You can do better.

BlackDaisies · 15/08/2014 11:01

The worry is that you will feel stuck in it, and there will be a huge motivation for you to stay there. (He's lovely lots of the time, you are planning for a wedding, your life feels wrapped up in his, you hate the thought of being alone and starting again.)

I know that I wouldn't have listened to good advice when my abusive relationship was beginning.

All I can do though is echo what people are saying. Get out now, before your personality is sapped away. Even your response now is all about appeasing him, humouring him, pretending to agree that his behaviour towards the other couple was amusing and normal rather than feel able to say he should have left them alone. Get out before you have children and a mortgage and joint finances. Getting out then is a thousand times harder.

You can meet someone lovely who will treat you and children you may have with love and respect. By deciding you are worth more and feeling proud of that you are more likely to attract happy people into your life. You really can have the lovely, affectionate days without the aggressive rows and the put downs.

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2014 12:14

He's horrible. He clearly feels comfortable treating you badly and he's unlikely to change.

Please get the strength to walk away.

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2014 12:15

id spent the night complimenting him on how handsome he looked and what a gentleman he had been on our trip.

His ego needs a lot of stroking, does it?

Please, there is no happiness here for you.

Joysmum · 15/08/2014 12:25

As always, the litmus paper test is whether he treats any one like this or whether it's just reserved for you?

Personally, I can't imagine anyone who loves someone more than they love themself behaving in this way.

Dirtybadger · 15/08/2014 12:30

Don't marry this man. He sounds fucking odd (and abusive). It's not normal to ask someone if they want to stab you in the head (strange language to use).
LTB but have your wits about you because I don't think he sounds like someone to respect your feelings (that you want to leave).

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