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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fiancé really upset me again, suddenly turning on me

103 replies

MaiThai · 15/08/2014 03:05

Yesterday we'd had a great day, we 're on hols and had been to visit an island by boat, swam in the sea, snorkelled, kayaked and finished with a lovely Indian meal last night. All day we'd been holding hands, kissing, cuddling, complimenting each other and just been very romantic with the odd insinuation that we would go back to hotel early in order to spend 'time alone'. On the way back to hotel he'd had a few drinks and started trying to force conversation on a young couple who blatantly just wanted to not talk. Asking how long they'd been here, what trips they'd done, where you from etc etc ... Funny thing about it was that he'd done the exact same thing (with the same questions!!) to the same couple the night before. The woman said quite frustrated "you saw us in the same bus yesterday". He wasn't having any of it, continued to force conversation on them so I let him get on with it whilst I sat quiet enjoying the view. This poor couple happened to be staying at same hotel so when we got out dp walked off declaring "that couple are fucking weird, they just sit there not wanting to talk!". I had a feeling they were walking right behind us so I asked him to keep it quiet until we got back to our room. Once inside I laughed along about it, said how funny it was that the woman said he'd seen them the night before and he laughed along with me. Then ... He started saying "oh well, I couldn't be like you ... " oooo I'm too clever for this conversation so I'll just sit back and judge everyone!" I was a bit bemused, still trying to keep it light hearted I asked "how is that me? I'm not like that" so he continued "ooo I couldn't possibly speak to anyone as I'm too nervous!" That one stung a bit as he knows I'm recovering from social anxiety so seeing the direction of the conversation I said "ok come on, let's not get personal. Give us a hug?" With a smile. He pulled back, said "fuck off, you've been ripping the piss out of me all night, if you want a bloke that just sits quiet and doesn't talk like you then maybe you should go and find someone else. You've ruined my night and I feel shit now because of you".

Firstly I wasn't ripping the piss and never do, id spent the night complimenting him on how handsome he looked and what a gentleman he had been on our trip. He on the other hand had taken a photo of my slightly spilt drink and sent it to mutual friends on Facebook. He often rips the piss out of me and I just take it. Yes sometimes I do it to him but only when it's a mutual Micky taking thing. Secondly he often tells me to go and "find someone else" so I'm starting to wonder if he actually wants me to and thirdly I've noticed he has a habit of deciding I've "ruined his day/night" when he decides to start.

I tried a number of times to hug him, talk to him etc but he carried on saying I was out of order and refused to hug me. In the end I went to bed. He then stood at the foot of the bed saying "do you hate me? Do you want to stab me in the head? Was that the worse meal ever? Was it a shit evening?". At one point I was almost reduced to tears thinking about the day we'd had and how it had ended. Why does he do it? He won't apologise, the whole thing will be my fault and he'll continue to "punish me" for it by stonewalling for some time. It's so draining. He doesn't care that I get upset. Nothing I do or say will make him see sense. He wasn't that drunk either, I'd say 3 pints max.

OP posts:
Iggly · 15/08/2014 07:24

Honestly.

You are better than this.
Once you're married it will get worse.
With kids, it will be even worse.

Then you'll think you can never find someone else, that you can change him etc.

You can't.

Leave. Honestly. Life is too short.

Moglimoo · 15/08/2014 07:32

Please get out of this abusive cycle when you get home from holiday. I could have written your post when I was engaged and I ignored it. The pattern will get worse when married then one hundred times worse again when you have children. You will find someone supportive and who appreciates you, but it isn't this man!

Deftones · 15/08/2014 07:33

He sounds absolutely terrible. Please rethink the relationship. You deserve better than this, and it really will just get worse. Sad

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/08/2014 07:34

Someone who picks fights over nothing is a miserable bully. He's either trying to get out of the relationship but is too cowardly to end it up front. Or he's trying to create insecurity/fear in you & get you into the submissive state of mind of 'how can I make him happy again?' 'how can I keep the relationship on the rails?'.... Either way it's disgusting behaviour.

Very revealing, I think, his attitude towards the couple that wanted to be left alone. 'Forcing' a conversation is intrusive, belligerent and it was totally unnecessary. I'm not sure if he has a drink problem or if he deliberately takes advantage of alcohol to allow the mask to slip. It's a good excuse isn't it? 'I didn't mean anything. Just joking. We'd all had a few beers. The couple weren't offended, just you. Where's your sense of humour?'

BTW the correct answer to 'was it a shit evening?' and 'do you want to stab me in the head?' is 'yes'.... followed by 'and when we get back home, I think you should move out'.

worldgonecrazy · 15/08/2014 07:45

Been there. It was always my fault, I was ruining nights out (by not behaving how he wanted me to behave but goalposts always moved), I wasn't normal, I was weird and therefore ruining his life, he only behaved like XXX because of me.

Then one day after 6 years of marriage I looked in the bathroom mirror, I'd been crying AGAIN because of how miserable his comments made me, and because no matter what I did it was never good enough. And I thought ENOUGH I can't go on like this.

Then I felt bad because I'd wasted 10 years.

But left and it was almost the best thing ever. The absolute best thing ever would have been to never have got married, to have walked away as soon as he started being emotionally abusive, but at that point I didn't know what emotional abuse was.

Please, I know it's hard, but just leave before you waste another day with this arsehole. As a wise mumsnetter once said "When somebody tells you who they are, believe them." He is telling you he is an EA arsehole - believe him.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 15/08/2014 08:03

Bin ASAP. That why they call those big black plastic bags on a roll, 'bin bags', so you can buy a roll, open them up, fill them with the tossers stuff and bin him.

karinmaria · 15/08/2014 08:08

He sounds awful. Echoing what other posters have said - this behaviour will only get worse when you are 'trapped' by marriage.

My ex was like this. After 5 years I was a shell of who I was before, my friends didn't recognise me and tried to tell me. Luckily my mum made me realise what was happening and I left, went on a long holiday with my parents and went totally no contact. Best thing I ever did.

Please listen to what he is telling you - he is beginning to be emotionally abusive and this will only escalate.

sebsmummy1 · 15/08/2014 08:13

OMG Cogito post is spot on, exactly the response he should have got.

This really does sound borderline abusive OP, read it back and see if this sounds like a man you want to be with for the rest of your life and be the father of your children. A holiday is a relaxing time where you enjoy each other's company and recharge your batteries. This sounds anything but.

More worryingly is if he reacts so badly in times of no stress what the hell is he going to be like during sleepless nights if you have children or high stress times such as illness or unemployment? Will he raise his fist to you or just ignore you as punishment? It really does sound like the very top of the iceberg and I can't see it improving over time.

Please get out.

ThatBloodyWoman · 15/08/2014 08:16

He's only your fiance.
Don't upgrade him to husband.
You've only got one life -please don't waste time with this tosser.

eddielizzard · 15/08/2014 08:17

this is as good as it gets with this guy. think carefully about what you want your life to be.

Serenitysutton · 15/08/2014 08:18

What came out of your post to me is that he was embarrassed, and probably humiliated, at the snub from
The other table. A lot of your subsequent conversation, if I'm honest, would be quite irritating to someone in that position (wry smile, give me a hug, I kept trying to hug him) yes he made a faux pas - if you have low self confidence being rejected like that when you're trying to make conversation would burn.

Then the situation escalates quickly
Because he's humiliated and takes it out on you and you irritate him more- not excusing him, it's an immature reaction and shows he doesn't have hold
Of his emotions. But many of us don't.
I don't think it's the end of the world although annoying that it ruined your night.

MorrisZapp · 15/08/2014 08:18

You don't have a hope of keeping this guy sweet. He will invent arguments like he did tonight, to keep you on the back foot. You won't be able to please him as he's unpleasable, and it suits his agenda very well to stay that way.

borisgudanov · 15/08/2014 08:21

I'd fuck off to the airport and go home. Then when he turned up he'd find his shit in bin bags in the driveway and his keys not working any more.

Twat.

RatherBeRiding · 15/08/2014 08:22

Scary to walk away when you've invested a lot in this relationship, agreed to get married, planned a whole future life-time together, and you think he is The One.

But, as other posters have said, how scary to wake up a few years in the future, maybe with DC, and realised you've wasted a good part of your life on an abuser and then plan how on earth to get out, start again, unravel your finances, you may have children to consider.......

Get out NOW while you can. You only have one life, really don't waste any more of it on this nasty emotional abuse because that is exactly what it is. I wonder what your friends and family think of him?

EverythingCounts · 15/08/2014 08:24

Agree that he is a bully who drinks more than he can handle and then uses that as an excuse for bad behaviour. Listen to what people are saying. Breaking off an engagement is far better than having to get divorced further down the line.

CarryOn90 · 15/08/2014 08:26

Please please do not marry him

Taking the piss out of you for being "nervous" when you suffer from social anxiety is disgusting.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/08/2014 08:30

It's far more than a 'faux pas' Serenitysutton. The situation has only escalated because he has engineered it that way. I've known bullies like this before. Chip on the shoulder, insecure, resentful, inhibitions lowered with a couple of drinks. It's like there's a point where they say to themselves 'you're looking far too happy for my liking!', a switch flicks, they pick a few holes, cause a bit of offence, bring down the mood and then they're on home ground - everyone pissed off and them the centre of attention in a totally fake shit-storm.

TheLastThneed · 15/08/2014 08:30

People like this don't change.

Just ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your like with someone who behaves like this and reduces you to tears.

ThatBloodyWoman · 15/08/2014 08:30

Soon you will start worrying about how you've acted with people and what you've said, and whether ge'll be annoyed wuth you.You'll seek his affirmation and approval in everything.You'll try to pour oil over troubled waters.You'll withdraw socially.

Its how it always starts.

Then its much harder to walk away.

This is your chance.Get on the wave while you can, and ride it out of there.

ThatBloodyWoman · 15/08/2014 08:31

Sorry, you'll withdraw socially.

Serenitysutton · 15/08/2014 08:31

Cogito- the faux pas referred to his situation trying to speak to the other couple.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/08/2014 08:32

Are You Dating An Abuser?

"There are obvious red flags to avoid in a prospective lover, such as angry, controlling, possessive, jealous, or violent behaviour" Worth reading the rest of the article.

MorrisZapp · 15/08/2014 08:33

Serenity, how would you have handled his 'faux pas'?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/08/2014 08:33

I don't even thing that was a faux pas Serenitysutton. I believe he knew the reaction he'd get and set out to cause embarrassment and create a scene. The object of the exercise was to make the OP feel uncomfortable... and it succeeded.

ouryve · 15/08/2014 08:34

Do not marry this man. This sort of behaviour will only escalate once he feels he owns you.

Clearly 3 pints is quite sufficient to reveal the real him, so it doesn't matter whether he had drunk a lot, or not.