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Original poster

Not telling his ex and children

51 replies

scoobydooagain · 14/08/2014 22:23

I have been with my BF for over a year and he has not told his ex or children that he is seeing someone. Divorce has not been started (they separated about 18months before we met) and his current account is still in joint names , he uses it as his sole current account but every now and again ex takes some money from it.
I feel like I am wasting my time here and more like his mistress rather than his girlfriend. Anyway not too sure why I am posting just getting increasingly fed up with the situation which has been highlighted by me doing him a favour last week - I lent him my car as his was off the road, to take his youngest children on a holiday, I walked, then took 2 trains to get to the holiday town, he picked me up from train station, drove to the camp site, he got out at entrance and I drove home (I needed my car back,this took me nearly 5 hours).
I didn't expect to see his daughters but the whole thing just made me feel upset and that he is always going to keep me as some (dirty) secret.

OP posts:
Original poster
scoobydooagain · 14/08/2014 23:25

Like that Charley, cheered me up, he's back tomorrow, have ignored his last few texts as don't know what to say to him at moment and also don't want to do anything by text/telephone (and when he is with his kids)

OP posts:
Tommy · 14/08/2014 23:28

to me it just sounds like he doesn't have much respect for you as a person - never mind his partner Sad
and his children are well old enough to accept that he may have a girlfriend.
Ask some questions!!

Original poster
scoobydooagain · 14/08/2014 23:32

I'm fed up with asking, I didn't mention it until June (after exams) as thought it was reasonable(ish) but a bit drama llama until then, but have brought it up a 2 or 3 times since then and I am not going to again, I need to decide what I am prepared to put up with and its increasingly looking like I am not, so decision will need to be made.

OP posts:
Chiana · 15/08/2014 03:18

Are you absolutely sure he and the ex are really separated? I hate to sound paranoid, but that's the first thought that flashed through my head.

When I was 24 I went out with an older man who was allegedly separated and going to start divorce proceedings soon. As it turned out, he was still with his wife and children, and wife had no idea he had a bit on the side. i.e. Me. The wife and kids lived in the country and he had a small flat in London he used during the week, but he was going home to play hubby every weekend with absolutely no intention of changing anything.

Even if the worst case scenario isn't true and he genuinely is separated, you're still being treated like a mistress rather than a girlfriend. If you really think the relationship can be salvaged, give him a set timeline (say, for example, 3 months. But that's just an example,d oesn't have to be 3 months) to initiate divorce proceedings and tell his DC you exist. If he doesn't come through, then he's just told you exactly how much he values this relationship. And then you walk.

You may end up meeting someone much nicer than this guy. 6 months after my experience as the unwitting "other woman" I met my DH, and we've been together for 12 years now.

Simplesusan · 15/08/2014 08:16

The other thing to consider is how will his dcf feel knowing he has kept this from them?

At 17 I imagine she will be quite angry when she finds out.

Who did he say the car belonged to?

He is in effect lying to his dc.

Make sure you have other interests and see other people.

I don't think it is acceptable for him to be like this, he is in effect lying by withholding information.

jaynebxl · 15/08/2014 08:26

He has the perfect opportunity this week to tell his kids. Is it just them and him? If he won't then I would be calling it a day.

wannaBe · 15/08/2014 09:05

Actually I think a year is far too long to wait before telling older children. I wouldn't actually give him an ultimatum at this stage as you've already brought it up. I would simply say, "clearly this relationship doesn't mean enough to you that you would want your children to know about me, I deserve to be with someone who wants to share all aspects of their life with me, and as you clearly don't want that we have no future."

Original poster
scoobydooagain · 15/08/2014 09:10

Definitely separated,a friend of mine is friends of some of ex's colleagues so I checked this out early on, he is aware of this, which makes his behaviour even more daft.
Timescale thing is something I thought about, so will give it more consideration, but would be weeks rather than months

OP posts:
VelvetSpoon · 15/08/2014 09:18

He should have told his DC by now I think, sounds like he is probably a bit of a Disney dad and slightly in thrall to his DC, so doesn't want to risk any kind of upset (not making excuses for him but teenage girls are such a bundle of hormones mess I can understand him being a bit reluctant. That said, it's not going to get any easier the longer he leaves it, quite the opposite). Are you able to have a rational discussion with him about it, or does he just procrastinate or bury his head in the sand?.

Telling his ex is a non issue though surely? I haven't told my XP I'm in a relationship, nor will I, it's none of his business. I know my bf hasn't told his XW about me either and doesn't have any intention of doing so. My bf has however met my DC (after 3 months) and I will in the next month or so be meeting his DC (his are younger and split more recent, so we wanted to leave it a little longer before any intros, but it will definitely be well before a year!).

Original poster
scoobydooagain · 15/08/2014 09:23

We have spoken about it and he does seem to understand where I am coming from. The ex is a non issue (bar the divorce and joint bank account!) but I get the impression he is more reluctant for ex to know (via children) than telling his children. I just am getting fed up with it and feel not telling them for so long is just building it up to something much more than it is

OP posts:
jaynebxl · 15/08/2014 09:25

Who is on holiday with him?

Miggsie · 15/08/2014 09:26

Well a man who is separated 18 months yet has not started divorce proceedings and still has a joint bank account with the supposed ex sounds like someone who has not mentally detached from his wife or their relationship in any significant way.

they just sound like 2 people who don't live together yet still share more than you and he do.

I think you need to examine his priorities.

Is the lack of divorce laziness on his part - or opportunism on hers - I assume she is living in the same house with his money supporting the kids? I would not class this couple as separated, just living apart. I also think that he won't tell the kids and wife because then he'd have to move on and actually do something, and he doesn't sound like he wants to.

kentishgirl · 15/08/2014 09:28

He should have told them long before this.

I had the same issue once. I finally got the point over to him when there was a storyline on Eastenders about a couple in this situation and it had continued for 10 years! Then the Dad finally told the kids but because of the ten years of lies they had to pretend they'd only just met.

I pointed out how bloody ridiculous the whole thing was and how deceitful and hurtful it was to everybody involved other than him, so selfish behaviour. The only options if it continued were for the children to find out their father had been lying to them for howeverlong, or for us to have to pretend to have only just met and I wasn't going to do that.

He's being a twat. Put your foot down.

Original poster
scoobydooagain · 15/08/2014 09:29

He is on holiday with 2 youngest. Yes ex still in family home and yes generous financial support (more than X20 I get from my ex!!). You have all confirmed and validated how I am feeling, just need to do next step.

OP posts:
jaynebxl · 15/08/2014 09:47

Are you sure his wife isn't there too?

Quitelikely · 15/08/2014 11:17

Take the next step scooby. Then his next step will tell you everything you need to know.

Original poster
scoobydooagain · 15/08/2014 15:01

As positive as I can be that his wife is not there, definitely know that that relationship is over.
Well I will be seeing him later today, so we'll see (or not)

OP posts:
jaynebxl · 15/08/2014 16:40

Oo keep us posted!

Original poster
scoobydooagain · 15/08/2014 16:53

Will do, he's just called and on his way over..by bike

OP posts:
Charley50 · 16/08/2014 11:50

Any joy?

Hissy · 16/08/2014 19:14

So, again, he's going out on a bike ride, rather than going to see someone, let alone his girlfriend... :(

Original poster
scoobydooagain · 17/08/2014 21:11

So, didn't say anything ( I know) and today he told his ex and kids anyway, and kids pleased for him and ex had guessed!

OP posts:
jaynebxl · 17/08/2014 21:33

About blooming time! How do you feel now?

Hissy · 17/08/2014 22:02

Result! How'd you feel?

Chiana · 17/08/2014 22:36

Yay!!!

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