How can I come to terms with her getting away with it all?

[saltnpepa]

To cut a long story short I have a sister who is insanely jealous of me and hates it when I'm happy or even worse, if I am celebrating. She caused a major drama on my wedding day and cast a big cloud over it. Some family members told me to go nc with her after that and I was generally supported in the family and didn't see her or talk to her for a couple of years. Then when I had my first baby she came and did the same thing all over again, caused a major fight in our house, family members in tears, me in absolute bits. I will never get over how anyone can try to destroy anyones most happiest moments in their life and so I am now nc and feel better for it although this has meant my children have lost contact with a big part of their family, cousins etc.

Thing is her son is about to get married and the whole family are looking forward to a lovely wedding day which of course I will not be attending. I am just so angry that she gets to enjoy her sons wedding, that her family have a wedding day that goes celebrated and not destroyed, that she can waft out of all this destruction to get the wedding day for her son that she wanted while she ruined mine. I can imagine now when he has a baby how the whole family will be there enjoying that precious moment when mine was practically ruined.

How on earth can I stop feeling so bitter about it? I am being consumed by the injustice of it.

'No contact' has to mean that the other person - and their connections - effectively ceases to exist. Your resentment appears to be because your sister hasn't received any punishment for her behaviour. That's just life, sadly. No such thing as Karma. Bad guys live long, happy lives and good guys get hit by a truck.

Your sister isn't making you bitter, I'm afraid. It's coming from within and that's where the solution lies. Find ways to be content in your skin and consign your sister and those associated with her properly to the past. Counselling may help.

I would write her a letter; in it I would pour out everything you feel. Once you've written it (and don't hold anything back) you burn it. It's cathartic and will help you.
The best revenge is to live well.
I don't know who said that, but it's true.

How unfair, she sounds awful.
Have faith though, that the rest of your family are on your side, and support you and know what she is like. Your absence will still cast a 'shadow' over the family picture, and I'm sure your M&D will be thinking about you.

I agree councilling could help you to move on and put things behind you more conclusively.

You really think she will enjoy her son's wedding? Pity him, pity his bride-to-be, as her need to be the centre of attention at all times will surely come into play at her son's wedding too. Even if she doesn't cause a scene at the wedding itself, I'm sure she's been concocting plenty of drama in the run-up to it.

She is not a happy person if she behaves with such bitterness and resentment to others' happiness. The wedding will not be a lovely and happy affair with a narcissistic mother/mother-in-law in the wings.

You're not missing much.

Yes, I agree with Cogito. It is unfair, but you need to let it go. There is no punishment awaiting her. Maybe she will push it too far with other people one day and end up completely alone. Maybe she won't. But you need to stop thinking about her.

I went NC with my mother 2.5 years ago. Truly, no contact. I tried to build a final bridge with her, despite some truly despicable behaviour, and she was so vile, just so vile I wanted to hit her (mocked me for some abuses I'd suffered as a child/teenager). I told my exH I couldn't speak with her ever again. He tried to build a bridge and she provoked a similarly strong response in him and told her not to contact "me or my family ever again".

Her behaviour contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. He had nightmares for months afterwards where he found himself taking revenge. And that was horrible for him. It was a very harrowing time. But it was only the curtain call in a life of nasty, spiteful, malicious, behaviour towards me. It's no exaggeration to say, "she ruined my life" whilst she was in it.

Anyway, I digress, it means that, for me, she has just ceased to exist. I'm assuming that if she died I'd find out because, I'm assuming, someone would tell me. But they might not. She could be dead now for all I know.

I know I sound angry in my post. But I'm not. I have a pain in my chest now from recalling how she made me feel, and I'm shaking, but that'll pass and it's only because I'm thinking about it for the purpose of this post. In 10 minutes she'll be dead to me again.

But if I carried that anger round with me all the time, I couldn't function. It would ruin everything for me. And now it's started to subside again, I can see how much better my life is without her in it and that is the point.

It's not about punishing her. It's about taking care of me and my children and living a good and happy life without her negative influence. That is what the ideal outcome is for you, too. Who gives a shit about her and what she's doing, eh? It's early days, but it will get better.

Other family members have been trying to talk to me about this wedding but I have said I don't want to hear about it so I am protecting myself from the details. I also have an idea of when it will be and have arranged a nice holiday for us overseas.

You see I feel her bitterness is becoming a part of me. Because I would never in the past of wished anyone a horrible wedding day but now I find myself hoping she has a miserable time of it and I don't want to be that person that wishes misery on anyone.

Yes I suppose I want some sort of punishment but actually all I ever wanted was an apology or even an acknowledgement of the pain she caused but she did neither.

It all started because she felt I criticised her, it was a minor disagreement which she has developed into a 10 year drama which has destroyed much of the family.

You should hope the wedding is great for your nephew. Please don't hold his mother's behaviour against him.

Yes she may have a great day but that shouldn't matter to you. You have cut her out of your life. Time to stop letting her get to you.

You can't change the past but you can create new stress free special days.

You are not going to get an acknowledgement or apology from her.

Every time you feel angry, or bitter, or resentment or anything... she is winning and she doesn't even have to do anything.

Just ignore her.

I would be surprised if she ever apologies.

Unless it is years later or death bed.

Cogito, as ever, is most wise. Can relate to your situation as also have sib with rather toxic, hugely envious behaviour. Has cut me up, made me ill, doubt myself... Only solution is within myself - to let it go, to forgive (for my orn peace of mind) and to not odentify with it. Try to do the same, agree that good counselling can help, someone who gets entrenched family dynamics.

Try to be happy for your nephew as it's not his fault his Mum's like this. He may well be dreading the day too and wondering what shenanigans she might get up to.

I am sure your absence will be a bit of a cloud over your family members and that's enough bad karma for the day. Just be grateful your family supported you at the time and they may well be treading on eggshells for the day too.

It's a bloody shame you couldn't enjoy your celebration days without her spoiling it, but it has happened and you can't turn the clock back.

It's your sister who had been awful to you not your nephew. The future focuses are going to be on your nephew and his happiness. Yes she will involved in it and probably revel in it but it's not about her any more.
In the future your children are going to have celebrations, you family will be there to help celebrate, (she won't), you will enjoy the celebration but it won't be about you.
Your NC, let it go, get happy for your nephew.

Hi OP

I understand bitterness. There's a couple of people I feel very bitter about, with good reason. It's awful and I wish I didn't feel it as it only hurts me, not them, but knowing something in your mind is different to feeling something in your heart. We have to live with these things.

But your nephew is innocent in all this. Don't begrudge him a happy wedding, marriage, and children. It's not her wedding, marriage or children. He is his own person. These events are all about him and his wife to be, not her at all.

Send him a card for the wedding with a genuine message of best wishes to him and his wife. You'll feel better for it. He'll appreciate it. (and it won't half get up your sister's nose that you are the better person )

You sound like me and my sister OP. She played a shitty trick on me on my wedding day. I have been NC with her for years now and boy, does it feel good! In the long term she has had some crap happen to her and I know from other family members that she is not particularly happy with her lot, so what I am saying is, wait. Long term these types don't get the life they want. Their bad behaviour bites them on the arse in the end! Look up narcissistic behaviour patterns. I bet she's there in glowing technicolour.

Oh she is a narcissist. This all started because I dared to disagree from her and I have been left reeling in her narcissistic rage for a decade. She has truly set out to destroy anything happy in my life as revenge. Now she doesn't have access but I think I continue to destroy my own happiness with bitterness about what she did and worse still that she has got away with it. I know I have to find peace with it. It is very very difficult knowing that she is glad I have suffered, usually a person would be remorseful and this would help but that's not the case here. Mov

It's not get wedding, it's her sons who is an innocent party in all of this. Why shouldn't he have a good wedding day.

Have you been invited?

If so be careful with your reply. You will need to RSVP in some way (keep the moral high ground) , but maybe just a thank you, you hope he has a wonderful day, but you won't be attending. And send a present with another family member (to ensure he gets it unmolested) adding another note saying you are sorry you could not attend (no details just that phrase) and you hope the day was everything they could have wished for.

But cog is right. Spend some time composing the letter you really want to send her, spend some time correcting it, make it succinct and clear. Then burn it.... lovely cathartic moment.

My DSis is sat here with me at the moment, she is visiting for 5 days. She probably has no idea that I wrote her a truly bitch fest of a letter about 10 years ago. I outlined every selfish, pathetic move she had ever made, every idiosyncrasy of hers that truly infuriates me and then I really went to town, I was nasty.

I burned it... and, thankfully, managed to let it go. I say thankfully, as my problem really is with our parents and their incredibly biased treatment of us and her seeming inability to recognise it - she holds me responsible for my lack of contact with them! But I don't need to be 'understood' any more!

It takes time, but you really can do it. Give it a whirl, you deserve not to bother with her!

I don't know, when there's significant harm I think there is a process to recovery, which will involve bitterness, intense anger, feelings of revenge. I just think that's part of getting to the other side - not pretty but necessary imo.

It takes courage because you think you're going to get stuck there, bitter and twisted for ever. But ime it doesn't work like that, gradually the anger and bitterness fades and one day you realise you no longer care.

In the early days I feel consumed with bitterness, revenge fantasies (we crave JUSTICE imo) etc. But I have my eye on not letting it become all-consuming ie every minute. If I'm having a rough week, say, where it's on my mind most of the time, despite my efforts to keep it from being all-consuming, i assume I'm getting, my psyche is effecting, some bumper healing, and i trust the process.I know where i'm headed - free - and I know I'll get there eventually.

Btw I do believe that people reap what they sow. It usually takes a while - though not always.

springydaffs thank you so much for that wonderful reminder that it is a process and I won't be in this place forever. That was just what I needed to hear. No there is no invitation, I heard through other people she didn't want an atmosphere there (bet she didn't!). Besides wild horses wouldn't get me there, the nephew also played a part in some of the horrors of the past although mostly out of FOG with mother.

I think the idea of booking a nice holiday is a brilliant one, OP. You'll be away having fun, creating lovely memories with your own family.

Have you considered counselling? It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved anger simmering away (perfectly justifiable anger, don't get me wrong). Perhaps a counsellor could help with that.

I had counseling to reach the nc decision. I think this wedding is bringing it all back up again. I find it very difficult to understand why anyone would want to destroy anyones happiest times in life and why they can somehow just walk away from that unscathed. I have never been so bullied in all my life and for it to be a sister is very difficult to recover from. My family say I should put it to one side now and move on, but without any apology from her. My response is no chance, my gut just won't allow it.

My response is no chance, my gut just won't allow it.

Difficult isn't it? You will never understand why she does it. You may be told she is jealous of something you achieved or of a job/creative opportunity/holiday/partner/child/pair of shoes you had that she could never hope to get or better.

There may not be a reason, she may just be a self centred, neurotic bully.

Your family sound like they are worried about you... maybe irritated with you, if they have decided to label her behaviour as 'Just Salt's Sister doing her thing'. Whichever, you know they are right you need this to go away, become less of an issue for you.

If it helps... DSis has just asked if she can stay until Sunday..... I have only girded my loins enough to last today.... I need some time to reset my calm, coping, smiley face - she has just started to give me advice on all aspects of my life... non of which is of any use/interesting to me as I am not as focussed on things as she is. If she mentions 'statement pieces' one more time I will swing for her.

Oh, and she is a sniffer... I can't stand much more!

God I thought of accidentally written your op!
Just focus on the future and be the better person.
I've spent years being shat on by my selfish cow of a sister who has such a lack of insight she blames me for family members liking me as if it takes away from her. She ruined my first wedding, trips to see family, my granddad dying recently was all about her, etx etc. I'm sure she'd tell you very different.
Easier to accept and move on.

But it was my wedding day I can't get that back.