Compulsive gambler husband

[MonkeyBabyMummy]

Dear all,
This is my first post on mums net despite years of lurking through sites. I always imagined my first post would be some funny anecdote about my beautiful children, or a bit of advice for a first time mum but I'm heartbroken that it needs to be about this.
I have posted in Gamblers Anonymous but unfortunately they moderate each post before allowing it to go live, and they haven't allowed it up yet, so thought I would try here.
I'm not really looking for answers, just needing to vent as I feel so totally and utterly alone.
My husband has been a compulsive gambler for years. The amounts are increasing and his grip on the reality of the situation has all but disappeared. He went away for work last night and I woke up to a number of missed calls at 5am which only ever means one thing.
He had gambled £5k of our savings. We are (were) comfortable (not loaded) but this only seems to fuel his reasoning that it's "his" money and he never spends any money on himself so why shouldn't he "play" with it. This is one of the largest amounts he's ever spend but it only gets worse. While I was typing on GA website in tears trying to get over my feelings of rage, disappointment, hurt, he was actually (unknown to me) gambling even more. In the middle of the day, while he should've been at work. Turns out he's gambled our entire £10k life savings, this months mortgage payment, our holiday spending money. The lot. We literally have £1.51 left.
While he was on the phone to me asking in desperation what to do, his response to my hysterical "How the f* are we going to pay the mortgage?!" was "and I haven't even got any left to try and win it back"

I am at my wits end. I feel lost. Alone. Desperate. Sick. I have friends and amazing parents but I don't want to tell anyone and I have no idea what to do.
We don't have a great relationship anyway, I left him in Feb for a month when our youngest was only 3 months old due to him once again drunkenly attacking me, both verbally and physically. He swore he'd change (I know) and for six months he's been making an effort to be fair.
But I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I haven't got the energy for a third child and it just seems that he lurches from needing support for one thing to another. Drugs, drink, work, gambling.
I feel like he's sapping me of my life. Sometimes it's a great relationship, other times I daydream about him being in a car crash. The father of my children. How dreadful is that?!
I don't know what I wAnt as a response from mums net, if anything, but writing this has made me feel a little less alone, if only in a virtual way.
I feel empty. I don't want him to come home. Ever.

He's a leech, a drain, a selfish entitled twat and now it appears verbally and physically dangerous.

Sorry OP, time to throw that towel in.

What an absolute arsehole.

You only stay because you have children with him, that's not good enough. The relationship was over a long time ago, when he started putting his gambling habit in front of you and the family. He broke it, not you.

Sorry but I'd be making plans to tell everyone and moving on without him, you are not there to save him, he doesn't give a fuck about you, he's been proving that to you over and over again, resulting in a car crash ending.

Hi Monkey,

so sad to hear this for you. Again i'll give you my depressingly regular advice.

You have to remember the three C's

You did not cause his gambling.
You cannot cure his gambling.
You can't control his gambling.

You need to contact gam anon who will have plenty of advice from you.

However some advice you may wish to consider.
Take control of your family finances completely. He cannot and will not act responsibly, for him right now its impossible. Arrange the finances so that he CANNOT access money.
Check via experian etc the like the exact state of your and his finances. (he may well have taken debt on in your name)
Do not trust anything he says, especially about his finances and gambling. An unpleasant side effect of compulsive gambling is compulsive lying.
Put yourself first right now. Your husband is in the grip of a terrible illness, he will not stop, it will get worse, no matter what he says.

He needs to attend GA. It will need to be a long term/lifetime commitment. He has to go when he wants to, although you can encourage him, if you force him its unlikely he will be successful.

It may be that your relationship cannot be saved, maybe it can. Either way it can never be the same again, you must put yourself and your family first.

If you have any questions or need a chat please pm, i have a lot of experience in this area.

Sending you hugs

Thank you both. Am currently sat in the garden desperately smoking a secret cigarette which makes me feel like a terrible parent but it's this or tears in front of the children. Jan, you're right. I know you're right. If I read my post as a third party, I would say DURR pack your bags. But I'm scared. S* scared of the finality of it. Our eldest starts school in 4 weeks, we are supposed to be going on holiday in a week. How can I tell a 4 year old we aren't going on his holiday as promised??
Getthefuck (great name btw!) I have-the savings he stole were in an account in my sole name that requires online access. So he must've actually been planning to gamble to make a note of the number. He feels "entitled" to it (does he?! Or guilt talking?) as he earns so much more than me......

Take each day as it comes, you know you can't be with him anymore, not until he can prove to you that he is free of his addiction and can prioritise you and the family, staying just enables him to stay in his bubble as well as drain you emotionally cos things haven't quite turned out how he hoped, so, he needs you now - honestly, the actual fucken cheek.

Get talking to friends and family, have the holiday if you really must, take someone else, not him, he certainly does not deserve a holiday, in fact he doesn't deserve anything from you.

Slowly you can make your escape, get clued up and surround yourself with support, he is toxic.

He stole money from you. this is absolutely unforgivable, horrible, criminal, morally reprehensible behaviour. I am furious for you. You poor thing!!!

i'm sorry OP but i would think about reporting this to the police. he literally STOLE money from you. it beggars belief.

i think you need to get into a support group for problem gamblers' families, and that you need to tell your parents and EVERYONE you know about what is going on. And i think you need to leave. honestly. this is a bridge too far.

this man will put you and the DCs on the street anyway if you stay with him. as long as you are there, he will find access to your money and you will be made destitute. don't let him do this to you and the DCs.

I'm the daughter of a compulsive gambler and the lies, deceit and disappointment never stop.
I've heard it all!
She even won a life changing amount of money a few years ago, did it end the gambling? No! She used that as a told you so, told you I'd win big one day, then gambled most of it away again thinking she was on some sort of winning streak.
Your son is 4, not going on holiday is not great but his mum being drunkenly abused by his father is worse.
You need to leave him, for good.

I have to point out that technically the money was his as we've saved whilst I'm off on mat leave-his bonus, expenses and surplus wages. Even I now think of it as "his" money, not family money, as I've been told so many times it is. Also been told it's "our" money and "family" money but I always know it won't be long til the "my" money conversation.
It was in an account in my name to try and prevent exactly this from happening-he used to call me at 2/3/4am dead drunk to ask me to transfer funds. Until I turned my phone off whenever he went out.
Chocolips, you're so right. It's not even about the money now. He could win £50k and would gamble it back. And more.
I can't call the police, he'd lose his job. And then we'd all be well and truly fucked. Even more than now.
Honestly, it would just be easier for me if he ceased to exist. That's terrible but that's how I feel. If he just disappeared and never came back. Eldest would miss him (but only for the last six months effort-he even said "Daddy I didn't used to love you but now I do) I would manage without him and youngest wouldn't notice.
I wish I could click my fingers and he'd disappear in a puff of smoke leaving me in peace.

Why have you stayed to date?. For these children?. Do you on some level feel responsible for him still?.

The only way you will get any peace now is to divorce this man. There is no bright future, infact any sort of future at all for you in all this, it was over when he put gambling above his family. The bad times are far outweighing any supposed good things (now few and far between) that you've had.

What do you think your children are learning from the two of you about relationships here; would you want them to believe that this dysfunctional and loveless relationship is their "norm"?. You're currently showing them that on some level this is still acceptable to you.

Start talking to people, do not carry his secret for him any longer.

He has taken family money away from his family to finance his gambling addiction. My guess as well that if you did a credit check you would be in for a huge shock as well. How much does he owe or has been lost over the years?.

He may well go onto lose his job and everything/everyone else around him due to his gambling addiction. He will destroy you all in the end and he's doing a bang up job of destroying his own family now. Such men do not change; you should realise that by now. He does not care; he's probably told you more than once that once he wins big he will stop gambling. BTW have you seen a poor bookie - no neither have I.

I absolutely feel responsible for him. He is literally my most troublesome child. He has no friends of his own, doesn't speak to his family. He sounds like an absolute dead beat, but appears as a professional man, social, to all intents and purposes "normal"
But he's so troubled. I know he's suffering from depression, he refuses to see a doctor. We both know he's addicted to gambling, he refuses to see GA. The burden is all on me. To "support" him.

We are definitely giving the children the impression this is normal. But most of the time we do have a happy, normal, family life. I try to shield them as best I can but he uses the children as a weapon to get to me whenever I threaten to leave as he knows they are my world. As I'm typing this all I'm thinking is that all responses will say HE'S A FUCKING COCK, LEAVE HIM. And he is. Sometimes. Others he's not, he's my best friend.

Our youngest is a girl and when I went back to him earlier in the year, my mum sat me down (they don't know he's been physical in the past, only verbal. And not all of it) and said "I understand why you're going back, you have children. But don't let your daughter grow up thinking that being treated like this is normal"

I know I have to leave. But I'm a coward. I'm so scared.

"I absolutely feel responsible for him. He is literally my most troublesome child. He has no friends of his own, doesn't speak to his family. He sounds like an absolute dead beat, but appears as a professional man, social, to all intents and purposes "normal"
But he's so troubled. I know he's suffering from depression, he refuses to see a doctor. We both know he's addicted to gambling, he refuses to see GA. The burden is all on me. To "support" him".

You have a choice re him; your children certainly do not.

You are not responsible for him and you do not have to support him but you certainly seem to be co-dependent in this relationship and that state is unhealthy. It is not your fault he is the way he is and you cannot fix or rescue him here. If he refuses to see a GP about depression you cannot make him go. Anyway how much of this is due to depression and how much of this is actually due to him being an abusive arse with a gambling addiction?.

"We are definitely giving the children the impression this is normal. But most of the time we do have a happy, normal, family life. I try to shield them as best I can but he uses the children as a weapon to get to me whenever I threaten to leave as he knows they are my world. As I'm typing this all I'm thinking is that all responses will say HE'S A FUCKING COCK, LEAVE HIM. And he is. Sometimes. Others he's not, he's my best friend"

I think you are kidding yourself big time when you state that you do have a normal, happy family life. It reads to me like the seven circles of hell.

Is this really the impression of "normality" you want to give them; they will not thank you for staying with their gambler dad if you were to choose to and will wonder of you why you put him before them. That could well destroy your future relationship with your adult children because they will go onto despise you as much as their dad for bringing such misery upon them from childhood.

If this person is "your best friend" I would hate to meet any of your enemies. Do you think real friends treat each other like this and besides which he is not just your friend, he's your H currently.

"Our youngest is a girl and when I went back to him earlier in the year, my mum sat me down (they don't know he's been physical in the past, only verbal. And not all of it) and said "I understand why you're going back, you have children. But don't let your daughter grow up thinking that being treated like this is normal"

Going back because of the children was never a good reason or justification for actually going back. You should have left after the verbal violence towards you (that is domestic abuse as well) but did not. Your mother's second sentence is certainly correct, do you want your DD to end up marrying an inveterate gamble like your H?. You're doing your fair bit here re showing them damaging lessons on relationships and you cannot protect them from the realities of his addiction. They see you and your reactions both spoken and unspoken to him all too clearly.

"I know I have to leave. But I'm a coward. I'm so scared"

Feel the fear and do it anyway. You've been a coward long enough and that state has got you precisely nowhere. Get proper legal advice now and start protecting yourself properly before he bankrupts you all and trashes your life completely. I would also suggest you now also talk to Womens Aid with regards to the abuse on 0808 2000 247.

Leave him before he drags you down into a hell of destitution with him

He stole from you

This has to be your bottom line now. This man would take food from his children's mouths to gamble. It's not going to get better.

He won't stop until you're bankrupt, you know that. Plus he's aggressive and violent. And depressed but refuses to get help. And emotionally abusive. And you wish he would die or disappear. So what on earth is stopping you leaving him? I would say empty the joint accounts and get out of there but he's already done that. Do you have access to his salary when he gets paid? If so take enough for a deposit on a house and get out. Or if you really want to keep the house take enough for a solicitor consultation and file for divorce. Start the process. This marriage is utterly toxic, diseased. It will destroy you all.

This man would take food from his children's mouths to gamble.

seriously OP, I know you are scared but PLEASE ffs think of what you are saying to your children by staying. you are saying, quite literally, "mummy's feeling scared, so you'll just have to cope with this, sorry".

he has hit you
he has stolen from you

you have a dd
please understand that if you allow this to carry on, DD will carefully pick a man who hits her and steals from her. that is simply how it goes.

all abusers are nice sometimes.

all children who are exposed to abusive parents pay for it, dearly.

i know you're afraid but you NEED to leave. you can't let this happen to your children. there is a part of you that knows you must defend them -- and it will only snap into action once YOU take action.

Run for the hills....and dont go back. Dont try and save what is not really a marriage. The gambling is nad enough....the abuse is awful. He does it to keep you put. Run op.

I lurk on these boards occasionally, and often think that the advice is a bit 2 dimensional. But your posts are so breathtakingly awful it seems impossible that you can stay. Something about the £1.51 just made my toes clench with fury.

Please, please don't stay anymore. Your mums already on to him, she's your escape route right there.

Can you seek legal advice about dividing what assets you have and starting up alone with your and the kids assets totally ring-fenced from him?

I was married to a man with similar problems. I so identify with your most troublesome child. When I made the decision to leave it de-stressed and simplified my life immeasurably.

To not have to live with a loose cannon was fantastic. To not lie awake waiting for his taxi to arrive, knowing that he was about to torment me for hours.

Leave. Your life and your children's lives can only get better. You won't know how much better until you have done it. I have never been able to tell anyone the full extent of what my exh did. If you are the same no one is going to force you to.

OP you're in an abusive relationship. Everything he does... the gambling, the 'depression', the violence, the lies, even the times when things feel normal and happy .... has the effect of keeping you around against your better judgement. He's not merely a man with a gambling problem, he's an abuser who uses gambling to add financial abuse to the emotional & physical punishment he doles out to you. By creating this atmosphere of guilt and intimidation it's manipulation and control of the very worst kind.

I think you don't need GA so much as WA - Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. I also firmly believe that you need to take many more people into your confidence. Friends, family, your GP..... You need to put yourself and your DCs first

"I have friends and amazing parents but I don't want to tell anyone and I have no idea what to do"

Tell them. Abusers specialise in isolating their victims either by scaring off family, removing them physically or making them party to terrible secrets and guilt-tripping them into keeping those secrets. The shame is all his. There is no shame in asking for help.

Leave him. Your life will be better without him. It might wake him up to get some help, which will be good for his future relationship with the children. But don't go back.

Without the gambling you should leave - he is abusive already. But the stealing and gambling - how could that ever be ok and forgiveable.

I agree - speak to WA and get yourself out.

OP, I could have written your post (or very similar) fifteen years ago. I am now remarried, to a nice 'normal' man and although we have debt we have a different attitude and none of it was caused by gambling.
I'm not scared anymore, stressed, etc.
My ex - fourth wife, no contact with any children, still at it.

"Scared of the finality of it."

Think of it like this.

It will be the final time you have to worry that he has gambled away the mortgage money. It will be the final time you have to tell your children you're not going on holiday after all. It will be the final time you have to anxiously worry about whether he will be in a bad mood, and come home and verbally or physically abuse you.

You sound like you want to save him. But you can't. Only he can do that, and he doesn't want to.

You do know what to do OP, you only get one chance in life, why are you living your life through him, through his abuse of you, dragging you down and down, is he really something extra special - I doubt it.

You have zero trust in anything he tells you, no trust - no relationship.

You are strong enough to get through this and create a brighter future for yourself and your DC.

It may not feel that way now but it's true. You've been the strong one in your family all along, supporting this man and coping with abuse and caring for your DC.

You're strong enough to say ENOUGH. And take control of what happens next.

He has taken away the food from your childrens mouths and the roof from over their heads by taking- stealing all this money.

Leaving or kicking him out will be the best way to protect them.