Compulsive gambler husband

[MonkeyBabyMummy]

Dear all,
This is my first post on mums net despite years of lurking through sites. I always imagined my first post would be some funny anecdote about my beautiful children, or a bit of advice for a first time mum but I'm heartbroken that it needs to be about this.
I have posted in Gamblers Anonymous but unfortunately they moderate each post before allowing it to go live, and they haven't allowed it up yet, so thought I would try here.
I'm not really looking for answers, just needing to vent as I feel so totally and utterly alone.
My husband has been a compulsive gambler for years. The amounts are increasing and his grip on the reality of the situation has all but disappeared. He went away for work last night and I woke up to a number of missed calls at 5am which only ever means one thing.
He had gambled £5k of our savings. We are (were) comfortable (not loaded) but this only seems to fuel his reasoning that it's "his" money and he never spends any money on himself so why shouldn't he "play" with it. This is one of the largest amounts he's ever spend but it only gets worse. While I was typing on GA website in tears trying to get over my feelings of rage, disappointment, hurt, he was actually (unknown to me) gambling even more. In the middle of the day, while he should've been at work. Turns out he's gambled our entire £10k life savings, this months mortgage payment, our holiday spending money. The lot. We literally have £1.51 left.
While he was on the phone to me asking in desperation what to do, his response to my hysterical "How the f* are we going to pay the mortgage?!" was "and I haven't even got any left to try and win it back"

I am at my wits end. I feel lost. Alone. Desperate. Sick. I have friends and amazing parents but I don't want to tell anyone and I have no idea what to do.
We don't have a great relationship anyway, I left him in Feb for a month when our youngest was only 3 months old due to him once again drunkenly attacking me, both verbally and physically. He swore he'd change (I know) and for six months he's been making an effort to be fair.
But I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I haven't got the energy for a third child and it just seems that he lurches from needing support for one thing to another. Drugs, drink, work, gambling.
I feel like he's sapping me of my life. Sometimes it's a great relationship, other times I daydream about him being in a car crash. The father of my children. How dreadful is that?!
I don't know what I wAnt as a response from mums net, if anything, but writing this has made me feel a little less alone, if only in a virtual way.
I feel empty. I don't want him to come home. Ever.

Oh OP... :(

I haven't read the other posts yet but I wanted to tell you how it felt to be the child of a compulsive gambler. My dad was one. He went to casinos, lied and lied, had credit cards, gambled the house money away - in fact, if it weren't for the fact that the bank made a mistake, my mum would have lost the house. There were four of us kids and my youngest brother was only a few weeks old.

My mum tried everything, absolutely everything. It's affected her whole life, she's obsessed with financial security, feeling vulnerable and depressed. She divorced him finally when I was 17 (I'm 45 now). She's better now.

At the moment, you want to 'fix' him. He's pretty much 'fixed' you. He's dictating how you will live and how your children will live. He's utterly selfish and you must distance yourself from him at all costs, for your childrens' sake. He can still have a relationship with them but it must be away from the family home and he must have no access to that, none at all.

Separate your finances completely, tell all of the relevant institutions and, if you're up to it, divorce him. You need to be independent of him because he will drag you down, take your kids with you - and you'll be trying to prop them up for the rest of their growing up time, making them feel secure - which they won't feel because you don't.

There is so much help available now, it wasn't so visible back then. Get him out, make him pay maintenance via CSA and see where you go from there.

I have tears running down my face remembering the stress of living at home as a child, all the way through to my teen years and beyond. It's like a permanent stain and has done so much damage. I wish you well and urge you to cut him off from doing this to you and your children.

He can sort himself out, it's not your job. You're a mum.

MBM
I am so sorry :-( To have to go through this is hell. I know because my husband is a compulsive gambler. I found out 2 weeks before our wedding that he had spent the entire wedding fund, the money my parents gave us as a wedding gift, earlier money he had put aside for my engagement ring that he told me was for a bill, his wages for that month and the advance he'd received for the next. He also I later found out owed friends 20,000 and banks 30,000.

I understand the shame of not wanting people to know and I only told 2 people before the wedding as I needed the support. I married him but under strict conditions. In many ways I took the biggest gamble of my life on him, but it was only my life with no kids involved and because in all other ways my husband is a truly lovely man. He actually is. Gambling is something he has a compulsion to do but I refuse to let it define who he is. He is so much more. I would say the first year of our marriage was absolute hell. Forgiving him came at a high personal cost and I was in pieces. In fact I think there were moments when I hated him a little. I still am hurt about my parents wedding gift being gambled.

I took over the finances. We have a joint account and I have a private one he knows nothing about with just in case money. He has a strict budget that he lives to and all receipts are given to me. He has worked with me and not against me. He does not vent his frustration upon me for his failings and if he falls off the wagon ( which has happened twice in 3 years) he has to tell me no matter how hard. He has both times and the amounts are much smaller 1800 followed by 600. He came to me both times and that's why I managed to forgive it. If he lies or betrays me further by letting me discover it for myself I'd walk. I have my limits. I refuse to go through that again. He goes to meetings. He is grateful to still have a life outside of an addiction he knows is never fully going to be cured. So do I but as things stand right now I can live with it.

There is one huge difference between our situations MBM, my husband admitted he had a problem and has done everything within he power to get better. He never justified it. He goes to GA willingly. He is also easy to handle, as in he isn't violent towards me and if he was I'd walk out the door. I have accepted that no one is 100% perfect and he is a great husband and will be a fantastic father. He provides for us well, has a work ethic I admire.... actually he is a person I admire.

I suppose what I'm saying is that some people are addicts and it's livable with, but it has a cost and that person has to be worth you paying it with them. You can't save or fix someone else they have to want, indeed need to save/ fix themselves. You have no control over his actions and sadly with addiction he doesn't either. He is making his choices and is justifying what he is doing. He knows he has a problem and is doing nothing to fix it. He will promise you the sun moon and stars but to be honest what has he done to show you that he can be trusted, be selfless, determined and put you and your needs first. Actions speak louder than any words can. My DH had earnt enough good points to majorly fuck up and still have good qualities I wanted to live with for the rest of my life. And then take the gambling out of it. He's emotionally and physically violent. He's no ones 'best friend' but his own and maybe a slot machine or poker tables.

If I had had children at the time I wouldn't have married him, my life is guided by my choices- to put them in peril would have been beyond me, and they deserve more even if I think I don't.

BTW the reasons gamblers thrive is because we enable them to at times. Usually because of our shame (even though we have done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of). I told my parents when my DH fell off the wagon the first time and am quite open with a few people as is he now- it became easier not to jin poker nights by being open about the reasons as to why not! We keep it separate from work and his and my professional lives. BUT their knowledge and support has been invaluable. You need money to eat this month and so do your kids. You don't need a payday loan you need your family. You need support. x

I've been where you are Monkey, I stayed and it got better, he finally stopped gambling.

But do you know what...his lies, his disrespect for me, for our children, his moods, the deceit have all taken the most enormous toll on me and on our relationship and if I was back in your position again I would leave in a heartbeat. I would run and I would not look back. He has stolen so much from me - much more than just money.

I wish you the strength that I didn't have.

Monkey, I too have been where you are.
My now ex-husband is a pathological gambler. He still resides in the MH and refuses to leave.
I believe he as spent approximately £150,000 on gambling, is severely in debt and I believe lost his job on Thursday. He is not a stupid man, an accountant!!!! I tried everything, taking control of finances, gam anon, I paid for counselling, threw him out. Nothing was enough for him to stop.

I read this book, got it from the library, and it really helped me to stop taking responsibility for him - Codependent no more by Melody Beattie.

You have to do what is right for you now, no-one can tell you to leave him, its not that simple and took me years.

It is fine to draw a line in the sand and say when x happens I will leave, but don't tell anyone especially not him. When you reach the line you can take action or move it if it feels right to do so. I did this time and time again but one day reach the line and took action.

I will be free of him soon, as much as I can be with two children, when the financial resolution is sorted in court. I can't wait to start my life with constant worry, shrouded in lies and disappointment.

The one mistake I would go back and change is to tell my family and friends, I become so withdrawn by keeping it secret and this gave him more power.

His gambling is not your secret to keep, reach out to those who love you.

without constant worry