Fuming and about to cut off huge chunk of family! *trigger*

[MumBoots]

I come from a large family (lots of cousins, aunts and uncles etc).

Recently, one of my cousins confided in me that she had pressed charges against another cousin for sexually abusing her as a child (when he was 16/17). It was about to go to court and the wider family were about to find out, so she wanted to tell me before that happened. She is a lovely woman now in her late thirties and a mother herself.

I am not close to the cousin who abused her, hardly know him at all, but he is in his forties, married with kids, and pretty tight with my dad . Obviously it is really awful to think back on times we were around him as kids, times other children in the family have been around him, all the what ifs and not knowing, and the realisation that he is a paedophile .

I said I would support my cousin (the female one) in any way possible and that I believed her and hoped he would be brought to justice. We have been in contact via text through the court case and I have been supportive. Just so sad for her that she went through this and think she is immensely brave for pursuing it now.

While the court case was going on, none of the rest of the family seemed to get involved (although all knew what was happening). They all live in another country to me (where my family are originally from), so I wouldn't have had much contact with them anyway. But all seemed quiet and people seemed to be staying out of it, with the exception of her immediate family (supportive of her) and his immediate family (supportive of him).

Anyway, he was found guilty and sentenced (prison sentence) a couple of weeks ago. My cousin texted to say how relieved she was and that she was looking forward to moving on with her life now. I was happy for her (if you can be happy about this sort of thing) and proud of her strength throughout this.

I have just spoken to my dad on the phone and am so fucking outraged and disappointed. He was questioning her version of events and telling me everything the rest of the family is saying. One uncle saying she was promiscuous in her youth, another aunty has cut her and her siblings/parents off completely for their 'lies', some family members saying she is after money and compensation. A whole vicious, nasty web of lies and rumour and absolute bullshit from half of my family, basically. I just feel so let down on my cousin's behalf. That fucker abused her when she was a little girl, 5 yrs old, and has been sent to prison for it, yet half of my large and supoosedly bloody Christian family are defending him and making up all sorts of shit stories about my cousin. Including my own father, who I thought better of.

I started defending her to my dad, saying this was the oldest trick in the book to discredit a woman coming forward to report sexual abuse and that this is why more people don't report rape or child abuse. But then I just lost the will and felt so outraged I slammed the phone down.

Dont know where to go from here. My cousin is moving on with her life and I am not going to trouble her with their petty, nasty gossip...but it has made me question these people that are my so-called family. Arseholes!

It's a horrible shock to realise that the people we've respected and loved all our lives are hollow.

Stand by your cousin. I'm sorry for her pain and glad she managed to secure a conviction.

You are right and they are deluded.

I'm glad your cousin has you to support her.

I think people act like this because if they admitted his offences, it would reflect badly on themselves and their own behaviour at that time. It's easier to blame the child than deal with their own feelings of guilt allowing (however unknowingly) to happen.

I think you're going to have to find a better & more mature way to express yourself with your family & others than slamming the phone down. You've done the right thing supporting your cousin but, once you nail your colours to the mast, that's only the start of the story. You have to be prepared to defend your decision and speak up even if that means you become a controversial figure as a result. I think cutting people off is tantamount to running away. Your cousin was brave enough to stand and fight this one. Stand with her.

They're weak, they're ignorant, they don't want the shame of a sex offender in the family, or to admit that they failed to see the signs & failed to protect a small child, so they've taken the cowardly way out and blamed the victim.

I don't think there's much mileage to be had from going to war with them. They won't listen. Your stance would require them to ask difficult questions of themselves, and current evidence suggests they may just be too lazy. I would support your cousin but distance yourself from the family members who are talking shit about her.

If you tend to get wound up in conversation, then I would send your father an email covering everything that you failed to get across on the phone. Explain that you are repulsed by his lack of respect, lack of honesty and lack of ethics, that you cannot condone his stance, and you want nothing to do with him until he changes his tune. Stay calm and argue rationally.

Hi MumBoots. I'm sorry to what you are going through with your family and very glad that your cousin can close this chapter and move on. How brave she was and she did absolutely the right thing. This man has been brought to justice and importantly, other parents can be aware and protect their children.

Your family are reacting like this because they refuse to believe. Much easier to blame your cousin and scapegoat her. You could put evidence in front of their eyes yet they will disengage and call you the mad one.

There is nothing you can do to change their mind. If the court justice system won't - which would have been thorough and systematic in their investigations, then nothing will.

FWIW - I have been what you have been through and have cut off an entire family and extended family from my DH side. That's a lot of people. We got zero support and was told some ridiculous things - anything and everything was slurred and thrown at, but never once would they even adhere a conversation about peadophilia in their family. They refuse to believe in their minds because it is too painful

I can't condone having to be civil and nice to these fuckwits who choose to walk the easy side with their heads in the sand and REFUSE to acknowledge or apologise for their sick fuck uncle who did this crime to their beloved .

So DH & I cut them off. We're doing it as a protest and we don't really give a shit about them because clearly, they don't either . You know who your real family are and just cos they are related biologically, doesn't mean they should be honoured with being called family.

Blood related? It's just harder to wipe off the floor.

mumboots. what a tough situation but good on you for sticking with / by your cousin. ou have doen the right thing and i hope she can move on with her life, with all the support she may need. You need suport too but it seems you family isnt going to give that as they are getting by in a bubble of denial.

the fact that this case of historical child sexual abuse made it as far as the court and towards an actual conviction shows that evidence must be pretty strong but it is no surprise that a family closes ranks an decides that their opinion outweighs all of that. They are wrong, however they choose to spin it for themselves. They might always choose to spin it like this but there may well be other cases / victims in the family / wider circle yet to come forward.

I am with cookiedoughkid and woudl find it too to hard to have to swallow what they are saying about your cousin. she was a vulnerable child who did nothing wrong. personally - it would make we wonder how they would view any other victims of abuse and exploitation. A bit of distance might be good for a while.

I dont know what country you are in - if scotland - there is a good website called "survivorscotland" which has links to sites / helplnes, etc where you might be able to access someone to allow you to talk through how YOU feel about this?

This is between two people and only they know what happened.

Yourself and your family falling out over their already tragic past won't help your cousin. People will have their own views and you won't change then.

Just stop talking to them about it and move on.

Sadly your cousin never will and a court case won't change the past or help any one to move on. That is daily mail logic.

I can't really help you, but wanted to wish you well and your cousin. She is indeed incredibly brave.

4boys this is not just "between two people and only they only they know what happened" - the case has been tried in court and the court ruled that a crime had been committed.

'Move on' in this context means to ignore how appalling the OP's family are behaving & pretend it never happened. That is a betrayal of the OP's cousin.

If my family started trotting out the bullshit the op's father did on the phone, I too would tell him, "You're talking out of your arse. You clearly support child rape. Good bye."

And the phone would go down.

Op, I'm not sure how one can have relations with morons. I for one don't think it possible. But then if I think someone is a numbskull then I have nothing more to do with them, family or not. I don't discriminate.

Stand up for what is right. You can't change idiots minds.

4boys r u being serious? Is that your opinion? I know you are entitled but to be silent and not show support to the situation and to the victim is tantamount to attacking one of your own blood. Its belittling the crime the took place and saying it was no big deal. If this happened to your child I'm sure you'd be livid. But what would you really say and do if this happened to your child and you werent present? because after all, it only happened between the two right?

One does not come to peace just because one wasn't there. Crimes have happened in the past, and this was a pretty awful one in my humble opinion and I don't agree, at all, its OK to continue life as normal without acknowledgement this person in the family who is not safe around children. Period.

FFS

4boys seems to have the same kind of mentality as the OP's family: question the facts, pretend it never happened.

Yep. Until it happens to his own.

I'm not about stringing the perpetrator from a tree, but I'm all about education of what is and isn't acceptable. It worries me greatly that this kind of head in sand mentality and can go on to contribute and harbour sexual crimes in family.NIMBY syndrome until it actually happens to one of your own!! But wait!! I wasn't PRESENT!!!

4boys, that's disgusting.

Fucking hell. He's been found guilty.

OP, good on you.

I can see that it must be difficult for people to come to terms with the idea that someone they loved and respected is a paedophile but that's no excuse for blaming the victim. If he's been convicted then there must have been a solid case. Carry on supporting your cousin, well done for her in pressing charges.

Thanks for all your viewpoints.

The rest of the family can go to hell, as far as I am concerned. And if anyone asks, I will say it straight. I wont stand by and support a child abuser. If his parents want to, thats understandable in some way I suppose, but I am not going to pretend this didn't happen and I will not accept my cousin's name being dragged through the mad because of what happened to her. Fuck that.

I am still just appalled to my very core that they are being so vindictive and are in such denial. This is Ireland, by the way. They live in an area where abuse by priests and their Bishop was rife in the 50s/60s/70s and many of those abusers have been named, shamed and brought to justice now. I just cannot believe that after all the awareness raising in Ireland, all the scandal among clergy in their own community, that when it happens under their own noses in their own family they can be so fucking heartless. All those bloody Catholic aunties crying and hand wringing over the poor little innocent children that were abused by priests, but not their own niece!

My main problem , though, is with my father. I am utterly shocked at his attitude. He despises the Catholic church precisely because of all that has gone on in Ireland. He is a lone voice in his rural, conservative community for pro-choice and is usually the one man that speaks out against the gossip and petty, nasty attitudes towards women that go on around him. I feel so let down.

I spoke to my mum about it all this evening (parents long separated) and she thinks I should talk to him again and ask him 'what if it was YOUR daughter or granddaughter?'. She is really shocked and upset, too. She cant believe he would partake in this sort of behaviour and thinks he is an isolated old man who has got too caught him in the latest gossip. Its no excuse though, is it? Still fuming.

I'm not surprised you're fuming. I think you're brilliant. A great ally for your cousin.

Your dad is unable to process it, as it is too close to home. It's no excuse though.

^This is between two people and only they know what happened.

Yourself and your family falling out over their already tragic past won't help your cousin. People will have their own views and you won't change then.

Just stop talking to them about it and move on.^

aka Brush It Under The Carpet and Why Dig Up The Past and I'm Sure It Wasn't Like That Really. Next cousin to She Probably Brought it On Herself.

What a disgusting attitude.

Well done OP for standing up and being counted. Unbelievable that your father condones it. Unless, given that he usually stands out against abuse, it's simply shock and horror and he'll come to his senses once it's sunk in?

I don't know the name of this in psychology but it's when something that happens so catastrophic that one suffers in shock and becomes in a state of denial as their only means to cope. I like to think that this is the reason why our families chooses to deny or refuse to speak about it.

But then I think it's utter bullshit. We're all consenting adults. We can debate safely here amongst ourselves as adults without the threat of some dickhead trying to sexually molest us. We have nothing to be fearful - especially your dad OP so why doesn't he just own up about this dodgy cousin of yours? Unless, your dad knows more than he actually does?

It is not at all about brushing anything under the carpet and moving on. This happened to the posters cousin not her. The victim and her close family have enough to deal with. As does the blokes close family. Why does the poster have to drag her lot into it as well.

You hate there attitude to all this but are you going to let what happened destroy your own family. You won't change how they think so just stop talking to them about it. Tell them if need be "I am not willing to discuss this with any of you. Please don't talk to me about x or y anymore".

This will destroyed your family to if you let it.

Support your cousin but don't start more trouble she doesn't need that.

Cookie so know her dad was in on it all along or are you saying he helped out?

Now not know