Fuming and about to cut off huge chunk of family! *trigger*

[MumBoots]

I come from a large family (lots of cousins, aunts and uncles etc).

Recently, one of my cousins confided in me that she had pressed charges against another cousin for sexually abusing her as a child (when he was 16/17). It was about to go to court and the wider family were about to find out, so she wanted to tell me before that happened. She is a lovely woman now in her late thirties and a mother herself.

I am not close to the cousin who abused her, hardly know him at all, but he is in his forties, married with kids, and pretty tight with my dad . Obviously it is really awful to think back on times we were around him as kids, times other children in the family have been around him, all the what ifs and not knowing, and the realisation that he is a paedophile .

I said I would support my cousin (the female one) in any way possible and that I believed her and hoped he would be brought to justice. We have been in contact via text through the court case and I have been supportive. Just so sad for her that she went through this and think she is immensely brave for pursuing it now.

While the court case was going on, none of the rest of the family seemed to get involved (although all knew what was happening). They all live in another country to me (where my family are originally from), so I wouldn't have had much contact with them anyway. But all seemed quiet and people seemed to be staying out of it, with the exception of her immediate family (supportive of her) and his immediate family (supportive of him).

Anyway, he was found guilty and sentenced (prison sentence) a couple of weeks ago. My cousin texted to say how relieved she was and that she was looking forward to moving on with her life now. I was happy for her (if you can be happy about this sort of thing) and proud of her strength throughout this.

I have just spoken to my dad on the phone and am so fucking outraged and disappointed. He was questioning her version of events and telling me everything the rest of the family is saying. One uncle saying she was promiscuous in her youth, another aunty has cut her and her siblings/parents off completely for their 'lies', some family members saying she is after money and compensation. A whole vicious, nasty web of lies and rumour and absolute bullshit from half of my family, basically. I just feel so let down on my cousin's behalf. That fucker abused her when she was a little girl, 5 yrs old, and has been sent to prison for it, yet half of my large and supoosedly bloody Christian family are defending him and making up all sorts of shit stories about my cousin. Including my own father, who I thought better of.

I started defending her to my dad, saying this was the oldest trick in the book to discredit a woman coming forward to report sexual abuse and that this is why more people don't report rape or child abuse. But then I just lost the will and felt so outraged I slammed the phone down.

Dont know where to go from here. My cousin is moving on with her life and I am not going to trouble her with their petty, nasty gossip...but it has made me question these people that are my so-called family. Arseholes!

I'd be asking my father what he'd think if it was me.

AFAIK, it is very common for abused young to become sexually promiscuous in their teens. I'd insist he reads about sexual abuse.
And even if she was promiscuous, it still didn't mean he didn't abuse her.

I have challenged the views and will continue to challenge them. Thats not in question at all.

My father wasn't 'in on it'! What an assumption to make. My father was living in London with his family (us) when this all happened (in the early 1980s). He hadn't seen this nephew of his in many years until he went back to Ireland a few years back.

Of course, Lweji. I have said all this. Its a preposterous and offensive thing to say and I cannot believe the uncle that said this. He has always been the most placid, kindly man. It just goes to show how ugly some people are beneath their facade. Very sad about it. But more than sad - angry.

OP, you need to point out to your father that your cousin's version of events has been before a jury of 12 who have decided beyond reasonable doubt that the accused was guilty. That means that they have seen all the documentary evidence, have seen and heard all the witnesses, and in particular have seen your female cousin being cross examined very very rigorously by the male cousin's barrister. I'm sure that the barrister will have done his utmost to bring out all the points that the uncles and aunts are making, but the jury was still absolutely sure that the male cousin was guilty. It is just ludicrous for someone like your father who wasn't in court to start saying that the jury could be wrong.

Maybe if you can convince him, he'll have some influence on the other relatives.

Trust me I have a very good first hand understanding of abuse. However that is not up for debate here.

What the poster is willing to do is let this explode into pointless arguemnets with her family. Like someone has said in time people may change their opinions but she will only course alot of hurt for herself and others with her current they must think as I do approach.

I know you have no intention of listening but supporting your cousin has little to do with this.

We have a whole load of people on this site that really do understand and some that will tell you to stop your children seeing there family until they agree with you. Your choice make a horrid situation worse or not let this ruin your family.

Thanks, JustTheRight - didnt mean to sound so snippy.

4boys, the only person I want to argue my point with is my father. I am close to him and this will come between us if I cannot at least try to make him see how wrong he is.

The rest of them can go to hell, quite frankly, and I wouldnt leave my children with any of those who have expressed this view (not that I would have anyway, as we don't have that sort of relationship). How could I trust people around my children who accuse the child (as she was) of lying about being abused? It stinks.

My cousin is pretty oblivious to all this as far as I know. My heart aches for her and he she might feel if she finds out (or when she finds out) what these arseholes are saying.

*how she might feel

4boys explode into a pointless argument? No I don't think so. Not pointless at all. No argument here, the outcome of the courtcase has decided that. What I'm saying is that not to speak about this at all in the family, to not acknowledge the crime, is to minimise the crime against the victim and to minimise their suffering.

How can anyone learn or heal if we don't acknowledge and try to understand what has happened in the past?

It's about living and agreeing to a moral compass. That child abuse is unacceptable - no matter if its in your family or not.

I wouldn't let my children have any sort of relationship with those who try to cover up rapists and child abusers.

Christ, 4boys. What do you put first? The truth or simply trying to smooth over evil?

My DC was abused by her uncle. Her other uncle (let's call him Y) refuses to acknowledge the crime or get drawn into the debate. Even though uncle has been convicted. Can I just say that I REFUSE to leave my DC with uncle Y since I cannot trust he understands the severity and risk of child abuse. Precisely because of his neutrality.

How can anyone remain neutral about child abuse?

It beggars belief.

winky sadly, a lot of people do have relationships with abusers within extremely close circles of family contact. The uncle in my family was also convicted of hundreds of child pornography and indecent assault. Yes in this uncles family, their are nephews and neices that have close contact with him all the time. And their parents think it's absolutely fine. I kid you not. They refuse to believe because it's their uncle and nothing has happened to their child.

They refuse to believe because it's their uncle and nothing has happened to their child.

I would be telling the police and broadcasting to EVERYONE if I knew of such a person.

I couldn't care less if they were family or the King of Siam.

I am staggered by those creepy enablers who believe family relations are more important than preventing the fucking of children.

All that is required for evil to flourish is for good people to say nothing.

Would you challenge racism? Sexism? Tacit approval of child molestation?
Cognitive dissonance is a powerful psychological protection mechanism - it enables us to justify our own unethical actions, by victim-blaming, or minimising the reality of the impact our cowardly choices have.
Well done OP - your cousin is lucky to have you. Stand firm in your position but give your family time. Once they process their actions fully, they may regret them.

Sunshine this is not a psychological arguement. This is a real family. Each person will have different reasons for their choices and actions. There is no one size fits all psychology of this.

This has been to court. What on earth are you telling the police about. Why would you broadcast it? So even more people get hurt by being the family of the bloke. The whole look there they where bet they knew / maybe they are all at it.

I am very glad the cousin is unaware of any doubt about her. Long may that last.

If you are trying to say that I mean hush it all up and abuse should not be talked about, well that is up to you. This poster is talking about stopping contact with a section of her family. What I am doing is giving her a alternative option. Of course that only works if she feels that her children are in no harm and they are not all now abusers or would put her children in danger.

Only you know your family and I understand with the rest events you may now feel you don't. Just don't let something like this impact your lives more than it has too. Else the evil as one poster calls it really has done its job.

(Sorry didn't mean to turn it into a rather odd debate but been to hell and back again. So when I see some 'advice' it gets to me. I will duck out of this now before I get call every name under the sun or is that in the Sun)

The point is 4Boys - I wont associate with child abuse apologizers. Its just not even an issue for me.

If those in my family who hold these views choose to stay in contact with my abusive cousin, thats their choice. He will never see me again, but I respect their right to make their own decisions. If they were to say 'we accept what he has done, we condemn it, but we cant turn our backs on him' - fine. Their choice.

But they are not just saying this. They are blaming my cousin who was abused, calling her names and casting her as a liar. She was five years old when he abused her. FIVE. And they find it acceptable to talk about her 'promiscuity' and call her a money-grabber etc?!

I cannot have any kind of relationship with people like that.

mumboots extremely well articulated and an accurate description of what has happened (in our family too).

Thanks be for people like you, Mumboots.