Living together Trial and I am anxious

[Lifeisforlivingkatie]

My boyfriend of 3 years and I agreed to try living together for a few weeks after our summer holiday. We go away this weeken for two weeks. I have two children and we have been on 4 no days with kids already. He has never married or lived with anyone since Uni. We are both late 30s. Up until now he stays 4-5 nights with us including all weekend. He is the most loving man.

For some reason he was hesitate to move in fully, so I raised the subject a few weeks ago to say we should take the next step or consider splitting up. He lived things as they are getting the best of both worlds and was concerned about ruining our relationship by becoming too relaxed and losing our inviduality and hobby time. He went to boarding school at 7. Family not close like mine.

Anyway we agreed to try living together as we both want our relationship. Now I the time is approaching and I am feeling a little anxious. We went and ordered our bed this weekend to be delivered when we get back from holiday. Our first joint purchase. He said he is looking forward to Sunday mornings in our new bed.

This weekend he asked me what would impress me more a diamond or him building me a bike from scratch (he loves cycling) maybe I would get you both he said. My friends think its crazy to try living with someone he should be begging to marry me apparently. Please share your thoughts and experiences. Did you all have grand romantic proposals?

Apart from the above he is very romatic and has bought jewellery on every birthday/Christmas. Dinners and flowers too.

How old are your children and why are you putting them through this experiment?

He was virtually living there full time but you both had your own space and independence!!! Why were you so desperate to change that?
Living together full time, with no outlet of another home, plus the extra pressure of having children could be the kiss of death especially as you put the ultimatum on the decision that you would need to split up if he did not concede to living with you.
I think you are being quite influenced by your friends opinions at the moment. Why should be be begging to marry you? He is a young man who does not have the tie of children but he has taken you on with your two children so i personally think it's you who should be feeling very fortunate at the moment because I am sure that his life would have been a lot easier if he had chosen a woman without children.
He is a loving man as you say. That really counts for so much. Why on earth are you looking for grand romantic gestures.? You need to be concentrating on the possible difficulties that lie ahead now that family structure has been officially changed.

Haven't you written about this guy before? If a few weeks is shorter than a month, then it isn't really enough of a trial. It is short enough for everyone to still be on their best behaviour.

If you have posted about this guy recently and you are who I think you are, then your friends are talking out of their arses. If this man makes you feel valued and is respectful then what is more romantic than that? Considering you have just agreed to a trial of living together, marriage seems premature. How do you feel about getting married? Is it something you want or is it something that you think you should want? You have kids to consider and the pace at which your relationship develops, is for you and your man to determine.

Enjoy your time to together.

Thank you so much, yes I have posted before, yes he virtually lives here and yes we had a bit of space on the other hand, I am a bit old school, having to homes felt a bit like we still had some way to go to become a solid couple. My eldest is off to Uni later this year and my youngest is in prep school. They all get on, I did infact suggest waiting until eldest went to Uni but he said he wanted to try it now. Thank Isetan

. I agree my friends views are a bit ... He is going from never lived with anyone to 3 years with me and kids. It's a massive transition that's why I have been ok with taking things a little slower than most.even though if it was left to me I would have moved in last year. I don't want to get married legally to protect my kids inheritance, not that I don't trust him, but I am devorced so these things can happen. I have told him I don't want a legal marriage I just want us to live together.

I agree if he had a woman without kids it may have been different for him,but he evidently he did not find one who made him happy. He gets a lot out of my kids too. He does family things with us, comes to school events etc. he enjoys teaching the kids stuff.

What are you feeling anxious about?

I think you live in a different world to me.

Not quite sure what a few weeks living together is going to indicate. You both know it is a trial so I can't see how this will help you both relax into a new living arrangement. You say he is at yours most nights anyway. What if is doesn't work.... Are you both prepared to split up? It all sounds a bit strange to be honest. Either commit to taking the next step of moving in together or go your separate ways.

I feeling anxious because our relationship is very happy and that he may find the lack of evenings to himself a loss. You know when something works and you worry that changing it may damage it. On the other hand living in two homes whilst he spends a lot of time at mine is unnecessary, not that we need the money but paying for a place one does not need is also not very clever.

Hello Cantbelieve is happening, mmm what will it achieve??? Maybe show us/ him that you can live together and still keep your hobbies and outside Interests, show me that living together apart is actually a workable romantic notion. Show me that despite devorced I can fully commit, I don't really know why we both a trial was a good idea at the time of our discussion but we agreed to it.

I think you do need 2 places atm, and possibly forever.

Knowing he can 'escape' seems to work for him, and if there is a crisis of some sort where you really need him on board but he sneaks off to his place then you have your answer and solution all rolled into one.

He really is there for me when I have a crisis be it at work or at home.he will drop everything in those situations.

I feeling anxious because our relationship is very happy and that he may find the lack of evenings to himself a loss.

But you gave him the ultimatum, "move in or I dump you" and apparently just because of what your friends think.

Both his and your reservations are totally understandable and I think a trial is a good idea but a few weeks isn't long enought. If he owns his own home, could he let it out on a short term basis? Given both your reservations, him permanently giving up his home at this stage is not wise. It sounds like the opinions of your friends have spooked you a little.

Have you got enough space to give him (and you?) a den or study to escape to? Maybe separate bedrooms - works for some!

Was it your friends who made you think he should be moving in, or did you really want it too and are just having second thoughts now it's real? It's just a trial: what happens if you see that it worked better apart? Is that a deal-breaker or is there a Plan B?

You're both old enough, and you're experienced enough to realise that "married couple and 2 kids living forever in their house" is not the only model around. Maybe your friends haven't quite got to that point yet?!

Your original set up sounds perfect to me, and just what I'd want.

You've been together for 3 years, he's been virtually living with you anyway, you have two children and you think you're moving 'slower than most'. I think you live in a different world to me, too!

By slower than most, I am referring to some couples who meet and have joint homes/mortgages in a matter of weeks I am suee i saw thread on here for couples Who just Knew!!! One of my friends moved in with her boyfriend within a month, apparently when you know you know. We thought we would enjoy what we had for a while.

I am sure they are people on her who lived together or married in less than the 3 years. Thanks Isetan. We do have two living rooms in a town house and a spare room. Perhaps he could me a den. He is on about building bikes for us so he could do that there.

But those couples aren't "most" and are these people still rushing into living together within a month when there are children involved?

Of course there are people who lived together and married within 3 years, but generally not those who already have children.

I still think that your original set up is perfect and ideal when you have children who need to be considered. And I can say that because I have children, I have a boyfriend who doesn't and I can't imagine ever wanting to live with anyone, not until the children have left home. Your set up is exactly what I'd be aiming for.

Especially if I wasn't 100% sure it was the right thing to do and was calling it a trial. And so you don't "just know". You're having doubts. You said so in your thread title.

I think you should give it a go and see what happens. If you don't try, will you always be wondering what if..? I agree that a month is too short to really know how it'd work out, but maybe you can say you'll review the situation regularly for the next six months or so and see? Also, if it ends up that you are happiest each with your own home bases, then that doesn't mean you have to split up. That's a perfectly legitimate way to run a relationship.

I think your attitude is very sensible. Your friends may be caught up in the romance of your situation and may be projecting their wishes on to you. I'd ignore them if I were you, this is your relationship not theirs.

You don't have to live together to be a couple. I have a lovely do, we are both divorced, but I will never live with anyone again. He knows that and it makes no difference to what we do. Moving in isn't necessarily "the next step", marriage certainly isn't. I think your friends are thinking about what society expects rather than what is best for you as a family, and anyway who cares what they think? If you two and your children are happy then it is no one else's business!

I do also think you gave him an ultimatum because of what your friends think and can understand your anxiety. You could well argue that you don't really know someone until you have lived with them for several years, and therefore what does a few weeks prove? I think you should have an honest talk with him before things move any further. He sounds nice and reasonable!

Don't most couples get to the point where they want to live together? We did, and judging by the number of couples who do live together I'd say it is quite normal. Is he planning on keeping his own home while you have your trial? Does he own his own place too?

Thank you for your constructive comments, he did ask me how long was a good try and I said a few weeks. I only said that because I am confident we get on well and I wanted to make the transition gently for everyone. My kids both like him a lot, infact they too have been asking why he doest live here permanently. We are going on holiday together and we do so twice a year so I know my kids are happy and ready.

I think you are right about some of my close friends one met her husband at 19 and they moved in together as students with nothing to lose. The other is in her 30's and moved in with a guy in the first month. Sorry to mention this is the 4 th man she has lived with and has been a victim of serous domestic violence in her last relationship. The current man was living with his mother when they met. He earns little money saying although he is a Uni graduate he cannot earn to his potential because he is waiting for a payout from from the NHS who allegedly neglected him after operating on his brain.

You've had previous threads about this, and the general advice has been to stop listening to your friends and respect your partner's wishes ('cos he sounds like a Good One and you have a Good Arrangement). It sounds as though you've just wore him down.

It's a bit mean to say I wore him down, the arrangement worked for him but not for me, we discussed and agreed to try another way. I am anxious, yes I am it's a big step for him.