Thinking about cheating

[xtyf]

hi everyone,I'd like to get advice on this.

I met my hubby when I was 17 and we got married when I was 19.I'm now 28 and he is 32.

He was my first time (sex) and he is the only one I have ever slept with.

The last 2 years I have been thinking about cheating on him because I feel now that I want to try and have a different sexual experience with someone else.

My hubby had several experiences before we met so I feel like he can compare.

This is tearing me apart because I love him and we got 2 kids.

Does this make me a bad person!

Apparently it's okay as long as you cheat on someone who lives abroad

@fairenuff, we had an honest chat and I told him how I felt. And yes I suggested an open relationship which is a big no for him.

So you know then that this a deal breaker for him. There is no 'it just happened', he has made it crystal clear that he doesn't want an open relationship and if he found out you cheated it would be over.

That means that to cheat on him you would be taking a gamble. You need to balance the risk against the gain. There is no guarantee that he won't find out so, assuming that he does find out, are you prepared to lose him?

If the answer is no, then the gain isn't worth the risk. If the answer is yes, then you should think about separating.

I'm with my DH since I was 17 also - we are both each other's one and only. Sex with another man, with whom you are not in love with, would not be good sex - it would be mechanical and awkward. So you are not missing out on anything special in that regard.

On the other hand, sex with someone you are in love with, is the amazing level of sex. You already have that with your DH.

You say you love your DH but why are you discontent ? Do you have feelings for someone else ?

If you were able to communicate enough to bring up the cheating/curiousity/open relationship, I would think there would be enough communication there to bring up wanting to change things up a little with DH. And you've already set the ground work really. You've mentioned wanting to try new things, now you can make it about wanting to try new things with him.

Honestly, having had a very decent share of one night stands, they absolutely never compare with having sex with someone you're in a relationship with/care about/love. Apart from the fact that usually the person you're sleeping with doesn't really care too much if you like/love it and it's more an "every man for himself" kind of deal, having sex with someone you care about is much more pleasing than a random "hey, he looked good in that shirt after I'd had 3 glasses of wine." (Obviously this is just my opinion, but I did see someone say something similar further up.)

Is it really just the curiousity about the sex that's driving you to consider this? Or is it being with someone else entirely, or a whole string of "what ifs"?

Sylvana - so sex with people you aren't in love with is mechanical and awkward is it?

And you tell us this based upon your massive experiences? No.... so perhaps you opinions on this matter might not be accurate and therefore shouldn't be stated as fact.

OP; I've said this before, people really shouldn't marry under 25 at the earliest, at 19 we are still kids really. As for your problem, it is possible to have extra marital sex and no one else learn about it, see the ''secrets we can't tell'' thread, but do be careful. Good luck xx

Eekaman OP; I've said this before, people really shouldn't marry under 25 at the earliest

That's really great advice. If you could just provide OP with the necessary time machine...

OP, yes, of course it's possible to have extra marital sex and no else learn about it (and do be careful), but what you have to do is decide if you are willing to risk your marriage.

If you are, great, go for it and don't blame anyone else when/if it goes tits up, see "numerous threads".

In my experience sex is better with someone you love. Ultimately I expect there's more going wrong here than your sex life, could this be about feeling desired too? Maybe you could spice things up a bit?
If you find out sex is more fun with someone else your marriage will no doubt end anyway and if it's crap you will feel bad/ashamed etc and regret it so I think this is a case of the grass is greener on the other side.

Why not try swinging or threesome?

Because her dh has already said he's not into that broody.

Of course sex is better with someone you love, but sex with a randomer can be totally mind blowing too, that shouldn't be denied especially by people who have had no experience of it. You're in a tricky place OP, and I'm afraid I agree with the poster above who said this is part of the deal you make when you marry so young, and certainly was a huge reason why I didn't marry my first boyfriend thank god. You have to decide whether you want to put your marriage on the line for what is, at the end of the day, only a fuck, no matter how good it is. But if you're bored at 28, then I think the chances of your marriage going the distance are pretty slim anyway to be honest. FWIW I've been with my husband since I was 22, 23 years and not bored with him at all, but I'm glad a sowed I lot of wild oats when I was young because , believe me, there are a lot of frogs out there and not many princes!

Well... I think he has presented you with two options:

• you stay and forget about faring with someone else
• you follow your fantasies and forget about him.

Frankly. There is too oo much at a stake for a fantasy (you may even find out that, actually, your exh was good in bed but he wouldn't be there for you when you want to to come back.

You know, thinking of that, A very good friend of mine, who heard me complain about my husband for years, one day asked me "how would you feel if someone told you he was having an affair?" The first thought that came to my mind was "relieved, at least he would leave me alone for a while". I realised there and then that the marriage was over. We had fallen out of love.

Wonder if it is the case that something similar is happening to you. Perhaps the question is not about whether you should shag someone else, but whether you would like to work in saving your marriage or start preparing to leave it.

I'm only 28 and got married really young, sometimes I wished I had experienced more and had fun etc before getting married. Anybody in the same situation? Lost their virginity to their husband?!

15 when we met, 20 (he was 26) when we married. Just celebrated 20yrs anniversary.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to 'try' someone different. But then I remember all the reasons I haven't! My dh & I have grown up together & have worked out what each other likes through the years! It works for us, because we work at it & don't let it go stale.

Is there something missing in your life that you feel the only way to feel fulfilled is to have sex with someone else?

When you've been with someone for 10 years+, it's like a routine IMO.

• Sex is so predictable, DH likes to have sex on Thursdays!

-DH is not romantic at all

-Never/Hardly ever compliments, doesn't even notice if I get a new hairstyle!

I just want to feel desired again I guess

Okay OP. I get that you probably have a very rose tinted view on these things, since you met your partner so young. So here are two posts: the reality of guys out there, finding them, and other things. The second post is about your specific situation.

From what you said above (No romance!!) You are expecting to find some gorgeous hunk of man who will know exactly what he's doing, and will screw you on a bed covered in rose petals whilst telling you how beautiful you are...etc..etc...he will do things you never dreamed of...etc...etc.....

Let's be honest with you. This is never going to happen. Like, EVER.

Here is the cold harsh reality.

You will spend ages trying to find someone to sleep with that is, at least not unattractive. Or who doesn't make your skin crawl for some reason you can't put your finger on. Or maybe you will look for one night stand ads on craigslist, and quickly realise that it's full of the sort of men who like to send unsolicited pictures of their dicks, who rite lk dis cos dey r so fking cool dat speling iznt dere ting yeah, who call you a fking bitch or a whore if you don't automatically respond in kind to their explicit messages, and who are - in essence - misogynistic pricks who you shouldn't go near with a barge pole.

So maybe you will try in a bar. There - unless you are happy to shag some fucking creepy guy who starts rubbing himself on you the second you start dancing (why is there always one?) - you have to navigate the tricky and awkward conversational maze which is the game of "do they like me? I have to make it clear I like them without being creepy. Is he single? How do I tell him I want to sleep with him without him thinking I'm weird".

Normally people (men and women) try and make this conversational maze less awkward through the use of booze. Suddenly, you are less concerned about him thinking that you are insane, and are compelled to talk about your undying love for Abba, and dragging him onto the dance floor.

So let's say you do get to go home with a man. Then you have to hope he isn't the sort of man who will try and "get away" with having sex without a condom. You might have to - forcefully - insist that he use one. You might have to have brought them with you in advance.

At which point you might get into bed. Both of you quite drunk, with no idea of what the other person likes. He probably wasn't expecting guests and his flat is a mess, or there's a weird smell coming from somewhere, or his flatmate Joe-Bob is grinning at you when you arrive.

He rolls on top of you, and - since it's a one night stand - has really no need to be an unselfish lover. He does what he feels like, you will be lying there thinking "is this really it? Is this what I have been "missing"?"

And that's it.

That's glossing over the unlikely but still possible scenario where you go home with a complete stranger and they turn out to be a rapist or axe murderer.

I'm not going to say that every single one night stand is like this. I'm sure there are a minority which go well.

Blimey Kaykayblue, you sound like you've had some really shit one night stands! I had a few like that but I also had some amazing ones. Probably I'm not being helpful on this thread though.

You really need to weigh up what yo have to gain versus what you have to lose.

You have everything to lose, and the tiny glimmer of possibility that you might find a good lay. Is that worth breaking up your family for?

In all honesty, you might have been young when you got married, but you presumably weren't an idiot. You made a legal commitment and a social vow in front of your friends and family to take no other man.

If you are feeling unvalued in your relationship, then that is something you need to address within your relationship. Your husband knows that you are unhappy - otherwise you wouldn't have asked him for an open marriage. It would be much healthier for you and your husband to sit down and discuss how you are feeling - without talking about sleeping around with others.

Do you want him to compliment you more? Tell him that. Do you ever compliment him? If not, that's kind of hypocritical. If sex is too regimented, tell him you need to mix things up a bit. Get someone to take the kids one night and ask him to come home early. Put some effort into candles, music, underwear...whatever. Agree that once a week the other person has to arrange a "date night" which can't involve anything in your normal day to day routines.

Throw a party with adult friends and have fun drinking and chatting then fall into bed together. Initiate more affection during the week that doesn't necessarily end up in sex.

Go to couple's counselling.

Whatever - there are a thousand ways you could improve this situation, none of which involve cheating on your spouse.

Here is another grain of truth that other's have pointed out - if sex feels good, then it is good sex. If it feels bad or awkward, then it is bad sex.

Glastokitty - lol, that wasn't a recount of any one night stands that I've had. That was basically a summary of all the dating experiences of friends throughout the years, including some friends who are still looking for someone and the amount of shit they are having to wade through. It's also taken from my experiences of being in bars when I was single, looking for someone interesting - even just to get to know a little, and having to fend off the waves of absolutely disgusting men without ever finding someone who was attractive, interesting...and single.

It's more of a collective recount of lots of people's experiences. Life is not sex and the city....

I've only slept with my DH. I was a late starter and we got together when I was 21.

I've sometimes wondered what it would be like, fantasised about David Tennant other men (only when being self-sufficient though, never when with my DH). All in my head, never acted on it, never wanted to. I'm sure I could find great sex, maybe even better sex (although my DH is unselfish, v open-minded and happy to experiment, almost always leaves me completely satisfied so maybe not) with someone else, but it wouldn't be worth risking everything else that makes up our relationship so I keep it as strictly fantasy for solo pleasure moments.

If it's literally just sex you're wondering about, then take the good advice above as to how to spice up your current love life or try new things with your partner. If it goes beyond that, then you have more important issues in your relationship to consider.

I agree with Kayakblue, it is not easy to find Mr Hunk out here and probably when you find him he wouldn't be interested in you. It is a world of compromises.

If you just want a discrete shag on the side you can subscribe to a site for married people looking for extramarital sex but be aware that your DH will notice and your relationship will get damaged, or, that you fall in love with a guy who only wanted you for a ONS.

Both situations would have serious repercussions in your family life. He has said clearly he doesn't want an open marriage so is either about accepting you are not going to have it or leaving him to go in the search of finding a more satisfactory relationship.

(Or get both of you on Relate to find out how did you ended up in this conodundrum)

Just for the record, it is not weird or strange to fantasise about other men, it is normal, whether you married at 12 or 45.

xtyf i was were you are now.DH and i got together i was 20.ok i had had a couple of Bfs but after 18yrs i wondered what it would be like with someone else.We were also very short of money and life was a dull hand to mouth existence.
Curiosity got the better of me made worse by the fact DH had cheated on me in the early yrs and had said he wasnt in a position to say much if he found out i had cheated.
i went ahead and slept with a guy.It wasnt that great TBH.But we carried on seeing each other and the sex was amazing.He was single and over 2 yrs ( my hubs knew about it) we fell in love.I even had some money set aside so i could leave DH.The thing is unless you want to split your kids from their Dad and i didnt you will get heartbreak on all sides.Luckily i came to my senses and decided the kids happiness was paramount my feelings would come last.we kept the family together.That is what you need to consider more than anything,would you want to split the family up.? Talk to DH and tell him he needs to pay you more attention.Life isnt always easy is it.Maybe some people marry people that do pay them attention, and go places with them but some of us are quite lonely or taken for granted but looking elsewhere is not the answer.

I met my DH at university when we were both teenagers having only had 1 (him) and 2 (me) previous partners. We married at 26 and have been happy with three DC. It's perfectly normal to be curious and imagine some variety. While our sex life is good, it's much less frequent than it used to be. I found that my libido went through the roof after I got seriously into exercise and fitness in my 40's whereas DH has gone for pipe (almost) and slippers.

I'm lucky that he is not the jealous type and I have been able to find some extra fun.. With him almost turning a blind eye. But I realise OP your husband wouldn't be able to accept this.

TBH sometimes I just wished hé would cheat on me first so I would have an excuse for doing it as well

xtyf - okay, I hadn't realised that you were that far gone in your relationship.

Just break up with your husband.

If you are this desperate to shag around, then there is literally no point staying married. It would be much more respectful to leave now, before you fall across someone you could have an affair with, and end up sleeping with them.

If you know the relationship is dead (and I think your last comment shows that it really is), then there's no point staying.

You can't have your cake and eat it too - if you want the single life (which you are going to be SERIOUSLY disappointed with by the way), then you can't have your home creature comforts at the same time.

There's no shame in leaving a marriage if you are this unhappy in it.

There is a truck load of shame in having affairs though. So split now, so you are free to pursue these fictional gorgeous, romantic men who are shit hot in bed.