Kicked out of sisters wedding for being pregnant

[chloe78]

I am 38 weeks pregnant and am under alot of pressure from my parents to make amends with my sister over an incident that happened when I was ten weeks pregnant. This is my first pregnancy and my sister was getting married earlier this year. I would have been 12 weeks had I been in the bridal party. I had no intention of telling anyone about my pregnancy until two weeks after her wedding. I was to be maid of honour. I went down to visit two weeks before the wedding and she asked me straight out if I was pregnant. She said she just had a feeling. I told her yes and she was really excited. I explained that I hadn't intended on telling anyone until after the wedding but she insisted that I tell the family. We then went shopping for baby clothes together. That night i tried on the dress and it fitted although it was a bit tight across the bust. it was fine though. My father was very excited as was my brother. My mum didn't say anything. The next morning my sister wasn't talking to me, insisiting that I had ruined her wedding because in two weeks time I wouldn't fit the dress. I explained that at only twelve weeks I should be fine but I was happy to get the dress altered but she wouldn't listen. My mum also wasn't talking very much. I travelled back home, I live an hour away, and I recieved a phonecall from my mum asking me in a very angry way to promise to eat nothing but fruit for the next two weeks so that I wouldn't get to fat. Then my sister left a message on my phone explaining that as I had deliberately got pregnant to steal the thunder from her I was no longer a part of her wedding! She claimed that I deliberately told the family so that I would be the center of attention, even though it was her idea!

I have such a different view of what a wedding is about and I don't know how we are even related. When I got married I wouldn't have cared less if she were pregnant, as long as I had my sister in my wedding.

So I no longer have contact with my sister. I can't move past what she did. But I know it has torn my family apart. She lives with my parents so it is difficult to visit them. I have managed to rebuild a bit of a relationship with my mother who admits she was under alot of stress at the time although I am still very aprehensive around her. This is the first grandchild and dad wants everything to go back the way it was. I am sad at losing the relationship I had with my sister and I know she would love to be an aunty but there is still so much hurt. And guilt as well now because I wont do what my dad wants.

Did I over react? Am I selfish for getting pregnant? It was planned. Should I pretend everything is ok now for the sake of the family or should I continue the way things are, building a healthy relationship with other people who care about me.

Oh poor you chloe, your sister really had her Bridezilla head on didn't she?

I really can't understand why your parents are pressurizing you to make amends with your sister - it should be her that comes to you (though I guess she is refusing to do so, hence why you are being expected to make the first move?)I get the feeling there is a lot of embarrassment about the whole situation and no-one knows how to resolve it except by pointing the finger at you.

It shouldn't be up to you. But if you can be the bigger person, I would suggest you write your sister a letter. Say that you are sorry that she was upset about the pregnancy, and that you would like your relationship to go back to what it was before. Tell her she will be a great auntie and you would like her to meet the new baby when it comes as soon as possible. Don't take the blame for the situation, but don't blame her either - just focus on moving on.

Then call your mum and read out the letter to her, so she knows exactly what it says. Then send it to your sister. If she is not prepared to accept the proffered olive branch, then your mum can help to smooth things over.

HTH!

No you didn't over react. No your are not selfish. No don't pretend everything is ok.
If the family want you to be part of them again then they need to accept that they were wrong for they way they treated you at your sisters wedding.
You and your sister need to talk things through and she need to understand how much she hurt you, you cannot gloss over things it will only make it worse in the long run.
Do what you feel is right for you and your family.

How horrible for you

At my wedding, my DH & his brother fell out for many various reaons

• turning up late
• buying booze from the shop as they didn't want to pay the prices of the place we were having the reception
• stealing from behind the bar
• wearing a tee shirt that said "if you dont believe in oral sex, close your mouth"
• smoking dope despite being asked not to for one evening
• screaming and shouting at us before we left due to not being able to find a certain song with the DJ

DH was seriously annoyed and upset and refused to speak to his brother for a long time. It caused no end of pressure for FIL and eventually we had to be the bigger people and move on because there was no way he'd apologise to us. We'd turn up at places where they'd be (like parties etc) and just ignore the situation. Dh and BIL are talking now, but very limited and they'll never have a brilliant relationship, but for "families sake" it appears to be fine.

In your situation, I feel both posters have given good advice. Talk to you sister, but do not let yourself get into an argument. Or even write it all down in a letter and give it to her, which would put the ball in her court. (try not to be judgemental, just write how you were upset, and dont want to argue with her). If she is still being a bitch, then you will have tried and you can tell your mum to stop pestering you, that you tried to build bridges and she she should tell you sister to get her arse in gere instead.

Once you have spoken to you sister, if she's still not fine with you, still go see your parents. You have the same amount of right to be there, and dont let her jepordize your dc's relationship with her grandparents over her. Turn up, talk to your parents, visit them. If you sis wants to ignore you, let her, you've done your bit.

If your sister is married, why is she living with your parents? Where is her husband?

Is this living arrangement causing some tension, so you are an easy target for her frustrations? How happy is your sister generally - is she jealous of you?

so you planned to try for a baby - big deal !

So you were pregnant at the time - and might not have fitted the dress - big deal !

I am amazed your mum would suggest you potentially jepardise your pregnancy by not eating so that you could fit into a dress .

Seems to me someone here has their priorities all wrong.

But maybe the best approach is to say - ok - we must agree to differ over what happened over the wedding/pregnancy - but we ought to be adult about it now - accept we are family - and be big enough to forget about it. For your dad's sake.

My sister and her husband both live with my parents. They are building a house and are staying there until it is completed. All the advice is great and I have thought about writing a letter but then sometimes the bitterness comes back so strong (like when i wrote the first message)that i doubt whether I could cope with any communication with her. I did see her at my brothers birthday earlier this year. To begin with we pretended that everything was fine but I found it so hard to even say hello. Then after an hour I just had to get away from her because she made me so angry. I sensed she felt the same way. This makes me angry because I don't believe she has any right to be upset about what happened. Perhaps it will get easier with time. Even though I say she would make a great Aunty sometimes I think do I really want someone with values like hers to be an influence in my childs life? I don't think I am ready to move on yet. Perhaps it is my dad who needs to accept this. I assume he is putting the same pressure on my sister.

relax
have the baby.
let them come to see you and the grandchild

babies often help build a lot of bridges.

yippee for you having a baby very soon - how exciting
cant believe that everyone is falling out with you - there loss
what would you do if a friend treated you like this? why do we always feel this huge thing about having a happy family where everyone gets on? i have had some humdinging fights with my sister and my mum - and have gone away and not spoken to them until we all feel that the time has come to move forward - that can be a while sometimes - dont feel too much pressure to have this nice happy family - get on and concentrate on your new family - take time for you, and if and when you feel like making up do it then xxx enjoy your new bundle and keep us posted when it gets here xx

Is it possible she is jealous because you are having the 1st grandchild.

Congratulations btw

good grief your family are insane. Sorry but so insane that I would leave them to come to you. Anything you do is likely to get twisted, or your sister will end up playing some ridiculous vicitm role. Eat nothing but fruit? fgs- you were feeding your mother's grandchild, and she told you not to eat so you'd fit into a dress???

TBH I'd leave it, be polite, but I'd keep away, try and be calm when talking to them and let them come to you. They owe you a huge apology. You are about to have the most amazing thing happpen to you- don't let your ridiculous family spoil it, just tell them they know where you are if they want to come and see you have the baby, but its up to them to build bridges, not you.

I think stitch is right. You don't need to get it all sorted out before the baby's born - you need to focus on yourself right now.

I bet your sister feels mortified at her own behaviour and it's obviously still too recent for both of you. There'll be plenty of time for her to get to know the baby later on.

erm come and see you and the baby - not have the baby!!! That would get your sister going

I think you've had some really good advice so far but I felt I could just add a little bit (hopefully). I'm 38 wks too (with no.2) and I know everything emotional at the moment is just really big and hard to deal with so I think firstly you should give yourself a bit of time until after the baby comes to make any decisions. Secondly when you've had a new baby it's more custom for people to visit you than you go and visit them - let your mum and dad do the journey to see their grandchild, you'll not be in any fit state for travelling anyway. You can tell your dad over the phone that you love him and and really want him to come and if you feel able to extend the invitation to your sister, but make it clear that she has to come to you - this is normal anyway so you really wouldn't be asking anything out of the ordinary from them.

I hope it gets sorted out for you, it's sad for a family to fall apart, but I do think your sister was out of order as was your mum and you deserve some sort of apology. Don't apologise for getting pregnant because that would be apologising for your childs life, not a good not to start on.

good not = good note (sorry!)

I agree, concentrate on having the baby and on yourself and leave the others to it. I am convinced that they will come round once the baby is born. It is NOT up to you to sort this one out, their behaviour was inexcusable. Now go and put your feet up immediately!

Were I you I would do all I could to rebuild relationships with them all, because life is too short to fall out over someone's temporary, wedding-induced insanity.

She was hugely selfish and out of line, in my opinion, so I wouldn't do anything that could possibly be construed as an apology, but I would definitely send out the signal that you would like her to meet her niece or nephew. That way you also keep the moral high ground!

By the way is your Dad also putting pressure on her to come to you. Does he know how you feel? Did you go to the wedding?

While I in no way condone your sisters appalling behaviour, I just want to put a slightly different perspective on it, as I've gone through something similar (but with my SIL, thank goodness, so nowhere near as dreadful for me personally). I think it's all about, as someone said 'Bridezilla' and the feeling that you have stolen her thunder.

In the year that my SIL achieved some pretty amazing things, dh and I totally stole her thunder by producing the family's first grandchild, and she has never got over her bitterness about it. It's never been said outright, but I'm convinced that's what it is, and it poisoned the relationships not just between us and dh's family, but between dh and my family as he couldn't help be jealous at our closeness.

So, although your sister may have been genuinely delighted for your pg at first, she probably was then very distressed that, instead of talking about her wedding, the family were talking about her niece/nephew-to-be. And to make it worse, she brought it upon herself by insisting that you share the news. You acted with great consideration and restraint! She has made her bed and now finds it very uncomfortable to lie in it, but is too proud and ashamed to get out and remake it.

I think the advice to write to her is excellent. Now is the time to rebuild the bridges, it would be much harder once the baby arrives as your head will be elsewhere - and quite rightly so.

But I would also suggest that you show the letter to someone else, not directly involved, before you send it, as your bitterness must not be allowed to flaw the message. Again, no criticism intended, but you say yourself that it's difficult for you to restrain the bitterness. I would suggest Mumsnet as the 'reviewer', but then you do risk getting perhaps too many suggestions!

Wow I can't believe how generous some of you would be in making the first move. You are much nicer people than me. (-:

I would be telling my dad firstly that I would always love him (and the others) but that I was two weeks from giving birth, that most of my pregnacy had been tinged (spelling?) by this and to bog off and let me at least enjoy (is that possible) the last few weeks of pregnancy and the first few weeks of my childs life.

If you family especially your sister and to a degree your mother had any respect for you and gave any sort of consideration for your health, well-being and feelings then they would have made the first move whether they believed they were right or wrong to make you pregnacy as stress free and not upsetting.

I would forget about it as much as possible for the next 3-4 months and enjoy your family unit of you, DH and new baby.

I agree that you have to get on with your impending motherhood and focus on your relationship with your parents. Take your sister to one side and tell her that you aren't going to let this one slide but for your mum and dad's sake you will expect her to be civil and adult when you are around as you will when shes' around.

FWIW, my sister was so jealous of my pregnancies, I now realise with hindsight that she stopped talking to me, blaming it on my "typical bad temper". My sister is adopted and although she has 3 tremendous children that my parents love beyond measure, she is jealous that there is now a bloodline in the family. It's so Medieval.
My mum wants me to go round to her house for dinner when I go back to the UK for a visit next week and I've just said that I'm not going to put myself in an unconstructive situation but I am happy to make my mother happy and go out for dinner with the whole familly,

It seems to be a case of compromise but ground holding, hope you can get the balance right and enjoy your new baby

One reason I think that it would be a good idea to address this before the baby is born - or at least to do something that makes chloe78 feel that she has made a positive step - is to help deal with the rush of emotions after the baby is born.

I remember feeling so gutted by my familyIL's apparent indifference to us and the new baby, and then by the hurtful things they later said to my dh. Had I had any indication that things might be going pear-shaped before the baby was born, then I might have been able to do something about it, to divert the anger before it got so bad. They ripped my dh up with the nasty things they said, and SIL has effectively discarded her only sibling and her only neice and nephew over a matter of hurt feelings that came about purely accidentally.

Family is worth more than hurt feelings.

I could not just fix a smile on my face and pretend everything was OK.

Seeinf as your sister lives with your parents and you are only an hour away then they can visit you until sucha time when your sister apologises for manipulating you to make your announcement before you planned to and then lied about it.

Your sister is being very very unfair and totally out of order. uggghhhhh I loathe weddings and that whole 'everyone look at me, it's all about me, me me me MEEEEEE' thing, gross. I can't believe that you being pregnant isn't being celebrated. If I was lucky enough to have a sister well enough to meet a man and fall pregnant and had some sort of blip and decided I would get married, then I would be the happiest girl in the world that my sister was there with my neice or nephew growing inside her.

How could your sister be so selfish. WTF? The more I think about it the more stunned and appalled I am.

Look it's your family, but I think it would be really sad to cut yourself off from your parents just becasue your mad sister is living there. Do what you'd normally do where your parents are concerned, if you would go there then go, ignore the fact that she lioves there. And when you see her, just be polite, civil and if she throws herself at your feet and apologies for being a tat then great.

Sorry to call her a twat, I know she's your sister and all that, but she has acted terribly.

Congratulations and good luck with the birth.

i really can't believe that your mother told you to eat nothing but fruit when you were pregnant so that you could fit into a stupid dress that could be altered fgs.

You are not at fault in any way. Saying that she was all worked up over the wedding is no excuse - you were trying your best to downplay it at the time so why did she insist on making a song and dance about it. There would have been time for the big announcment after the wedding was over. I think that there might be jealousy involved as others have said. I personally think you should focus on your baby for the next 2 weeks - how much can you really think about anything else atm anyway. The baby arriving will be the perfect excuse for everyone to come and see you and start to make up. You might even find that your bitterness (which I perfectly understand) disappears - once that baby is in your arms nothing else will matter (for a while at least). When you (or your partner) ring your family with the news just drop something in along the lines of 'we'd really love you ALL to come along to meet her/him'. There will be plenty of emotion flying about but in the first few days that will largely be positive.

Good luck.