Kicked out of sisters wedding for being pregnant

[chloe78]

I am 38 weeks pregnant and am under alot of pressure from my parents to make amends with my sister over an incident that happened when I was ten weeks pregnant. This is my first pregnancy and my sister was getting married earlier this year. I would have been 12 weeks had I been in the bridal party. I had no intention of telling anyone about my pregnancy until two weeks after her wedding. I was to be maid of honour. I went down to visit two weeks before the wedding and she asked me straight out if I was pregnant. She said she just had a feeling. I told her yes and she was really excited. I explained that I hadn't intended on telling anyone until after the wedding but she insisted that I tell the family. We then went shopping for baby clothes together. That night i tried on the dress and it fitted although it was a bit tight across the bust. it was fine though. My father was very excited as was my brother. My mum didn't say anything. The next morning my sister wasn't talking to me, insisiting that I had ruined her wedding because in two weeks time I wouldn't fit the dress. I explained that at only twelve weeks I should be fine but I was happy to get the dress altered but she wouldn't listen. My mum also wasn't talking very much. I travelled back home, I live an hour away, and I recieved a phonecall from my mum asking me in a very angry way to promise to eat nothing but fruit for the next two weeks so that I wouldn't get to fat. Then my sister left a message on my phone explaining that as I had deliberately got pregnant to steal the thunder from her I was no longer a part of her wedding! She claimed that I deliberately told the family so that I would be the center of attention, even though it was her idea!

I have such a different view of what a wedding is about and I don't know how we are even related. When I got married I wouldn't have cared less if she were pregnant, as long as I had my sister in my wedding.

So I no longer have contact with my sister. I can't move past what she did. But I know it has torn my family apart. She lives with my parents so it is difficult to visit them. I have managed to rebuild a bit of a relationship with my mother who admits she was under alot of stress at the time although I am still very aprehensive around her. This is the first grandchild and dad wants everything to go back the way it was. I am sad at losing the relationship I had with my sister and I know she would love to be an aunty but there is still so much hurt. And guilt as well now because I wont do what my dad wants.

Did I over react? Am I selfish for getting pregnant? It was planned. Should I pretend everything is ok now for the sake of the family or should I continue the way things are, building a healthy relationship with other people who care about me.

You did not over react. You are not selfish for getting pregnant. She has no right to be upset about what happened.

Your sister told you to tell the family about your pregnancy and then claimed you'd done it deliberately to steal her thunder. She told you she didn't want you as part of your wedding. Your mother told you to starve yourself and your unborn child for two weeks so that you could be sure of fitting into a DRESS. You just can't bounce back from that to things being the way they were. I think you should tell your dad that, that it doesn't mean you are unwilling to have any relationship with your sister and that you are happy to meet her if she wants to meet you but that you are still carrying around a lot of anger towards her over the way you were treated so it will be best to take things slowly.

I had a falling out with one of my brothers several years ago over something he'd done (though not as bad as what your sister's done). We didn't really talk for quite a while (not officially "not talking", but with me thinking "I'm not going to make the effort if he doesn't" and him just dodging the issue). Over time I stopped being angry with him; now I'd say that I've forgiven him but not forgotten. Our relationship isn't what it was, and I'm not sure it ever will be, but we do have a good relationship now. You can't just go back to how things were -- apart from anything else, you've discovered that the relationship you thought you had with your sister was partly a fiction because she did not feel about you in the way that you thought she did. But you can build a new relationship over time, if you want to and if your sister is prepared to put in some effort.

I'd say offer an olive branch -- invite her along with your parents to meet your new baby. But take things slowly and don't push yourself to feel in a particular way.

The only thing that occurs to me as a possible reason (though not excuse) for her behaviour would be if she'd recently had a miscarriage or found that she and her husband were unlikely to be able to have children, or something like that? That's the kind of deep-seated hurt that could lead to someone lashing out at those nearest to them. Is that a possibility at all?

P.S. My brother and I have never actually talked about the Bad Thing he did. We've just been terribly British and ignored it. And still we've managed to move on to a good relationship. I'm pretty sure he knows what he did was wrong, but I'm not sure he'd ever admit it.

..

Let her come to you.. you have done nothing wrong and she knows that

Can't believe what I'm reading. Jimjams is right, your family are bonkers and their priorities completely off the mark. I personally would find it very hard to forgive any of them - what kind of a mother tells her daughter to starve her unborn baby so as not to spoil the wedding pictures?

Is there a history here (i.e your sister being the favourite?) or is this all completely out of the blue?

This thread has brought back (very sad) memories of something me and my sister went through 3 years ago.

My sister was pregnant with her 2nd child, id alreay had a miscarriage the year before and i fell pregnant again, my sister was about 6 months when i found out that i was expecting.

At first she was happy and we shared info etc, but then she started snapping at me and told me that i couldnt possibly be pregnant as my pregnancy test was faint.
So i did another 2 (i cant believe today that i did that) and i even phoned the pregnancy testing company up to clarify and they told me that the line only has to be faint.
She still wouldnt believe me and when i started bleeding at 10 weeks she came with me when i went for a scan for support (or so i thought).
So the Radiologist told me "Im sorry theres nothing viable there" and when i came out of the room to tell her she said "so you never were really pregnant were you"
She then went around telling the rest of the family that i had a phantom pregnancy and people were avoiding me not knowing what to say, it was only my other sister (who had been on holiday when i M/C) spoke to me about it that i found out.

She,d even told friends of mine and DH that i was faking my pregnancy.
I had to confront her about it and she said "I think you thought you were pregnant but that you never really were, dont worry about it.
I told her that i couldnt believe she would do a thing like she had done.

Under pressure from my mum i kept the peace and was with her when she had my niece which was a lovely experience, 9 months later i had DD.
But she,s never ever apologised and i havent ever brought it up, my mum changes the subject when i ever talk about it, im stopping now cos i getting very tearful.
BUt, my way of dealing with a situation like this was to let it lie which i dont think i did the right thing but then when she,d had her baby i was pg with DD so i didnt want any hassle.

Sorry for the long story, but i totally understand what you are going through.

Oh Jenk, what a horrible way to behave. I hope she has grown up since.

Chloe, I'm with Thomcat entirely. You should not have to back down. It will feed your resentment (unless you're a much better person than I am), and will let your sister think that she can continue to treat you like this.
Just carry on as you normally would, and don't let her get in the way of your relationship with your Dad. (And I think you need to talk openly with your mother about how hurt you were by her attitude.)

Thank goodness families are different.
When one of my sisters got married, she asked one of our other sisters to be bridesmaid, she was 5 months pregnant on the day.
She also wanted her best friend as bridesmaid but she would've been 8 months pregnant.
She also asked me, but i was in the early stages of pregnancy and still suffering morning sickness.
We all still laugh about it.

With regards to you, enjoy the last couple of weeks of being pregnant and enjoy your baby.

Your sister was totally wrong in what she did and maybe realises it.

Your mum has already said that she was under pressure with the wedding, maybe your sister should do the same....

I'd say your sister is jealous.

Just send her a birth announcement with a photo.

If she didn't want you to share her special day, why the hell should she share yours?

Jenk, your sister is a cow. If you say you were pg, who is she to tell you you weren't?

My suspician is your mum was the problem but why that should be I haven't a clue.

Sister was excited and happy for you, went shopping for baby clothes and wanted you to tell the family. Db and dad were excited. Initial reactions all positive. Mum said nothing. And then the problems began

And no way can you overlook that comment of your mother's about just eating fruit. Think your mother is somehow jealous of you for having a baby or something weird that like. Think it was she who got your sister all het up.

Steer clear of the lot of them till after the baby is born. YOU are the important person here and don't let anyone ruin this for you. This is your first baby and this particular situation is never coming again so it has to be as good as it gets for you. Withdraw into your nuclear family where you feel safe, gather friends around you and if the clan want to come and be kind and generous, fine. Otherwise you honestly are better off without them for now.

When the baby is there, they'll all turn up. Not sure I would let bygones be bygones here or profer an olive branch yet. What they did was disgraceful and they hurt you very much at a time when you were very very vulnerable. That's not nice, is it?

I agree that it sounds as if it is your Mum who has caused the problem - but why was your S stupid enough to fall for it after her intial excitement?

They treated you very very badly indeed, i don't know what I would do, I would feel very much as JimJams does, I think, but whatever you decide to do, please, please do not think that you were at fault in any way. You were sensitive and thoughtful in not planning to tell anyone until after the wedding, even though you must have been bursting with excitement to tell them! Your family should have been united in joy for you, and they should have supported you - it is monstrous that they maintain this row throughout your first pregnancy. You have done nothing wrong, and everything right.
I'm so sorry you have had this hanging over you - what a horrible thing to happen.

cannot believe what i am reading and no way would i make amends your sister and mum should be ashamed of themselves ffs how bloody petty can anyoneb be we seem to think that familys, have to be part of our lives but sometimes they cause more hassle than they are worth!, if a friend treated u this way u would reject there friendship, so why accept it because they are blood related, yes life is to short, so get on with ur life the rest of ur pregnancy and enjoy ur little one, if they want to play a part then they can attempt to make amends with u and apologgise for their selfish insane behaviour, not eating to fit into a poxy dress whilst in developmental stages of pregnancy not that it would be good at any point but ffs, your sister sounds like a nasty jelouse cow, and personally think ur better off without her, xx

I don't understand how you can just discard family in such a way! Of course the blood tie is important - these are the children's grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins...not to mention your own family. Of course Chloe is 101% blameless here, but it's not about ascribing blame and 'getting justice', it's about re-building the ties between members of a family.

Had I not done something about the situation with my ILs, my children would now have only half a family, and my dh would live with a burden of grief and divisiveness. As it is, SIL still cuts us off (we received a very nasty letter from her just last week - totally unnecessary), but at least we know that we have done our best, and that our children have two sets of grandparents who love them very much and who would both move heaven and earth to help them. That's far more important than justifying or getting apologies.

I don't give a damn about them any more. Their behaviour was disgusting IMO. But my dh's emotional well-being and my children having grandparents is important to me.

i am in absolute shock at the way you have been treated....yes it was a big time in your sisters life getting married, but having your first child is even bigger in my opinion......i think its disgusting that your sister was peeved with you because you wouldnt fit into the dress.how selfish and petty.and what i find worse is that your mother told you to eat nothing but fruit? i mean she may not have meant it literally but to suggest such a thing when you are pregnant??i dont normally post much on here although i think its brill, but this made my blood boil!!!!!! i dont think there are any excuses to be made for them....your sister is jealous pure and simple and sounds like a selfish attention seeker and your mum is evil!! they need their heads banging together.....yes they are your flesh and blood but i would find it hard to forget this....they have some serious making up to do i say.........just focus on your new little one, i had my baby a month ago and its the best thing to ever happen to you....everything will fall into place try not to worry x

Your sister's a nutter. And so is your mother.

Sorry.

You have nothing to make amends about. You are owed a huge apology. They're all mad. Try and ignore them.

Enjoy the baby - not long to go now.

grrrrrrr im so angry for you..........grrr i cant do the angry face icon it wont let me.

Am really, really pissed of for you. How hurtful and unnecessary.

I'm sure this won't be the most popular response, but I would try and switch off to the whole situation until your baby is at least a few weeks old. You're in the latter stages of pregnancy, you must be tired - and you have the birth to think about, and the immediate period after the birth is going to take all of your mental and emotional energy. It's wonderful and very precious time - but it is draining too. I would let your mother and your sister wait - don't waste this time on them. Don't let them spoil it for you.

And whatever rubbish they come out with when you do see them - remember, you were thoughtful, considerate and accommodating. They were unreasonable and mean. You didn't spoil her wedding - if it was spoilt, she spoilt it herself by behaving like a petulant toddler.

Jenk, just wondered how accepting things and just getting on with it has affected you? You seem to be saying now that you wish you had made more of a stand? I honestly think that, family or not, if you let people treat you this way and don't stand up to them it can have a detrimental affect on you. I do see Prettycandles p.o.v but I don't think having relatives around is so important for your children that they should be allowed to treat you like crap and get away with it.

Not sure how I would feel about my DS being around a granny who had told me to starve him whilst in utero, anyway... sorry, don't mean to be inflamatory but there are some serious issues here.

Shoot me down in flames but like Thomcat I also hate the big wedding look at me lets spend twenty thousand pounds on one day that could feed 10 African countries for a year ethos. I think a child's nutritional welfare is more important. I don't mean to offend anyone who had a big wedding but this sort of attitude really gets my goat.

im with fcc on this one Eat only fruit for 2 weeks when your pregnent ffs how stupid.
Chloe tbh i think you are better off keeping some space between you and your mother and sister until they beg on bended knee for forgiveness.

Invite your dad over to see your baby but explane that you are too hurt to see the others until they say sorry.

Why oh why is having a baby treated as some sort of race or compotation?
When i was expecting DS2 my husbands cousin and his other cousins girlfriend were both expecting, and there was none of this sillyness about who was pregnent first, we just looked forward to 3 more little people in the family.

Tbh when my sis got married she had lovely bridesmaids dresses made that would not suit my size or shape at all (i was 13 stone at the time and the other adult bridesmaide were about 8 stone each) so she told me to have made whatever i felt comfitable in, so i had a 2 peice long skirt and top made, she just wanted me to be part of her day and did not care weather i had a bridesmaid dress the same as the others, as i was matron of honour it did not matter.
I think you have been treated very badly, You are NOT over reacting and you are NOT selfish for having a baby, she is the selfish one for acting like a spolit child.