What do you make of this "advice"....

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Some years ago my dh cheated on me. I was devastated and ended up in hospital with a nervous breakdown. He worked away a lot, and it was during one of his extended overseas trips that this happened. (6 months). We stayed together post-affair and things have been better since as we do talk more etc.... dh left that job and got another job so that he didn't have to work away as much.

A few months later I chatted to my father about it. He himself, is on his 3rd marriage and is a serial cheater. I know that he has cheated on his current wife, numerous times.

What he said to me that day, I just cannot believe what I heard. He thought that I was over-reacting and was shocked that I ended up hospitalized because of dh's affair. He said to me that no matter how committed a husband is, all men have affairs. He said that he doesn't know any married man that hasn't had an affair somewhere along the way..... In the industry he is in, he travels a lot also. He claims that when away, things do get stressful and lonely and they all need a little "outlet" from time to time.....

So, what do you make of this comment? Although I see him from time to time, I admit to not having a close relationship with my father. He is totally narcissistic. But he planted that seed in my head that day, and sometime I do wonder. Every single day there are threads about dh's being caught out having affairs. Of course, there are the dw that have affairs too, I am not disputing that, but generally it's the dh with kids and been in longer term marriages that we seem to read more about.

I just wanted some thoughts on this. I have never told anyone about this conversation, but it does play on my mind a lot.

I think it is shit "advice" and your father is as, as you say, a narcissistic prick

No. Not all men have affairs.

Ridiculous generalisation, and ridiculous advice.

My honest reaction is that I think a lot of men probably do. Unacceptable and wrong, but they do.

I do sometimes think that we set ourselves up to fail. Personally, my DH having casual sex, with a condom, when away for long periods wouldn't bother me. My DH having an affair with emotions would bother me. But that conversation would be a strange one and probably elicit shock from others if I admitted to it!

He's a narc so what else would he say? He's factually wrong too. Just remember that he said what he said without any regard for how you'd feel about it, his own DD. The threads here are a snapshot of the general population btw and can't be read as though everyone's doing it because they aren't. Only folk like your DF.

I'm sorry you needed a hospital admission OP. I hope things turn out well for you.

You're father is indeed a prick who talks absolute bollocks, of course all men don't have affairs-ridiculous generalisation.

I don't know why you are surprised by his comments tbh. He by your own admission is a serial cheat, who's daughter has been devastated by cheating, it is his way of justifying his own shitty actions.

I think your father is making the very common but fundamental mistake of thinking what he thinks and his experience is the norm for everyone.

He certainly seems correct talking about his life. But that's as much as he can say really. And all I can say is that it does not represent my life or the lives of friends and family around me.

He also has a very vested interest in supposedly being surprised that your experience of infidelity affected you so badly. That way he can continue with his behaviour and continue to pretend that it's not something which could really hurt other people.

Your Dad is generalising as it makes it easier to accept he is a poor specimen of a man because "all men" are. No one likes to wallow in a pit of shame alone. Much easier to drag everyone else in with you so you have people to stand on whilst you attempt to pathetically claw your way out.

I think lots of men(and women!) do have affairs. Far more than you think especially in certain industries which involve travel and socialising.
In my own previous field it was the norm. They then went home to their unsuspecting families.

I would say "a lot of men" (based on experience) but definitely not "all men".

Cheats always justify their actions somehow and yet I bet if your DM had jumped into bed with other men your DF would have been mortally offended. A cheat won't necessarily extend those same privileges to his or her OH. Everything is about them, their needs, their appetites.

As said already, naturally given his moral code your DF would side with his son in law.

I think he's probably got a point.

I don't think all men will have affairs. I know a couple of men I couldn't imagine it of at all. And I think some men wouldn't have the opportunity - for a variety of reasons.

But I think that most will be unfaithful if the opportunity arises and the desire take up that opportunity is there...

I think a lot of women find it such an appalling idea because to accept it means accepting their own partner might do it. But I'm speaking from my own experience and that is that... I know the majority of the men I know/have known well have cheated/are currently cheating. Even if it's only one off drunken snogs on a night out...

whether this bloke has a point or not, in terms of "advice" he is basically saying "all men cheat so you should STFU about it and you were mental to be so affected to end up with a nervous breakdown"

this "advice" is crap, which was the question posed by OP

Its not possible to have any sort of relationship with a narcissist and he has used.

I think your dad's comments should be roundly ignored, he is wrong on so many levels. Not all men cheat by any means.

I also think this happens far more than you think. Whether it's a full blown affair or a few shags, kisses etc. My DH has many stories of what has happened on football trips, stag do's, lads holidays, these are 'respectable' men who go home to their unsuspecting partners (some of whom I have to say are smug marrieds). He was involved in this, it was before we met.

I have male friends who I went out with frequently and I know what they got up to! again their DW's appeared to have no idea.

I also know that some of these partners did/do know but turn a blind eye or so it seems

it doesn't matter "how often it happens"

the advice we have been asked to critique is that women should just accept it, and they are wrong to get so upset about it

I think it's shit advice and probably comes from your dad knowing he's fucked up and is a lousy role model to his children/grandchildren etc about how to treat people you're meant to love.

OP, your dad sounds very much like mine. He was a serial cheater and divorced three times. Gave me very similar advice when I was about to marry DH. He was talking bollocks then and your dad is talking bollocks now.

Male voice here - your dad is, as has been said by a few, talking arse.
He's a cheater, and ascribing his morality onto the rest of us. Why? Perhaps it's too assuage his own guilt, to cast all men as like him ("I'm not too bad - they're all at it").

Well, we're not all at it, and neither would we all take the chance should the opportunity arise (as suggested upthread).

You're dad's advice sucks.

Your dad is horrible and his advice was not given out of love or kindness or a wish to help you.

Some people do have affairs, some don't; some people care very much about exclusive, monogamous relationships and others don't. Some people are persistent 'cheaters' because one partner is not enough for them but they are also not prepared to be open and honest about this fact. Some people make a single mistake, perhaps when drunk or away from home,. and regret it hugely.

You know your own H, and what kind of a man he is, and can make your decisions accordingly. Never mind what your horrible dad says. He's being nasty because he thinks he can.

My parents have been married for 46 years. My dad was horrified when I wascheated on and thinks it low-life behaviour. I can say with certainty that my dad wouldn't and hasn't cheated in my mum. He just wants to be with her all of the time. My brothers are also very good husbands to their wives (apart from the usual spouse issues- housework, time spent cycling/golfing blah blah). It would knock me sideways if they ever cheated.

Not all men cheat, no. Your dad was in the wrong to suggest this and in the wrong to give the impression that you should accept a man cheating on you!

Your father is being an arse.

The fact that he thinks women should just put up with affairs doesn't really hold much weight does it? After all, it sounds like even his own actual experience doesn't match that - he's on his third wife. So, presumably, the others didn't just accept his behaviour.

Even women he knows well, and has presumably tried very hard to convince of his point of view, disagree.

It's not 'over-reacting' to expect fidelity within a relationship, and to be upset when your husband cheats. It sounds like your husband is prepared to admit that he was at fault, and work hard to repair the marriage.

This is the only attitude and behaviour that you should be focussed on.

Serial cheats exist. And they try hard to believe that they are the norm, because otherwise they'd be 'odd' and nobody thinks of themself as that. And, because they often cluster together, they reinforce that idea. Nobody he knows is faithful. Well, that's because he knows a lot of people like himself. Not because he has any clear idea what the rest of mankind is like.

I think your father is speaking a very uncomfortable truth. Looking back at my childhood friends' parents, by the time we left the sixth form, out of a group of 5 of us there was not one single family unaffected by infidelity. Four out of the five cases it was the H who strayed. Two of the families decided to maintain the veneer and the facade by staying together so there was no way an outsider would have known, but it was all there bubbling away under the surface. Marriage is an unnatural artificial societal construct that makes millions of people very unhappy. I wish to God I'd never got married and there hasn't even been infidelity in my marriage.

the truth being that men will always cheat and women should put up with it ?

not in my world is that the "truth"

of course not all men have affairs. Some women do, some men do...and what's this crap (Burdock) that it's 'truth?' Your post indicates that even in your experience it isn't true.