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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

messed up again

26 replies

crapolaa · 11/08/2014 09:37

So me and my mrs split up for four months last year. During that time she had a relationship with somebody else. We got togerther again in January and I fairly quickly found out about it. She was seeing this bloke who with big muscles and a big dick and since i've got pretty low self esteem anyway it really got to me. We had it out and I convinced her I'd be over it and we could move on from it.

Trouble is I really can't. Fast forward to last night and it all came out, how I still thought of it, how it still constantly plays on my mind and how it's still hurting me. I know this is all about me and it's really really not fair on her bringing this stuff out now months on but I can't help it. She's been off in the bedroom recently and it's really put it to the forfront of my mind.

She won't talk about it, understandably as it's so long ago but I really need to move on. Anyone else been through the same and how did you get through it? Thanks.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 11/08/2014 10:07

See it like this, there a men out there who are bigger than you better looking than you and they might have bigger family jewels than you. Don't feel jealous of them. Nothing you can do about it. You just have to accept what god gave ya.

Now your partner had the chance to date someone described above. She went, she saw and Left. That's all.

Don't fear that he had bigger muscles, he did, you know that. You could have big muscles if you went to the gym.

Accept that in your view he is something you envy but in her view she wants you. Just because you want to be like him or envy him it doesn't mean she feels the same way. Otherwise she wouldn't be with you would she?

Hope this helps.

AnyFucker · 11/08/2014 10:12

why did you split up ?

Original poster
crapolaa · 11/08/2014 10:13

Thanks Quite, that's what I keep telling myself.

AnyFucker, cos I was EA.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/08/2014 10:19

Ah. Do you think you have stopped being "EA" ?

Original poster
crapolaa · 11/08/2014 10:28

I hope so AnyFucker. My gf certainly thinks so, whenever I check with her I'm still "behaving" she says I am. I can see the way I was with her pretty clearly now and I'm not the same. No shouting, insults, passive agressive bollocks or silly moods.

I guess this issue is mixed up in it but I really hate brining it up as it's not her problem and I've been bottling it up for months now. Just spilled out last night.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/08/2014 10:45

She won't talk about it, understandably as it's so long ago

What, last year? And did she describe him as having big muscles big dick or was that something you are worried she would have been attracted to?

Don't torture yourself. Focus on today and tomorrow. Be the best partner you can be.

Original poster
crapolaa · 11/08/2014 10:55

Donkeys - I saw the texts she sent her mates about him. And I know I shouldn't torture myself about it and I am trying to be the best I can for her, just need to get to over this. Going to call the doctors.

OP posts:
Smilesandpiles · 11/08/2014 10:58

Hang on.

You admit to being EA and are trying to do everything you can in order to stop this. Fair enough and fair play to you.

You've got bugger all self esteem and you check your behaviour by asking her is you are "behaving?" This isn't helping you at all. You don't need reassurance from her, you need to know this yourself.

What I can see is this...this relationship you have at the moment, isn't helping your self esteem one bit. You may have been seperated while she had that rebound fling, but it still feels as though she's cheated, even if she hadn't. You must be thinking," well, if she can get over me that quickly, it's clear she doesn't want me anyway, not properly."

You need to have a long hard think about what you want and if this is best thing for you right now.

Original poster
crapolaa · 11/08/2014 11:08

Smiles - kinda. I do know I'm a better person now. But sometimes it's good to check I'm on track and she's happy with my behaviour! And yes, it feels as though she's cheated (when she really didn't).

OP posts:
Smilesandpiles · 11/08/2014 11:16

The point I'm trying to make is this:

You need to do some work on yourself but you can't keep asking her if you are doing ok...that will just grate after a while. I know, my ex used to ask the same question. Not often but enough to piss me off after a while. You are putting her in a position where after a while she is going to feel obligated to tell you your behaviour is fine (even if it isn't) just to shut you up and leave her alone for five minutes. After a while that question can put a lot of pressure on a person. Even more so when the question really needs to answered by the person asking the question.

As for the cheating, but not cheating thing..that's another issue you have to think through. Personally, I wouldn't be able to move past it. If they were able to move on THAT quickly, then I and that relationship must have ment sod all to that person (this is MY thinking though) and it would just eat away at me. Even more so knowing that every fucker knows about it. 4 months isn't a long time to be seperated from someone and it must have felt likes he kicked you in the guts.

Original poster
crapolaa · 11/08/2014 11:17

No actually I take that back. It doesn't feel like she cheated on me, it's just hard to get my head round how we can be together for years punctuated by her seeing someone else for a while.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/08/2014 11:18

how did you happen to see the texts to her friends ?

Smilesandpiles · 11/08/2014 11:18

*liked

Original poster
crapolaa · 11/08/2014 11:20

I had a look AnyFucker and came across them.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/08/2014 11:23

Ah.

Did she know and agree to you looking and coming across her private texts meant for her friends ?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/08/2014 11:25

You were on a break. She got off with someone else. (Not sure how you saw her texts, was that with her permission?).

You're back together. She isn't with him. How can I phrase this - whatever physical attributes he had, you clearly offer the full package.

Recognising the problems you had last year and working to address those shows a willingness to fix things. I think the break scared you because regardless of what physique the man in question had, she wasn't twiddling her thumbs sat at home she was back out there dating and evidently not short of admirers. But now that you've reconciled you stand every chance of making a go of this relationship.

Original poster
crapolaa · 11/08/2014 11:26

AnyFucker - We often nosey at each other phones and never had a problem with it before or since.

OP posts:
BookABooSue · 11/08/2014 11:30

I'm going to sound like I'm on commission from Relate as I say this so often on here but seriously - go to see a counsellor on your own. You haven't dealt with the fact she dated someone else and you also have the EA issues to work through.

You're not being fair asking her to check your behaviour or making her feel guilty for dating someone when you were split up. I disagree with a PP who seems to think it's some kind of reflection on your relationship that she dated someone quite quickly. All people are different. Some need the comfort of a relationship. It's also fairly common (no matter how misguided it might appear) for someone trying to get over an EA relationship to try to seek affirmation from a new relationship. Please don't beat her or yourself up over the timing of when it happened. You can't change what happened. You can only try to deal with your response to it. And she didn't cheat so she can't help you to deal with this. You need to do it yourself.

Original poster
crapolaa · 11/08/2014 11:32

Donkeys - I had no idea about this until we were back together. I had no idea what she was up to when we were apart, it wasn't my business (still isn't).

And yeh, I know she doesn't want anyone else, just me. I'm being rediculous aren't I.

OP posts:
Original poster
crapolaa · 11/08/2014 11:35

BookABoo - yeh I know I need to sort it it's really not her problem. Yeh, calling the doctors.

OP posts:
bauhausfan · 11/08/2014 11:35

You've admitted that you have a low self esteem (so do I) and that is probably the root of all your troubles. Feeling shitty about yourself can turn people into abusers (whether they intend to or not). I know because I've been there myself. You need to get the GP to refer you to a psychotherapist to work on feeling good about being you. Or even better, if you can afford it (about £50 per hour) go privately. Good luck. You sound like someone who is trying hard.

Original poster
crapolaa · 11/08/2014 11:42

bauhaus - "Feeling shitty about yourself can turn people into abusers (whether they intend to or not)." This is what happened I think and I've just been mindful of it since. Just a big step going to a councellor. Even just talking about it to strangers on the net is quite cathartic but I guess it's not real life.

OP posts:
BookABooSue · 11/08/2014 11:44

Don't dismiss it as being ridiculous because if you do then you won't deal with it and it will keep flaring up as an issue. It upsets you hence it's not ridiculous but you need to deal with it. Relate offer individual counselling which is usually a bit cheaper than £50 per hr.

You need to recognise that if you can't make peace with this then you can't be in this relationship and that's ok. You can't have the mindset that you need to be in this relationship above all else. This relationship might not be right for either of you. However if you do reach that conclusion then don't blame your DP for it. Sometimes relationships just don't work.

BookABooSue · 11/08/2014 11:48

If you don't want to speak to someone then Relate offer online counselling. You send a summary of your issue. They assign it to a counsellor and then the counsellor's reponse is emailed back to you.

It's a different dynamic from face-to-face counselling because the process takes longer (eg it can be over a week till you get a response) and also because you can edit and think about what you're going to type so it's not as spontaneous. However it's still worthwhile. Their counsellors are very good at teasing out the issues.

Original poster
crapolaa · 11/08/2014 12:04

Thanks BookaBoo, I didn't know that it's an option but I'm going to bite the bullet and see someone in person. I think it's long overdue.

OP posts: