Father in law a paedophile - Desperate advice needed

[horrifiedmum]

Me and my husband are reeling with shock having just found out that his dad is a paedophile, having sexually abused my SIL (his eldest sister) from the age of 4 to 17 to the extent of 'you name it, he did it' with actual rape starting from about the age of 11/12. We believe her 100%, it explains alot of things that have happened in her life and probably the reason why my husband felt he never really had a father, wasn't interested in him - only in his older sisters!

We are devastated, shocked, horrified, gutted, disgusted and know that he can never come to our house again or be near our 3 girls all of whom are age 5 and under. I would hope I could get some advice/practical help on a few things:

1 If she reports him to the police, what is the process she would have to go through. What are the chances bearing in mind she is in her forties now and it would be her word against his, what are the potential complications for her and the rest of the family
2 How does she go about getting a good specialist counsellor
3 Should she tell her mum (seperated from her Dad some years ago), would you want to know?
4 How do we deal with him, don't want to confront him face to face in case he flips (or we do)
5 Should we tell his current partner who also has children and young grandchildren

God its a mess! I would welcome any advice/suggestions that might help me get my head round it and see how best to deal with it.

how awful. You have to tell his current partner imo, she ought to be allowed to protect her grandchildren. And dh's mum, yes. I wouldn't deal with him at all tbh, would just support her as best I could. No experience but that's what I'd do.

how did it come about? this revelation? how you deal with it goes on from there really.
its a case of what she wants to do. not what you want to do. certainly ban him from seeing your children. but its up to her if she wants it to go to the courts.
lots of positive vibes for you and your family.

I think, in order to protect any children around him now, his current partner does need to know asap. And I think her mum should know too - I'd want to know, no matter how devasting it would be.

I wouldn't confront the father just yet.

Can't help on the process, etc. I guess it is a case of approaching the police for that?

And can she speak to her GP for counselling?

I guess she could call women's aid or victim support for counselling, they will refer her to a specialist counselling service which has experience in dealing with incest.

Agree that his current partner needs to know, though be prepared to be met with disbelief unless the police intervene.

Sorry you are going through this, it must be horrific.

how awful for you. a miassive shock for all. id have no cantact with him, unless your dh wants to go it alone with your 'background' support. id try and support my sil, there must be books out there which will help her see which 'direction' (i.e. cunselling, going to police etc) she wants to take. good luck.

cx

How awful, has he been arrested yet?

So sorry to hear this, you must be stunned, poor dh too - he may also need some counselling even if short term. I don't know about the process, but someone will come along soon who will. I would want to inform anyone with children who may come into contact with him. His ex wife needs to know if, for no other reason then to support her children and your sil regardless of what kind of relationship she has with them. As for how you deal with him, well he's going to find out that you know and he'll respond in his own way regardless of how and when you tell him. I'd suggest you do it however feels best to dh and sil, so if they can't face him then don't, or write a letter whatever feels least upsetting for them. Who cares about how he's feeling. Big hugs to you all.

No, only just told us - not sure that she wants to go down that route at the moment

Do a search on delicatematter's nickname. She has threads relating to her dh's abuse at the hands of his uncle. He is pursuing the matter through the police and you may get some pointers from her threads.

How terribly awful for you all and particularly your SIL. What about other sisters? You mentioned more than one.

How awful for you all

I think you need to follow her lead on this. It is important for other people to know and to recognise the safety of other young girls around him, but, I think there will be a difficulty with this if SIL doesnt pursue this in an official capacity.

Im not saying this is right (in an ideal world, as recent threads have demonstrated, there should be no hurdles in victims being taken seriously), but, unless she makes a formal complaint, then his "new" family might no want to take heed of any warnings about his behaviour, because they may not understand why the issue is being raised at all if no complain t is raised. It may make them more cautious with him anyway, and hopefully examine his behaviour. But its something to bear in mind.

Our family have been through something similar. Some of the children who are now adults have had counselling. This has been by referral from the GP and not specialist counselling. The GP was not told the details just that the person was very depressed or suicidal and needed counselling.
In our family there was a split between telling the B*tards ex-wife (mother of the children) and not telling. Reasons were 1) She must have known all along and 2) She can't have known and she'll be devastated. In the end one of them told and the conversation was brushed under the carpet.
For how to deal with him, it depends how often you see him. Btard in my family has never met my children and never will. He doesn't have my address or phone number so it is easy for me. Could try a letter..but be prepared for denials.
We did tell new wife about b-tard. He had told her that his children were not in contact due to a 'messy divorce' from their mother. First wife wrote to new wife to tell her. New wife doesn't believe a word..but at least has been warned.
Don't know what more I can say - we have had this mess 'known' in the family for years and years and we muddle on day to day with the occasional crisis about it.
I am a namechanger by the way. I couldn't get any serious nicknames to work so ended up with this one.

One other sister, older than him but younger than the one who just told us. She is seeing her tomorrow to ask her direct and tell her what happened to her

Also I agree with glassofwine, your dh may find that he needs some counselling. Living with an 'elephant in the living room' when you are growing up can have long reaching consequences.

Sorry for the name change. Obvious reasons you'll understand and RL friends/family know I post here and most of them know nothing of this.

You have my sympathy and I would protect your children at all costs.
I have experience of sexual abuse and to this day I've never been able to tell my parents about it as I know it'd change their lives and turn their world upside-down with no going back. In my case though, my parents are happy and we have a great relationship which I cannot bring myself to upset. I think my parents would want to know, but I see no need to destroy their happiness as the person concerned is dead now. It was one of my parents parents who was a pillar of the community.....blah blah blah, and very well respected etc. Not that I want to protect that image of him (I detest seeing his photo in their house and hearing about how wonderful he was), I just don't want my parents to bear any guilt for something they knew nothing of, nor could do anything about - after all, I didn't tell them at the time.

In your SIL's case it is different in that her parents no longer together and there are also other people still at risk. It's up to her whether or not to report this abuse, but I think if this were me now and the abuser were still alive, then I'd certainly feel that the current partner should to be informed (although it's perfectly possible she wouldn't believe it), so that at least she could protect her children/grandchildren from this man.

I'm so glad you believe her though, as one of the reasons for my silence in the past was that I may not have been believed. I have since shared my experience with my sister though who does believe me and assures me she was never abused herself by this person (for which I'm very relieved). He died when she was seven though and I'm much older than her. My abuse began when I was 11/12 - God it makes me sick to think about it. I'm so sorry for your SIL and your family having to go through this.

Horrifiedmum, I am horrified too! What an awful thing for you to find out, and it must be dreadful for your dh to find this out about his dad.
I think I am going to sound a bit harsh here, and I could get flamed for it but the police need to know about this. It is up to your SIL if she wants to press charges, but if you know about a paedophile then I reckon the police need to be involved. I've been discussing this with my dh here just now and he also feels very strongly that this should be reported. If he abused his own daughter for that length of time then he is a very serious paedophile and is almost certainly still abusing, whether it is neighbours, friends, or over the internet. There are a lot of children out there who could be at risk.
We are aware that your SIL is very emotional and incredibly traumatised, and not only was it exceptionally hard for her to tell you but this is incredibly hard for you all. But the safety of other children who he might be abusing now has to be paramount, and someone has to tell the police so that at the very least they can turn up with a search warrant and seize his computer.
We know that she has not decided whether or not to involve the police but this might be the last piece in a jigsaw the police are putting together, it could be the evidence they require. The question anyone in your situation will be asking is ;what's your worst-case scenario?, because not telling the police now could be instumental in letting that worst case scenario happen.
Your SIL has let this come out now because she's needing to talk and bring it into the open, and she is going to need a lot of professional help to get over this (dh is a GP and this is his opinion). But she now has the chance to get better, to eventually learn to put this behind her. Bringing it out into the open is very painful, but essential if she is ever going to heal.
You and your family will be very much in our thoughts and prayers.

Your SIL may want to look at this website for the National Association for People Abused in Childhood. They will be able to give her all the advice she needs with regards to the legal process etc.

Thanks to all of you for your support and taking the time to post a message (very long ones in some cases).
My SIL has felt suicidal in the past and last weekend went storming off, in the car, pi**ed out of her head not caring if she died.
I think she is at more risk of suicidal thoughts now as its just got worse, not better for her. Today she is feeling very low, not sure if she thought that by telling us it would almost solve it and that she would feel better.
He has destroyed her life in the most unimaginable way, and from such a young age - I feel desperate for her. He has ruined other peoples lives now too.
Thanks again for your support

Awful, awful. Poor her. Agree with all the other comments here, and particularly those which say that this man will be offending at the moment and that any children in contact with him are at immediate risk. I work in this field and this is sadly almost always the case with unreported offenders.
In addition to the NAPAC link below, she may also want to contact this agency (Phoenix Survivors) where she will be able to access support from those who have suffered equally horrific abuse by their fathers and other relatives .

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horrifiedmum, do you also use the name gobsmackedmum?

Your poor SIL. Can't begin to imagine how she feels - but hopefully now she has begun to talk about this, she is making steps towards the sort of professional help which will help her to live a happier life.

However, I agree with all that Harrisey said. This is one of those situations which could potentially be so damaging that doing all possible to prevent that should take precedence over any pledges not to talk about it etc (I don't know if SIL has asked you to respect this confidence or not, but I suspect she probably realises that you might be likely to go to the Police).

I have every sympathy for her but I think once anyone knows of a (previously unknown) paedophile they have a public duty to inform the authorities. It won't be the 1st time for them and they must have procedures, and connections (with Social Services for example) which can be put into place to try and protect any children this "man" is likely to come into contact with. I suspect, though I don't know, that Social Services would be able to tell his partner, for example, which is vital as she has young grandchildren.

I'm afraid I have no idea of the police procedures your SIL would need to undergo but a quick search bought up Supportline which is an organisation for survivors of abuse. Their helpline number is 020 8554 9004. Perhaps you can call them yourself - I am sure they would speak to family members too.

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saintgeorge, yes I did use that name last week when I was panicking about what we were likely to hear at the weekend. Sorry I didn't see your message last night, went to bed shattered after 3am bed Saturday night when we were with SIL.
Quite tough as I am breastfeeding my 10wk old too

Thank you again for all the postings, I find it a great comfort and lots of the comments are reinforcing my views. Think it would be great to show SIL this thread but not sure how she would take it so will leave it for now.

Could you and/or dh accompany SIL to the police? Suspect once a paedophile always a paedophile.