Father in law a paedophile - Desperate advice needed

[horrifiedmum]

Me and my husband are reeling with shock having just found out that his dad is a paedophile, having sexually abused my SIL (his eldest sister) from the age of 4 to 17 to the extent of 'you name it, he did it' with actual rape starting from about the age of 11/12. We believe her 100%, it explains alot of things that have happened in her life and probably the reason why my husband felt he never really had a father, wasn't interested in him - only in his older sisters!

We are devastated, shocked, horrified, gutted, disgusted and know that he can never come to our house again or be near our 3 girls all of whom are age 5 and under. I would hope I could get some advice/practical help on a few things:

1 If she reports him to the police, what is the process she would have to go through. What are the chances bearing in mind she is in her forties now and it would be her word against his, what are the potential complications for her and the rest of the family
2 How does she go about getting a good specialist counsellor
3 Should she tell her mum (seperated from her Dad some years ago), would you want to know?
4 How do we deal with him, don't want to confront him face to face in case he flips (or we do)
5 Should we tell his current partner who also has children and young grandchildren

God its a mess! I would welcome any advice/suggestions that might help me get my head round it and see how best to deal with it.

Think you are right and yes we would accompany her if she wanted us to. She isn't sure whether to go down that route, she thinks losing his other 2 children and our children (his grandchildren) from his life and knowing that we know what he has done will be punishment enough for him. I don't share that view, I would prefer it it she went to the police and I am gently trying to encourage her but she is in a state at the moment and I don't want to pressurise her.

But it isn't just a question of punishing him - although that should absolutely happen. It's about protecting other children from his obscene attention. You have already indicated that there are other children within his sphere of influence and, for their sake if nothing else, something must be done to ensure that he can never affect another child in this way.

I couldn't agree more, but can I/my husband report him to the police (?) as we have no evidence so to speak, only what she has told us. Then they would have to approach her which is what she may not want.

Its such a mess, confusing as well. We want whats best for her and have pointed out that his current partner has grandchildren (she didn't know that). Also said he could have committed offences outside of the family unit for years and there could be some dna samples just waiting to be matched!

I would say to her that the police have had much experience of this kind of sad situation and that she can call a halt to the process at any time, but that she really should try talking to someone from there first.

Perhaps you could call your local station anonymously to see what the process is likely to involve, and perhaps speak to someone sympathetic? If you've already made contact with someone, it's not the same as turning up "cold".

What a horrible situation for everyone - how sad to think of her all those years

Don't know but couldn't you go round to the police, talk to an officer, explain that you're worried about the kids he has contact to but don't see what you can do about it, since (although you believe her) it's hearsay and you have no evidence. Ask the police for advice and leave it with them. Perhaps they'll inform social services or check out the situation even without a formal charge. Surely they'd alert social services?

Whatever you do you need to make sure any children he may come i contact with are protected.

Hope you get all the advice you need and the bastard pays for his actions.

I think when you find out about something like this, that you have a moral duty to report it. It then becomes the problem of the authorities - Police and Social Services to take appropriate action etc., you having done all that you can.

In other words, it's not the public's responsibility to second guess procedures, or evidence required, or whatever - but simply to place the matter in the hands of people who can make decisions about the next step(s).

Imagine how you'd feel if something came to light years from now. You would feel sickened if you hadn't disclosed what you've been told to the police. If they choose, for whatever reason, to do nothing after you've told them, then you would at least have done all you could to protect other children. I don't mean to have a go at you ...... but I think keeping this to yourself could potentially destroy you and your peace of mind, let alone the lives of innocents.

Hi, Please give your SIL a hug from me, and let her cry on you. I have done it. My father sexually abused myself and 3 of my 4 sisters (1 says he didn't, but we thing she has blocked it out) we also have reason to believe he abused my older brothers, one physically and one sexually. He is a horrible man and if I never see him again I will die happy. I watched him abuse my sister as I sat on the edge of the bed playing.. I heard him say stuff to my sister as I was vomiting, he abused me in the same bed my mum lay in. I feel sick.
I got the courage to tell my sister I knew about what he was doing to her, she was shocked and horrified that he had got to me too, she said she knew he had got to her and the other 2 as they are all around the same age, but I am 10 yrs younger and they said they thought seeing as I was a daddys girl that he had left me alone. They were wrong. My sister came down to my house and we had a huge fight, totally lost in grief. We hated each other. She blamed herself for not protecting me and I blamed her for not protecting herself, I was very angry at her as she was so much older, 16/17 when he last abused her. It had taked many years and many angry moments and I finally thought I had got over it, but on the birth of my dd I crashed and burned and ended up in counselling.. for 18months! I couldn't understand how anyone could hurt their own chil so much and it almost destroyed me. The awful things I had blocked out as a teenager came back with a vengance. My counsellor wanted me to press charges but only one of my sisters felt strong enough to back me up and the others said they didn't want their dh's finding out... said it would kill our mum etc... here I sit, still hating him and feeling like the biggest cowardice bastard ever for not throwing him in jail where he belongs...

Tell your SIL to go to the police, don't sit and get all bitter like me, and please please tell your mum and his partner, get all those kiddies away from that eveil evil man. xx

I have always posted on threads like this under this name, I shall now go and change back.

I'm so sorry about what you went through C.

Cowardice, thank you for being so honest and sorry that you have been through so much. Its devastating isn't it.

Its not too late to go to the police though, see some of the other comments about him potentially still doing it to others.

I also heard the comment, it will kill mum but its not about protecting other peoples feelings right now, its about getting him punished under the law and preventing it from happening again.

Maybe its easy for me to say as its not happened to me and its not my family but all the postings are making me see more clearly.

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Cowardice, I have just read your post in tears. I have no experience of what you have gone through but am so, so sorry that you or anyone has to deal with this.

HM, So sorry for your sad situation and that of other posters.
I have a lot of experience in this field in terms of the police and would strongly recommend that your SIL speaks to them.
The family protection unit that would deal with her are all specially trained and very victim orientated. They would not take formal proceedings against her father unless she felt this was the right thing to do. And sexual abuse is often reported many years after it occurred, with successful outcomes. But similarly there are many cases which are not taken to court as it would be too traumatic for the victim, with little chance of a conviction. Your SIL would be consulted with at every stage and the police would always pay heed to her wishes. Often when a victim begins speaking of the abuse after many years it stirs up deep hidden feelings and depression, suicidal thoughts etc all come out. Many victims find that the process of giving a statement and telling all gives them closure, regardless of whether someone gets arrested or not. If your SIL spoke to the police they would be able to make referrals to counsellors. (And for your DH; a revelation like this must have stirred up so many emotions for him too). Most importantly they would be able to work with social services in checking out the welfare of the children living with him now and any that have done in the interim time. As you quite rightly said there may be many victims out there scared to speak. There may have been other victims who did speak to the police but there was not quite enough evidence to send him to court. Your SIL's evidence may add to others. She will not know unless she speaks to the police.
But I would not go telling your FIL's partner yourselves - allow the proper agencies to do it. I would simply sever all contact with him for the time being with no explanation. He doesn't deserve one.
Please urge your SIL to speak to the police - they will be sympathetic. And it has to be reported by her, not yourselves. From a practical point of view, if she will speak to police, tell her to phone, give very brief details, and ask for a specially trained officer to come to take details from her. If she was to turn up at a station at 11pm on a Friday night, she may get stuck speaking to any officer available and if her first encounter was anything less than completely positive and supportive she might stop speaking.
Thinking of your family at this testing time.

Thanks again to everyone. Sadly things have gone from bad to worse as my husbands other sister has now admitted that she went through exactly the same abuse and violence from age 4 - 17. She is struggling to tell her current partner who is father to her second child, hopefully she will tell him this week.
Still not sure if they will tell there mum, I question how she didn't suspect as this most severe abuse occurred regularly for 2 girls for approx 17 years.
I thank everyone who has given practical support regarding the police process, hopefully that will help us to persuade her to start that process.

hopefully both sisters will be able to go to the police together as they have both been through the same ordeal, i really feel for them, i hope they can gather some courage to tell their mum first before going to the police

horrifiedmum, still thinking of you a lot. Hope that your family can get the help that they are going to so desperately need.

Just wondering how things are horrifiedmum?

hm, I think most mothers do know and allow it to happen which either implicates them or must make them feel dreadful for being wilfully blind.
It is rarely a one off so you need to protect your children and other people's.
Other awful fact is that those abused often abuse. I was out with someone the other night who had been abused as a child. Then just in conversation he mentioned his daughter had abused her half sister. We did both then pause and wonder if that was for genetic reasons or why or just chance? That girl had never been abused herself, just her father had years before.

She should tell her mother. Keeping it secret is condoning it in a sense.

No reason he must be cut off from all contact with his grandchildren if he is completely supervised although I doubt anyone else would think that would be the right thing to do. Other point is everyone is innocent until proven guilty etc etc

AttillatheHan

Thanks for asking, still struggling to get our head round things (went away for a long weekend to escape!). Getting together with both sisters and partners hopefully this week. I feel as though theres a reluctance to report to the police but I can't see why, well I can in a way as it must be terrifying for them. Mum is likely to be told Monday after family christening on Sunday. Once he knows we are severing all contact (and the other sister is) then it will possibly kick off. We are concerned about what he may do if he thinks he's been 'caught' at long last! Just waiting to see how things progress really once someone makes a move. All very stressful I must say.

What can he do though?

Who knows, this is an evil and clever man. He could come to one of our homes and become violent, he could attempt to snatch our children or someone elses, he could just leave the country and continue on other victims - the possibilities are endless. I know our minds are in overdrive at the moment and that sort of thing is quite rare but knowing what he has done we have to be mindful. It could be a matter of 'nothing to lose' or he could just top himself with any luck!

There is of course more of a chance of him just keeping well away from everyone and staying 'in hiding'. I probably sound paranoid but safety of our family is paramount and we can't take risks.

sorry to read all of this

how old is this man and is he still together with your husband's mum?

I would be very careful with when and how you tell his mum. I'm afraid it was a similar sort of situation that totally tipped my mum over the edge - with suicide attempts and eventually being sectioned. Although some people have said your MIL must have known - maybe she did but there is still a possibility that she didn't and if so, it will be an enormous and terrible shock. If she did, the guilt will be huge. It's also possible that he may have been violent and abusive towards her but none of that may come out. Whatever the situation, please be careful and perhaps tell her on home ground (so in a house, not in a public place etc.).

very quickly - is there a rape and incest crisis centre where you live? try googling it. i went to one for a while and they're fantastic. they also offer support for friends and family of abuse victims and should be able to help you with the legal process. hth. xxx

this man needs to be taken off the streets she needs to report it asap as it doesnt matter how long ago it happened she will never have peace of mind until she does none of you will it will eat away at you for all of your own peace of minds she needs to report it once that is done the help and everything else will be offered only then can she start to deal with it and heal and knowing she has all of your support will help no end be brave and strong he was a sick man and it disgusts me to think of it he doesnt belong on the streets to do it again xx my thoughts are with u