Viagra

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I've just found out (it came up in conversation) that my partner of two years uses Viagra and had never mentioned it before. I've spent the day really upset because he'd never told me. Apart from this the last two years have been great; sex is fantastic, he has no ED issues but says he uses it to enhance his (and therefore my!)experience. I think I'm upset because it makes me feel less attractive etc. and also I'm worried if he hasn't told me this, what else might he be keeping from me. Apart from this one thing communication is good; I've always felt him to be open an honest and I trust him. Perspective on this anyone?

Did he tell you voluntarily?
How does he take it without you noticing it? I mean, how much deceit is involved in taking it?

That's a pretty sensitive subject for a man, he was probably embarrassed.

Yes he told me voluntarily. We were generally chatting about it and I asked him out of interest if he'd ever used it. He said yes and went on from there to talk openly about it. We'd never discussed it before so he'd never lied about it to me. I guess he just takes it a bit before he anticipates we'll have sex (we don't live together). We were on holiday earlier in the year and he said he thought I'd see them in his bag or something. I didn't look in his stuff particularly and I'd never snoop through it, I've got no cause or inclination to. He says he never meant to not tell me and just thought I'd notice, come across the pills or it would eventually come out (like it has done I suppose). I feel sad that things aren't what I thought they were maybe. I don't want to make a big issue of it because he's such a lovely guy and it is a sensitive issue for him which is why he'd not said anything before I think.

Many men, even young men, are now using Viagra to enhance their sex life. I guess he could have mentioned it but surely it's up to him if he feels he needs or wants to use them. It's not something sinful or illegal so he probably didn't think it was any big deal. You have been having a good sex life so it's been working out great for you both.
My partner also uses Viagra. I think women often feel we are not attractive enough if a man needs a drug to help him to perform. It's not the case at all, it's just that he needs a bit of help to get his parts to work properly or for the length of time he wants to be able to perform for.
He hasn't lied. He just didn't make a big deal out of it and neither should you. Perhaps he is just a little embarrassed that he is using it. This really is not a big deal. It's time to forget it, you have a good relationship and great sex...... What is there to really get upset about?
Just enjoy what you've got.

The next questions for me would be how long he has been using it, if every time and what happens if he doesn't?

I don't see it as a big thing from what you said so far.

Only, I'd actually assume that he does have some ED issues or perhaps some performance anxiety, because you don't live together.

I'd be inclined to ask him about it and reassure him in that respect. I actually wouldn't want my partner pumped up full of drugs all the time, particularly if there's no need for it.

The only other issue might be that he could be too focused on sex and less on the relationship as a whole, but if he is a good guy and reliable overall, then I wouldn't worry.

Thanks for your replies. They've been helpful because I've so thrown by this I've been upset and struggling. I think I was just shocked to hear it because he hadn't told me before. He tells me that using it means he can perform for longer etc and that is why he chooses to use it because he wants to make sex fantastic for us both. He says he doesn't take it every time but it is quite often I think. He says he wants to make sex wonderful for me because of what I've experienced previously. I've been in an abusive marriage (with rubbish sex) which ended when my exH had a two year affair. I think this whole thing has stirred up my insecurities from that. I don't want to make a big issue about it but I need to know I can trust him. I'm also a bit worried about side effects etc. from using it long term.

Don't dismiss your feelings, though.
It sounds like something that needs further discussion. It may be a good idea to explain this to him and explain that you need good communication about such things, and openness, more than you need long lasting sex.
On the other hand, he may actually have a problem and not really want to admit it, but you could reassure him in that respect.

I'd probably suggest to try it on without it for the next few weeks and see how it goes.

He has been happy to discuss it with me but I still feel rubbish over it. I think that is due to my past insecurities over being cheated on and feeing totally destroyed by that. I don't want to let my past and the way I react to situations because of it, wreck what is otherwise fantastic.

This man has gone out of his way to get this medication, is prepared to take any associated risks in taking it all to make sure you have a great time in bed and up till now he has achieved this. Nothing really has changed. He is the same man as before, a man who obviously thinks the works of you, a man who is trying his best.
Your last bloke did the dirty on you. Don't let his wretched behaviour destroy what you have now. None of us have any guarantees in life, but you can be sure that if you continue to let this issue come between you then you will drive a wedge between you.
Perhaps sit down together and reassure each other. Reaffirm your feelings for each other and then get back in the sack and have a bloody great shag, you lucky girl.

Thank you heyday for your post. You have made me look at things from his perspective rather than just mine. I don't want this to come between us.

Sorry I would feel the same as you OP, that's a big thing to keep from you, it's a drug, and it's an enhancement, so it's not really just down to him how well he performs is it.

I would also wonder if he was trustworthy in that what else was he keeping from me, if you are having a sexual relationship then taking Viagra should surely be mentioned.

My DH once got hold of some viagra from "a friend" and we had an almighty row about it. Reading this thread has made me wonder if I did in fact overreact as he claimed I had.

I'm not sure really why I was so upset because as soon as he got them he showed me and told me about it and he claims he was just curious and hadn't used them before. I think it made me feel a bit insecure, we had/have an excellent sex life and usually have sex between 5-10 times a week (sorry I know that's TMI). Anyway I couldn't understand why he'd want to try it so we had a row and he threw it away. Reading this thread I think I maybe owe him an apology!

Viagra is fine as long as both parties know about it and are happy to use it, women use it too you know, it's the fact he never told her and clearly didn't have any intentions either, that's worrying.

It's difficult though because it's not the sort of thing you may want to tell a new partner and then the longer it's left the harder it is to bring up I suppose. I think I'm upset because I feel like it's a reflection on my ability to do sex and stuff. He says of course it's not it's about his insecurities and wanting to make sex good for me. He means so much more to me than just sex though (although it is an important part of a relationship) and I want him to realise that. I need to find the right words to say I guess.

If he is using Viagra every time he has sex then I would say that's a problem, what happens if he can't get his hands on any, where is he getting it from?

It's more a reflection on him than you, and sorry but if he can't tell you something that significant I'd worry about what else he keeps to himself.

I mean can't he have sex without it now?

I think that was my worry; what else is he not telling me? Until this one thing he's been totally open with me about everything from his past, previous partners and other important stuff which I won't share here but suffice to say he shared openly with me from vary early on and didn't have to. I think that is why I'm so upset about this, because he has always been so open; that combined with the deception oft exH which has the potential to undermine my rational thinking even after six years.
He tells me he doesn't use it every time and it's mostly in the evenings when we get together rather than the mornings but I think I need to talk to him more about this side of it all. I suppose I feel that what I thought was real wasn't after all...if that makes sense?

Well it wasn't OP, you were under a completely different impression, I don't think Viagra is meant to be used regularly either.

As for him telling you everything, obviously now you know this then that can't possibly be true, he chooses to tell you what he wants and what he doesn't want.

So what to do? Is it a deal breaker for me? I can't decide. He is happy to talk about it with me now it's come out, not angry, defensive or irritated by my questions and very sorry for how much it's upset me. He says he wishes he'd told me before and doesn't know why he didn't now.

Well take it from there, maybe this has shown him that no secrets should be kept between you, esp when it's affecting you.

I need him to know though that openness and honesty are going to be the make or break thing for me. I think he does because he says he's worried he's spoiled everything because I won't trust what he says or does anymore and he doesn't know what to do to put it right. I think that time will
tell.......

Is it genuine? If so where is he getting it? Unlikely to be prescribed on nhs without a real need. If its off the internet it's 90% likely to be fake and potentially dangerous.

I was concerned about this. It's not prescribed on the MHS. He sources it online but because of his profession he says he feels it is a reputable source and genuine.

Argy Margy, sorry but that is INCORRECT.

Type in erectile dysfunction/ viagra /cialis etc in google. The first page is packed with links to 100% reliable and authentic british pharmacies. LLOYLDS, SUPERDRUG, BOOTS to name a few. They will organise an online private prescription for you from a British Doctor. Regulated, safe and transparent. It is in fact the way that my GP and many others recommend that you obtain it as getting it of the NHS is such a faff!

Really you could have checked this in about 5 minutes rather than post very misleading information.

My DH gets Viagra from the internet. It's from Lloyds. 100% safe. He had to go through an on-line screening process that was reviewed by a doctor, he now orders it from the Lloyds website then goes to the nearest Lloyds Pharmacy on the high street to get it. He has mentioned it to his GP who has said she is happy for him to carry on this way.

Hope you both enjoy it as much as we do.

Please don't be too harsh on him, my DH really struggled with this for a few months.

I think you now have an opportunity to show you can be truly supportive and caring or you might drive away a man how sounds like he has many great qualities.

If you read my post, getthe, I said unlikely to be prescribed on NHS without a real need. So that would entail lying, if he claims there is no actual ED issue.