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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

husband giving me an ultimatum

29 replies

littlechick30 · 10/08/2014 21:23

Me and my hubby are from different areas im irish hes Welsh. Living in ireland have a gd relationship with my parents. But he is wanting to move bk home. I feel like I should for him but his family always make a drama and always falling out with hubby . Really don't want my baby having that crap in her life. Scared of change ... help

OP posts:

FlossyMoo · 10/08/2014 21:25

Hi OP

What are is reasoning's for moving back to Wales?

Have you discussed with him how the drama his family have around you upsets you?

JaneFonda · 10/08/2014 21:26

He's giving you an ultimatum - you move to Wales or you divorce?

That's not how a relationship works! You both need to calmly sit down and discuss your options, and decide what will work best for all of you.

If you do decide that moving to Wales is best, he needs to sort out the problems with his family, so that they don't affect you.

Squidstirfry · 10/08/2014 21:28

Don't let him bully you into a decision, without a v good reason. You have a stronger and more stable family close by where u r it seems. Stay put.

Original poster

littlechick30 · 10/08/2014 21:41

He says he misses his family and friends which is fair enough. But at the same time his family has in the past tried breaking us up. So we wouldnt b living on there doorstep. Im just gutted he basically said he was thinking bout leaving us behind and going on his own. I know nobodys relationship is perfect everybody falls out but that was harsh. I could never leave my baby and I dont want her to do without her daddy.

Feel like in some ways I should go for him cause he done it for me but feeling scared of the unknown. The more I get pushed into doing things the more I struggle to do it

OP posts:

EBearhug · 10/08/2014 21:46

How practical is it to go back to Wales? Has he got a job to go to? It's all very well wanting to go back, but how feasible is his ultimatum?

FlossyMoo · 10/08/2014 21:48

Op he sounds as if he has made up his mind already. To consider leaving you behind does says a lot. He clearly has few feelings for you or his child to even think about leaving you behind.

Sorry to say this but to me it sounds as if he doesn't care if you stay or go and would probably prefer you to stay. He has already checked out of the relationship.

If you went with him because you were pushed you would regret it and resent him.

Stay with your family and friends OP. They will support you but please don't go where you are clearly not wanted. He doesn't care enough about you to work through it so why should you up sticks and move to be nearer people that don't like you.

Whocansay · 10/08/2014 21:53

I don't think it's only his family that like the drama. He's clearly quite good at creating his own. Nice bit of emotional blackmail there!

Did you ask him why YOU AND YOUR SON are not classed as his family? Are you less important? Is he really willing to abandon his child so casually?

Quite frankly, if he's serious, tell him to go, wave goodbye and congratulate yourself on a lucky escape. He doesn't sound much of a husband and father to be honest. He's thinking only of himself and your feelings count for nothing.

inlectorecumbit · 10/08/2014 21:59

Don't go with him. To give you an ultimatum like this just proves that given the choice you are not his priority nor his his DS.
Emotional blackmail, no more no less.
Let him go and consider yourself lucky for seeing him for what he really is.

Original poster

littlechick30 · 10/08/2014 22:01

Thanks girls. Yeah when he said that just broke my heart

Theres gd and bad points to going and staying but to me I think my baby would b more settled being here and shes my priority. Trying to get that point across to him when hes in a mood is pointless. Get more sense out of the wall. So ill sleep on it and see wot happens.

Oh for a simple happy life

OP posts:

MrsJoeDolan · 10/08/2014 22:03

are you a SAHM? or, if you wok outside the home could you find work easily in Wales?

cerealqueen · 10/08/2014 22:04

He'd go without you? Bloody hell. Not worth having in your life then, as you and his child are not his priority. Stay with your family, you will need them.

scottishmummy · 10/08/2014 22:07

No.there no yeah thanks girls.sorry but get a grip.this isnt for strangers to opine
You have a baby,a husband,and a tumultuous decision to make
Hes not wrong asking to go,you're not wring wanting to stay.thats the difficulty

Talk calmly
Write down the pros/cons
Practicalities like work, childcare
Will he have job to go to?will you have job
Accommodation?is it sorted,what about that

Much to be discussed
Good luck
And this really isnt one for the mn strangers,its both your real life

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclinatio · 10/08/2014 22:10

Love, he's being horrible :(

If he has actually said he's thinking about going without you - what is his ultimatum exactly?

Frankly, if it was me, I'd pack him a bag, hand it to him and tell him to fuck off. He can live wherever the hell he likes as he clearly doesn't want to be with you and your DD. Don't give him the luxury and the power of deciding whether he wants to stay or go while you worry & hurt. Wanker.

Annarose2014 · 10/08/2014 22:24

So.....he misses his friends so much he's prepared to live without his child essentially in order to be able to go to the pub with them?????

He'd basically be choosing Sunday dinners with his mum over living with his wife and child?

Thats.....insane!

I'd be packing a bag too. He's already made up his mind. Its very sad, but I'm not sure what you can do. If you uproot yourselves and go over, it sounds like you personally will have ZERO support.

Lweji · 11/08/2014 01:25

I'd say that your baby can settle anywhere, BUT, I wouldn't move based on an ultimatum. It's a red flag already and you'd be left isolated if you moved, and more vulnerable.
He should be convincing you how wonderful for you it would be to move, not behaving this selfishly.

Joysmum · 11/08/2014 01:27

He's lived in your country for a while, why shouldn't you try living in his. He has a point.

MexicanSpringtime · 11/08/2014 01:36

I honestly don't know if you'd have a problem bringing your child back to Ireland if you moved there and then split up, but it would be something you would want to investigate, IMHO.

Chiana · 11/08/2014 02:22

Don't go. Like others have said, he's already checked out. If you go with him because of an ultimatum, chances are you'll just end up splitting in the end anyway. And you could end up with residency issues if you split up in Wales and subsequently want to move back to Ireland. I'm sorry G's being such a dickhead, but stay put.

Chiana · 11/08/2014 02:24

He's being a dickhead, not G's being one. And I realise now that another poster has already pointed out the potential residency issues.

holidaysarenice · 11/08/2014 02:36

Actually I feel I have to stick up for him. I have lived somewhere where all I wanted was to be in my home country. It was horrendous and seeing other people with family made it worse.

Is bit possible your own baby has brought out more family ties in him and it might settle?

Was it always a long term goal of both of you?

Like others I think you need to sit down and sort it out.

He may be so miserable in Ireland that he could consider being alone. That's not necessarily abandoning you but a sign of how deeply unhappy he is. Only he and you can work that out.

Could more regular or longer visits help? Both to see if you could all settle there or to remove te rose tinted glasses of what living there could be like?

AdoraBell · 11/08/2014 02:37

So when he's "in a mood" he won't listen.

Is that what you are saying? If so then you would be better off without him even if this situation hadn't arisen. He is stonewalling you, which is a form of emotional abuse. As is the in-laws trying to split you up.

With DCs you need supportive people around you. What support would you have in Wales with these people who don't value and respect you?

Lweji · 11/08/2014 06:24

If you are in the Republic of Ireland, forget about moving. Residency would be an issue. You'd have to check if you are in Northern Ireland.

The problem here is not so much how fair it is to move, or how easy it is.
The problem is how he treats you already. He's saying he is capable of leaving you and he stone walls you, as pointed out. Plus his family seems perfectly capable of isolating you and there's every chance that you'd be alone, having to make friends with a young baby, and totally dependent on him.
If he is not capable of supporting you and his only arguments are that he will leave you, then let him. You won't be doing anything to the baby, he will.
I think your gut is scared of moving and probably rightly so.

Does he contact his family regularly? Does he travel regularly back? Does he have friends in Ireland? How long has he lived there?

ChanelNo19LoveIt · 11/08/2014 06:31

The ultimatum is a bit imperious.

MY way or it's all over. If he's prepared to end it over that, then there'd be another ultimatum soon. I mean, just how desperate is a grown man to live that near his family? Wales is not Australia.

If you are settled in Ireland with the support of your family then don't leave purely because it's what he feels he wants. The support of your parents is going to be more valuable to you than the support of his parents. When I was up to my knees in toddlers my mum was changing bin liners for me and popping to the shop to get milk. My x's mother sat their smiling waiting for a cup of tea and a biscuit.

Lweji · 11/08/2014 06:36

I moved countries with my now exH a few years ago.
We discussed pros and cons, I was much keener on the move but told him that I would stick by the family and it had to be a family decision.
I think that should have been his starting point.

throwingpebbles · 11/08/2014 07:17

I would be very wary of going. Its v tough being miles from home without a family support network around, especially if your relationship isn't great. (Voice of experience )

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