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Original poster

Can a vicar/priest divorce after a long separation & can they date..

28 replies

lifestrangerthanfiction · 10/08/2014 19:27

..a woman who identifies as Christian but who doesn't actively practice? I'm not an atheist but not seriously religious, more bordering on agnostic. I do understand and respect christianity due to my family being active, but never in a million years did I think I'd be interested romantically in a priest/vicar (he's not English, but not a Catholic)! Shock

I've met him in a very informal setting, we've got on so well, really clicked I thought, some lingering looks from him too. I can't stop looking at his photos now Blush. Lovely sensitive guy.

Should I stop being silly and just not go there? I loosely invited him to visit me in the UK as his son lives here. I've been told (by friends) that he's been living separately from the wife for nearly 10yrs, different countries but no idea whether they do meet and what their relationship is like , but I think it's obvious that it's not a functioning marriage. I know that even in this case the vicars are not allowed to divorce.

Anyone had any experience/knowledge of this?

He did seem to be pleased that I suggested to meet here, so if he acts on it, I'd like to know whether to drop any hints/make moves, or should I stay well out?!

Sorry for the bizzare thread, can't discuss this with mutual friends.

OP posts:
Pinkfrocks · 10/08/2014 19:30

Even Catholics can divorce.

Priests can remarry simply because priests and vicars can carry out marriages of other divorcees in church.

The law allows remarriage of anyone- whether his conscience allows his to is another matter.

But- you do seem to be rushing things- meeting a man and wondering now if he is a potential partner for you on the basis of one meeting.

Deftones · 10/08/2014 19:43

My dad was a vicar, he has since remarried the OW having got defrocked for prolonged very unchristian behaviour...

They can remarry like anyone else I believe.

I couldn't marry someone religious, I'm atheist, vocal about it too and I'm sure no religious person would like to marry me either Wink

If you like him, go for it. Just be wary if he drinks haha

Original poster
lifestrangerthanfiction · 10/08/2014 19:46

thanks, Pink. I know it sounds like I'm rushing, I'm just very sensitive and my reactions can be strong, I assure you he has no idea, at least no more than a hint that I likes him. We did meet twice, in social situations that gone on for a while. I did have that gut feeling, doesn't happen often at all!

I wouldn't rush things if we met again, I would see how I feel and then MAYBE drop more hints about dating, not marriage! I just know he's traditional and I doubt it that he could have flings, hence question about the potential.

I did get carried away in my mind but I know I shouldn't. If I was told that they couldn't divorce at least I would stop myself in tracks already, when daydreaming Hmm.

Is this the English law or in any country? He's not a resident here. It's considered a no-no in his country for priests, morally at least. He;d have to move here for the more lax attitude!

OP posts:
Original poster
lifestrangerthanfiction · 10/08/2014 19:51

wow, Def Grin! a vicar who drinks heavily AND has an OW! thankfully you are not religious or you wouldn't want to inroduce your father to anyone (sorry if the joking is ott!)

I'm also curious, what did he do after being defrocked? Did he find another job or was it all depressing and downhill from there... and how old was he roughly (a mid-life crisis??). How did he cope with changing his social circle completely?

OP posts:
Benedictinemonk · 10/08/2014 19:52

Marriage is a legal contract recognised by the state and, assuming the state allows divorce, anybody can divorce, and remarry in a civil ceremony (Registry Office in the UK). Whether a particular church recognises the divorce is another matter, and a church may say that a divorcee cannot remarry in its establishments, but that is no barrier to the legal procedure.

Original poster
lifestrangerthanfiction · 10/08/2014 19:57

Benedict, but could a vicar remain in their job if they divorced, even if legally permitted? Or would his career be finished, I suspect it would in many countries if not the UK.
The church in his country can marry people without having to go to registry office, though obviously those who are atheists or others can marry in reg office. And divorce isn't recognised by the church there (if married in church).

OP posts:
Pinkfrocks · 10/08/2014 20:36

Put us out of our misery and say which country.

I think you are muddying the waters by asking 3 different things- what is legal, what his church allows its priests to do, and that he would do himself.

You really are jumping the gun you know.
You don't know if this man wants to be 'unmarried' or has any desire to have another relationship with anyone.

By all means see him as a friend but keep your imagination in check.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 10/08/2014 20:55

Is he a vicar or a minister? C of E vicars are subject to C of E rules, dont know what that means in terms of divorce.

I belong to a Protestant church, not C of E, and our ministers are allowed to divorce, as are some other protestant/ nonconformist denominations.

I do think you need to find out a bit more.

Original poster
lifestrangerthanfiction · 10/08/2014 20:55

I know, Pink. I'm not saying he wants to do all these things, but if I knew he COULDN'T, I wouldn't even encourage a meeting if he comes here, or at least change my mentality to seeing it as a 'friendly catch-up'.

I do know what his church allows (no divorce), and you've all told me what's legal, but I think what's legal isn't so relevant as it can still ruin his career. Still useful to know it's legal in the UK, so thanks.

It may be just my silly imagination but I thought he was getting progressively happy in my company, and there was a lot of eye contact. He also tried to pursuade me to meet up one more time before he goes, but I/we couldn't do it as had other plans. I only really want to know whether to give it a shot by encouraging another meeting (just us, or maybe one more person), not assuming things will work.

Can't divulge country as some mutual friends are on MN. OK, can say it's in Eastern Europe.

OP posts:
Deftones · 10/08/2014 20:56

My father is still alive, he now works managing volunteers and lives in a new house with his new wife. However, his behaviour has seen him all but cut out of his 4 children's lives, we see him twice a year.

he's happy enough, he got defrocked due to his awful behaviour, I'm sure had he just divorced my mum, he'd still be a vicar Grin

He's a wally!

Pinkfrocks · 10/08/2014 21:20

why don't you leave the running to him? you are trying to engineer it when it's really his call- he's the one with a wife and a vocation.

If he thinks you are the best thing on the planet then he could walk away from the church tomorrow and get a job in a bar- or whatever.

If he liked you he will make a move.

Do you always chase men like this?

Original poster
lifestrangerthanfiction · 10/08/2014 21:31

Def, yes he does sound ' a wally'! Interesting though that he could continue to be a vicar if he behaved well but got divorced, I think it's different in other countries.

I will leave it to him, Pink. A very fair point about him being in a complex position, not me. I wouldn't be engineering - I already suggested meeting here when I saw him recently and he sounded responsive, but I won't ask again! I really meant, whether to meet at all when he does visit his son in the UK or would it be futile. Sounds like I should give it a chance IF he makes any steps.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 10/08/2014 21:44

You'd need to find out what the rules are in his church/denomination, and whether they would be mre important to him than a relationship if they would forbid it.

What CofE or any other clergy could do in this country isn't really relevant!

AMumInScotland · 10/08/2014 21:46

Oh and you certainly don't have to be an active Christian to marry clergy of any variety.

Original poster
lifestrangerthanfiction · 10/08/2014 22:24

PaxmanFan sorry didn't see you message as cross posted, er I don't know what's the difference between vicars and ministers!

AMum, I know his church doesn't recognise divorce if married in church but also no idea whether he'd ever rebel - or if he wanted to move to UK and practice whether that may be easier. As to his priorities - no idea as I've only met him recently. But thanks for the info in your last message! at least that's good news.
Anyway, will wait and see if he makes any steps towards me, going by responses the situation is not impossible but not very likely. It was good to chat about it, takes the edge off wishful thinking!

OP posts:
ChillieJeanie · 10/08/2014 22:29

If it's an Eastern European country then is he Orthodox? Married men can become priests in the Orthodox church (assuming it is their only marriage), but they can't get married if they were ordained first. He could not remarry and remain a priest.

The various protestant denominations have their own rules, so you do need to find out about his particular denomination. Although it does rather sound like you are jumping the gun!

ChangelingToday · 10/08/2014 23:04

My friend is an ex catholic priest and is married now. They married civilly first then he got his full discharge or whatever it's called (he was lucky he didn't have to wait long, usually it's about 10 years) and they then married in the church.

Original poster
lifestrangerthanfiction · 11/08/2014 12:53

Chillie, yes, it's orthodox, and I pretty much know that a priest can't remarry without losing their career - unless (?) possible if tey move to work in another country. So you've confirmed what I though - thanks. Yes, I will try to get this out of my head. IF he shows any initiative, then there will be something more to discuss. Just feel like it's sod's law as I rarely like/click with someone, plus he's properly separated with grown children, and now this Confused. Oh well.

Change, 10yrs! Shock you mean discharged from being clergy - and that takes years!? he probably wasn't married before though- more like a monk. What did he become after he left his work?

OP posts:
Original poster
lifestrangerthanfiction · 11/08/2014 12:58

Change, ah ok, so he could still marry civilly without waiting for discharge, that's not too bad. Was she religious? Sounds like he may have wanted a change in any case, as was prepared to lose his career, that's really the only option in these situations.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 11/08/2014 13:07

Catholics cannot divorce (at least, the Church does not accept divorce, although of course they can legally divorce. Divorcees can go to mass but aren't allowed to take communion). They can have their marriage invalidated if it wasn't consummated, if one of the parties seriously deceived the other (for example, by concealing a life-threatening condition), or if either one of the parties did not believe in marriage when they got married (of course, this only works once. If you get married again, you can't give that excuse again).

Catholic priests can technically marry, but they are completely ostracised by the Church and cease to have a position.

If this man's a non-Catholic vicar, I would say there is no problem at all, though. (Other than potential incompatibility of beliefs and attitudes, etc.)

DistanceCall · 11/08/2014 13:10

Orthodox priests can marry, but they can no longer become bishops, apparently. In this case, this man was already married, so no loss there.

ChangelingToday · 11/08/2014 13:15

Yes she is religious they both still are. He hated it from the beginning but went ahead with it to keep his mother happy. Made himself very ill worrying about his decision to leave, hospital stays and all.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 11/08/2014 13:20

Even Catholics can divorce

No they can't.

Walkingthroughwords · 23/11/2020 09:50

I'm curious! What happened in the end? I'm here because I'm getting divorced and considering becoming a vicar!

praepondero · 23/11/2020 09:56

Sorry, my first thoughts after reading the thread title were - aha, a Hot Priest, in real life Blush. (Have been re-watching Fleabag.)
(Leaves the thread respectfully.)