Feel like walking out....

[bluecitymum]

I have a 3 year old, a 3 month old and am currently off on maternity leave. My husband works long hours as he is aiming to become a partner. The short version is that I feel like a single parent! I am beginning to wonder if I might as well become one. After working all day Saturday and then going out drinking from 4pm to 2am, he then proceeded to lie in bed til midday waking up refreshed and confused why I was so upset. I am sleep deprived and as a result shouted at him! Now he feels he had the moral high ground because I lost it! What to do?

Tell him how you feel.

Then listen, very carefully, to his response.

Sorry to hear this - his behaviour sounds very unthinking/unreasonable. Did you know in advance that he was going out drinking or would be late back? It sounds like you need to have a frank chat about sharing responsibilities. Don't let him shrug that off by referring to fact you lost your temper (I definitely would have!)

Men have it so easy, just make sure he knows this is not on, a 1 off maybe. It's so hard x

Id tell him how you feel and hopefully he'll offer thatvyou can have an evening off and a long lie this coming weekend. Perhaps suggest it. Does he generally help with the dc?

I think you are too emotional right now because of your pregnancy. It is best that you talk to your husband how you feel so he'd understand. Most men are not so sensitive of how women feel and therefore we need to tell them straight out. He can't read your mind so better speak out.

I saw this video and had better understanding on how men think differently than women. Hope this helps.

That's very selfish behaviour. His "moral high ground" stance is just deflection, IMO. You have every right to be angry.

I am waiting for the children to go to sleep before we talk. I am worried about not being coherent as I am so tired I feel like a zombie! He is usually more than willing to listen but acting on my concerns is a different matter.

Yes salted, I knew he was going out but had no idea it would be for so long. As far as he is concerned he does what he can outside the framework of his working long hours. This is proving to be far from enough and I feel frazzled all of the time. Thanks for your replies!

Thanks for all the support and advice- I already feel loads better! He is fab with the dc just not here enough for this to be the partnership that I want it to be.

Lotsofcheese- I will use that in our discussion later, thanks!!

Good suggestions, thanks.

Well, except that he is not fab with the dc is he? He is not there. He thinks his needs trump all of yours.

Warn him that the family is unravelling and that you are losing respect for him.

Fox, you are right on every level! It upsets me greatly to say that I am losing respect for him and I am treated like an employee at times.

This needs sorting as I feel my sanity drifting away...

Hmm so when is your time off then?

He's been out 4 pm till 2 am and then off duty till mid day the next day. So you're entitled to do the same - not necessarily going out drinking (unless you want to!) But even going shopping / going to bed early / having a lie in.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking because he works long hours etc he's entitled to more down time than you. A 3 year old and a 3 month old is sheer hell. You're working as hard as each other.

Can you afford some help with the chores? If you had a bit of time to yourself, would it make you less resentful of his attitude towards weekends? I'm a full time working single mum and the weekend for me is just chores and housework ie my other job. It's not ideal but I survive but I KNOW that if I was on duty 7 days a week and my dp viewed weekends as switch off time (which isn't unreasonable, to be fair), the resentment would drive me insane! It's easier doing it by myself because I have no-one to resent, iyswim, but when there are 2 people in a relationship, there should be equal time for relaxation and fun.

Linerunner has it spot on.

Tell him how you feel. Sit back, keep quiet and listen to what he says. What's his response to your feelings. Once he's told you (he may promise to change, make more effort etc). Watch his actions.

The working hard is one thing. Out drinking from 4pm til 2am then a lay on til mid day is ripping the piss.

Yvyb, her dh switching off at weekends whilst she continues to care solely for the children is certainly not fair enough. He can only switch off because she's there to carry the can!

Fairy I have done exactly that- completely convinced myself that he deserves more rest. I absolutely know that isn't true but somehow that feeling has sunk in. Must shake it off!

I wouldn't have an issue with the 2am plus lie in thing so long as I get to do the same or have an equal chunk of time off too. Sounds like a calm chat is needed as others have said and take it from there

Mamma thanks for making me laugh 'ripping the piss' hilarious!

:) Essex girl here. Can you tell?

Yes, you deserve equal time off. Two kids that age is no picnic. Bet you're doing all the night time getting up as well, am I right?

Seriously though, make sure you let him know YOU need downtime too. Your week is a working week too- you deserve equal 'time off'. Get the calendar out during the chat and book a weekend for you to go out.

The weekends (or free time if he works on a Saturday) need to be divided equally or at least compensated for the next weekend.

I don't have a problem with him going out at all it just annoys me that he can roll in drunk and have the choice to sleep in the next day. With no thought to how many night feeds I had done etc.

Will let you know how it goes!

Yes EC up at least twice a night on my own for 14 weeks!

So YOU should be getting a lie in at weekends! If you're FF, perhaps he could do the weekend night feeds?