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Original poster

Should i respond to this letter

40 replies

inmyshoos · 10/08/2014 10:57

Decided to go nc with in laws for 6 months to give us some space and see if this would be better for our family.
They are horrible and insensitive and dont really care about our family as has her other son and his family nearby. He has always been the favoured one according to dh.

Mil has just sent us a letter, really horrible and completely unnecessary.
I am blown away by her lack of awareness that it is not just all about them.
Im not sure if we should respond or not. At the moment it feels like she is having her say and it paints a completely inaccurate picture from where we stand. I feel like pointing out how it is from here.
Dont want to write a novel but example being my dd has just broken her arm and needed an op to fix it. She is 7. We have no family nearby. My dd adores my mil and so dh aaked mil to come up for a few days but she said no. In spring mil offered to come collect our 2 dc on the bus to take them to her other gc party because other gc is upset her cousins werent going to make party (we live 4 hrs away). So mil can do an 8 hr rnd trip for that but when asked to come for a few days to spend time with dd after her op she said no. The letter says poor other gc was upset because she didnt get to see her cousin at the weekend and she had gone to the trouble of buying her flowers. We didnt see them because mil demanded we go on the one day we had other plans because it was the only day that suited her other son and his family. Mil had sent a stroppy text saying 'oh i give up' despite it being my dhs 40th birthday that weekend. So she sends the stroppy text because we cant make the day that suits them and now because we didnt see them she sends stroppy letter about how dissappointed they were etc.
This probably seems like nothing but there is a huge history of them being vile.
I just wondered if it is worth replying. I dont think they will ever change but at the moment it feels like because she is the only one voicing how she/they feel its like these are the facts.
I just want nc because it just causes stress and upset for our family.
Sorry i know this is long and all over the place but since getting the letter i cant sleep as i am so flabbergasted by its content.

OP posts:
SecretSpy · 10/08/2014 11:02

it doesn't sound like you actually went NC?

If you are going NC you need to disengage. Asking her to help out is giving her opportunities to annoy and upset you and won't end well.

Was the letter a barrage of criticism?

Zephyroux · 10/08/2014 11:03

Poor you, they sound like a nightmare. I really wouldn't reply, why give them more fuel to burn you with. Maintain a dignified silence and know that this will drive them wild!

Lovingfreedom · 10/08/2014 11:10

My ex and his family wrote me a few long emails to which I told them...sorry, I can't read all that because I don't want to.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 10/08/2014 11:11

The nc was just decided after the refusing to come see dd and the stroppy texts over my dhs 40th. Its always about the other son and his family. We had an arrangement for the Saturday which i told mil about then she texted saying only days suits other son and his family is Sat. I say well we cant make then and she says 'oh i give up'. That was the straw that broke the camels back. It was my dhs birthday yet as usual it was all about the other family. So we decided lets try nc. Then this letter came.

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 10/08/2014 11:15

So you haven't actually gone NC yet?
I remember the thread with your DDs broken arm.
I'd give it one more try- be really explicit with your invitation eg: 'Mum can you come and stay as we need help as DDS broken her arm?'

MommyBird · 10/08/2014 11:19

I've been told to not engage with my MIL.
Anyway.

She has publicly slated me on facebook and texted. I have explained till i'm blue in the face about what SHE has done and how its made me and my family feel.

Do you know what it did?
Fuck all. Do you know why?
Because she thinks she is allways right, she has openly admitted that yes, she has told people I have an eating disorder because i'm so thin.
She actualy tried to justify it and then blamed ME for being offended.

You can't reason with people like them.
It will just raise your blood pressure and get you angry.
Don't waste your time!
Have Wine

Quitelikely · 10/08/2014 11:21

I would write a letter back to her detailing why you are upset with her actions over the years. I know some folk on here would advise against it but personally I'm one for getting things off my chest. She may not have a clue how her behaviour is being perceived by yous.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 10/08/2014 11:22

No way we are giving it one more try. This letter only confirms nc is needed.
The letter is full of digs and how we have dissappointed them etc.
Im just not sure how to actually initiate the nc. I feel like changing our phone number but wonder is that is cowardly.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/08/2014 11:26

This was low contact rather than no contact. No contact means precisely that.

Do not respond at all to MILs letter (full of bile probably along with a laundry list of your own supposed shortcomings); any contact or communication from you will be seen by her as a reward and thus she will bother you even more.

You need to ignore them, the best revenge here is to live well and not have them at all in your lives.

DH still seems very much in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) if he actually asked them for help with your child. Such people like his parents do not care and do not change, they will not become nice all of a sudden. I would give him Susan Forward's book called Toxic Parents. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles, this other family are favoured and you are seen still as scapegoats for their particular ills. It is NOT your fault they are like this.

These people too do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions, the rule book in dealing with family relations goes out the window when it comes to dealing with dysfunctional family members.

Detach completely and radio silence is the way forward.

A good rule of thumb here is that if you find them too difficult/toxic for you to deal with they will be the same towards your children as well. You also need to keep your DD away from such people, she will get nothing at all positive from any relationship. I doubt very much that your ILs actually like your child in the usual sense of the word because they will use her to get back at you both. It will do her no favours at all if you allow her to be exposed to such manipulation on their part.

gobbynorthernbird · 10/08/2014 11:26

I think I remember your last thread, OP, and you don't seem to be able to see the other side.

Did you ever explicitly ask your MIL for help, and sort out the clashing birthdays?

Original poster
inmyshoos · 10/08/2014 11:26

I imagine it would be like that with mil. She thinks they are all wonderful and it is us who are the problem. Fil is complete control freak.
I do like getting things off my chest but when i start writing a letter i keep giving up. There have been so many incidents and i know that despite these being hurtful for us they will see them as 'ridiculous'.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/08/2014 11:27

lightshouse.org/how-to-go-no-contact.html#axzz39z33OUP3

How to go No Contact, you need to read the above.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 10/08/2014 11:29

gobby why do you think i cant see things from their side?

OP posts:
Original poster
inmyshoos · 10/08/2014 11:30

Thanks attila will have a read.

OP posts:
MommyBird · 10/08/2014 11:31

Oh yes.
They are disspointed, heartbroken, can't believe she's being treated like this, all she's ever done is love us Hmm done her best for us...blah blah blah.

She can say a lot of stuff. Words are cheap. Actions are what count. Take the lovley words away and what are her actions showing?

My MIL loves her DGC so much..that she didn't see them for 6 weeks because she couldn't be bothered..then blamed us for not making time for her..in those 6 weeks i'd just given birth to DD2 and was getting texts and voice mails off her and FIL telling us how upset MIL is she isn't seeing the DGC..Hmm

It gets worse before it gets better.
Its been almost a year now since we saw her and about 5 months since we heard from her.

Its been stress free and beautiful!

MommyBird · 10/08/2014 11:32

Attila helped me with my MIL, she is full of good advice!
She has changed our lifea

magoria · 10/08/2014 11:34

NC means just that no contact. A letter is contact. So no letters.

Change your number or get call recognition and an answerphone so all calls can go to there.

Don't listen to the messages or read any more letters. Delete and straight in the bin with them.
As this is your in laws it has to come from your H. If he is not driving this you are wasting your time.

AnAirOfHope82 · 10/08/2014 11:35

I would write my side and detail dates and examples in very blunt short words and then at the bottom write we want no future contact with you due to the reasons dtated above and wish you and family every happeness together in the future. And attempt to contact us will be seen as harrassment and logged with the police.

Then ignore any contact and log with police if needs be.

Cereal0ffender · 10/08/2014 11:35

I remember your other thread, I think you just don't like her and are looking for reasons to cut her out of your life

inlectorecumbit · 10/08/2014 11:39

Block her on everything..change your phone number if needed. Block her on FB -you do not have to read whatever bile spills out her mouth.
I would stay NC as you cannot win with her it will always be about BIL's family and her and it would seem she has already hurt your DD with her in refusal to visit.
Do not reply to the letter at all, she will always wonder what your reaction was and she is probably waiting for contact to restart with this peace of shite.
The best revenge is to live well and happily with your DH and DC

Lovingfreedom · 10/08/2014 11:41

What's the MIL actually done wrong? Does it warrant coercing your DH into breaking contact with his family? Can't you just rise above it if she's a bit of a PITA?

Original poster
inmyshoos · 10/08/2014 11:43

cereal that isnt the case at all. I think she is a fantastic Gran. Patient, calm and good fun. She just chooses to lavish her attentions on the other gc. Fil doesnt like me because i am capable and have an opinion. He prefers people he can manipulate and control.

I have tried hard to keep the relationship going. When i first met dh he had very little contact and i couldnt understand why. Now i do.

OP posts:
Original poster
inmyshoos · 10/08/2014 11:44

loving coercing dh?

OP posts:
FreeLikeABird · 10/08/2014 11:48

I wouldn't reply, I would also change my numbers, block her and just ignore her, anyone that stresses you out in life like this, really is not worth it, life is stressful enough without people acting like this.

Let her say and think whatever she wants, at the end of the day if you just ignore her and don't react there's not a lot she can do, if you reply your just opening the gates for communication again and the she will see fit to reply to you, it's just going to go round in circles and give you endless stress.

Lovingfreedom · 10/08/2014 11:50

I've got no idea if you are or not but it would prob be fairly serious before a guy would cut off his family and I can't understand what's actually happened here and whether there's anything to worry about. Ignore the letter if course it's pish, but just accept she's an interfering bag but not worth getting upset over? Just a suggestion

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