Should i respond to this letter

[inmyshoos]

Decided to go nc with in laws for 6 months to give us some space and see if this would be better for our family.
They are horrible and insensitive and dont really care about our family as has her other son and his family nearby. He has always been the favoured one according to dh.

Mil has just sent us a letter, really horrible and completely unnecessary.
I am blown away by her lack of awareness that it is not just all about them.
Im not sure if we should respond or not. At the moment it feels like she is having her say and it paints a completely inaccurate picture from where we stand. I feel like pointing out how it is from here.
Dont want to write a novel but example being my dd has just broken her arm and needed an op to fix it. She is 7. We have no family nearby. My dd adores my mil and so dh aaked mil to come up for a few days but she said no. In spring mil offered to come collect our 2 dc on the bus to take them to her other gc party because other gc is upset her cousins werent going to make party (we live 4 hrs away). So mil can do an 8 hr rnd trip for that but when asked to come for a few days to spend time with dd after her op she said no. The letter says poor other gc was upset because she didnt get to see her cousin at the weekend and she had gone to the trouble of buying her flowers. We didnt see them because mil demanded we go on the one day we had other plans because it was the only day that suited her other son and his family. Mil had sent a stroppy text saying 'oh i give up' despite it being my dhs 40th birthday that weekend. So she sends the stroppy text because we cant make the day that suits them and now because we didnt see them she sends stroppy letter about how dissappointed they were etc.
This probably seems like nothing but there is a huge history of them being vile.
I just wondered if it is worth replying. I dont think they will ever change but at the moment it feels like because she is the only one voicing how she/they feel its like these are the facts.
I just want nc because it just causes stress and upset for our family.
Sorry i know this is long and all over the place but since getting the letter i cant sleep as i am so flabbergasted by its content.

You kept the relationship going because you are both nice and reasonable and wanted originally to get on with his family. Also you likely come from an emotionally healthy family as well so meeting this lot of DHs was somewhat outside your own life experience. Your sole mistake throughout has been for you to try and maintain any form of relationship with them.

The term "PITA" does not even begin to cover how unhealthy such dysfunctional families actually are. Unfortunately not all families are emotionally healthy and as you have seen, they will stick the boot in and constantly as well. MILs reaction is typical toxic parent type stuff; they follow a script. Because you do not adhere to their "script" or "rules" they stick the boot in. They continue to scapegoat you all, that is the role they assigned to you.

You have a proper handle on this now so act on this newfound knowledge you possess. MIL and FIL were emotionally inadequate as parents to your DH and now they are poor grandparents to your child, at the very least they are appalling role models. MIL is not a fantastic gran at all (I wonder why you used such terms in the first place) if she constantly shows over favouritism towards the other family.

Don't reply. You can argue with unreasonable people till you're blue in the face and make no progress. If she writes again, return the letter without opening it so she can see she's not getting through. Of course, your DH might crack before you do ...

Hi Op

If I'm honest for me ide want to tear them a new one, because I hate people getting away with bad behaviour.

But, ide like to know what your other half thinks, because I feel that the reply if there is to be one is to come from him. I not sure why you have to be painted as the arsehole of the family if there are two of you.

Not rising to answer her would wind her up, but also it means she got the last salvo in if she doesn't care. Maybe if you must reply get your dh to reply telling them not to bother you both again.

On a separate note does your husband talk to his brother?

I remember your other thread, I think you just don't like her and are looking for reasons to cut her out of your life

I completely agree with NC usually but I also remember your other thread and I agree with the quote I've highlighted.

IIRC, one of the OPs points of upset was that in-laws couldn't have a birthday lunch on a Friday or Monday (there is considerable distance between the families), and with work patterns could only manage a Saturday. OP couldn't do the Sat as a member of her family had a birthday. So MIL obviously hates OP.

MIL didn't want to travel for 4 hours to help OP walking her dogs etc, when OP DD had a broken arm (OP hadn't actually asked for help, just invited MIL for a visit and MIL declined).

I'm not saying that MIL is perfect, I don't know her, but it really didn't seem like awful behaviour.

We've had a rocky ride with my inlaws. Stemming from their favouritism of their other son and his child.

I am NC with the other son for other reasons.

We've ironed it out a bit now, but it still happens (not seeing our kids as much, not treating them to things the other dgd are treated to, making special 6 hour round trips to see dgc but not ours etc etc) and I just point it out now. It does cause bother, but I'm sticking to my guns.

Wrt you going NC with your inlaws, it's something you and your DH need to be sure about. What happens if the NC lasts forever, how will you all feel? Is there a middle ground?

From what you've said in this thread (not read your other ones that I can remember) I don't understand why your husband would go no contact with his entire old family.

I'm concerned that your husband doesn't really want to cease all contact with his family.

Dh doesnt know what to do. His default is to do nothing at all. He has had a lifetume of being manipulated by his controlling father.

I'd take a deep breathe and try and smooth things over for now. Be very clear about how you want to go forward with them and review it in 6 months time.
As others have said the birthday/ broken arm situation was a typical family scenario that blew up for many reasons including you not being clear.

And are you whispering in his other ear OP?

There is nothing stopping you giving it all up, handing the entire thing over to your bloke to handle (or not) don't read any letters, don't ask about phone calls or get into back and forth texting with then.

From what I can glean from your posts is you are very vocal with your bloke about his family and he's probably pig rotten sick of hearing about it.

I remember your other thread especially the incident about the 40 th and tbh it was you that was being difficult.

I can understand your viewpoint as it was DHs 40th however, I can also understand that MiL might prioritise GC birthday over DHs (if I have understood correctly that it was same weekend).

I don't know the backstory, but it sounds as if both sides can be difficult and perhaps not communicate clearly / well with each other.

And as Guilty asks above what's the relationship like with the brother?

coffee We had arranged to travel 4 hours and stay with my parents because my brother was having a party at their house for his daughter who lives 5 hours the other way with her mother who is seperated from my brother. This was our reason for the visit. Mil had asked if we would be visiting around dhs birthday. I said yes we would and would be busy on the day of dns birthday party but could do any of the other days including dhs actual birthday. She then textx to say only day that suits is the day of my nieces party as that is the only day her other son and his wife can make. When i say obviously we cant make it, which she knew already, she sent a stroppy text saying she 'gives up'. Where in this am i being difficult?

Dh and his brother only see each other if their paths cross when they are visiting their parents. Before i met dh he had seen his parents/brother once twice a year max. Dh never phones them and gets stressed for around a week before their bi annual visit. If anything i try to encourage him to ring more etc but he always says his dm can't wait to get off phone and he feels he needs to be 'phoning for a specific reason'. Not sure why some of you have me down as some bitch that is nipping his ear about them as it is not the case. If dh visits them alone he comes back pissed off needing to vent because his df is so twisted.