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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What the actual fuck is wrong with me?

63 replies

Mumof3xox · 08/08/2014 18:25

"Dp" and I have been together 7.5 years. We have 3dc. We are due to be married in a years time.

Yet he still regresses every so often into an immature selfish little shit

Here I was thinking he has finally got past the going out and fucking us off as it hadn't happened for a while

But no. Here I am again. Absolutely livid and trying not to get upset infront of my dc

I just need to fuck him off perminantly don't I

Funny thing is, I don't want to hurt him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3xox · 09/08/2014 08:18

Probably partly my own fault for having accepted it so many times

OP posts:
Muddlewitch · 09/08/2014 08:22

He is an adult, he is making a choice to act this way. It's 100% his fault, not yours.

You deserve so much better than this.

Original poster
Mumof3xox · 09/08/2014 08:25

I should have put my foot down years ago but I suppose if I had I may not now have all my lovely dc

OP posts:
noddyholder · 09/08/2014 08:29

It is great that you aren't financially dependent on him This should be taught in schools!

Quitelikely · 09/08/2014 08:30

I know you love him but just kick him out and he might actually realise he wants to be with you and the dc.

But if you do what you've always done you will get what you always got. That's true

Original poster
Mumof3xox · 09/08/2014 08:31

The only thing I am dependant on him for is school run when I am in work

Push comes to shove a childminder can do that

He doesn't provide physical or emotional support
He provides little financial support tbh

Although when it's good I love the company
Yet when it's bad I hate myself for sitting about waiting for him when he just won't show up

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3xox · 09/08/2014 08:32

Quitelikely, I have done that several times before, for upto a couple of months, when he has promised to have changed

Same. Old. Shit.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 09/08/2014 09:11

Well it looks like you know what you have to do. This isn't your fault buoy have obviously tried so hard to keep things together and it's obviously just wearing you down.

It's a merry go round and I suppose you will stay on it until you decide that you truly have had enough.

I take it you have tried to compromise with him regarding his nights out? Ie once a fortnight and your home at a decent time etc

Also taking his friends back? Staying up all night I'm thinking they're on something to fuel there awakeness? (Is that even a word)

What does he say when you challenge him about all this?

LiberalLibertines · 09/08/2014 09:16

I don't think you should give a second thought to 'the look on his face' I mean really, he can't possibly be surprised after ripping the piss this weekend.

Dig deep, you deserve better, so do your kids. :(

Original poster
Mumof3xox · 09/08/2014 09:17

The agreement was one night a week and that he actually comes home

Seems that is too much to ask

OP posts:
JaceyBee · 09/08/2014 09:30

You shouldn't need an agreement. He's not your teenage ds, he's your partner. He's an adult who can technically do as he pleases, but it's entirely up to you whether you put up with it or not, and in your position i don't think I would.

My exh was like this. It's a huge part of why we split in the end.

Original poster
Mumof3xox · 09/08/2014 09:39

Thank you all for your advice

It sadly seems these situations aren't that uncommon

I wonder what makes people behave like this?

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 09/08/2014 09:44

So you have been more than fair. He just isn't ready to change by the looks of it. My heart goes out to you. Is he home yet

Quitelikely · 09/08/2014 09:47

I think they do it because they can get away with it, because they lack respect for their wife and children.

If that was my partner I would do to him what he does to me, so I would say I'm going out, not bother coming back until the next day etc. just to show him what it was like.

Not ideal but it might get through to someone like your dp

Original poster
Mumof3xox · 09/08/2014 09:50

I have thought of that before

But I wouldn't want to do that to my dc!

He hasn't returned no
He is unlikely to do so until at least mid afternoon and even then it will be texts first

OP posts:
however · 09/08/2014 10:42

Well, he might have to step up and provide financial support now.

Quitelikely · 09/08/2014 10:51

Then I suppose once he gets in he will have a massive hangover so just sit on his ass while you look after the kids.

Start thinking of life without him. Life can actually be amazing when you're with the right partner. Mutual respect, knowing whats round the corner, knowing that if they say they're popping out for a pint that's all they're going to do.

Will he go if you ask him or kick up a stink?

Original poster
Mumof3xox · 09/08/2014 11:17

He will go

Tbh he probably will come back to pick up clothes and go to his parents

He will just expect it to be for a few days

OP posts:
kaykayblue · 09/08/2014 11:54

You really need to stick to your guns OP. He is not going to take you seriously. You guys keep having the same discussion - maybe break up for a few days - and then he makes puppy eyes and you forgive him.

His behaviour is in no way your fault, but you need to take responsibility for continuing to allow him to behave like this.

You need to do something different this time which prevents you from taking him back in a few days (as per the standard pattern).

Go and see a solicitor. Tell your parents. Make your decision known to other people so they can help support you.

But for the love of god don't take him back. He sounds like a bratty teenager. Urgh.

LiberalLibertines · 09/08/2014 15:24

Did he come back? knobhead

Original poster
Mumof3xox · 09/08/2014 15:31

For all of 45 mins

Got some clothes. Quick play with dc.

I didn't speak to him

OP posts:
knowledgeispower · 09/08/2014 15:37

So sorry OP. I can definitely relate to the not wanting to hurt them. I was shown a lack of respect in my last LTR but not in this way. Promises to 'work on things' then slowly back to the same old pattern.

Stay strong Op Thanks

LiberalLibertines · 09/08/2014 15:39

Jesus, the brass neck on him!? He really does think you're a push over doesn't he? Either that, or He doesn't care.

I'm sorry love, are you alright?

Original poster
Mumof3xox · 09/08/2014 15:53

I am fine

More angry than upset

Think this kind of thing can only upset you so many times and then it just makes you angry

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 09/08/2014 16:00

Make sure he takes the dc tomorrow so you can get a break. Will he do that?