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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H watching porn after sex :-(

36 replies

lillyofthealley · 08/08/2014 11:25

Name changed (I hope)

I borrowed my Hs tablet a couple of weeks ago. He is not keen on anyone looking at his tablet so I went to delete my history. His history was deleted but not his google browser history. In this there was a large amount of milf porn. Viewed up to 6 times per day including when me and the dcs are in. He looked at it 5 times on our wedding anniversary, after we had been intimate that morning.

I have now got a obsessive curiosity with it and am checking it all the time. When I first looked I realised that when he was having a sleep in on his day off, I was up running around trying to get 2 children out to school, he was upstairs viewing this porn. I checked yesterday and he viewed it 20 minutes after we had sex. What do you think? I suppose I would be oblivious if I hadn't borrowed his tablet. The milf thing bothers me as I am 9 years younger Than him.

Our marriage isn't good and he is EA, very controlling and critical :-(

OP posts:
Jan45 · 08/08/2014 11:37

No way to live OP, you've said yourself he's EA and basically a horrible man, a horrible man that appears to have an obsession with porn.

Look, sorry to sound harsh but you either love yourself that little bit more than him and decide you want a life free from a bully and a sleaze or, you accept it and carry on being miserable, it's really that simple.

Smilesandpiles · 08/08/2014 11:38

Our marriage isn't good and he is EA, very controlling and critical :-(

he is EA

he is EA

he is EA

Have you spotted your reason to leave yet? No?

Here's another hint..

He is EA

Just a heads up, this EA will be taken out on the kids soon.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/08/2014 11:41

The only amount of abuse to accept in any relationship is NONE!
You have stated he is EA and controlling and a bully and he puts you down all the time.
And now you have found out he has a porn habit!
That's enough to end this.
Please contact Womens Aid.
Do yourself and your self-esteen a favour and get away from him.

Original poster
lillyofthealley · 08/08/2014 11:45

Thanks for the quick replies. I know you are probably going to shout at the screen because so many women say this but I need a reason to leave that he feels guilty enough about so he will leave me and the kids in peace when I leave. I have made plans, I just need to do it. Im waiting on the edge of this fucking cliff scared to jump.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but my thinking is screwed up.

OP posts:
Smilesandpiles · 08/08/2014 11:50

I would shake my computer if I could afford another, never mind shout at the screen.

You have listed a few reasons why you need to leave already.

Yeah, the jump is scary. If you want a push, we'll give you one.

ALL THIS ABUSE YOU ARE DEALING WITH NOW WILL BE DIRECTED ONTO YOUR KIDS.

Do you want your kids, the children that you love so much and will do anything for, to feel what you are feeling now at the hands of THIER FATHER?

Do you want to be responsible for screwing them up more, then he is screwing you up now?

There's your push, there's your reason to leave, you've already made plans, now get on with it.

Hold your breath, run and jump. What he's like afterwards doesn't matter but I promise you this, you will feel a million times better this time next week if you leave today.

Jan45 · 08/08/2014 11:53

He has you conditioned to believe you are a lesser person than him, in everything.

Until you make the jump your thinking will be skewed, do it, do it for you and do it for the children.

You have plenty reasons, he won't feel guilty, he doesn't care what you think.

kaykayblue · 08/08/2014 11:53

He has no shame, so he is never going to feel guilty about anything he does. What's the point in you waiting for something that is never going to happen? He will inevitably blame his use of porn on you, so he can absolve himself of responsibility.

Just leave.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/08/2014 11:57

It's gonna be hard.
Really hard.
It's frightening and scary.
But you have your plan and you do NOT need something else in order for you to leave.
What are you waiting for? To be punched in the face? Dragged around the house by your hair in front of your kids?
Seriously???
If you can't do it right now then please start keeping a log of everything.
Every little thing he does or says. Every put down. Every bit of abuse.
Write it all down, dates and times included.
I hope you find the strength soon for the sake of your poor DC.
They should be your main priority here.
Not finding a reason to leave that he feels guilty
He's an abuser. He won't EVER feel guilty. They just don't do guilt.
They think they are fully justified in their actions.
They think it's YOU!!! And they will reason and justify this away every time.
Stop waiting for him to feel guilt. You will be waiting a hell of a long time for that.
Actually, probably when hell freezes over!
Even if he does punch you or push you or slap you, it'll still be YOUR fault in his mind.

Original poster
lillyofthealley · 08/08/2014 11:57

Thanks smiles, I know what I need to do. I am really shitting myself. We have been together 23 years the EA has been very very gradual. Its only from reading on here that I realiaed what was happening. And one day when I woke up not havong a clue who I am or what I like. Thanks for the straight talking.

OP posts:
Smilesandpiles · 08/08/2014 11:57

Come on, you've got plans in place, you got hundreds on people on here supporting you and willing to help you through this, you are more than likely going to be better off financially (in fact I KNOW you will) and...you will be happy!

You! Happy! It can happen but only if you make it happen. No one else can make you happy, only you, and that's a lesson I've had to learn myself so you're not the first to go through this.

Smilesandpiles · 08/08/2014 11:59

23 years is a long time to be lost and abused.

Enough now. You've spent 23 years with him, it's time for you to make yourself happy.

MillyDots · 08/08/2014 12:01

Doesn't sound right him looking at porn AFTER sex with you. Does he nor orgasm or do you think he pretends to? Can you say why you believe him to be emotionally abusive? What does he do?

Original poster
lillyofthealley · 08/08/2014 12:04

Jan, I do feel lesser than him and I am a bit of a people pleaser too. I don't like to hurt anyone.

Kay and hells, the guilt thing, you are right, everything that happens in his life is always someone else's fault. Its so exhausting being with him. He's constantly angry or upset about something.

Kay, its alien to me that he can't possibly feel guilty, I want him to realise, but its just not happening. I feel horrendously guilty at the prospect of upsetting him, even though heakes me feel terrible.

OP posts:
MillyDots · 08/08/2014 12:06

Have you spoke to him about this?

Jan45 · 08/08/2014 12:07

So, you are the complete opposite of him, kind, consideration, loving - so why do you feel the need to stay with someone who has none of your qualities - makes no sense OP really.

He won't realise, he doesn't care OP, he only cares for himself and his needs, he gives not a jot about yours, wake up!!!

Original poster
lillyofthealley · 08/08/2014 12:14

Smiles, yes 23 years, I think the invested time makes it harder because its like admitting it was wasted. And it'sa very long time to waste. But I suppose Iit's better than wasting another 23.

Milly, yes he orgasms, I see the evidence (sorry TMI) The EA started with small things
The house never up tp his standards, I would do a task,he would re do it and point out he had done it properly. Makes me feel guilty about seeing my family. A couple of digs and pushes, tells me how to drive, thinks my body is his personal property, he will expose me as he walks past me in the house or wake me up for sex. Moans if his evening meal isn't ready when he walks in. Deliberately starts having a go at me at 11.30 at night when ive been asleep half an hour and im disorientated and tired. Things like that.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 08/08/2014 12:18

OMG he sounds vile.
Definitely time to get the hell out of there.
You do NOT need to put up with this shit.
So it's already violent!
No going back.
Put your plan into action and get away.

Smilesandpiles · 08/08/2014 12:18

It wasn't wasted. You've got children out of it and it's been a learning curve Wink

Don't think it was wasted because it wasn't, and it won't be because you are learning from it (by recognising it wasn't right and making plans) and will continue to learn from it.

Now you just need to close that chapter of your life lesson and start of the next one. Change is always scary but look at what you have to look forward to!

Smilesandpiles · 08/08/2014 12:18

It wasn't wasted. You've got children out of it and it's been a learning curve Wink

Don't think it was wasted because it wasn't, and it won't be because you are learning from it (by recognising it wasn't right and making plans) and will continue to learn from it.

Now you just need to close that chapter of your life lesson and start of the next one. Change is always scary but look at what you have to look forward to!

Jan45 · 08/08/2014 12:21

OMG, please get yourself away from this monster, never too late to start again and love yourself.

MillyDots · 08/08/2014 12:21

Thank you lilly. He really doesn't sound like a good man at all. I was reluctant to tell you that you need to leave your relationship as you had said so little about your problem up till now. It must be really awful for you living with him and I know you are scared but you and your kids could have a lovely little life by yourselves in your own little home free from worry about him and what he says and does.

Smilesandpiles · 08/08/2014 12:22

Hells Bells is right.

It's already starting to get violent. You need to get out now before punches are thrown.

I may be reading too much into this bit exposes me as he walks past and waking me up for sex but to me, that's also, possibly, leading up to rape. It won't be long before he just doesn't bother to wake you up first. (Been there, it's not nice)

Original poster
lillyofthealley · 08/08/2014 12:29

Thank you, I needed a little bit of support and confirmation of my thoughts if you know what I mean. After this long, I really do question my judgement. Everytime I have questioned something he has said/done as being upsetting or wrong, he comes back with"im only joking, god you are so miserable". And he has said this so many times I came to believe it.
Thanks again

OP posts:
Original poster
lillyofthealley · 08/08/2014 12:31

Yes smiles, my lovey children are so worth it and deserve much better.

OP posts:
Smilesandpiles · 08/08/2014 12:32

Come on then. What's the plan of action? What can we do to help?

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