H watching porn after sex :-(

[lillyofthealley]

Name changed (I hope)

I borrowed my Hs tablet a couple of weeks ago. He is not keen on anyone looking at his tablet so I went to delete my history. His history was deleted but not his google browser history. In this there was a large amount of milf porn. Viewed up to 6 times per day including when me and the dcs are in. He looked at it 5 times on our wedding anniversary, after we had been intimate that morning.

I have now got a obsessive curiosity with it and am checking it all the time. When I first looked I realised that when he was having a sleep in on his day off, I was up running around trying to get 2 children out to school, he was upstairs viewing this porn. I checked yesterday and he viewed it 20 minutes after we had sex. What do you think? I suppose I would be oblivious if I hadn't borrowed his tablet. The milf thing bothers me as I am 9 years younger Than him.

Our marriage isn't good and he is EA, very controlling and critical :-(

We can all be super sensitive at times to things our other halves say but to make it always your problem is wrong. If you were really sensitive then he would not say things to wind you up all the time. He is making you question yourself constantly which is not good. I understand that you are apprehensive of making this move. What about if you and the kids could go away for a few weeks to be away from him and you could gather your strength and feel what it is like to be away from his influence. This could help you be stronger to return and say what you have decided.

Right, I have requested a tax credit form just now but that can take 2 weeks it says on the website, I have had a quick look at rentals in the area if it's me that leaves with the DC, there are some affordable ones. I have access to some money but will need the tax credit to support me really as I have uniforms to buy still. I am ok with the practical side I think, its the emotional side and actually having the conversation I need help with. I'm worried I will cave in like I have in the past and my guilt will keep me here.

He will be counting on you caving in - just remember that.

You can't go through with this anymore, you can't do this to the kids anymore.

You already know you can cope on your own, it's just telling him that scares you. You just have to keep reminding yourself of what is scarier, telling him you are leaving or another 23 years of this crap?

I know what you mean about needing a "big reason" to split. Especially as most people don't 'get' EA and accept it as part of a relationship, or it's not that bad, and "no reason to split up a family".

Of course, that's all bollocks, and you don't really need to justify yourself to anyone, but I get that this is a concern when you've been conditioned to believe your feelings don't matter and you probably "over react to everything" . So in your head, what is it you would say to friends, family and dc about why you left him?

It will help you to see how it might pan out.

Smiles, yes he will and he's very persuasive. The promises to change etc and he does for a while but then its back to how it was.

Lady, you put it very well. Its a difficult thing to explain, "I left him because he thinks im miserable or he liked the house spotless"

And in the past he will stop doing something if it upsets me but just move onto something else I don't do right. So in his head he's I can't moan because it's not the same thing I complained about initially.

You need to just come out and say that you are leaving and try to blank out anything he says.

Say you are leaving, grab your bags (or have them in the car ready) and walk out the door. "Ignore everything he says, it's all bullshit, it's nothing I haven't already heard before".
Keep repeating this in your head as you walk out the door. Dig your heels in, even if he physically stops you don't move an inch, don't look at him, don't say anythng else, don't answer him, just keep trying to walk out of that door. The most you can say is "I need to leave now, please let me pass".

Dog eared determination is what you need now.

He sounds just like my stbxh, we were together 22yrs, finally had enough after it gradually dawning on me how bad things had got, he finally moved out 2 months ago after several months of swinging from how much he could change if only I'd let him to anger and threats, the moment he left the mood lifted in the house, ds misses him but sees him regularly and is much happier, for me a period of absolute exhaustion but sooo happy! Please do it, it's not easy but so worth it

He'll tell everyone he has no idea what he's done wrong or why you are doing this to him..but you know and so will those that matter

You don't need to explain to others but I sense from your posts you definitely need to justify it to yourself and most prob your dcs.
And the horrible thing is that is really difficult when you've had years of EA. Every time you say to yourself, "I deserve better", the other voices come back in saying "oh don't be so daft, just get on with it, it's not like he hits me or anything, and he did put the bins out last month/ or similar"

But this, for you, has lasted 23 years. When is it enough?

You can do it!! Give it a go and surprise yourself!

Op I am wondering if you'd actually feel guilty about leaving, or if you're more worried about his reaction? His anger? You may well have good reasons to be worried, so don't tell him before you leave. Others here can give you great advice about what to be sure to take, etc. and also be sure to get legal advice first. You do need to know your rights and that will help you face his anger and arguing.

Good luck.