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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We've separated and she won't try again.

55 replies

anonqioy · 08/08/2014 07:06

As you can guess i'm male, i've looked for a good advice site for men but they don't seem to exist, so i'm trying here, please be gentle.
we've been together 19 years and been married for 16, we have everything 2 wonderful children (13 & 14), lovely house, nice cars, money (enough to live a comfortable life).
On Saturday we decided to have some time apart, we've had a rough few years, for 2 years my wife completely shut me out, nothing, but i put up with it because i loved her so much. Then it happened i had an affair, i never went looking for it, it just happened.
I left my wife in January because i couldn't carry on, but she wouldn't let go and pleaded with me to come back so 2 weeks later i returned as i realised what i was letting go, unfortunatly a week later she slept with a friend and i found this out on friday in an email in her phone and it detailed what they'd done how she felt about him and me.
I want her back so much, she swears the affair is over but her tank is empty and doesn't want to try again.
We have everything all i want is one last try but she won't stop looking back (at what we've both done), if she could just look forward to how we could be we'd have a wonderful life together. we've both done wrong but we are so good together.
I'd just like some advice, please be gentle, i'm at my whits end.

OP posts:

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 08/08/2014 07:19

it just happened

TalisaMaegyr · 08/08/2014 07:20

Yeah, she was probably at her wits end when you screwed around first. What do you want people to say?

dolicapax · 08/08/2014 07:21

Let her go, and let her go with your blessing. If she wants to be with you she'll come back in her own time. If she doesn't, it will save the both of you a whole lot of heart ache.

There will be a reason why she shut you out, and that is probably fundamental to the whole situation. Then you had an affair. It doesn't sound to me like she has an awful lot to come back to. In her shoes, I'm fairly sure I'd want out too. You say you're good together, but are you really? Poor communication, infidelity, rough years, time apart? Why would she stay?

The best you can do is separate, give each other space, but keep communicating.

penguinplease · 08/08/2014 07:24

You don't have everything, you have no trust.

Let her go. Affairs don't just happen.

Fairylea · 08/08/2014 07:24

You're in denial a bit really. Affairs don't just happen. You don't just slip and end up sticking your penis in someone.

I think your now ex sleeping with someone else put the rage and jealousy into you. So how do you think she felt when you did it?

When did you actually split up? If you have any hope of saving this I think you need some proper time apart (6 months ish) to explore a separate life and do some soul searching.

Coughle · 08/08/2014 07:26

What advice are you after? If she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to.

ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb · 08/08/2014 07:32

Give her some time and space and try to accept that you might not get what you want. You can't make her love you or make her want to come back, you can just put your feelings and intentions out there and wait. You messed up dude, sure you had problems but you crossed a line and a lot of people would find it hard to get passed that. It sounds like there has been a lot of drama and upset lately so no wonder her tank is empty!

Also you said you had a rough few years and your wife shut you out but you put up with it, I suspect there is more to this story; it's rarely as one sided as you seem to feel it is.

If you're looking for advice on how to get her back I don't think you'll find it here but my advice would be to stop looking at your relationship with rose tinted spectacles, if you can't see the real problems and look honestly at your own behaviour instead of just critically at hers you won't get anywhere.

newnamesamegame · 08/08/2014 07:34

what fairylea said

You've both had affairs. Don't know the circumstances, there may be mitigating ones on both sides, but you seem to be very casual about this and almost suggesting this can just be swept under the carpet. Affairs do massive damage to a marriage but you seem not really to be trying to look at why they happened or what needs to happen to repair the marriage.

Similarly you say she "shut you out" for two years but don't elaborate on this. What do you mean by this exactly? Do you mean no sex? she didn't speak to you? Didn't spend time with you?

It sounds as if there are some very deep-seated issues in the marriage. If you are to get through them you are both going to need to do a lot of work, probably with counselling, and you are both going to need to absolutely be on he same page.

If your wife has reached the end of the line with this marriage, as sounds likely, you may be better off just leaving her to it. She may then reach a point where she wants to talk again. But you can't force her.

Reese123 · 08/08/2014 07:36

Life has taught me the hard way that you cannot force someone to love you, if they don't want to be with you, then they don't. Have some dignity and don't make an ass of yourself - I wish someone had given me that advice.

ElizabethArdenGreenTeax · 08/08/2014 07:36

So you left her.

It's no wonder she's called time. It sounds like it was a struggle, and you checked out first. Not that she ever needed permission to leave an unhappy marriage, but from what you've said you checked out first.

Good luck to you both. Please accept her decision and the pair of you can both go on to have happy lives and do a lot more living.

FWIW, my x genuinely believes he did nothing wrong. That was one of the most flabbergasting comments for me. It pulled the rug from under me (a bit, again) more than the original bad behaviour. That there had been no analysis, no inward examination, no acceptance, just the same old irritation that I hadn't buckled under.

ElizabethArdenGreenTeax · 08/08/2014 07:43

please go back (in your head) to the time before she started to shut you out as you say. Was there something that she had been trying to communicate to you before then?

I know it's not mature, and I wouldn't do it again in a relationship (i'd just end it) but with my x, if I was trying to persuade him to allow something (pathetic of me I know) l would ask first, then use reasonable argument, then I would try to get him to allow it by conceding on some other point. Finally I would punish him with silence in the hope that he would hear that.

So it might be helpful to think back to what she was trying to communicate before it went bad, or who she wanted to be then, or what she wanted? were you, hand on heart, open to that? your kids would have been a bit older, it would have been natural for her to start to want to 'grow' a bit as a person, look at new ways of filling her life, developing her career, or just fillig her day. were you supportive?

tribpot · 08/08/2014 07:44

if she could just look forward to how we could be we'd have a wonderful life

But she is looking at what you are. Two people who are unhappy together despite all the 'on paper' advantages of the relationship. Your past can't be conveniently shut away and forgotten about it - you have both had affairs. That will always be true now. If both of you sincerely wanted to try to recover from that perhaps the relationship could be repaired but neither of you do. She wants to end things and you want to forget it happened.

It's time to let this go.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 08/08/2014 07:50

You fucked someone else, then you left her? And now you want her to just forget all about it and try again? And she doesn't want to...big surprise.
Whatever the cause for your wife shutting you out you have mishandled it spectacularly and now you have blown it. By shutting you out by the way do you mean sexually? I'd be interested to know the domestic set up prior to this period - who worked, how much, who did the lions share of household drudgery and childcare...

WildBillfemale · 08/08/2014 07:58

It sounds like your marriage was over for a while if she'd 'shut you out' for 2 years prior to the affairs and 'time apart'.

Relationships rarely have nice tidy endings unfortunately and this mess of affairs on both sides indicates the marriage was over anyway.

If she doesn't want to try again I'm afraid there is nothing you can do except accept it, part as amicably as possible and leave any doors open if in the event she decides to give it another go. It doesn't sound likely though.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 08/08/2014 08:00

She 'shut you out'. You have no clue why. Did you actually ask her why or just go shag someone else because that's how your post reads. No one shuts another person out for no reason but you sound like you expected her to behave herself and when she stopped, rather than communicating with her, you just went elsewhere for it.
If you really want to know what went wrong, ask her!

herald · 08/08/2014 08:14

You are going to get some honest opinions on this site , I am a divorced man who wanted a poor marriage to work , due to an affair by my now ex wife the marriage ended, I don't think you can force her back after both of you have had an affair and to be honest could you both really get over that once the trust and respect has gone.

Maybe it's time to move on and start planning for the future apart , it will be difficult it always is but once it is all sorted everyone's life will be better.

kentishgirl · 08/08/2014 09:19

And also, the only positives you list for your marriage are a list of material possessions and financial advantages. Those things have nothing to do with how happy or unhappy a marriage is.

Smilesandpiles · 08/08/2014 09:22

You cheated first, she was hurt, couldn't trust you and cheated herself. She's already moved on from the relationship emotionally, that's why she's shutting you out, never got over you cheating on her in the first place.

Face it, it's over. Dead in the water, move on and accept that you screwed up royally.

Whocansay · 08/08/2014 09:26

Clearly nothing is your fault. You are completely passive and a series of unfortunate events have just happened to you.

How can we advise someone with such poor luck?

Smilesandpiles · 08/08/2014 09:27

Just a question that I've been dying to ask

For a note in the future (if someone male could explain this as I can't figure this out)..why mention the cars?

I can promise you, when it comes to a relationship, most women couldn't give a shit about the cars, but why is this so important to men?

I've come across this in RL a number of times too. I don't understand this.

Lacuna · 08/08/2014 09:36

I don't expect she gives a toss about nice cars.

It's over, you need to accept that. You don't give any details about why she shut you out, and I expect that's because you've not really thought about why. You went off and had an affair and left her, that was your reaction to it.

Yes, you've both done wrong. You've both made a bit of a mess of things, by the sounds of it. But listen to her when she says her tank is empty and she doesn't want to carry on. You think you've got 'everything', she's telling you she's hurt, exhausted and wants it over and done with. Let her go.

Lacuna · 08/08/2014 09:37

Cross post smiles. I don't understand it either. Who cares about the car you drive when your husband's off fucking someone else?

Fairylea · 08/08/2014 09:44

I agree re the cars thing.

Your wife isn't another possession. She isn't part of your tally of good life equals. ... wife, nice cars, money, children - tick.

Something happened to make your wife shut down. Did you help as much as home as you could have? Equal spending money as your wife? Equal alone / hobby time? Equal parenting?

In order to move forward - not even necessarily with your ex but in future- you need to strip the relationship right back and look at what might have contributed to the breakdown and shutting out.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/08/2014 09:47

Affairs don't just happen
You didn't accidentally fall and your cock ended up in some poor unsuspecting woman.

As she 'shut you out' for 2 years, I'm not entirely sure you were the first to cheat.

But this sounds horribly messed up.

She doesn't want to try anymore - stop trying to make her.
Agree to separate and make it as amicable as possible for the kids.

You can then both move on to your new futures, without each other.

lacktoastandtolerance · 08/08/2014 09:55

^Smilesandpiles
Just a question that I've been dying to ask

For a note in the future (if someone male could explain this as I can't figure this out)..why mention the cars?

I can promise you, when it comes to a relationship, most women couldn't give a shit about the cars, but why is this so important to men?

I've come across this in RL a number of times too. I don't understand this.^

I'm male and I'm afraid I can't explain it, but then I also don't see the fascination in discussing whether my transportation device has 3.8 flangebadgers or a 7 calendar engine

As soon as I got to this part when I was reading my reaction was that OP was more concerned about material wealth rather than emotional happiness.

Personally I define success as being happy, not secretly fucking people I shouldn't and driving home in a nice car to be with my sad wife in a nice house.

People are to be loved, things are to be used - not the other way around.

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