We've separated and she won't try again.

[anonqioy]

As you can guess i'm male, i've looked for a good advice site for men but they don't seem to exist, so i'm trying here, please be gentle.
we've been together 19 years and been married for 16, we have everything 2 wonderful children (13 & 14), lovely house, nice cars, money (enough to live a comfortable life).
On Saturday we decided to have some time apart, we've had a rough few years, for 2 years my wife completely shut me out, nothing, but i put up with it because i loved her so much. Then it happened i had an affair, i never went looking for it, it just happened.
I left my wife in January because i couldn't carry on, but she wouldn't let go and pleaded with me to come back so 2 weeks later i returned as i realised what i was letting go, unfortunatly a week later she slept with a friend and i found this out on friday in an email in her phone and it detailed what they'd done how she felt about him and me.
I want her back so much, she swears the affair is over but her tank is empty and doesn't want to try again.
We have everything all i want is one last try but she won't stop looking back (at what we've both done), if she could just look forward to how we could be we'd have a wonderful life together. we've both done wrong but we are so good together.
I'd just like some advice, please be gentle, i'm at my whits end.

Thanks Lackoftoast

As soon as I got to this part when I was reading my reaction was that OP was more concerned about material wealth rather than emotional happiness.

Same here.

Nice cars? What does that have to do with the price of fish?

Your marriage is broken. It can't be fixed. Focus on ending it amicably and with the least upset to any dependants you have. Communicate. Listen.

It will all be fine in the end.

You may like to hang up that Teflon coat of yours and sit down with yourself and do some hard soul searching, I would advise councelling.

In the mean time you should give your wife space to mend and accept that for now it is over. Move out, don't be an arse make sure that maintainence payments are payed to her, put in place an appropriate contact schedule with regards to your dc (working with your stbx and your dc). You can do a lot to make things easier all round, by giving a stable framework to the next stage of your relationship (the ending), that is the support through this ending. No harassing her, no abusing her, no manipulations with regards to the dc. Behave with integrity and empathy.

She is not an item/object/ she is a human with her own choices, you have to realise this.

You are lucky she didn't send your balls to outer space, I would if I had been cheered on.

You can do this the right way or the wrong way, I suggest that you do some reading and make sure that this transition goes smoothly and calmly. Maybe one day she will want you, maybe she won't, she sure to hell isn't going to be bullied into it. You have to understand that you only ever have controls over yourself not others.

Good luck and have a slice of humble pie

Cheered! cheated

I think you're flogging a dead horse and I think you are partially responsible for killing the horse. You do seem very conscious of material comfort. Are you trying to keep the relationship so you can keep the stuff? It's really not worth it, and I love nice cars.

Thanks Lackoftoast

You're welcome - and I wanted to prove that I can do italics.

This post brought to mind a couple I knew years ago who were very happy to all their friends. Huge house, lots of money. They bought each other £25k cars as an anniversary present one year.

Now divorced after a string of affairs and deceit. Money doesn't buy happiness but it helps you hide the misery....

Give it up, it was over the moment you decided to shit all over the relationship, it then lead to more dysfunctional and toxic revenge - seriously why on earth would two people think it a good idea to be together when they can't stay committed or faithful, I think you are just imagining things were better than what they actually are, at least she is seeing it for what it is, a waste of time.

Money doesn't buy happiness but it helps you hide the misery....

It certainly does.

She has the right to not want to be with you.
you have to accept that.
you cant make someone be with you and you arent owed a certain number of chances.
she has made her choice. You have no choice but to accept her right to make it.

Your first mistake was to "put up with" your wife's shutting you out. I'm guessing this means that you didn't ask her why she was giving you the cold shoulder; didn't discuss what was wrong or why she was unhappy, and just said nothing? You weren't a poor martyr "putting up with" something nasty your wife was doing; you were an equal partner turning a blind eye to a problem that both of you had. You don't give us any clue as to what that problem was - did you ever give it any thought at all? Might your wife have dropped some hints about what problem she had?

In what way are you good together? Apart from driving your lovely cars in convoy, that is? Are you looking back to the early days of your relationship now?

OP, it is very easy, once your partner has taken another man to bed, to look back at the failed relationship and think it was bloody great. Your jealousy has been roused by her sleeping with someone else and you are telling yourself the future could be great. Look at what was happening before either of you dipped your wick elsewhere, because there lies the truth of the relationship.

You take absolutely no responsibility for having an affair and abandoning your wife ("it just happened" my arse) - and now you are baffled as to why she isn't foaming at the bit to keep working at the marriage?

Okay.

, for 2 years my wife completely shut me out, nothing, but i put up with it because i loved her so much. Then it happened i had an affair, i never went looking for it, it just happened.

this is passing the blame for an affair to someone else - you did it - man up

we decided to have some time apart
WE ^
a joint decision you have decided not to honour
i realised what I was letting go
WHAT ^
did you notice you said what - not who....

you have an idea of what you want
"how we could be we'd have a wonderful life together."
but you don’t and you haven’t for years ^
if it could be fixed - why hasn’t it been? you may need to give up on the idea of your marriage being potentially ideal as - its wasn’t - it isn’t - it wont be -

you obviously have areas in which you are not compatible
so when you say
We have everything
what exactly do you have ? and what don’t you have that has caused this rift ?

when I asked what exactly you have - you do realise I wasn’t asking for a list of the contents of your house ?
", lovely house, nice cars, money (enough to live a comfortable life)."

Can't think of one good reason why a woman should 'try again' with an adulterous partner.

anonqioy, you may have been given some bitter pills to swallow, but you'd get more out of this if you swallowed them, swallowed your pride and responded; we don't know you, our judgement is essentially irrelevant IRL so it won't hurt to consider some of the questions and points. Might be constructive, even. Don't just dismiss it as being flamed; would be a shame to ask for advice and opinions then ignore them because you don't like them.

Doubts the op will be back. ..... :)

I don't think anyone is going to give him some hot tea and sympathy, which is what I think he was hoping for.

thankyou for the honest replies, i deserved and expected it. For those that provided constructive feedback thanks.
for the 2 years i tried so many times to make it work and we discussed it many times but she wouldn't change, to this day she still swears she doesn't know why she reacted like this.
As for the cars I'm not a material person, i had the people carrier while my wife had the sports car, it's not always a man thing.
I will take the advice and try to let her go.
Thanks again

Sorry OP - you say you'll "try to let her go" - but there is no "try". There is only actually doing something or not doing it. And you may get an amazing response if you really do let her go. The only way to find out is by doing it.

Good luck.

Give it time OP. If you and your ex are really that great together then perhaps she will come round to the idea of a reconciliation - but perhaps she won't. I would continue with the separation and see what happens, but don't pin all your hopes on the two of you getting back together. And perhaps after a bit of time apart you will reflect on things yourself and realise that your relationship really wasn't that great, despite the material comforts you had together.

I'd work on rebuilding your life, focus on maintaining a positive relationship with your children, and perhaps explore why you felt the need to have an affair. It didn't just happen, you made a choice and I think taking responsibility for that choice and accepting that it was within your power to have the affair or walk away before things got to that point will be an important part of your healing from this experience and moving forward with your life, wherever it takes you. Your wife will respect you a good deal more if you are honest and take responsibility. I'm not saying it will mean you get back together, but it might help you two to communicate better going forward.

you'll both be happier.

nobody really says it when you get divorced but it's the adjustment that is really really tough, and telling people (I@ll admit that I found that hard, and then, before your identity has caught up with itself, being 'the odd one out') but all changes can be accepted and in 18 months to 2 years, you'll have a different perspective and you'll wonder why you ever wanted to go back to an unhappy marriage.

My x really resisted my leaving him. But I know he's happier now. He's with somebody else now who might be more right for him, and also, though he'd never admit it, he did LEARN a few things here and there from how he viewed me and treated me.

And I learned stuff too.

At the moment it's all still so raw, the "try" will become "will" soon.
We're still able to talk and i can see the children pretty much as much as i like so hopefully this will continue as we've agreed they are now the most important people in all this. I will do everything i can for all 3 of them, I know what I've done.

She's not just going to forgive and forget and move on with you. Why would she? Thats what my ex expected me to do. You have destroyed someone's life with an affair and then you expect them to just forgive and forget and move on. No. She'll probably be haunted by images of you and your other woman together, in bed, laughing about her etc. Its a horrible horrible thing to do another human being.

If I can give you some advice: you won't be able to brush all this under the carpet. You need to do some serious BEGGING. And I mean BEGGING. And some serious EXPLAINING as to why you had the affair, which will probably include long term counselling. And some serious PROVING that you can now be faithful (hand over passwords for all phones and laptops, explain your whereabouts at all times etc.) And pull out all the stops to do everything for her from now on. Make her the centre of your universe, even if she is refusing contact with you. And don't be surprised if after this, she still doesn't want you back. It was your decision to be unfaithful.

I don't seem to be agreeing with the general consensus on MN today is it me
I do genuinely think that op has had a rough ride from posters. It seems to be because he is a man. Its the old saw but I really don't think he would have had the same response if he were posting as a woman

I assume you mentioned the cars to give an indication of your general financial ease ie no particular financial worries on the marriage. It was the affair 'just happening' that got posters' backs up. There is a big runup to affairs, they don't just happen. It was you being vague around this that probably pissed posters off.

You also don't give any details about why your wife shut you out for two years - why no details? You are vague about these key events - though specific about your wife's shag 'with a friend'. These are gaping holes in your story so perhaps it's no wonder posters have filled in the gaps.

You specifically asked, twice, that posters be gentle, and that's not what you got. The majority of us are women who strongly responded to the vague gaps, perhaps your wife does too.

I can speak to you here from the other side of this.

My husband didn't have an affair, but he abandoned me during hard times. I know he still loves me. When he sees me he cries. I still love him because I am crying right now as I type. I ache for my husband. I think I will love and miss him for the rest of my life.

But I will divorce him.

Not because I don't love him or want to be with him. I would love nothing more. But because he did things that changed me, changed him and changed us.

That's very sad, and I would do / say / be anything if I could walk back in time and stop him from making the bad choices he made, but I can't. Nobody can.

I am sorry, but I understand why your wife does not want to try again. Sometimes we do things that no matter how much we wish we could - we can never take back.