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Original poster

AIBU don't want to leave my 3 yr old ...

58 replies

TooManyNames · 07/08/2014 22:14

An old friend has invited me to Cape Town for her sisters wedding. She said she'd pay for the flights but I would have to leave my DD (PFB) in the UK with DH. I don't want to be so far away from her. I've not spent a single night away since she was born. I've gone out and had bbsitters etc. in the evenings, but I'm there overnight and in the morning. AIBU to not want to go for this reason?

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 07/08/2014 22:32

will your DH have childcare issues if you go away? When i was working between having DC1 and DC2, DH went away for a week and I had to take the week off work because I couldn't do both drop off and pick up from childcare.

If you don't fancy going, don't go just because other people want you to and other people would enjoy it.

MyballsareSandy · 07/08/2014 22:34

I spent 3 nights in Barcelona on a hen weekend when my twin DDs were 3. They all had a whale of a time, the only negative comments were from my ante natal group when DH turned up very late to a party with the girls in a peculiar colour combination of clothes

MaryWestmacott · 07/08/2014 22:34

oh and will you know anyone? Will you just be brought along on a family wedding that's not your family, that kind of suggests a schedule and things to do, will it be a relaxing holiday, or will it be a 3 -4 day job as your friend's date?

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 07/08/2014 22:34

What about parents that have to

If you don't want to go, don't. But there's is nothing wrong on getting away for a few days when you have a little one.

Original poster

TooManyNames · 07/08/2014 22:37

Thanks all- I think you've made me see that I do need to let go a bit more. I don't need to decide now re: trip but am going to arrange some nights away and slowly build up to longer times/distances away.

OP posts:

Notso · 07/08/2014 22:40

I would be there like a shot.

Whoknowswherethetimegoes1 · 07/08/2014 22:48

Notso, me too! Cape Town, free flights, no responsibilities for a few days and nights - I would absolutely jump at the chance.

CafeAuLaitMerci · 07/08/2014 22:56

That's good :)

It's healthy for you, and for her, to understand that she isn't an extension of you. She is her own person and you are too.

You need to ensure you are not being defined by being your DD's Mum, that you aren't relying on being her Mum to validate your life.

She needs to know that other people, especially her Dad, can and will look after her, that she's safe with others and loved. God forbid should anything happen to you, she needs to have a safety net of people she has close relationships with and really, for those to form, she needs to spend time in their care, without you there.

Your DH needs to step up as well - why on earth is he nervous looking after his own child? Clearly he needs much more practice.

It's late, it's been a very long day so I'm not sure I'm explaining it very well... sorry. But it's good you are going to work on spending time apart & letting her develop better bonds with others.

Viviennemary · 07/08/2014 22:59

I think your DD should be fine on her own with your DH. But if you don't want to go that's up to you.

MrsS28 · 08/08/2014 07:49

YANBU - Cape Town is a long way away, I would not be comfortable travelling so far away from my little ones. Just be honest with your friend. I'm sure you'll understand and at the end of the day, your child is your priority, not your friend.

EveDallasRetd · 08/08/2014 07:59

We all make our own choices, and none of them are wrong. Some people are happy to leave their kids, some arent. Each choice, every feeling is valid.

For eg. My DD is 9. She has never been left with a babysitter that wasn't family, and even then, over the years I'd say we only did it 6 or 7 times. Last year, when she was 8 we left her overnight with my sister for the first time.

I have had to leave her with her dad for 5 days for work, and it was fine, but then he is a SAHD so used to it. The longest DH has ever left her alone with me is 2 days. Neither of us particularly want to be away from her.

I wouldn't do it for a holiday. Work was different because I had no choice, but given the choice I wouldn't. Neither would I feel guilty, that I missed out, that I needed time away from her or that I was causing her harm not doing it.

You are not unreasonable to not want to do it, and neither must you do it. There is no special benefit to be had from going away, nor from staying with her. You don't have to do anything you arent comfortable with.

TheXxed · 08/08/2014 08:06

Can I go instead! I would run at the chance.

Lovelydiscusfish · 08/08/2014 08:06

I couldn't do it either OP (my dd is 2.4). I have had several single nights away from her due to the kindness of grandparents, and could do a two night trip, but three nights or more would feel like too long - I would miss her too much!
Nothing at all wrong with people who can do it for four nights, a week, whatever, doesn't mean anyone loves their child less or more, I just think some people cope with missing people better than others. Similarly some holiday without their partners, others don't, some happy to work away, etc etc.
But I don't think OP that not wanting to do this trip is a sign of weakness in you, or so something you need to address unless you want to.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/08/2014 08:16

Your friend shouldn't lay guilt trips on you though.

Original poster

TooManyNames · 08/08/2014 08:36

Super useful - I've asked DH to read all your comments and he agrees to doing some sleep away from home training - the trip isn't until next August so let's see how we get on. Thanks again all ps. This was my first post on MN and has proven v useful!

OP posts:

Lagoonablue · 08/08/2014 08:38

No way would I pass up an all expenses paid 3 day trip! Yes would miss the kids but at 3 she'll be fine. Sometimes a little break can be nice!

Deelish75 · 08/08/2014 08:57

It's entirely up to you, but I wouldn't think of you as a bad mother for leaving her for a few days. Do you feel happy/confident that your DH will care for her properly? I left DS (5) a few times with DP and SIL over night from the age of 3 (only ever 1 night and we stayed in the UK). DP spent 6wks in the States when DS was 4. We skyped. DS lived to tell the tale.

But Cape Town Wow, I believe it's a beautiful city and would love to go one day, I'd be biting the hand off the person who offered me that.

Rumandcokeplease · 08/08/2014 09:00

Yabu, she is three, it will do you both good to spend some time apart!

SolomanDaisy · 08/08/2014 09:05

I wouldn't. Lots of people wouldn't. Plenty of people haven't left their three year olds over night and wouldn't want to. That's fine Plenty of people have left them and that's fine too. It's not somehow morally superior either way. Don't let how other people feel influence you.

Showy · 08/08/2014 11:31

Don't let anybody tell you what is right for you. You do not need to cut ties, man up, get a grip or do something you don't want to do. There is no right or wrong, only what is right for an individual family. I wasn't ready when dd was 3 and needed a slow and gentle transition into nights apart. She is 7 now and regularly sleeps over at grandparents' houses and on Monday is off to sil's house 200 miles away for 3 days.

Gileswithachainsaw · 08/08/2014 11:39

I'd go. She's with her dad an equally capable parent. I'd be annoyed if my dp never left me overnight with my own child tbh. It's not doing any of you any favours.

Having said that you feel how you feel and should do what you feel comfortable doing,

qumquat · 08/08/2014 13:44

It's completely your decision. I would happily leave dd with her dad for 3-4 nights; it's not 'leaving' her when she's with her own dad. But if you don't want to go that's your prerogative.

mosaicone · 08/08/2014 14:27

You wouldnt be able to get me on that plane fast enough! PAID FOR!!!! Wow what an opportunity.
I get what youre saying - I have been far without my children and it is nerve wracking but its also ok!! Theyve stayed with their dad (we are not together), we've skyped, its fine!

passmethewineplease · 08/08/2014 14:36

YANBU to feel how you do. If it were me though I'd jump at the chance. It is only a few days and it isn't as of you're leaving her with someone you aren't comfortable with, it's her daddy.

I would definitely jump at the chance.

Crazyblonde · 08/08/2014 14:39

It's totally your call. I personally wouldn't do it as won't leave my 2.5 yr old DS for longer than 1 night but that's up to me to make that decision, no one else.
If you are not comfortable then just thank her for her very kind offer and say that on this occasion you don't want to be away from your DD.

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