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Original poster

Friends who don't have babies

37 replies

StarsforAngels · 07/08/2014 20:47

It is wedding season and I am struggling.

I am married with 1 DS. Although not that young (almost 30), I am the first of my peer group to have a baby.

I am just really struggling with old friendships to be honest. I managed to hang on to childhood friendships when I lived not that far from home. I have now moved 200 miles away and to be honest feel like i am being made to feel crap by many of my 'old' friends.

I feel like none of them understand me!

I have got out to mothers groups and always knew that I would need t make the effort to make 'mum' friends - I have and am happy with this and am enjoying meeting new people and chatting to people who have children more.

My friend has a wedding and has just text me saying she has organised for my 1 year old to have dinner at the wedding... I just find it so frustrating - she never asked me and dinner is at 5 - (he goes to bed at 730) - I have said sorry can't do this but I feel like I am being ignored now.

My friends put a lot of pressure on me for me to drive 200 odd miles to come and see them and also seem quite put out when I can't.

It sounds awful but I have had it with these friendships. A few people are being more understanding so I just want to stick to them.

One of my 'friends' keeps messaging me saying 'you never keep in contact' etc etc and I don't know what to do. It's getting me down - this one particular person has been unkind to me on several occasions. I just want to let friendships like this go but its so hard when I am getting 'crap' for not visiting (driving my son 200 miles is hard work not to mention knackering for all involved).

Has anyone else found they struggle with some friendships after baby?

I am pretty stressed out at the mo with moving etc and try to talk to my old friends about this in the hope that they will cut me some slack but it just doesnt seem to happen!

OP posts:
Lally112 · 07/08/2014 21:01

How old is DS? I think its quite nice she arranged for your DS to have dinner at the wedding - its an extra expense she didn't need to go to and how many times do we read on here that weddings are often 'no children' zones. Just because he goes to bed at 7.30 could he not stay up a bit later for a special occasion?

PotatoesPastaAndBread · 07/08/2014 21:20

Don't worry - in five years it'll reverse. I've been a "friend without a baby" for years. Now all my friends have babies, their friendships have renewed and they've grown closer in new ways. Now I'm "a friend with fertility problems" and I'm the one who doesn't fit in. Hang in there - it won't be long before friends are catching up on the baby front and turning to you for advice!

Original poster
StarsforAngels · 07/08/2014 21:26

he is almost 1

Thanks potatoes :)

OP posts:
Original poster
StarsforAngels · 07/08/2014 21:26

he has not long been sleeping through too!

OP posts:
Original poster
StarsforAngels · 07/08/2014 21:27

plus the wedding is an hours drive from where we r staying (at my sisters as we r skint!)

OP posts:
Rainicorn · 07/08/2014 21:32

I can see where you are coming from, I've been there myself. My eldest child was nearly 6 when my friends started having babies. I did lose a few friends as I couldn't go out every weekend and I didn't have the time or energy to keep in touch about trivial things.

You're being a bit of a miser though wrt to the wedding. It's not gojng to do any damage your DS having his dinner at half 5 and stopping up a little later than normal. Do what most people do, let him sleep in his pram. If you can't afford it, fair enough, but don't use his bedtime as an excuse.

OliviaBenson · 07/08/2014 21:38

I'm the other way around op- all my friends are having kids and I feel that I'm completely on the outside. all talk relates to babies and I'm really not sure who would actually be there for me now, if I needed to reach out to someone.

I guess things just change? That said I think them pressuring you to see them is harsh. Have you invited them to see you? Tbh it sounds like the friendships have run their course, but I just wanted to give an example from the other side.

EarthWindFire · 07/08/2014 21:40

You find it frustrating that your friend has organised a meal especially for your DC?

By them doing that it shows that they do care.

No they may not 'understand you' but it does sound as if they are trying.

If you don't want to go to the wedding or no longer stay in contact with friends then say that. Friendships do change. Don't use your DC as an excuse.

OliviaBenson · 07/08/2014 21:41

Ps I do think you are being harsh about the wedding- they are trying to include you. With all the angst on here over chid free weddings it's a refreshing change! What do you think they should do?

JaceyBee · 07/08/2014 21:46

Yeah agree you are being a touch pfb about his bedtime. It's only one night, who gives a shit?! Bring his pjs with you and let him sleep in the car on the way home. I think it's really nice of your friend to try to include you all.

Lottapianos · 07/08/2014 21:54

I'm in the same position as OliviaBenson. It can feel very isolating when it feels like the whole world is having babies and you're not part of it. In your friends shoes I would be having a child free wedding without question so be glad that your little one is invited at all! It soynds like she is trying to include you and your son in her wedding. Obviously you can't expect her to plan the wedding meal around his routine so do what other posters suggested and let him sleep in his buggy.

Frogisatwat · 07/08/2014 22:04

I was the first of my friends to have a baby so I understand where you are coming from with regards to friendships changing.

Buy you are being totally unreasonable about the wedding. When my brother got married my other SIL left before the meal because it was bath and bedtime Confused my two (similar ages) stayed and had a ball.

we didn't stay too late. Just long enough to celebrate and eat

futureponyclubmum · 07/08/2014 22:16

I'm the last of my friends to get pregnant and no you don't really understand until it happens to you. But that said sometimes my friends expected me to be a mind reader whereas a bit of communication would have helped.
Your friend sounds like she was kindly trying to accommodate your baby in her wedding plans, likely she had . If I got a text saying sorry no that's not good enough I'd be bit miffed. You could have rung and explained baby needs feeding earlier could something be arranged or thanks but we'll bring our own food.
I get you don't want to travel 200 miles back home all the time, have you actually explained to them what a PITA it is travelling with baby? Have you tried to give them another option e.good. invited them to yours (not suggesting all at once obviously) or meet for day half way instead? If they are good mates they'll do it.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 08/08/2014 00:52

While I don't doubt distance means you are struggling with your friendships, I can't really see what you expect from your fiend who is getting married. She's sorting a meal for your child, at the time everyone else is eating. What more do you want? Or should the entire wedding be based round your DCs sleep schedule?

Only1scoop · 08/08/2014 00:57

How lovely that she has invited your ds and arranged a dinner for him. You sound as if you are making zero effort to be honest.

EverythingCounts · 08/08/2014 00:59

I get what you're saying totally about the rest of it but I think you're being overly fussy about the wedding dinner. Your friend tried to do a nice thing. Don't knock it back in her face even if it's not ideal.

On the other hand, the one who whines 'you never contact me', just forget about. A proper friend wouldn't put it in those terms and you've said she's unkind too. not worth any more of your time.

How about inviting your friends for a get together at yours in the Christmas run-up? That way you have a while to get settled and prepare, but something to look forward to, and they will know you will be getting together then even if it's difficult in the meantime.

wigglylines · 08/08/2014 01:22

I don't understand what the problem is about the dinner?! It's a special occasion, let him stay up. The world won't end.

cathpip · 08/08/2014 02:43

Friendships change, but not always down to children, the 200 mile distance will also be to blame, do they come and visit you?. As for the wedding I'm in agreement with everyone else, your friend arranging a meal is trying to include your child, and what do you suggest she do, arrange the entire days events around your child, tad selfish IMO. I think you are just looking for an excuse not to go, and your child's 7.30pm bedtime is a very poor excuse at that......

Original poster
StarsforAngels · 08/08/2014 07:56

Hmm I think I kinda want a bit of child free time too hmmm I do/did not at all expect my friend to plan her wedding around me. I told her DS would come for a bit as I thought that would be easier for all - he can't walk and can be a bit of a handful am looking forwards to a few hours off to be honest!

I just wish she had told me she was planning a meal. My single mum sister is driving up to come get him. I have no family support where we live so yes I probably am being a bit selfish as it is me who picks up the slack of tired and ratty baby.

I never put pressure on anyone to stay for bits of my wedding but that's just not my style/personality so should be more understanding of her.

I have not seen this person in 6 months only going to the wedding as she begged me. I don't plan on seeing her much again after this. Please don't bash me for this its hath but I'm just being honest. Obv I would never say this to her As its obv important to her that I am there.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarsforAngels · 08/08/2014 07:59

Can I just say also one of the reasons I am not keen to continue a friendship is bitching behind my back which to be honest distance has put into perspective - thank god for geographic mobilisation

OP posts:
EverythingCounts · 08/08/2014 08:02

Could your sister take your DS for the day and you can just go to the wedding alone?

Only1scoop · 08/08/2014 08:14

'Bitching behind your back'
Well why would you want to be friends with someone who does that anyway.

'Begged you' to attend her wedding....I'm afraid makes it all look a little ugly on both sides.

Do her and yourself a favour and pull out. Give her plenty of notice.

Sounds like this friendship is all bit done anyway....Hmm

Only1scoop · 08/08/2014 08:15

'But done' blinking phone Confused

PetulaGordino · 08/08/2014 08:22

The bitching behind your back stuff doesn't have anythig to do with whether you have a child or not surely? If they're not nice people then let the friendship fizzle out, but I suspect it would be the same whether they had children or not. The organising the dinner thing sounds like she is trying to do a nice inclusive thing and acknowledging your child, but if it's not quite right then can't you just say "thanks so much for thinking of this but actually it's not necessary because... Etc"

ladyblablah · 08/08/2014 08:32

Aren't you bitching behind your friends' backs?
You say "I would never say this to them obviously", that's pretty 2 faced too.
I dunno, you all sound weird friends.

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