Friends who don't have babies

[StarsforAngels]

It is wedding season and I am struggling.

I am married with 1 DS. Although not that young (almost 30), I am the first of my peer group to have a baby.

I am just really struggling with old friendships to be honest. I managed to hang on to childhood friendships when I lived not that far from home. I have now moved 200 miles away and to be honest feel like i am being made to feel crap by many of my 'old' friends.

I feel like none of them understand me!

I have got out to mothers groups and always knew that I would need t make the effort to make 'mum' friends - I have and am happy with this and am enjoying meeting new people and chatting to people who have children more.

My friend has a wedding and has just text me saying she has organised for my 1 year old to have dinner at the wedding... I just find it so frustrating - she never asked me and dinner is at 5 - (he goes to bed at 730) - I have said sorry can't do this but I feel like I am being ignored now.

My friends put a lot of pressure on me for me to drive 200 odd miles to come and see them and also seem quite put out when I can't.

It sounds awful but I have had it with these friendships. A few people are being more understanding so I just want to stick to them.

One of my 'friends' keeps messaging me saying 'you never keep in contact' etc etc and I don't know what to do. It's getting me down - this one particular person has been unkind to me on several occasions. I just want to let friendships like this go but its so hard when I am getting 'crap' for not visiting (driving my son 200 miles is hard work not to mention knackering for all involved).

Has anyone else found they struggle with some friendships after baby?

I am pretty stressed out at the mo with moving etc and try to talk to my old friends about this in the hope that they will cut me some slack but it just doesnt seem to happen!

I think it's probably as much to do with the fact that you have moved 200 miles away than the fact you have a baby, to be honest.

And does your friend have a point about you never keeping in contact? I know when some of my friends had babies they dropped off the radar almost totally. I made effort, they made none. They found time to mix with and keep in touch with their new mum friends made at nursery etc. Sorry, but friendships are two-way streets and the excuse "I'm so busy and tired with a baby" can only last a short while and even the busiest mother can find 30 seconds once every few weeks to send a brief "checking-in text"

If you want child free time then don't take DS to the wedding, just phone your friend and say 'actually DSis has come up trumps and has offered to take DS for the whole day, which means I can really let my hair down.' She'll cancel the meal and everyone will be happy. (Including you, I only took DS to family weddings, friends' weddings are for too much fizz and silly dancing)

It was nice of her to invite your child. Obviously she really wants you there. You sound stressed, perhaps your move is making things seem worse than they are?
Can you leave your ds with your sister for the night?

Actually it's great your DSis can take him, probably good for both you and DS. But children even young children love a wedding, I went to one on my own 200 miles away when DS was one. DH was working and noone else could look after him.

I thanked my friend for arranging a meal for him but also popped his milk, some Ella's Kitchen and rice cakes and a few story books in my bag. He loved eating with everyone and then when it was bedtime I popped him in the pram, gave him his milk, read him a story and took him for a quick stroll and parked him at the corner of the marquee once he was asleep.

I had a great time and I was six months pregnant with DC2 at the time so stop being so precious.

Just try to communicate! She was obviously trying to be a good friend and accommodate your DS, I imagine she thought it would make YOU feel bad if she DIDN'T offer him a meal! Surely, just ring her up and explain - she will probs prefer to cancel the meal and save a bit of money.

And if your friends don't understand, TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL! Text and explain that it is hard work bringing your baby and invite them to yours - or plan something in advance with the baby - I know I love having friends' babies to visit.

Sorry, I missed that post on p2 about your sis collecting the baby.

Sometimes on very special occasions you just have to compromise accordingly. The world will not stop turning and the sky will not fall in! You'll manage. Fwiw, I think that arranging a special dinner for your baby is very kind and thoughtful of your friend.

Yes i think the wedding friend was actually being quite thoughful. It is hard when youmove away, but its an effective way to find out who your real friends are. Have you done any trips back home? Have any of them been to see you? Have you tried emailing a godness the time has flown, what have you been up to? email.

So, to clarify. You have a friend 200 miles away who has invited you to her wedding. She has told you that she has arranged a meal for your son. Dinner is at five.

I assume you have already RSVPd yes? So what is the problem exactly? That the dinner is served at five? That you now dont want to go? I genuinely dont understand what your problem is.

I have children and I can't see anything wrong with the wedding invite. It's actually quite nice of her to have your son if she has no children.

I also don't see a huge problem with eating at 5 and honestly if it was my wedding and you weren't happy I would not understand for the life of me why?

Tbh OP all your posts read as if you cant be bothered to maintain the friendships with those who still live back home.

Surely this is a massive non issue, you were only going to take him for a bit, simply text back and say "don't worry about arranging a meal for him as I have arranged a sitter for the latter part of the day so I can let my hair down"

I think it's great to have old friends in your life, new friends you meet at baby groups can be somewhat transitional and if you sack off all your old friends for spurious reasons then you might end up regretting it.