I don't think this is right?...how bad is it?

[Isthisreal3]

Wise ladies, I've been a long time lurker but never had the courage to post but I really need some perspective and reality check.

I am sure my DH of 6yrs loves me, myself and our 2 Dd's ( 4 and 1) are his world. However I perceive him to have anger management issues and is most certainly emotionally abusive. When questioned or doubted on anything a tirade of finger pointing, swearing, shouting and irrational reasoning ensues. If I attempt to answer back or stand up for my rights I'm 'being aggressive.' Swearing in front of children, which I am against with a passion, is my fault as I'm making him say those things. He will not let it drop and follows be around ranting. I am intimidated and at certain points scared. These episodes happen regularly every few wks. His mum won't cross him to avoid repercussions.

I'm an adult & I can chose to stay or go ( in theory...I'm too scared) but what really distresses me is that he has no hesitation in behaving this way in front of our girls. My attempts at telling to stop or asking him to leave the room are greeted by 'I'm just the scum of the earth...I may as well go hang myself.' This isn't right, it's against my ideals of the environment in which to raise my children. But am I just precious and unrealistic?

I'm accused of not disciplining our girls; I try but am a softie!! However I hear phrases such as 'your such a bad girl' 'mummy will go away if you carry on like this' 'when daddy's good he's good, when he's bad he's very bad' & threats to chuck all her toys, presents etc out of the window. I am really concerned on the long term impact of this...or again am I precious and over protective?

Another incident happened today & I'm just left wondering how to continue.

He is under immense pressure at work in a life changing way and negative way, so I can without a doubt say he is stressed. However a nagging voice in my head says these outbursts were there before.

Pls give me some honest words of advice...

Well done op!

Well done OP. What a great mother you are.

Give women's aid a call. And be prepared for everythingto come your way. He will no doubt beg and plead that he'll change (he won't) and then threaten youwiwith taking the kids away (that won't happen) anda few choice names to call you for good measure.

Keep all contact to written form so that you have proof if you need it in the future. Refuse to speak face to face or over the phone.

These bullies are sadly predictable.

Well done. It may seem like it's going to be tough, but itwwon't be for long and yours and your children's lives will be so much better.

I'm glad you have your parents support. Let them look after you for a while. Stay strong

Does he have any up days, for example does he talk alot, have loads of energy and almost high like sometimes or is his current behaviour consistent with no good days?

Oh bless you for getting away.
What you have described about him here is just awful.
Stay strong.
Contact only via a solicitor unless it's to do with visiting the children.
He's an abuser and a complete bully. Not just to you by the looks of it.
He will do the same to your children.
Keep away now. You've made the biggest and bravest move of your life. You have escaped.
Make sure you stay free of him.

Well done.

Get a copy of lundy bancroft "why does he do that" asap and read it. It really will help.

Try to minimise contact with him. If he texts you or phones try not to get drawn in.
If he apologises he does not really mean it. He won't change.

And yy to WA and the freedom program.
Also check out the EA thread in relationships. It is very helpful and supportive.

Well done, that woman. You are AMAZING. So impressed. You must feel like your head is spinning but don't make any more decisions until you feel ready. That first step was a huge thing and needed to be done quickly.

You are totally awesome.

Well done! I am so proud of you!

Definitely call the police if you feel threatened - I felt totally humiliated by my situation but when I said this, lovely PC just said "hang on, you left after only the second time. On average, a woman takes 36 attacks before she finally leaves. The way I see it is that far from wasting my time, you've actually saved me 34 more call outs".

You have been amazing. Your dcs are so lucky you are their mum.

Be prepared for a bit of an onslaught now as he tries to regain control. Follow your solicitor's advice and log everything. You have done nothing wrong and despite whatever he accuses you of, no court in the land will penalise someone for fleeing domestic abuse.

Well done. Stay safe and stay strong - you have been fantastic today and there will be a new life out there for you when you're ready for it.

OP, you are one brilliant woman. I admire you so much. As other have said up thread, he will now chuck EVERY bloody thing in his arsenal of control at you to get you to toe the line and go back, so he can control, torment and ruin your and your children's lives further. Including 'pathetic' threats to kill himself, promises to change (he won't), threats to take the kids off you (fat chance!) etc. etc.

Stay strong. Get as much support as you can and definitely not only keep a permanent record of any emails ,texts or whatever, but keep a diary of any phone calls etc. Do talk to WA, the police if you are feeling threatened and of course keep your solicitor up to date.

You are truly an inspiration.

What a brave and brilliant decision OP. Well done. Please follow the excellent advice about steeling yourself for some serious madness now he doesn't have you in his control. He will not change. Ever. Please keep contact with him absolutely minimal and under no circumstances let him take the girls out of your sight.

You did a great thing today x

Thanks all, so much support from you all is incredible.
whatamessiamin he does have upbeat more positive days, days when he retreats to his bed all day, and days when he snaps over something. He is incredibly exact and expects others to conform to his ideas which can be bizarre and not obvious. He is a perfectionist but you just can never second guess what his idea of perfection is at that time.

Anyway, all has been very quiet today...

I have a horrible feeling of emptiness and loss.

Great that you could move to your parents - fantastic first step, and brilliant of you to do it.

As you well know, this will only be the start - you need to gather your strength to survive the next few weeks, where he will do his utmost to bring you back in. Be aware of it, be prepared, and use all the support you need, in RL or here.

We are all rooting for you (and your lovely dds - never forget that this is what's best for them). for you.

You have done so well - it takes such strength and determination to leave. You have been very brave.

Of course, you feel a sense of loss. Nothing is ever black and white and there must have been times that were good and you will mourn them. But, overall - it was not right and you and your girls deserve peace and stability and happiness.

Many women go back because they do not realise how hard it is to stay away. Read up on trauma bonding and recovery - it explains the pull and Forewarned is Forearmed. It would good to talk to WA for more support.

You did the right thing. Well done, you :)

I think you are very likely to have physical effects which may seem like emptiness and loss.

I worked with a child who was living in a household where he walked on eggshells, never know how his father would react, knew he had to get things right and didn't know how - it was never the same twice. Much like you are describing.

It was only after the situation was resolved that it became evident that he had been flooded with adrenaline the whole time and had not relaxed properly for several years. There was certainly a physical reaction to the lack of adrenaline (and probably other stress hormones as well). You may well find that it takes a while for you to feel normal.

Be very gentle with yourself and be prepared to feel shaky and weepy and exhausted. You will get back on an even keel soon.

Replace those horrible stress hormones with a few feel good ones - exercise and massages etc

You are perfectly in your right to feel that way. And even miss him. These bullies aren't horrible all the time or they'd never be able to keep a woman past yhe first date. It's all part of the cycle (read Lundy Bancrofts book)

Just remember when you are missing him that you are missing the person that you want him to be, not the person he actually is.

You will go through periods of being sad that your kids won't have their parents together but you are truly doing the best thing for them.

It really won't take very long at all for you to feel better, honestly. Starting to live your life without the worry of what mood your ex is in is invigorating. You'll be a happier person and mother in no time and your kids willget totrrap the benefits.

*will get to reap the benefits