I don't think this is right?...how bad is it?

[Isthisreal3]

Wise ladies, I've been a long time lurker but never had the courage to post but I really need some perspective and reality check.

I am sure my DH of 6yrs loves me, myself and our 2 Dd's ( 4 and 1) are his world. However I perceive him to have anger management issues and is most certainly emotionally abusive. When questioned or doubted on anything a tirade of finger pointing, swearing, shouting and irrational reasoning ensues. If I attempt to answer back or stand up for my rights I'm 'being aggressive.' Swearing in front of children, which I am against with a passion, is my fault as I'm making him say those things. He will not let it drop and follows be around ranting. I am intimidated and at certain points scared. These episodes happen regularly every few wks. His mum won't cross him to avoid repercussions.

I'm an adult & I can chose to stay or go ( in theory...I'm too scared) but what really distresses me is that he has no hesitation in behaving this way in front of our girls. My attempts at telling to stop or asking him to leave the room are greeted by 'I'm just the scum of the earth...I may as well go hang myself.' This isn't right, it's against my ideals of the environment in which to raise my children. But am I just precious and unrealistic?

I'm accused of not disciplining our girls; I try but am a softie!! However I hear phrases such as 'your such a bad girl' 'mummy will go away if you carry on like this' 'when daddy's good he's good, when he's bad he's very bad' & threats to chuck all her toys, presents etc out of the window. I am really concerned on the long term impact of this...or again am I precious and over protective?

Another incident happened today & I'm just left wondering how to continue.

He is under immense pressure at work in a life changing way and negative way, so I can without a doubt say he is stressed. However a nagging voice in my head says these outbursts were there before.

Pls give me some honest words of advice...

Unfortunetly from what you've described you are in the midst of domestic abuse - psychological.
It will be impacting on your daughters. If his mum is scared of him says it all.
Walk away.

I'm going to say this not to make you feel guilty, but to hopefully give you the courage to leave:

Every day you stay is another day you have allowed your dcs to be abused.

Your dcs are ALREADY the victims of abuse.

I know how frightening this is (the police had to get my ds and I out in the middle of the night, in out pyjamas, with 4 bin bags of stuff, nothing else) BUT the reason I left was purely and simply for my ds - there was nothing I could do about the abuse having happened, I just realised that the ONLY way I could show my ds that that sort of behaviour was NEVER acceptable (both in terms of putting up with it and perpatrating it) was to leave. Right then and there. Because that way I knew that I could look ds in the eye and say "That behaviour is abuse. It is never okay for anyone to have to take that and it is never okay to behave like that".

Your dcs see you as their role model: if you stay, not only are you subjecting them to more of the abusive behaviour, but you are implying that that is what they deserve their childhood, and future relationships, to be like.

Please ring womens aid and get yourself out.

Great post Koala. Agree you are under reacting OP. This is in no way normal. He doesn't love you - let go of that idea, it's just confusing you. This is not what normal love looks or feels like.

You need to leave. There is no way you can stay in this situation and remain sane. You deserve so much better than this. And do not underestimate the harm this is doing to your children. Read what the previous poster said about the grown up children who are self harming and in abysive relationships themselves. That is not an extreme exple. You do not want that for your children.

when daddy's good he's good, when he's bad he's very bad

And he knows it!

Honey - you are all being abused and you have to get out.

Abuse is not about love, it is about control. And when he can't control ALL of you [as king in his own castle] he abuses ALL of you.

Do it before he fucks you ALL up.

Thanks to everyone, such helpful and inspiring posts.

Does anyone see merit in waiting until his work situation is resolved, say 6-8wks?? I would be really kicking a man when he's down.

Nope, no merit at all in waiting. If you do that, there will always be another reason not to go. And another, and another. You may lose your nerve.

No waiting. Leave, please, now.

No - totally agree with Lacuna. Wait and it will be dd starting school, then Christmas etc etc.

In cold logistical terms, I presume your dd will be starting school in Sept? Get WA help to get out now, and you can get to your new location with time to sort out a school place.

I echo a pp who said just do it - don't wait for it to feel right. You have to shut your feelings away for a bit and go into robot mode while you sort out the practicalities of leaving. WA is a massively helpful ally - they will help you every step of the way.

Please leave now. Be very careful. Protect your children from a single second more of this abuse.

Every single thing you do will be easier without him in your life. Just focus on that. Imgine how relaxed and happy you and your children can be. How much simpler it will be to do joyful things without worrying about his reaction and criticism.

Sweetheart, you need to stop thinking that your h's emotions work like yours; they don't. If he was wired like you, leaving would be 'kicking him while he's down'. But he's not down. He's just angry and entitled.

In a strange way (and it took me a while to work this out with my xp), he's PLEASED that his work situation is uncertain because it gives him even more justification for being abusive. My xp deliberately escalated that type of scenario (eg by being angry, then finding another reason to be angry - all my fault, obviously - and then drinking so his anger became more extreme again - my fault too - he only drank because my behaviour made him...). Your 'dh' will be revelling in the extra justification he feels he now has for behaving in this way.

HE IS NOT 'DOWN'!!!!!

If you don't leave now, unfortunately the only thing being kicked is likely to be you. I got away with bruises. I was very, very lucky.

Please don't wait. You owe him nothing but you owe your dcs everything.

Phew...ok so I've packed a few things & moved to my parents. Spoken to a solicitor who suggests to allow him to visit at my parents to see the children but doesn't think allowing him to take them out unsupervised is a good thing as clearly not stable . She said work stresses do not give you the right to behave this way.
I'm awaiting the backlash now & scared of his reaction. This is the biggest step I've taken so far, thank you all.

Isthis real - your description of life with this man is chilling. My alarm bells have rung themselves clear off their fixings.

Your situation is frightening and i believe that you should be planning an escape pronto. Not 6-8 weeks hence. Now. Women's Aid will help you get away.

ohhh cross post - wonderful news!!

Well done. That's taken real courage to do and you've done absolutely the right thing. Be guided by your solicitor and try to minimise contact with him for yourself; can you be out when he visits the children?

Most definitely don't let him take the children out. You absolutely know he would take them, don't you? I'm not even sure about allowing him in your parents' house but others will have more rational advice about that. Well done for doing what had to be done! Awesome!

Well done, bet it wasn't as impossible as you had imagined.

OP, do not let him abuse you or the girls any more, he's truly vile and has serious mental issues, you can't fix him, he won't change. Maybe he does love you all but love isn't enough when you are a bully and an abuser, they don't go hand in hand.

So sick of reading these constant posts from women who are actually having to query a cunt of a man who is abusing them, listen to your inner voice, it's trying to save you from a life of control and misery, as well as your poor girls.

You've made the first step, stay strong, you do not need someone like that in your life.

I'm sure you will now get the begging, the apologies, how much he loves you all - again, so what, he is damaging your girls who will grow up to be very angry individuals if you stay any longer.

If I can give you any advice at all it is do not listen to his threats and think your MUST go back.

He will threaten, shout, cajole, make promises, cry, look like shit, threaten suicide, "attempt" suicide (but not really).... none of it is real. None of what he says will be true. Its all just a way to get the control back, to get you back in the home where he can continue his bullying.

Someone said upthread that he is "broken in a fundemental way". This is the most accurate description of abusive people I have ever read. They dont function like you and me, so they cant be reasoned with. He will be utterly bewildered as to why you left him, there is nothing you can say to him that will make him understand why so dont waste your breath trying.

When someone is so fucked up as he is (one king?!) then you cant discuss things, you cant explain things, you cant deal with them as you can a normal person, so please please dont try. Dont agree to counselling, this is not a good thing to do with an abuser and dont agree to ever see him when you are on your own. If he wants to discuss anything to do with the children tell him he must email or text you, that way if he gets abusive and/or threatening you have proof to show the police.

Lastly, dont be afraid to call the police if you are ever frightened, you may think that you shouldnt because he could lose his job or whatever, but thats not your concern. Your concern is to keep you and your children safe, if he chooses to risk his freedom and security by abusing you then thats his problem.

Well done OP ! You got out, you are protecting your DDs from his abuse.

He is trying to rule you with fear - of his (potential) suicide, his shouting/swearing/abuse, his 'love' for you, his 'whole world' of the DDs, won't let you leave without them etc etc
He will come back with the guilt-trip - how can you leave him in the midst of his work troubles, how could you 'break-up' the family, the girls need a mummy and a daddy... and so it goes on. It will all be your fault; be ready for that with the MN shrug.

It's the script., He'll try threats, cajoling, crying, anger, guilt, suicide threats, more crying, more anger... He'll try it all.

Stay strong. You are doing the right thing.

Well done. Now please call women's aid to talk it over, you need real life support.

He really will use any trick in the book, to press any button he can.

Be prepared for it.

And when he does threaten suicide just say 'crack on love'.

Well done OP Stay strong. Do not go back. Think of your girls and the damage it could do. I was brought up by an abusive mother which lead to me ending up in an abusive relationship. You don't know what normal is. I am out of that now and hope to god it hasn't had a lasting effect on my DD.

HE WILL NOT CHANGE. THEY NEVER DO!!! Remember this always. Good luck.

Oh yeah. No of this is our fault. You do not make him do these things, you aren't a shit mother and you are not responsible for the decisions he makes. Remember this also ^

Well done. You have done a brave thing for you and for your children.

Please contact your HV and talk to her/him about contact centres, so that there is somewhere neutral that your children can have supervised contact with him. Remember that contact is for your children's sake, not for his.