DH's drinking

[ReigningCatsAndDogs]

Not sure if I'm putting this in the right place on the board but I am really worried about my DH's drinking. He has an office based job, and is very senior in a pretty dynamic organisation.

He loves his wine and is something of a wine buff. He collects it for laying down and also buys a lot of stuff for every day drinking. And that's the key thing. Every day drinking. Every day pretty much. He used to do the 5:2 diet but in maintaining his weight now so does 6:1 and the only day he doesn't drink is on the fasting day. On every other day he drinks at least a bottle of wine, sometimes two later in the week. I reckon he's putting away about 8-9 bottles a week. I drink too but nothing like this (1-2 bottles a week).

He is a very high functioning drunk. He can seem completely sober on a bottle of wine, only I can tell because I know him so well.

Last night he went out with people from work and got back at about midnight. He caught the train home and the drove from the station back here (1.5miles - rural area, but still not acceptable). When he got in he was clearly drunk (he managed to knock over a mug and smash it and his clearing up of it wasn't great). Whilst talking to me he poured himself another large glass of red wine and then drank another half glass. This morning our bedroom stank of stale booze.

He has no evening hobbies, nor does he want any because he doesn't get back from work until 8.30 / 9pm. He rarely drinks in the day, but reaches for the wine as soon as he's got changed from work then drinks steadily through the day until bed. He usually falls asleep on the sofa and comes to bed way after me.

I don't know what to do. I've mentioned it to him several times to no avail. When I realised he'd driven home last night (this morning when I saw the car) I expressed my feelings and he just rolled his eyes. He doesn't want to accept that this is going too far. I don't know how else to tackle the issue.

I'm so worried for his health, for other road users and for our relationship.

I bet you are, what a complete idiot, sorry but he sounds like an alcoholic and is not giving a toss for anyone else's life, I hate these types who think it's alright to drive drunk, no it isn't, the fact he can't even accept he has a problem is your problem, you need to get touch, he either sorts it out or you are off, I'd have very little respect for a partner that was behaving like this.

IT deos sound like you have reached the point where you should speak to professionals. Al-Anon deals with the effect on a drinker's partner, AA is obviously for the drinker thenselves... But yeah 1-2 bottles a wine a night is alcohol dependent.

Hi,

I totally know where you are with this -- my DH also drinks every night and refuses to accept there is a problem. I have tried everything: being supportive, ultimatums, being angry, now in the process of separating.

Unless he recognises there's a problem and is determined to change there is nothing you can do. The choice is between learning to live with it or leaving. I have got to a point where I can no longer live with it. I am going to my first Al Anon meeting next week -- hoping it will help. Perhaps you should do the same. Good luck.

I went on the drink aware website for some advice and the trouble is I've tried all the opening gambits (e.g. positive statements and suggestions, rather than an accusatory approach) and he has an answer for everything. If I say ti will be good for his weight he says the 5:2 is working for him. If I say he could take up a sport / hobby he has no interest. If I suggest health reasons he says he feels well and that the government guidelines are a load of rubbish. If I say lets do it together he says he thinks that I hardly drink at all (and I think I drink quite a bit, so our perpsectives are very different) so what's the point for me - i.e. he's defensive and putting up barriers.

The house is full of bloody wine which he's bought.

Leaving him at this stage is not an option. I can't give up on a long and happy marriage without trying to fix things. I need some help in trying to stop this.

You are married to an alcoholic.

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember now:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Talking to an alcoholic about their alcohol dependency is a wasted effort as you have already seen. I am not at all surprised to read that he rolled his eyes. Like many such people as well he is in complete denial of this and probably also thinks he is in control of his drinking. He is likely also badly underestimating how much he is drinking. You are NOT responsible for his drinking, you cannot police his drinking either.

What do you want?. What's in this for you now?. Where do you see yourself going forward - apart?.
This is really no marriage for you at all and alcohol is a cruel mistress, his primary relationship is really with drink and his next thought is where the next drink is going to come from.

Do you have children, if so they will be affected by their dad's drinking as well. You are already being profoundly affected, where is your own bottom line here when it comes to him?. You are running a real risk here of being codependent and enabling him and that does not help him or you, it just gives you a false sense of control.

You cannot help him but you can certainly help your own self. I would talk to Al-anon in the first instance and try and attend one of their meetings. At the very least read their literature.

Hi newnamesamegame - how does drink affect your DH? If my DH did or said stupid stuff, or was argumentative or anything I would be able to tackle it easily. but he's a gentle drunk - never picks a fight, always genial, and gets up early for work etc etc.

The driving thing is what has made me really sit up and take notice.

Sorry i've only just realised that Al Anon is not the same and Alcoholic Anonymous.

OP my husband rarely gets really inebriated, he doesn't stay out all night and rarely even very late. It does make him gloomy, self-pitying and ranty. But the primary thing for me is just resentment that alcohol has to be at the centre of everything he does.

He can't get through an evening without 3-4 cans of lager, more when he goes out. He opens a can of beer within minutes of getting in the door from work. He also refuses to plan anything at weekends with DD and I, officially because he is too tired but in reality because by mid-afternoon he likes to drift off to a particular pub he likes to go to.

I constantly try to do things with him that don't involve booze and he finds excuses not to do them.

He can't see the problem because he doesn't miss days at work because of it, rarely drinks before mid-afternoon etc. but it basically is at the centre of his life and he prioritizes it over everything.

How can he have an excuse for drinking to excess and driving and putting people's lives at risk, OP, you need to wake up and stop accepting this shit, it's all excuses so he can carry on without a thought for you and the relationship,

You may not want to give up on it but unless he changes his ways, expect more of the same treatment, it's actually no way to live, you are putting your own life on hold so he can, effectively get pissed all the time, what a charmer he is.

He committed a criminal offence last night. If he'd been caught, the best case scenario is that he would have lost his licence. (The worse case scenario obviously is that he would have killed someone and ended up in prison; or killed himself.)

What would be the implications, personal and professional, for him if he had been caught?

Newnamesamegame - my DH will do things; pretty much anything I organise but because the children are young it happens during the day. If I suggest the cinema (which he doesn't really like going to) he'll crack open a bottle of wine afterwards. If we go out for a meal it's always got wine with it. I daren't let him be the designated driver because he will think he's not had much but I reckon he'll be over the limit if stopped and if I say I don't want to drive because I fancy having a drink he's really happy to get a cab, it doesn't bother him at all.

Jan45 - I can totally understand your opinion re the driving. It is utterly indefensible. Last night was a real eye opener for me. However, our relationship is a very long and happy one. I love him deeply and I will fight to save us. I can't just leave a man without trying to affect some kind of change.

I get that OP but does he want to change, doesn't sound like it, so in essence you have been non verbally told to suck it up and accept it, being in a relationship doesn't mean accepting this kind of shit, he's now a criminal as well and I bet you anything he will be drink driving again.

In fact after reading that last bit I am angry, angry that this idiot is going about driving drunk and you seem to be accepting it all quite fine and dandy, get angry OP, he is acting like a complete looooser.

sleepy it would be utterly, utterly devastating. He's the main breadwinner, and it would destroy us. I can't bear to think about the wider impact of others' lives.

However, I think he thinks he's untouchable in this regard because he knows a (morally bankrupt) lawyer who is the celebs go-to lawyer for getting them off DUI charges. I spoke to him today about it, and he said as much. He also thinks that as it was midnight on rural roads that somehow makes it more acceptable. He also claims he didn't have that much last night. This morning my bedroom stank of stale alcohol.

What a load of bollocks, honestly OP he'd tell you the moon was really the sun to get you off his back about his alcoholism-how can you even listen to his crap, he can't even talk sense, his brain will be so pickled he probably actually believes it.

Well as long as he gets off, bugger the poor bastard that he mowed down.

Jan45 - I am angry. I've spent the morning thinking about whether I put the police on watch for him at the station or not tonight (he's out again tonight). To do that shows the extent of my emotion, but it will also destroy our entire lives. It's not something I can just do lightly without giving him some kind of chance to stop.

I'm totally fucking furious. But I show it in a different way to you, and I know that if I go postal at him I will get nowhere. He doesn't respond to rage as he sees that as a loss of control (ironic). He will get defensive and I will have scored an own goal.

OP, all of what you said is about him, all about him, being able to carry on his selfishness, no thought for you, no thought for the children, no thought for the poor bastard trying to cross the road........seriously, you tell him he cuts down, stops going behind a wheel and actually invests in the relationship and bringing you some happiness - remember you, you do still matter you know.

Just sounds to me like he has you so worn down with it all you are actually scared to even mention it to him, like you are in the wrong, when it's him acting like a complete arsehole.

Do his peers drink drive? Is there a culture in your area of drink driving? Is he older? Do you think this is the first time he's done this, or is it a regular thing?

I find it really shocking that he would do this, although I know there are still pockets of society that see it as ok, and justify it as your dh is doing (rural road, late night, "wasn't that much, I'm a good driver...").

I would probably tell him that the next time I suspected him of driving drunk I'd phone the police, but god that would be hard.

TBH, your options are to split or put up with it. He is justifying his drinking and his drink driving (it won't be the first time he's done it, he's probably over the limit most mornings), and will not stop until he decides he's ready.

His peers have been known to drink and drive, yes. My DH witnessed me utterly blocking his friend for doing it once so he knows how I feel. He is seen very much as the good time guy. He's very popular.

I have just spoken to him. I told him that there were no excuses for last night and that if he ever did it again I would see it as a direct two fingers up at our marriage. I spelled out the implications on our lives if he got caught. I told him that just because he knows the guy who gets people off it wouldn't mean that he'd be able to escape punishment from me (no marriage). I also said that he has let his drinking get control of him despite the fact he's an affable drunk and that he needs to stop.

I totally caught him off guard. He answered the phone at work expecting a nice little chat and got both barrels. He tried to minimise it and excuse it. He then went very, very quiet and I ended the call. I didn't swear but I was certainly assertive. This is a horrible and sad day for me.

gobbynorthernbird - I just spoke to someone at Al-Anon and I got the impression from her that I was in a put up or shut up situation. I'm not sure what I was expecting from her, but I feel a little disappointed.

You will have yet more horrible and sad days if you stay with this person.
This is no marriage; life with an alcoholic is never anything other than completely disasterous and going from one crisis to the next.

You cannot stop him drinking; only he can do that and currently at least he does not want to. He also thinks he is untouchable by drink driving.

What he is doing now is basically dragging you down with him. You know he has been driving whilst drunk and not in full control of a car. You've told him that he needs to stop; he cannot or will not do that and you asking him to do that as well is a recipe for failure. You see, he is allowed to fail in his own mind, you are not. You will remember all of this, you become the Provoker who remembers everything. Yet again he has both minimised and excused his own behaviour; this just makes him more careful.

You are a part of his alcoholism by being there with him now. Your only option going forward here particularly if you have children is to separate from him. Read the 3 Act play that is alcoholism and see where you are fitting into all this.

How long have you been married to him and how much more are you going to take?.

Firstly, I would doubt very highly that some dodgy lawyer would get him off a drunk driving charge, even if he did, why would anyone want to take the risk, and why would you want to be a partner of a person that actually does this sort of thing, I can honestly say I don't know any adult who behaves like this, but then again I don't know any alcoholics!

He must spend a small fortune from the family budget on booze but he can't pay for a taxi home, and yes, he must be regularly over the limit in the mornings etc.

I can't believe he is actually surprised at what you said to him, any other normal moralistic person would be expecting it.

It's shit but true. You need to think about the life you want, for you and your DC, and if you want an alcoholic husband as part of that.

If you were to look closely at your H's friends you would likely find that they are actually pretty much the same as he is; they are all alcohol dependent and like drink more than anything else in life.

Speak to someone else at Al-anon and request their literture; do not give up on them just yet. You need outside support.

He was expecting a nice little chat

After what he did.......